Day 2 no contact

Old 07-22-2014, 09:26 PM
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Day 2 no contact

O after leaving last Friday, my AW would not stop calling and texting through the weekend. By the time Sunday evening came around I had enough and blocked her number. Only 2 days and I am starting to feel like me again and loving only being responsible for me and the confidence in myself is slowly coming back. Then this morning she called my stepmom and my mom. She tells my mom she's going to meetings and saw a therapist yesterday( of course she didn't like her). I'm like that's great but just have this feeling that she will tell anybody close to me what she thinks I want to hear so I get the message. I'm not trying to be too negative but she has never backed up any of her promises and has not respected my request for some time away to gather my thoughts. She seems to be able to stop drinking for like 2 days and can sound so sweet and sincere about anything, and then she drinks and it all goes away. Time will tell. Anyway, I am not going home anytime soon but just curious about how to even know if she is telling the truth or just being very manipulative which she has done in the past.
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Old 07-23-2014, 05:14 AM
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My experience is my AH will do anything to be in good graces. He knows what I want to hear. I'm sorry you are going through this. My AH is currently dry since he acted out over the wkend. I think you"ll know when she stops saying and stars doing!
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Old 07-23-2014, 07:48 AM
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HeartbrokenK is right. You need to listen to actions, not words.

Let's be real, two days isn't exactly a long stretch of sobriety. So far it sounds like she hasn't really even been able to respect your simple request for time to gather your thoughts. She says she's gone to "meetings"? Plural? How many? Is she actually going to daily meetings or just throwing words out there in the hopes that something will stick? My hunch is that your feeling she's telling people what you want to hear is spot on.

You ask how to tell if she's being manipulative. By that I assume you mean purposefully manipulative. Your really can't. And constantly trying to second guess someones motivations can be a terrible strain on a relationship. In the end it comes down to: Are you happy with yourself? Are you happy in your relationship with her? Are you happy with yourself in your relationship with her?

I know it's only been a few days, but it's got to be rough. Keep posting and reading here. It can be a lot of help. Wishing you support and strength.
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Old 07-23-2014, 08:34 AM
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Hi H, it might be worth asking your 'mothers' not to pass on her news, which is obviously designed to end up with you.

A good long period of sobriety will be the only way you can know if she's serious. If she is serious she'll be concentrating too hard on herself to harass you.
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Old 07-23-2014, 08:57 AM
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Yensid has a thread on this forum titled "How do I know it's for real this time". I've linked it below. She has received some very good responses to a similar question. You may find it interesting.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...real-time.html
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Old 07-23-2014, 09:00 AM
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H- I agree that two days isn't long enough for her "new" track record to prove anything. If she is feeling desperate for the relationship and is contacting your family, how healthy is her thinking? I have been on the opposite end myself these days. My ex ABF is very much sticking to no contact and regardless of any response or nonresponse, I am hurting. I realized yesterday that I have been relying too much on his family for support as they try to reason out understanding of his problems. Try not to make it more difficult for anyone by engaging with her and try to help your family move away from it to- that would be my suggestion. If she is really trying to get healthy, then she needs to put her entire focus on that.
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Old 07-23-2014, 09:29 AM
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Thanks everybody. In the 2 days I have gone no contact I feel like I am becoming me again. Honestly I don't miss her or the "relationship" we had together. I was miserable and felt like I really lost myself in it. I know that's on me and I don't want that to happen again. I am keeping a journal of my thoughts in feelings so I can look back and see if anything is changing in regards to that. I am loving being only responsible for me and right now I want it to stay that way. Future goals pop up in my head and none of them include her at this point. I know 2 days is a short time but this feels like my inner voice speaking to me very clearly. Time will tell of course. Thanks.
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Old 07-23-2014, 09:46 AM
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Good for you, NC can be a difficult but beneficial boundary to keep. It sounds like you really understand why it works & are using it to heal in your own recovery. Keep trusting those gut instincts.

You know, after years of BS & disrespect when my RAH talked recovery talk & walked recovery walk for a couple of months he would still get frustrated with me not just "accepting" that he'd changed & MEANT it this time. So I pointed out it had only been a couple of months & asked him what a "couple-months of trust" was SUPPOSED to look like following years of poor treatment & blatant disrespect? (He obviously had no answer) A couple of days is barely enough time to figure out how to begin the process of recovery/healing - for both of you.

I agree with asking the rest of the family to stop the updates too - otherwise it's not NC, it's indirect contact. Same as if you stalked her FB page or something similar. Just my $.02.

I have to lol every time I see your username - I'll bet I love going to see our local hockey team play for the same reasons you love to play.... real, raw energy unleashed. We go a lot during the season!
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Old 07-23-2014, 10:09 AM
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Thanks Firesprite. Hockey is such a great release, plus the nature of the game forces you to focus only on what your doing cause you could get your head taken off, lol.
We have only been married 9 months, we dated for like 4 months before we got married. That I know is on me. I was so caught up in the whirlwind of it and it felt like what I was looking for. Once we got married that's when the that's when my caretaker/ want to help and be responsible took over. I felt like I was always putting out fires and of course another was just waiting to be started. That's the me I am working on and as I realize more and more about my part in it I see that our relationship has been not much more than that. It is sad to think about but then again I feel so relieved to be free to be myself again.
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