They All Keep Telling Me I'm the Problem
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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They All Keep Telling Me I'm the Problem
I can't deal anymore. Between my mom, MIL and AH I am repeatedly told that I'm the problem. That things would be better if only I would do x, y and z all of which are things that I don't want to do anymore. Today my mom told me that she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore but wants to see my girls this weekend. I told her no and then she got all dramatic and told me that she would never be in any of our lives ever then and it's all because of me. Then I realized that this is the exact same stuff that my MIL says too. Maybe I should just walk away. I love my girls with more than my own life is worth but maybe I really am the problem here. Maybe everyone really would be happier if I were just out of the picture. I feel like everyone would be happier if I just walked away and never came back.
I told AH that I feel this way and he told me that I was making things up. I'm not making anything up. I'm just hearing the same message over and over and over again and listening to what I keep hearing. Everyone wants my kids without me. Maybe I should just do what I'm asked. I'm only fighting in the situation because of my girls but they would have a much bigger extended family without me around and everyone wants them just not me. It's like all I do is cause problems no matter what I do.
I told AH that I feel this way and he told me that I was making things up. I'm not making anything up. I'm just hearing the same message over and over and over again and listening to what I keep hearing. Everyone wants my kids without me. Maybe I should just do what I'm asked. I'm only fighting in the situation because of my girls but they would have a much bigger extended family without me around and everyone wants them just not me. It's like all I do is cause problems no matter what I do.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Stung,
Have you fallen into a vat of all or nothing thinking?
Why is your mom and MIL bothering you so much lately? Are they just a convenient parking spot for a deeper problem you are working through?
I'm sending you calm Deepak vibes from my abdomen... ha ha ha!
Have you fallen into a vat of all or nothing thinking?
Why is your mom and MIL bothering you so much lately? Are they just a convenient parking spot for a deeper problem you are working through?
I'm sending you calm Deepak vibes from my abdomen... ha ha ha!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 25
You're not the problem here, alchohol is the problem. My family blamed my wife's alcoholism on my work, hobbies, desire to get out in the world and have a life rather than sitting watching daytime TV with my exAW...
People always look for someone to blame. Your spouse is not an alcoholic because of anything you have ever done. They are an alcoholic because they are addicted to alcohol.
It does get easier. People do eventually see that they got it wrong. Stop blaming yourself - it isn't your doing and there's nothing you could do differently to change it.
It sounds to me like you are struggling with self esteem. Have you thought of having some counselling? I found it very helpful.
People always look for someone to blame. Your spouse is not an alcoholic because of anything you have ever done. They are an alcoholic because they are addicted to alcohol.
It does get easier. People do eventually see that they got it wrong. Stop blaming yourself - it isn't your doing and there's nothing you could do differently to change it.
It sounds to me like you are struggling with self esteem. Have you thought of having some counselling? I found it very helpful.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Stung......OOOOKKKK.....now it is time for you to begin growing a thick rhino skin.
The time is past that you need their approval to validate yourself.
You don't need your husband except to co-parent your children.
You don't need your mother-on-law unless she wants to be a grandmother to your children.
****I think your mother is just quacking....really....she will get over herself, eventually (LOL).
The ballgame changes when you stop asking and complying and start TELLING (mean what you say;say what you mean;and, don't say it mean).
Do what you need to do for your own welfare---it is up to them to take whatever reaction they want to. What they think of you is none of your business.
There is a new sheriff in town...and they don't like it......whoop-de-do...
dandylion
The time is past that you need their approval to validate yourself.
You don't need your husband except to co-parent your children.
You don't need your mother-on-law unless she wants to be a grandmother to your children.
****I think your mother is just quacking....really....she will get over herself, eventually (LOL).
The ballgame changes when you stop asking and complying and start TELLING (mean what you say;say what you mean;and, don't say it mean).
Do what you need to do for your own welfare---it is up to them to take whatever reaction they want to. What they think of you is none of your business.
There is a new sheriff in town...and they don't like it......whoop-de-do...
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I'll bet they aren't happy at all with the changes that have happened in you since you started this journey. Tough crap, IMO. Good thing we don't make the decisions in our lives based only on the opinions of the sickest people in the dynamic, right? Who CARES what they think??
Have you read the recent thread Blossom started about how she's such a B to everyone that dislikes her new boundaries? I think it's the same stuff here for you.
