Long update
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 89
Long update
Hi everyone,
It's been a while since I've been on here. I hope everyone is doing ok. I haven't read previous posts yet.
I started seeing a therapist who is helping me work on my social anxiety/general anxiety that has been an ongoing problem my whole life. The other night I went to a poetry reading with a couple of coworkers which was nice. I am continuing to go to the domestic violence support group every week which is a total lifesaver, and am meeting with my social worker on Monday. She's great and helped me come up with a safety plan. I'm learning alcoholism doesn't CAUSE abuse which is a hard thing to accept.
On Sunday morning I plan on going to an Alanon meeting. I have been avoiding it for a long time but feel comfortable enough to go now and it's an open group and newcomers meeting.
On to the AXB: I have been in my new apartment since April. When I moved, he had gone to rehab and was living at a sober house. But we lived together for a few years, so while he was at the sober house he would come over to our apartment to see our cats (I couldn't take them and it sucks). At this point we were on pretty good terms, I was proud of him. But right when he got out of rehab he planned on moving in with his first girlfriend and her child who live states away. I voiced my opinion telling him it's a horrible idea after just getting out of rehab and considering the extremely bad state he was in leading up to that point. I had had him arrested in December for hitting me (not the first time he abused me but the first time I did something about it).
Anyway, when I moved, I was thinking we could still be friends, I wanted to be a support system and celebrate his milestones in recovery. But when I started going to the DV center I realized I couldn't have contact and focus on moving forward. So I emailed him explaining it and he got all angry, blocked me on Facebook etc. About a month later I got an email from him saying he wants to make amends with me and wants to meet up. I say no. Another month passes. A couple weeks ago he sent me a friend request on Facebook and a message asking how I was. I didn't respond which was really hard. Then I look at his profile and apparently he's engaged to a woman he met in AA. She even added his last name to hers and put some stupid lovey dovey crap on his wall about how REAL men act (don't cheat, lie, etc) and it made me sooo angry. Because we were together for 7 years and he obviously didn't care about me when I gave every single part of myself to him. He messaged me again and I blocked him.
At this point I'm kind of passed the caring part. I DON'T much anymore if he's sober or not. I mean I do hope he is because no one should suffer through an addiction but if he relapses, and he probably will at some point, I'm not shedding tears. Because he put me through hell and didn't give a damn.
I also just found a video, thanks to Google plus for backing it up, of him drunk and hitting me with his tablet. I'm glad I at least have something tangible instead of just what's in my head.
I try to remind myself everyday to be thankful for the new life I have now away from him and focus on the people who DO care about me.
I think that's about it
It's been a while since I've been on here. I hope everyone is doing ok. I haven't read previous posts yet.
I started seeing a therapist who is helping me work on my social anxiety/general anxiety that has been an ongoing problem my whole life. The other night I went to a poetry reading with a couple of coworkers which was nice. I am continuing to go to the domestic violence support group every week which is a total lifesaver, and am meeting with my social worker on Monday. She's great and helped me come up with a safety plan. I'm learning alcoholism doesn't CAUSE abuse which is a hard thing to accept.
On Sunday morning I plan on going to an Alanon meeting. I have been avoiding it for a long time but feel comfortable enough to go now and it's an open group and newcomers meeting.
On to the AXB: I have been in my new apartment since April. When I moved, he had gone to rehab and was living at a sober house. But we lived together for a few years, so while he was at the sober house he would come over to our apartment to see our cats (I couldn't take them and it sucks). At this point we were on pretty good terms, I was proud of him. But right when he got out of rehab he planned on moving in with his first girlfriend and her child who live states away. I voiced my opinion telling him it's a horrible idea after just getting out of rehab and considering the extremely bad state he was in leading up to that point. I had had him arrested in December for hitting me (not the first time he abused me but the first time I did something about it).
Anyway, when I moved, I was thinking we could still be friends, I wanted to be a support system and celebrate his milestones in recovery. But when I started going to the DV center I realized I couldn't have contact and focus on moving forward. So I emailed him explaining it and he got all angry, blocked me on Facebook etc. About a month later I got an email from him saying he wants to make amends with me and wants to meet up. I say no. Another month passes. A couple weeks ago he sent me a friend request on Facebook and a message asking how I was. I didn't respond which was really hard. Then I look at his profile and apparently he's engaged to a woman he met in AA. She even added his last name to hers and put some stupid lovey dovey crap on his wall about how REAL men act (don't cheat, lie, etc) and it made me sooo angry. Because we were together for 7 years and he obviously didn't care about me when I gave every single part of myself to him. He messaged me again and I blocked him.
At this point I'm kind of passed the caring part. I DON'T much anymore if he's sober or not. I mean I do hope he is because no one should suffer through an addiction but if he relapses, and he probably will at some point, I'm not shedding tears. Because he put me through hell and didn't give a damn.
I also just found a video, thanks to Google plus for backing it up, of him drunk and hitting me with his tablet. I'm glad I at least have something tangible instead of just what's in my head.
