surethatisfine

Hi, so I’m new to this element of loneliness and I’m just wanting to share my story, my feelings, and would like to welcome any empathy from those who have been down this road before.
My husband of 2 years is addicted to pain killers. He started off on a very mild (relatively speaking) dose of oxycodone and has since escalated to using roxycodone (30 mg tablets). I have looked up the drug by the kind of pill he is taking, just to see what it is and they vary from percocent, to oxycontin, to roxycodone. I didn’t realize he was using SO much until he came home late a couple of weeks ago each night nodding off – like dropping his cigarette out of his hand nodding off. That’s when I looked at the pill in the drawer and found out it was a 30 mg roxycodone.
The weekend following the “roxy binge” he laid in bed for two days, really unable to move or function. He was really sick; it was at this point that he realized how “dope sick” he was and he made declarations of wanting to stop using the drug. Since then, he has been working long hours and weekends, which has put him basically out of my view and I’m thinking the long hours are because he wants to stay away from the house to use. All of his co-workers use these opioid prescription drugs recreationally; I do not. I don’t use any drugs at all. I have a coffee creamer addiction that’s a little out of control, but that is it.
Does anyone have any similar experiences with a drug addict who uses work as an excuse to have access to getting high? I mean, I kind of take it personally because I feel he doesn’t want to be at the house or maybe he doesn’t enjoy my company and it’s really hurting my feelings. Or do you have an experience with opiate addicts in general and how the addiction progressed - the signs that were there or the way that they changed. I just feel so alone right now.

Thank you.

oceanlady1958

addicts will be amoung those that support their continued use of their drug of choice. they don't want anyone in their way .

SadWife7

My husbands recreation pill use turned into a heroin addiction. He was never home the last few months, he was working constantly on extra stuff at work to make money for the heroin. I think there was an element of guilt when he was at home, our relationship sucked, there was nothing pleasant to come home to (I didn't know about the heroin addiction). I was just mad he was never home & our finances sucked- the bills were always paid but there was never anything left over. We have a son and I was pregnant with our now month old daughter. I saw a lot on here that he wasn't just on pills anymore, that it was heroin, but I refused to believe it till I had proof, which I looked for constantly.
He now has 4 months sobriety. We're working through everything.
Hopefully he will be willing to get help before it progresses. Mentally, I could deal with the pills, or him as a pill addict, but accepting that he is a heroin addict is really really hard. I know it's all just an opiate addiction, but that doesn't make me feel better.
Got a little ramble-y, sorry. Now the baby is yelling at me to feed her. Good luck!!!

lovetohikect

Hey welcome Sure.

I, too, am having trouble these days with taking things personally. With the help of this board and lots of thought, reading and prayer, I think I'm getting better (maybe).

You asked about a painkiller addiction... my AS' story is different from your husband's but I can tell you how it progressed. He was first (I think, it's not entirely clear) prescribed painkillers for gut pain relating to a chronic, progressive liver disease he had acquired in his late teens (unrelated to substance use). Eventually he had a liver transplant (four years ago in June) and was prescribed oxycodone after the surgery. My impression was, given his massive incision and the seriousness of the surgery, heavy painkillers were warranted at that time.

However, what we noticed even then was that, say 4 weeks after the surgery, his doctors wanted to start weening him off the painkillers, and he didn't like that one bit. In fact he almost started to panic. Up until then, he seemed more or less normal when he was using painkillers, but then as they seemed to become more important in his life, he started sleeping a giant amount and also getting super-snarly when he didn't have access to them. Eventually (he was still living here at that time) he started combining the painkillers with alcohol.

He moved away from here for close to 3 years and we had limited contact with him; however, those years were marked by a disinclination to do anything to move on with life, resume his schooling, gain employment, or anything else beneficial. We feel that he was continuing to obtain painkillers during this time and the most direct results were an utter lack of ambition and drive, but also physical deterioration (primarily extreme thin-ness due to dozing in bed all day, every day, loss of muscle tone, skin problems, and overall compromised health). I should also mention that, to this day, he takes "drug vacations" in the hospital in order to gain access to strong painkillers; he was doing this all during the time that he didn't live here, as well as when he did, and he also doctor shops to find new physicians who might be willing to prescribe him more and better drugs.

One thing that I am *incredibly* angry about is how *incredibly* easy the medical system makes it for him to access these drugs. I have felt, in the past (before I stopped trying to control this) that we would just get one source turned off, and he'd immediately find another one. Just as one example... he needed his wisdom teeth pulled, as many young people do, and because he has a clotting disorder they could only do one at a time. Every ding-dang time he had one pulled, they gave him a prescription for 90 oxys!! What the heck? Who in the world would need that much oxycontin for one tooth???

He no longer lives with us (at least for now) but we always knew he'd gotten painkillers because he would come home and crash for 24-48 hours. And if we did anything to try to get him up for anything, God help us. It was like there was a wolverine in that bed.

I would say that overall, though, the most significant impact of my AS' painkiller abuse has been its mental impact. I think that deep down, he knows he has major problems, but the painkillers make it so that he ... just ... doesn't ... care.

Hope this helps....