Are you asking for anything more than basic respect? Let me ask you - since all of this began, have any of them TRULY & GENUINLEY offered you support? prayer? called just to say how are YOU Stung? We are worried about all that YOU are going through? Do they offer to help in ways that you really need or ways that suit their own needs & egos? Who are they REALLY concerned about here?
FWIW I think you're pretty awesome & doing your very best in a bad situation. I admire your strength, your grit, your honesty & your willingness to hear hard truths & seek change. Your girls are lucky to have you protecting them from this continuing dysfunction.
Have you read the recent thread Blossom started about how she's such a B to everyone that dislikes her new boundaries? I think it's the same stuff here for you.
Are you asking for anything more than basic respect? Let me ask you - since all of this began, have any of them TRULY & GENUINLEY offered you support? prayer? called just to say how are YOU Stung? We are worried about all that YOU are going through? Do they offer to help in ways that you really need or ways that suit their own needs & egos? Who are they REALLY concerned about here?
FWIW I think you're pretty awesome & doing your very best in a bad situation. I admire your strength, your grit, your honesty & your willingness to hear hard truths & seek change. Your girls are lucky to have you protecting them from this continuing dysfunction.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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The stung I know and love is certainly not the problem. She is dynamic and committed to being an awesome mom and working her own recovery.
The problem is that your mom has npd, your husband is an alcoholic who recently relapsed and your mil is just plain loco.
Blossom had a thread the other day. "Saying no makes me a b" about the reactions that unhealthy people are having to her recovery. I think this is just pushback from people who are uncomfortable facing their own issues. So much easier to just dump it all on someone else. It's your fault for getting healthy because all their craziness is so much more glaringly obvious.
Ignore those drama queens/kings and keep doing what you do.
The problem is that your mom has npd, your husband is an alcoholic who recently relapsed and your mil is just plain loco.
Blossom had a thread the other day. "Saying no makes me a b" about the reactions that unhealthy people are having to her recovery. I think this is just pushback from people who are uncomfortable facing their own issues. So much easier to just dump it all on someone else. It's your fault for getting healthy because all their craziness is so much more glaringly obvious.
Ignore those drama queens/kings and keep doing what you do.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Another thought - DD would have an ENORMOUSLY LARGE extended family is I allowed it too (on both sides). But no matter warm & fuzzy that feels to think about, it's not REALITY with so many effed up people. I don't owe anyone anything based on sharing a DNA pool. And it's also not my place to force/expect others to change. If they are interested in a HEALTHY relationship with me (and my child, by extension), they will seek it. Period. JMHO of course!
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I'm just having a tough time this week and can't take their crap anymore. I wonder when it will stop but I guess that's just up to me to stop taking it. I did read Blossom's thread about her neighbor. Same stuff different people I guess. I have so much guilt about cutting these people out because I feel like I'm depriving my kids of family and my husband pretty much says I'm doing as much. It's seriously like everyone wants the same things except for me. It's difficult to keep hearing the same stuff repeatedly and not actually start to believe some of it. I'm starting to feel like I really am some kind of villain and terrible person.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
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Stung, I really understand how you feel right now. I was in a similar situation yesterday with my siblings - all who encouraged me to leave and now don't understand the emotional part that I sometimes experience. Short story... I expressed my opinion and needs and was told I am wrong for what I feel. I had a terrible melt down, cried most of the night.
But I got up this morning and did my best to put myself back together again. I reached out to a sibling that actually understands much more than the others and asked her for prayer and guidance. We addressed the basis of what was eating at me and I ended that conversation with me feeling confident and ready to take the next few steps.
Are you able to get any kind of counseling? I go 1-2 times per week and it is very helpful to me.
What FS said above was true for me and is true for you. These people are not respecting you or your boundaries and what they say should not matter. You deserve to be treated much better.
But I got up this morning and did my best to put myself back together again. I reached out to a sibling that actually understands much more than the others and asked her for prayer and guidance. We addressed the basis of what was eating at me and I ended that conversation with me feeling confident and ready to take the next few steps.
Are you able to get any kind of counseling? I go 1-2 times per week and it is very helpful to me.
What FS said above was true for me and is true for you. These people are not respecting you or your boundaries and what they say should not matter. You deserve to be treated much better.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by Stung 
I have so much guilt about cutting these people out because I feel like I'm depriving my kids of family and my husband pretty much says I'm doing as much.
