I can leave him and I know it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Pa
Posts: 4
I can leave him and I know it
I met my boyfriend two years ago, and damn we fell in love. He was great. He did everything for me. I ******* adored him. I was 20 and he was 18. After six months we moved into our first apartment together. Everything was great for about six months after that, and then I started noticing strange mood swings and generally shady behavior. After a meltdown(his end) , I confronted him and said I knew he had to be doing something to be acting like this. He admitted he was a heroin addict immediately, and I'd never had a clue. I'd never seen him nod out, never even suspected it could be so bad . He checked into mental health (also has bipolar and depression) and was in there for three days. Got out, went to meetings for about a month, and everything was good for four months. Then he relapsed. I came home from work to find everything on my coffee table and him almost dead from using so much after being clean. I freaked out and kicked him out, then let him come back the next day. So about a week passed and I caught him again. At this point I was done. I kicked him out of my home. About two weeks passed and we had tickets to fly to Florida already purchased. We went and had a wonderful time, but while there I had no stress about wondering if he was using. When we got back I told him I couldn't trust him in my house. I was scared to leave and I can't watch him all the time. It was not how I wanted to live my life and I knew it. I ******* love him. I do. About three weeks passed when we got back from Florida and then he checked himself into rehab. And I do want to be with him eventually, but I know I can't be with someone I can't trust. I've made that step and I'm not taking it back. So my question is how do I learn to trust him again? When every time he talks I think he's lying? I am not letting him back into my house or my life until I figure this out. As much as I wish he could get out of rehab and come home and everything would be fine, I know it isn't that easy. I came to this website searching for a story similar to mine and all I could find were girls just living with it. I am not like that. I will not put up with ********. I did and I know I need to hold my ground at this point. He chose to go to rehab for himself and made his own choice there, so I want to believe he is capable of recovery. But at this point I don't know if I am.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
My husband is 4 months sober from his heroin addiction. When I found out I freaked out, kicked him out of the house. He stayed with his mom for a month while going through an intensive outpatient treatment. We have a 2 year old & I was pregnant at the time. I first talked to him a week after the original blowup, and he asked what he could do to earn trust back, and I was very honest. There was nothing he could do, because I was not willing to trust him.
He got through the program, started back at work, moved back into the house. It's going okay now. If he starts using again and lies about it, divorce paperwork will be filed. If he uses & immediately comes clean about it and gets himself additional help, then we will see.
If we weren't married with kids, I would have been done. Since that isn't the situation, I will not live with an active addict. As long as he is in recovery, we'll keep working on saving our marriage.
You'll just have to give it some time. You can not be together, but both of you committed to staying single with the intent of being together again when time has healed some wounds & he has proved that he can be trusted. Or stay a couple, but keep your own places to live, etc, so that if he doesn't stay sober you are in a position to walk away.
Good Luck!
He got through the program, started back at work, moved back into the house. It's going okay now. If he starts using again and lies about it, divorce paperwork will be filed. If he uses & immediately comes clean about it and gets himself additional help, then we will see.
If we weren't married with kids, I would have been done. Since that isn't the situation, I will not live with an active addict. As long as he is in recovery, we'll keep working on saving our marriage.
You'll just have to give it some time. You can not be together, but both of you committed to staying single with the intent of being together again when time has healed some wounds & he has proved that he can be trusted. Or stay a couple, but keep your own places to live, etc, so that if he doesn't stay sober you are in a position to walk away.
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
Hi there Foot. Welcome to the board (from a newbie herself).
You might want to do a bit more reading on the board before you draw the conclusion that everyone here is "just living with" their loved one's addiction. What I see, looking at the many stories, are folks making all different decisions and taking all different kinds of actions, whether that involves separating from the addict or continuing to be with the addict but in a more conscious way. A lot of it depends on what ties the person to his or her addict - if the people have children together, or if one of the people involved IS a son or daughter, sometimes what folks decide to do is different than in the situation where it is a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I think you'll find a lot of wisdom and good thoughts when you see the process people have gone through, some that might even be helpful in your situation.
To your point, though, which I think I correctly understand as "how do I trust him again?," my thought would be that there probably is no way to expedite the process. Either he will conduct himself in a trustworthy, honest and upright way, or he won't. He will almost certainly stumble along the way from time to time, and only you can decide if you feel his progress is generally in a positive or in a negative direction. But, I don't see how you could make things move more quickly than they are. It will just take day-to-day effort on his part and then you will decide how or if you will react. It isn't unusual not to be able to trust someone who has repeatedly betrayed your trust.
