Blondie77

Hello.

I finally have the courage to introduce myself to you all as I've been reading your conversations and learning from you over the last week.

Wine is my addiction, and I reach for it now on a daily basis after work, and by about 3:00 on the weekends. A glass or two turned into a bottle, and then a bottle turned into..."if i buy a box of wine, no one (including me) will know how much i've actually drank". Denial, rationalization, shame, regret, and hangovers. I'm done with it. I look in the mirror and wonder, "who is this person"...and "i used to be a good person".

I have an amazing husband, a beautiful son, my parents are still married, and I have a solid career. So why do i drink? Was in the cancer at 25 that took away my ability to have biological children? Was it the fact I chose a safe/unispiring career that pays well versus a career that plays to my passions. Is it because we have become emotionally and for all purposes the guardians for our nieces whose father is a meth addict, and whose mother is a recovering crack addict (their mom is my husband's sister)? OR...am I just that freaking bored and disapointed with myself...and clearly horribly bad at coping with stress these days?

Not to sound like a pity party for one, but that's me in a nutshell. My father is a non-admitted alcoholic, and alcoholism runs deep in his family.

That's all the honesty I have right now, in a verbal diahrrea of admission.

I have read several posts by fellow parents, and I DO NOT want one of my life regrets to be that I was an impatient mother, or that my son never sees me without a glass of wine.

I took my first step this week by telling my husband that i have a problem, and admitting to him how much/often I drink. He is 100% on board with supporting me. The next day, however, I shut him out, and didn't want to talk about it...because it was my witching hour and I was really pissed that I wanted to have my glass of wine. Once I signed onto SR, however, my AV was shut out for the night. So for that, I thank you all greatly.

I need help, it's time, I just need to get and keep the cajones to actually follow through with doing the work!

Anways, hello.

FeelingGreat

Hi Blondie, I know from experience how easy it is to slip into the habit of drinking wine after work, because that's how I got sucked in. Working through the cravings is really worth it though. With over 2 years sobriety now, I'm so glad I stuck it out because it was really worrying me.
I found having short, then long, term goals helped, and changing my routine a bit to avoid old habits. I still have a drink when I come in, but its tea. It might be less about the alcohol than the ritual.

Verte

Welcome to the forum Blondie You are in a great place.

In the first days I kept my laptop with me from witching hour on...in the kitchen with dinner, bath and bedtime. Doing a lot of physical and manual labor to keep my hands busy really helped as well. For example, cleaning a toilet near the kitchen. I wrote about it and it was crazy, but it worked. Another thing that worked was throwing my headphones and running shoes on and running off the frustration. Just do not drink. Try cold fizzy waters from the refrigerator. These challenges will morph day by day.

You are definitely not alone here. Keep posting and reading.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR and the start of your sober journey.

I think we all ask that question. Some of us even find the answer. But in the end, for me, it didn't matter why I drank. I drank. What mattered was quitting. What mattered even more was learning to cope with life without alcohol and actually enjoy living sober.

That's recovery. Again, welcome.

Blondie77

I used to be an avid runner, and aerobics fanatic...but arthritis in both big toes has robbed me of my favorite physical fitness activities (and i'm only in my mid-30s). It has also increased the size of my rear end! No running, no high impact aerobics, no yoga. The Doc says I can bike, swim, or lift weights...none of which appeal to my need to seriously pound some pavement. I totally agree with you though, that increasing my physical activity will be a huge key to dealing with my AV!

Windancer

Welcome!!! You'll met lots of great people here.

firstymer

Welcome, Blondie. There are a lot of smart, supportive people here who really do understand what you are going through. SR has been an amazing resource for me.

I hope you will post often.

Good luck.

awholenewlife52

Hi Blondie77, welcome from another newcomer. I get how you feel. Like others, wine after work was how a lot of my troubles started years ago, even if I wasn't doing it everyday. I kidded myself that that meant things couldn't be that bad.

A few years on, a period of not working has given me the 'time' to go on benders for a few days at a time,involving spirits. I still have never drank everyday or for very long periods of days together, so again I could kid myself things weren't that bad. Well, I realise it IS bad, and HAS to stop.