You use the word depriving, but I'd offer that you are PROTECTING.
You are changing their futures by not allowing the past to run the show. Search out any number of the threads started here about how children are affected by addiction & you'll see that recurrent theme. I'll bet the majority of ACoA's here would agree with me... it's protection, not deprivation.
You aren't the one saying never to a relationship, they are. You are saying no to an unhealthy relationship. That's different in my book.
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Thank you FireSprite. I needed that. My mom, MIL and AH are all three ACOA and have never addressed the aftermath of growing up with an alcoholic. All I know is that MIL and my mom treat me like crap and they want to piece and parcel myself from my kids (who are 1 year and 2 years old, they need me not them) and they treat me like I'm hurting everyone involved by not allowing that. Just because they don't like my feelings doesn't invalidate my feelings. My kids don't need them. They just need healthy, stable influences in their lives, regardless of relation.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
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Stung I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and so sorry that you have these people in your life who don't appreciate you (not being nasty). I have a very poor relationship with my mum, very negative everything is my fault but one thing I have realised after lots of counselling is that my mum due to her own personal issues wasn't able to show love, warmth or support everything was negative because she felt so bad about herself and how she was unable to parent with emotional warmth. She took her feelings of guilt out on me especially when I was doing well in my life and I wasn't focusing on her. I don't know if she and your mil acknowledge that your AH is an alcoholic or do they view that your making a big deal out of nothing. It also sounds as though they are trying to take the focus of your AH and turning on you, they maybe just don't wNt to see the problem.
Like my profile pic says your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth. Lots of hugs
Like my profile pic says your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth. Lots of hugs
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Join Date: May 2012
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I tell DD, if you feel it, it is real. Whether others see it, understand it or deny it doesn't change that you ARE FEELING IT. Your feelings are inside your hoop (or, on your pillow 
) & for you to deal with. You don't need them to give you permission to handle it in a healthy way.
) & for you to deal with. You don't need them to give you permission to handle it in a healthy way.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I wish I had had a sober, loving mother like you protecting me from the alcoholics and crazy people I lived with growing up.
My life would have been very different had I felt a sense of safety in my hom, that adults were adults and kids were kids and not dumping grounds for toxic emotions.
hold the line and know you are protecting your kids--that obvious to all of us
but not the Dyfunctional Clan you are dealing with.
My life would have been very different had I felt a sense of safety in my hom, that adults were adults and kids were kids and not dumping grounds for toxic emotions.
hold the line and know you are protecting your kids--that obvious to all of us
but not the Dyfunctional Clan you are dealing with.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I spent my whole childhood and early adulthood hearing the same garbage over and over. Because I was the one rocking the boat (not keeping secrets, not tiptoe-ing around, not being the good little girl I was expected to be). I believed I was the problem, but at the same time part of me knew that wasn't true. I finally cut my AM and the rest of her goons out of my life a little over two years ago. I don't regret it one bit. My kids are fine without her. They don't ask about her or the others. Some of the family has come back to me apologizing for the way they treated me. When I left it created a hole for scapegoat. Some people weren't too happy that fingers were pointing at them, and they started seeking their own answers.
I'm not saying that stepping away will make them see the light. What I am saying is that it's not you, and it never has been. Neither you nor your kids need toxic people in your lives.
I'm not saying that stepping away will make them see the light. What I am saying is that it's not you, and it never has been. Neither you nor your kids need toxic people in your lives.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Stung, I'm really sorry you're feeling bad about yourself. Listen to the people here. You are an amazing, strong and kind person who is protecting her children and herself. Your self-worth does not depend on what they think.
LOVE and hugs to you. xoxoxo
LOVE and hugs to you. xoxoxo
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Thank you for your replies. You all have buoyed me when I was feeling really down.
Well I have my mom and all of AH's FOO blocked from my phone. Now they can just take their drama to AH from now on and tell him how awful I am and how I'm ruining their and my own children's lives.
And you know what the irony is in all of this? I grew up not knowing and still not knowing any of the family on my dad's side of the family because of my mom and my husband knows none of his family on either side bedsides one aunt because of his mom. Yet I'm being told that I'm preventing my kids from being with their "family" like either if those women know what that word means. They just want me to ask "how high?" when they tell me to jump.