It will just take time and only you can decide whether enough time has gone by.
Good luck to you!
Jane
You might want to do a bit more reading on the board before you draw the conclusion that everyone here is "just living with" their loved one's addiction. What I see, looking at the many stories, are folks making all different decisions and taking all different kinds of actions, whether that involves separating from the addict or continuing to be with the addict but in a more conscious way. A lot of it depends on what ties the person to his or her addict - if the people have children together, or if one of the people involved IS a son or daughter, sometimes what folks decide to do is different than in the situation where it is a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I think you'll find a lot of wisdom and good thoughts when you see the process people have gone through, some that might even be helpful in your situation.
To your point, though, which I think I correctly understand as "how do I trust him again?," my thought would be that there probably is no way to expedite the process. Either he will conduct himself in a trustworthy, honest and upright way, or he won't. He will almost certainly stumble along the way from time to time, and only you can decide if you feel his progress is generally in a positive or in a negative direction. But, I don't see how you could make things move more quickly than they are. It will just take day-to-day effort on his part and then you will decide how or if you will react. It isn't unusual not to be able to trust someone who has repeatedly betrayed your trust.
It will just take time and only you can decide whether enough time has gone by.
Good luck to you!
Jane
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Learning to trust again takes a lot of time and trustworthy "actions" on their part. The thing with addiction is that recovery is a daily reprieve, not a cure.
My son has struggled with addiction for more than 20 years now, he was clean 3 years once and 2 years another time, but for him relapse always followed. When he was clean, you could trust him, when he was not you could not trust him at all, not his words and not his actions.
What you may want to consider is if this is how you want to live your life, if you want to live with the risk of relapse or overdose because sadly, that risk never goes away.
That said, many here have chosen to detach from addiction, I have detached from my own son who is lost somewhere in his addiction right now and has been for over 10 years. And many here have chosen to stay and their loved ones have maintained sobriety for a long time.
There are many double winners here, recovering addicts who are also recovering codependents, and they are the strongest of all, the ones who overcame addiction and the life that went with it and are today living productive happy lives.
In the end, it's not really about how you think he will make out with his recovery and the future, it's about how you will choose to live your life and what is and is not acceptable to you.
It's a hard choice to make, you don't have to make it today, and now may be a good time to find your balance so that you can make your decision with clarity and courage.
Hugs
My son has struggled with addiction for more than 20 years now, he was clean 3 years once and 2 years another time, but for him relapse always followed. When he was clean, you could trust him, when he was not you could not trust him at all, not his words and not his actions.
What you may want to consider is if this is how you want to live your life, if you want to live with the risk of relapse or overdose because sadly, that risk never goes away.
That said, many here have chosen to detach from addiction, I have detached from my own son who is lost somewhere in his addiction right now and has been for over 10 years. And many here have chosen to stay and their loved ones have maintained sobriety for a long time.
There are many double winners here, recovering addicts who are also recovering codependents, and they are the strongest of all, the ones who overcame addiction and the life that went with it and are today living productive happy lives.
In the end, it's not really about how you think he will make out with his recovery and the future, it's about how you will choose to live your life and what is and is not acceptable to you.
It's a hard choice to make, you don't have to make it today, and now may be a good time to find your balance so that you can make your decision with clarity and courage.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 106
Our stories are actually very similar.. I knew my bf was an addict when I met him, but at that time he had almost 2 years clean time, and relapsed a little over a year after we'd been together. It's been a rocky 3 months since then, He used on and off for a month and a half, then got clean on his own.. Relapsed again a couple weeks ago, and then immediately put himself in rehab because getting clean on his own obviously didn't work. I kicked him out during his active addiction, he stayed with his sponsor, and that's when he got the 38 days clean time. I let him come back, and it happened again. It's a good thing your boyfriend is in rehab. Sometimes they need to be taken out of their day to day environment in order to retrain themselves on how to deal with triggers, stress, ect.
My boyfriend says he feels like this is his first time in treatment and first real time trying to get clean (it's not), because of how bad he wants this and how serious he's taking it.
Hang in there and take care of yourself, it's not easy.
My boyfriend says he feels like this is his first time in treatment and first real time trying to get clean (it's not), because of how bad he wants this and how serious he's taking it.
Hang in there and take care of yourself, it's not easy.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board, Footdown. I'm glad you found us. Some of our members have already welcomed you and have given you valuable feedback, so now I guess it's my turn.
Simple. While he's still using, you can't trust him. Your instincts are on the nose in that regard. But I'm curious...you're 22 years old now...why, given what you know to be true, do you even consider allowing him back in your life? On the one hand, you say you're not going to put up with any BS. But on the other hand, keeping the door open for him in turn allows the BS back into your life.