I try to remind myself everyday to be thankful for the new life I have now away from him and focus on the people who DO care about me.
I think that's about it
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by meggygoround30 
I try to remind myself everyday to be thankful for the new life I have now away from him and focus on the people who DO care about me.
So glad you're at the place you are now w/your recovery and glad you're going to check into Alanon. Definitely a success story here!
Thanks for the update, meggy.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Good for you! And I seriously doubt he's suddenly a different person with this new woman. I felt sorry for my ex's girlfriend even during their lovey-dovey period...knew that wasn't going to last seeing as half of the couple was him. In the end she put up with him for way less time than I did.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Might be he's trying to do an honest amends w/ you, which does not impose any responsibility upon you at all. Sounds like you've made it clear you absolutely positively don't want any parts of contact with him, which he'll need accept at face value- his amends must do no further harm.
In such a case he might choose to have his amends be that he never puts someone else in the position he put you.... or perhaps the amends might turn into a letter making his position clear; with which you might do as you please (read, burn before or after reading.. whatever). You are not obligated to receive his amends, though it would be nice to tell him if you are not interested in hearing from him ever again.. just from common politeness. Far as I'm concerned any request on his part that you meet/listen/talk that departs from what you freely wish to do is inappropriate.
In such a case he might choose to have his amends be that he never puts someone else in the position he put you.... or perhaps the amends might turn into a letter making his position clear; with which you might do as you please (read, burn before or after reading.. whatever). You are not obligated to receive his amends, though it would be nice to tell him if you are not interested in hearing from him ever again.. just from common politeness. Far as I'm concerned any request on his part that you meet/listen/talk that departs from what you freely wish to do is inappropriate.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hi Meggy! So glad to hear you are doing well and getting some strong support in your life!
You know, I was quicker to block my XAH on Facebook, but I'm 95% sure he found someone else around the time he filed for a divorce. That was less than a month after he was telling me his plans for our future together. What I've learned is that his life is not stable. He fills his life with distractions. I've learned that I don't want that kind of life. I want to be fully present and participating in who I am in this world. And, what he is currently doing with his life is just a distraction for me at this point. I get to look back on our relationship, enjoy the good memories, be grateful for my experiences, and take the lessons I learned forward into my life.
But, let me ask you... When you find someone to be with again, will your new relationship change the context of your old one? Would your decision to be with this new person be based on how much you loved your X? I think the answer is probably no, and it's unrealistic to think that his new relationship in any way diminishes the feelings you had for each other.
You are strong, Meggy. And, you are doing really good things for yourself. Keep the focus on you and your path, and keep up the good work!
Hugs,
Fathom
You know, I was quicker to block my XAH on Facebook, but I'm 95% sure he found someone else around the time he filed for a divorce. That was less than a month after he was telling me his plans for our future together. What I've learned is that his life is not stable. He fills his life with distractions. I've learned that I don't want that kind of life. I want to be fully present and participating in who I am in this world. And, what he is currently doing with his life is just a distraction for me at this point. I get to look back on our relationship, enjoy the good memories, be grateful for my experiences, and take the lessons I learned forward into my life.
But, let me ask you... When you find someone to be with again, will your new relationship change the context of your old one? Would your decision to be with this new person be based on how much you loved your X? I think the answer is probably no, and it's unrealistic to think that his new relationship in any way diminishes the feelings you had for each other.
You are strong, Meggy. And, you are doing really good things for yourself. Keep the focus on you and your path, and keep up the good work!
Hugs,
Fathom
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
((((meggy)))) Big hugs to you! You're making wonderful milestones in your own recovery. I'm finding the more I put into my recovery, the more I'm getting out of it. There are rare moments now that I am almost scared of how good things are, and then I put my trust in God (the Higher Power of my understanding) and work my recovery harder and all is good and I can accept that without fear. Congrats on finding a support group, therapist and social worker to help you. The bigger the support network, the stronger the support is, the stronger we become. 
Good luck with the Alanon meeting. The hardest part for me was walking through the door. I've taken away something good from almost all the meetings I've gone to, though sometimes I don't know for days or weeks that I have. There's only one group that I didn't care for -- it was ok, but not nearly as good as the others. Also, some have the tradition of passing the basket for donations (one dollar is traditional), but two groups I've gone to didn't do that. One group is persistent about passing the basket to all who've arrived late and I didn't like that at first, but now I see they really don't mind if there isn't a contribution.
Good luck with the Alanon meeting. The hardest part for me was walking through the door. I've taken away something good from almost all the meetings I've gone to, though sometimes I don't know for days or weeks that I have. There's only one group that I didn't care for -- it was ok, but not nearly as good as the others. Also, some have the tradition of passing the basket for donations (one dollar is traditional), but two groups I've gone to didn't do that. One group is persistent about passing the basket to all who've arrived late and I didn't like that at first, but now I see they really don't mind if there isn't a contribution.
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