Well I have my mom and all of AH's FOO blocked from my phone. Now they can just take their drama to AH from now on and tell him how awful I am and how I'm ruining their and my own children's lives.
And you know what the irony is in all of this? I grew up not knowing and still not knowing any of the family on my dad's side of the family because of my mom and my husband knows none of his family on either side bedsides one aunt because of his mom. Yet I'm being told that I'm preventing my kids from being with their "family" like either if those women know what that word means. They just want me to ask "how high?" when they tell me to jump.
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Stung, I understand how you feel. My dad has "disowned" me many times. Usually because I didn't act the way he preferred, I didn't bend over backwards to take care of him (he can do it!) or i just had a different opinion. They quack. They get over it. Don't let their words hurt you. That's their goal, and probably not much else.
Some times you have a hard day/week/month. Take your girls out and do something nice for you and them. Enjoy it, know that you are being a good mom. I'm pretty sure my neighbor/in laws/whoever only wanted me to come back to ABF so they could see dd (and so I could take care of ABF)
Some times you have a hard day/week/month. Take your girls out and do something nice for you and them. Enjoy it, know that you are being a good mom. I'm pretty sure my neighbor/in laws/whoever only wanted me to come back to ABF so they could see dd (and so I could take care of ABF)
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Stung, I'm sorry you've been feeling this way and that you're not getting the support you deserve from your family. I'm so happy for you that you are learning where and how to get support for yourself. Your life is on your timeline, not theirs. You're allowed to proceed in whatever way is best for YOU. 
((((hugs))))
Awareness is so important. I've come to really appreciate the things I'm now aware of --- dynamics of relationships, things I say or do, etc. Not anything wrong, just awareness.
I've started thinking about things lately as healthy or unhealthy instead of right or wrong. I don't know why, but trying to stay "right" drains me and seems like hard work a lot of the time. Doing things that are mentally, physically or spiritually healthy for me tends to support that I'm valuing myself and am making good choices. When unhealthy thoughts or choices happen, I acknowledge that and look to transform it to something healthier. Unhealthy things aren't necessarily wrong, but they sure aren't GOOD for me. I can't stop them, but I can be aware of them and start changing what I do about them. It may be the same exact thing with a different viewpoint, but changing my viewpoint keeps changing me. I hauled garbage to the dump the other day and felt empowered by taking care of things on my own. Funny, but there have been times when I did the same thing and felt like I had the world on my shoulders and was trying to do everything by myself. Nothing has changed and yet, internally, things are changing for me. I'm finally starting to like myself and find confidence in things I'm doing.
Someone had pointed out how long I've been here (as in, how long I've been screwed up?
), yet it's not my problem that they perceive how my timeline has been or will be -- it's my journey to travel and that's okay!! Life does get better.
In "The Power of Being" by Baron Baptiste, he uses the phrase "what we resist persists". Accepting people and relationships as they are, and how they are not, has been helpful to me.
((((hugs))))Awareness is so important. I've come to really appreciate the things I'm now aware of --- dynamics of relationships, things I say or do, etc. Not anything wrong, just awareness.
I've started thinking about things lately as healthy or unhealthy instead of right or wrong. I don't know why, but trying to stay "right" drains me and seems like hard work a lot of the time. Doing things that are mentally, physically or spiritually healthy for me tends to support that I'm valuing myself and am making good choices. When unhealthy thoughts or choices happen, I acknowledge that and look to transform it to something healthier. Unhealthy things aren't necessarily wrong, but they sure aren't GOOD for me. I can't stop them, but I can be aware of them and start changing what I do about them. It may be the same exact thing with a different viewpoint, but changing my viewpoint keeps changing me. I hauled garbage to the dump the other day and felt empowered by taking care of things on my own. Funny, but there have been times when I did the same thing and felt like I had the world on my shoulders and was trying to do everything by myself. Nothing has changed and yet, internally, things are changing for me. I'm finally starting to like myself and find confidence in things I'm doing.
Someone had pointed out how long I've been here (as in, how long I've been screwed up?
), yet it's not my problem that they perceive how my timeline has been or will be -- it's my journey to travel and that's okay!! Life does get better. In "The Power of Being" by Baron Baptiste, he uses the phrase "what we resist persists". Accepting people and relationships as they are, and how they are not, has been helpful to me.
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