I'm right with you for support.

I mentioned on my thread, I've started reading a book called 'Kick the Drink...Easily' by Jason Vale. It's really opening my eyes to the fact that there are NO benefits to drinking alcohol, only downsides. It's quite cleverly written.

Wellnessgirl

Oh how I miss my wine. That was the only drink that I drank. Wine while making dinner, wine while cleaning the house, wine while talking on the phone, wine the moment someone walked through the door, wine while just sitting in my backyard, wine when I was getting ready to go out, wine during lunch and dinner, wine after lunch and dinner, wine when I am stressed over the kids. When I went to meet a friend, it had to be where they had or sold wine....certainly not a coffee joint. I am only on day 2 of not drinking wine. Do I miss it?....more then I care to admit. I can tell you that I am not going to miss the hangovers, the little arguments that I caused, the money that I spent daily. I will not miss hiding it - my kids see me drinking it everyday and I want them to think I'm having a cup of coffee yet, it was filled with wine. I am tired of feeling like crap...physically and mentally. It's time to take control and stop being angry. My mom would say...."Things that anger you control you. Don't let anyone or anything ever control ever you"....Good luck my friend...Stay well!

I'm glad you are here on this site. Your posting helped me more than you could imagine. Let's stick together and focus on our health. Our family and friends deserve a healthy us.

Lucie29

Wine has always been my drink as well. Yes I am going to miss it terribly. Then I think of all the damage it has caused, how one glass turns into a bottle, or more. Wine hangovers are the worst. Even if I woke up not sick, I was always so exhausted, even though i "slept" 8 hours or more. A bottle of wine every night became the norm. I couldn't do normal activities with friends unless there would be wine involved at some point. The feeling in my muscles and bones every morning is enough to make me stop. I felt like I was 80 years old at 29. We will miss the comfort of wine, but I hear it gets easier.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Blondie77!!

You'll find loads of support here on SR, it's great to have you here!!

Mabel4

Welcome Blondie. Glad to have you with us.

You know, I used to rack my brain over and over with "Why am I an alcoholic? Is my life bad? Am I just a bad person?" All kinds of stuff.

My conclusion finally is: We are alcoholics because we just can't stop drinking. There is no other explanation. Nothing to blame it on, no crazy mystery as to why I am and another person is not, no lack of whatever we do or do not have in our lives.

We just can't drink normally. Period.

soberjuly

Welcome Blondie!

I was also a wino. I love wine. It is my drink of choice but my usage had escalated to the point where a bottle a night was not enough.

And wine was what I 'tapered' off from. I found myself really depressed after the birth of my 3rd child. Postpartum depression is something I experienced after all 3 of my children were born. It's awful, you feel you are in a tunnel and can't breath.

I didn't drink after the first child. The doctor put me on antidepressants. I started after the 2nd child, I decided to "self-medicate" with booze. Heavy use for 2 years, but it was lots of vodka as I (barely) remember.

Then I quit for 5 years. Had a 3rd child and it started again. For 4 years. And I liked rum mostly (and gin and vodka). For 1.5-2 years. Then I switched to wine and cut out the hard liquor, thinking that was an improvement.

Anyhow, I am on Day 12.

I did a lot of "reward" drinking. I took the kids here or I finished that...time for a drink.

But I also drank when anything stressful happened. So I pretty much had an excuse to drink for anything.

When I returned from the mall with kids, I always rewarded myself with a drink.

It's been hard because, especially in the first week, what I was missing was a drink in my hand.

It felt like something was missing.

I had withdrawal, surprisingly worse than I thought it would be, for 3 days. Night sweats. Fluctuating HR and BP for the first week. Now I feel fine.

I also had some detox breakouts but they are going away. Especially the neck area which I guess is the liver detoxing.

Somehow I managed a short Disneyland vacation with no drinking and a plane flight last night where the pilot announced, that because the co-pilot was late causing our plane to leave late, he said all alcohol was free! It was weird because even seeing all the people in the row ahead order their drinks, I got a diet soda.