Jane

zoso77

Welcome to the Board, SureThatIsFine. I'm glad you took the step to post what's been going on with you. Some of our members have already greeted you and given you some feedback, so I'd like to do the same:

What you will come to understand is someone in active addiction will use anything as a cover for their drug use. And it's important, actually very important, that you don't take what he's doing to himself personally. See, opiate addiction is a very solitary existance. The only thing that matters to your AH at this moment is the feeling he has when he's under the influence. His eyes are looking in one direction and one direction only: inward. His marriage, his job, and anything and everything else do not matter. And until he decides to stop and follow that decision with a course of treatment and a recovery plan, you can expect things to get worse.

I would encourage you to read as many posts as you can, paying particular attention to our sticky notes on our homepage. Of those stickies, I would encourage you to read "What Addicts Do".

I would also encourage you to keep a close eye on your joint finances and your own personal finances. If I'm right, money will be vanishing in order to support his habit.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

Ksgirl

My AXH "worked" CONSTANTLY to be able to use. I was finally lonely enough to divorce him and then a year and a half later, took him back (after hearing his sob story about wanting to change and get his family back..) well, it was worse. The bills never got paid, we were treated disrespectfully over and over again and he would come and go whenever he wanted to. He is now gone for good. He made sure to steal every last asset I had first though. He isn't remotely close to the man I met many years ago. The addiction changed him to an un-recognizable shell. Sure, he LOOKED the same, "friends" thought he was the same, but inside that demon took over. I am not saying this would be the case with your husband, but you asked for experiences. I am still cleaning up the mess and chaos left behind BUT... My boys and I are happy every day, we are more at peace and we know together, we can get through anything. We are focusing on US now instead of a man and his addictions. Wishing you luck, peace and blessings.

surethatisfine

@sadwife7 - I am glad that your husband is in sobriety and you are able to work on things. I can see that I, like you, am angry a lot and know that no one really wants to come home to negativity, so I am conscious of how I express myself but there is a fine line between walking on eggshells and ignoring your emotional needs so I find tension replacing anger a lot. He doesn't want to take responsibility for the neglect; he just keeps using the excuse "I have to work, I'm trying to make a life for us, I am so close to starting a business..." I can really relate to what you said: I feel like such a bad guy for being angry sometimes, but my needs aren’t being met and I don’t know how else to express that
@oceanladay – thank you for the insight. It makes sense that you would only want to be around people who condone your behavior but it’s hard to accept that your husband doesn’t have any interest in being with you anymore. It’s disturbing to think that a pill can replace another human being, especially a spouse.
@lovetohike - thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am sorry to hear that your son has gotten to (what seems to be) the point of no return and this has been going on for years. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to be the parent of an addict and to know that you have to let go. Has he attempted to get treatment for his addiction or acknowledged that he has a problem?
@sozo77 & Ksgirl – thanks for the insight, the welcome, and the well wishes. I guess there is this element of tunnel vision that only an addict can understand. I mean, I get it, to a degree. I’m dysfunctional in the morning until I have a cup of coffee; I think about it the night before. I think about the aroma, the taste, the ritual, and the satisfaction of having the first sip. I am indeed a coffee addict, but I couldn’t imagine continuing to use something that caused so many problems for me, that was so expensive, and literally caused me physical and emotional distress. I hope that you both are in a place where you are happy and if you have separated from a loved one who abuses drugs, you don’t have to endure the emotional abuse that comes along with loving and living with an addict again. I wouldn’t wish it on the devil himself.
@Ksgirl - how long were you married to an active addict? Was it messy when you left or was he able to understand your reason for leaving? I am so glad to hear you and your boys are in a better place. I'm sure it feels as thought a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

I feel that I carry a weight with me but it is not my own. I feel I am carrying the burden of my husbands addiction around with me. The addiction haunts me like it's my own. I don't try to make him stop, or give him ultimatums or anything like that; but I read about addiction and the behavioral changes constantly. I think it's the way I console myself. Like, if I hear that a person neglects everyone and everything around them because of the drug abuse, I can begin to take it less personally. It's only a temporary fix though and then the loneliness of it all settles in again.

Thanks all for your comments. They have been very helpful.

lovetohikect

Sure - to answer your question about my AS, in the past he attended NA and AA meetings but it was under pressure from me (a "house rule") and it didn't help at all. Last month, he was suicidal and went to the ER, and when he was there they realized via a urine test that he was using. (That was good for us, as we have always been worried about disclosing his substance use for fear that he would be ineligible for another transplant if he needed one. Now that cat is "out of the bag" and it's not on us).

He was also overdosing on his blood-thinners and his INR was over the moon, so they held him for a week until that was stabilized, and then the hospital folks told him that he could go to the psychiatric hospital voluntarily or involuntarily. He went voluntarily and stayed for two weeks. I don't know whether or what he disclosed about his substance abuse as we were not permitted to participate or have anything to do with his treatment.

Since then he has been theoretically required to attend day program but we don't know if he's going or what issues are treated there. My guess would be that he isn't going at all but if he is, he's almost certainly lying to them, too. He really doesn't think he has any problem at all and I'm sure he wouldn't hesitate to say whatever he had to, just to get a clean bill. I don't believe they p-test there, either (although again we cannot access any details).

Hope that answers your questions...

Jane