indigoeyes

First time posting, yet have been here for a while learning an enormous amount from all of the various posts and blogs and wisdom. I resist posting and sharing in meetings as I don’t feel I can adequately express what I’m going through. And, yet, I know people on this forum have been through the gamut and have lots of experience. I’m heading into a family session over several days with a counselor and have ixed feelings. My A partner (25 yrs sober) & I instigated the counseling with my extended family after several years of numerous blow ups and basically working on ourselves and stepping way back from the crazy. Many family members found this threatening and continued their work on us and my teenage kids. The kids weren’t sure who to believe and found themselves in the middle of the lies and manipulation. Thankfully they have realized who can be trusted, who is just fueling the fire, and who is just being who they are. They still hold on to some resentment towards everyone, including me, and also find it hard to trust others.
I’m struggling with having ‘no’ expectations and the acceptance of all of this and the grieving for the loss of the family I thought I had. At one point there was closeness and we often times just ‘rolled with it.’ (and, I admit I contributed to the dysfunction until I found a better way). I’m also struggling with the fact that we’ve been accused of destroying the family, abusing my kids, setting boundaries, being hateful and selfish, etc. and if I’d just gotten rid of my partner of 9 years, everything would be status quo.
So, where does truth come into the picture? Things that have been said and done and written in emails and letters... Most of the family feels that these things and events are my perception and if I could just let go of the past and forgive and forget, we can all move forward. It’s absolute crazy train stuff the things that are said and done through the lies, manipulation, and behaviors. Our solution is to just not be available for all the chaos and spewed venom and no one likes that solution. No one else is in recovery, so that says a lot, and several in the family are in the narcissistic mindset. Even the counselor has stated that we won’t have much time to go through everyone’s ‘perceptions.’ I don’t want the perceptions, I want truth and acknowledgement. (there I go with my expectations again – whew!)
…and, just like going back through childhood experiences and working through that stuff to reach a better place of understanding and healing, doesn’t it make sense to go back to the huge catalyst of several years ago and work through that specific incident and then work on moving forward? That’s what makes sense to me, and yet no one else wants to do that (they would have to be honest, authentic, come clean in front of everyone, and make amends).
I’m just working on myself and will do my very best to not react, allow others to ‘be,’ and show up with a positive attitude and process what I need to process through all the muck and mire…
How have others here supported themselves, partner, and kids through family group? Thank you!!

happybeingme

Hi indigo and welcome.
I give you a lot of credit for wanting to even attempt to go through counseling with your family. I have no experience with it and cant advise you regarding it. I hope it works.

I do think its a good idea to go in with no expectations. People dont usually change. And it has been my experience the more disfunctional the family the less likely they will. The way I understand it in disfunctional family systems everyone has a role to play and when you try to change your role or get out of the group entirely it causes chaos. So, just be careful and take care of yourself, your partner, and your kids

Kialua

Welcome. It is helpful to have no expectations, hard to do but it can be done.

By the way, just a bit confused on your story, are you talking about your FOO ( Family of Origin, sibs and parents ect) or your children?

indigoeyes

It's my FOO including my siblings spouses. Several members have tried to turn my kids against me for changing my role within the family. It hasn't worked though, which is really positive. This whole thing has actually strengthened my relationship with my kids!!

NWGRITS

IME, the cut-and-run approach has been more effective in saving my sanity and getting off the rollercoaster. However, if you're insistent upon trying the family counseling approach, I agree with Kialua- dont have any expectations. No expectations=no disappointment if it all goes to hell.

Kialua

It has taken me decades to start to be in touch with my sibs, and we are not really close. Just get together close once in a while. We all sort of respect each other's boundaries and stay distant but polite. It could be so much worse. But let me repeat, it has taken me decades. Don't expect any quick fixes.

makomago

I admire your bravery with the attempt at family counselling. I've got to say that I personally would avoid it like the plague - note I'm not saying you should avoid it... Many of my family are in denial or insane or both.

There is little chance my family could handle the truth, which is why they're in denial. I'd be very surprised if many of them could accept what I say without demonstrating their own codependence and without passing comment, making judgement, minimizing, re-casting facts or otherwise trying to sanitize events in one way or another.

So for my recovery I focus on myself and I let them be. It is becoming enough of a habit that they've learned/learning that the status quo is in their interests too.... I guess that is partly as their being able to control my 'perception', thoughts, beliefs and actions doesn't work anymore... well, it doesn't work very well for them :-)