Because there really is no point. One drink is never enough for me.

In my head, when the opportunity to drink arises, a little voice in my head says "why bother?" because for me there are no benefits.

soberjuly

Well, with me it got to the point where my 13-yr-old son would come to me in the evening and say "anything I can get you mom? would you like a glass of wine?" That felt weird.

Both my 2 older kids (11 and 13) know, mom drinks wine every evening.

And drinking, I checked out of their lives. I was there but not extremely present beyond the things I had to do.

todayiwill

Wine is also my drink of choice. I am on day five and also have a beautiful family and job. We will support one another.

rvrnbch4

You are writing my thoughts exactly. I'm so done feeling sick & embarrassed & waking up in the morning worried I did or said something in front of my beautiful kids. I am cleaning the house today thinking, "wow, it's my only day off this week & I'm not headed to the pool with a drink! And, I am not hungover!" We can do this! We will do this! God Bless.

pumpkinny

Welcome Blondie! I'm just 11 days in and still miss the warm feeling of wine. It's all about distracting myself and keeping busy once I get home from work. I have a cup of tea brewing for when I make dinner. One benefit I noticed, although I haven't been on a scale... my pants are kind of falling off! All the work outs and watching my diet when all I had to do was put down the bottle. Whoda thunk!

awholenewlife52

Soberjuly, your post was powerful for me to read. You've good long times of sobriety in the past (much more than I do) so I'm sure you can do this again.

I too have experienced a bit of withdrawal after the past few binges, which has scared the living daylights of me. The sweating (and the awful smell off that sweat, ugh), heart racing....maybe high blood pressure too, I don't know as I haven't had it checked (stupid, I know). I'm beginning to feel a little better.

What you said about spots on your neck freaked me out.....I've been getting that too after drinking.....mostly small, hard spots. That horrifies me to think that is my liver detoxing, ugh.

I'm with you, there is just no point in alcohol to me now, too.

Blondie77

Hearing so many of you in my same boat is such a relief! My son is 1 yr old, so my after work time is spent chasing him around the house until he goes to sleep versus doing my workouts. When I'm chasing him around, I always make sure our path goes by the refrigerator. My key will be making sure wine is never in the house, or it will be drank.

Postpartum - check! That would have been me as well. We adopted our son last year, and it was a very hard adjustment for me, and he had a lot of challenges that added even more stress to my once totally predictable life and routine. And yep, still on the antidepressants for that. Sad thing is, the meds help me get over the "sadsies" I felt with each hangover. How pathetic is that?

It is very humbling to admit these things, but so very reassuring that I have others to cling to for support...without trying to rely totally on people that don't understand what we go through. I bought several of the book recommendations today on recovery, and am reading SR as much as possible. I thank you all so much for your words and inspiration, and hope to be there just as much for you when you a push, pull, or punch in the arm.

anotherquitter

Welcome.
I can certainly relate to going from the bottle to the box - much more economical too! It was even better buying from the wholesaler by the case (which contained three or four boxes). Wine wasn't all I drank but it certainly was pretty close to the core. I liked nothing better most of the time, a cold beer on a hot day was certainly close. Eventually even the large quantities of wine wasn't enough and a few rums with the boys at the bar after work, before opening a bottle or two at home, became the norm. But that was then.

I've got two years + now and yet still miss the wine at times. Just last night I was in the kitchen working on a marinade for my steak and the Mrs. said how wasn't it nice we were preparing dinner together. I had to answer honestly and say it wasn't as much fun as it used to be when I'd be playing my own version of 'top chef' (the home game) while consuming a few large glasses. My enthusiasm for attempting culinary creations certainly took a nose dive when I quit drinking. I didn't even have any desire to try to enjoy a filet minion without that glass of red zin next to it.

I know some day I'll get back to playing in the kitchen, but I do have so many other activities and responsibilities that not doing so doesn't bother me. We still have the occasional dinner party and many of our friends drink, which doesn't bother nor tempt me in any way. It does get easier with time and support.

You are among friends here, who have been where you are, and like you made the decision to quit. Good luck in your path to sobriety.