I have nieces and nephews roughly your age. If one of them chose to remain coupled to a sick person, knowing what I know, I'd be heartbroken.
With all of that being said, though, let's assume for the sake of argument that you keep the door open for him. I can tell you from experience that an addict in the very early stages of recovery is not a reliable, mature romantic partner. And that's because if he's doing what he's supposed to be doing, he's putting all his focus on himself. He will not have anything to give you.
We can't make any decisions for you. We can only tell you what we know, through our collective experience, to be true. The odds that he's going to be a reliable, mature romantic partner are not good. Could he turn out OK? Sure. But what you have to ask yourself is how much suffering are you willing to endure if you bet the house on him?
At age 22, you have your whole life ahead of you. You can decide what sort of life that will be and who will be in it. Don't waste that gift. Think long and hard about what is best for you.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
So my question is how do I learn to trust him again? When every time he talks I think he's lying?
I have nieces and nephews roughly your age. If one of them chose to remain coupled to a sick person, knowing what I know, I'd be heartbroken.
With all of that being said, though, let's assume for the sake of argument that you keep the door open for him. I can tell you from experience that an addict in the very early stages of recovery is not a reliable, mature romantic partner. And that's because if he's doing what he's supposed to be doing, he's putting all his focus on himself. He will not have anything to give you.
We can't make any decisions for you. We can only tell you what we know, through our collective experience, to be true. The odds that he's going to be a reliable, mature romantic partner are not good. Could he turn out OK? Sure. But what you have to ask yourself is how much suffering are you willing to endure if you bet the house on him?
At age 22, you have your whole life ahead of you. You can decide what sort of life that will be and who will be in it. Don't waste that gift. Think long and hard about what is best for you.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Here is the thing about trust, do you trust yourself, because at this point that is much more important. It tends to be like the lies, and how it is always the ones you tell yourself that do the most damage.
Think about it isn’t just the heroin, he seems to have some mental health issues as well. This is all life long.
There is no way to ever know what will be for those we love addicted. It is a chance you take staying or leaving. And in the end it will be you who decides what the quality of your life will be. And worst thing is he doesn't bare the blame if you stay and it all goes bad in your life cause you were right there.
Being in a place like this, your main objective is to make sure you understand yourself, are honest with yourself and that you take good care of you. It will be very hard to answer any questions about his chances, if you can trust him again and things like that. The truth should always be right there in your face anyway, you will either accept it or deny it based on how well you take care of you.
As young as you are you, it might be the time to ask yourself what you really want and need from this life … and maybe where he fits into that and where he may not because it will take away from the quality of your life and your best chances.
Think about it isn’t just the heroin, he seems to have some mental health issues as well. This is all life long.
There is no way to ever know what will be for those we love addicted. It is a chance you take staying or leaving. And in the end it will be you who decides what the quality of your life will be. And worst thing is he doesn't bare the blame if you stay and it all goes bad in your life cause you were right there.
Being in a place like this, your main objective is to make sure you understand yourself, are honest with yourself and that you take good care of you. It will be very hard to answer any questions about his chances, if you can trust him again and things like that. The truth should always be right there in your face anyway, you will either accept it or deny it based on how well you take care of you.
As young as you are you, it might be the time to ask yourself what you really want and need from this life … and maybe where he fits into that and where he may not because it will take away from the quality of your life and your best chances.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Pa
Posts: 4
I have given it some thought and I am going to end it with him. I am not willing to spend the rest of my life constantly wondering, as much as I do love him. So new question... He's in rehab now. While we've been apart we still call each boyfriend and girlfriend, and the last couple of days he's called me from the rehab. How do I end it? Do I write him a letter? Wait for him to get out? Tell him on the phone? I don't know.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
If you are sure that you want to end the relationship, then telling him as soon as possible would be best, IMO. He is in a place with lots of support right now. He would have help handling the breakup, whereas, if you waited until he was out, he might use it as an excuse to use.
You have to do whatever you feel is right for you.
You have to do whatever you feel is right for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
I wish it was as easy as "just living with it". Life is not that easy. When I read your post, I think you know what you need to do so you don't end up living with it. If I could be in your shoes right now, 22 & seeing my possible future, no way would I even contemplate living with addiction, whether in recovery or not. But some of us, a lot of us, did not know what our future held. For the most part, our addicts were extremely good at being fake until there was no more hiding it.
Good luck to you and God bless.
Amy
Good luck to you and God bless.
Amy
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