Soberr

I don't understand how keeping something from someone in order to protect them from the knowlege (ie: not wanting your spouse to know about a one time slip up) is lying if it didn't impact them. My so called friends called me out on my "slip" not long ago via essentially spying on me and alerting my other friends who subsequently confronted me. It sucked and i lied to them too before I realized everyone knew the truth and I came clean. All forgave me except one who no longer speaks to me. Why was it their business and in what way is omitting information the same as lying. The one who doesnt talk to me anymore told another friend she can't trust me. Im trying to understand this all. Thanks

DoubleBarrel

While on one hand, it's no ones business, omission is lying, by omission. So many are used to the lying in addiction, and part of addiction often is sneaking around and using.
If someone caught me relapsing after I pledged to be sober, and they chose to not associate with me based on that, it's simply a consequence for my behaviour.

DoubleBarrel

Also, I don't know how long you have been sober, but rereading your post, you mentioned "if it didn't affect them."
I discovered that when I thought that I wasn't affecting others with my choices and addiction that I was dead wrong. The affect I had on others was not noticed in the depths of my using but it was amazing to me just how far reaching the impact on others actually was.

ScottFromWI

You can call it not telling the truth, not telling the whole story or lying but they all mean the same thing in my opinion.

To me, being honest ( especially with myself ) is the cornerstone of sobriety.

Soberr

Ok it wasnt a relapse though it was a slip (one time deal) and we have been friends for 23 years! I dknt see this as being so severe as to deserve that kind of treatment when my other friends and i talked it through and they forgave me after I told the whole truth. One even said "I wasnt hurt. Lying and denying is all part of the disease."

ScottFromWI

It doesn't really matter what it was...you didn't tell the truth and they called you on it.

Serenidad

Find friends who love you for YOU and support your recovery. F the rest of them! You did nothing wrong! Be true to YOU! Xo

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Soberr

Thanks... Maybe this friend isn't worth as much as I thought. I don't feel I owe her anything . Afterall, I eventually gave her the truth and she dismissed me anyway. Ty

instant

If you lie to others you are living a lie, you are presenting a false image to others- this is a problem for you because you might believe it yourself.............in the long run it didn't work....... for me anyway.

Are you resenting what they did? I ask because resentment was a real trap for me. I lived there for years.

Croissant

I think the first questions are, why did you omit?

Understanding why you drank is very important, whether it's what you call a "slip" or a relapse. The point is what broke down for you to change your mind and drink? And what were you trying to protect by not letting others know (whether it's their business or not, understanding why you didn't disclose is important).

Just my thoughts only. Putting a drink of poison to my mouth means something broke down in my recovery plan.

Soberr

I suppose I do resent them... I absolutely hate being cornered and confronted and ganged up on... All of which I felt they did. It's just been a rough year. Im angry at them and deep down i know they were just concerned for me. I hate being confronted though esp on something i actually am guilty of... My natural impulse is to cover my own ass with a lie... And well it just didn't work. They saw me in the act of drinking and i denied it practically point blank... Until i realized i could lose friends and trust this way... And well, i guess i lost one of the four

21Hope

My initial reply coming from an outsider looking in; your friends love and care about you but have been burned so many times they are over it???

Soberr

I dont make a habit out of lying directly... Some things i don't tell, but this is really the first time i recall lying to them... And i did rectify it within 4 days. I should get points for that

21Hope

Our true friends and loved ones can call us out with ease! We cannot hide our inebriation from them... They know us and love us! Shocking

soberjuly

I think you should just take a break from that friendship for now. You know the saying "if you love someone set them free..."

because right now you need people around you who will support you. If one friend rejected you and it's getting you down that might drive you to drink, so move on for now, not forever but just give this friend some room.

autumn2

Some people also think they are better than others. Maybe this rings true for this friend? Idk...just throwing that out there.

ReadyAtLast

I remember your post. You drank and they asked if you were drinking and you said no. It was a lie. I know in my past, people just had enough of the drinking and the consequences and fed up with me saying I quit only to start again. some people can't be friends with someone they can't trust. And no you don't get 'points' for coming clean some days later.Sometimes it is just too much for people-whatever her breaking point is then she has reached it

Maybe concentrate your energies and focus on staying sober and not having another relapse,slip-whatever you want to call it-the fact is you drank and with it comes consequences.

It is painful when people move away from us but I've learned that it happens with or without drink and its consequences. Friendships move on, people do grow apart from us. It is natural and try not to take it too personally. We can't control what other people say,think or do, only our own lives.

GracieLou

I did not lie directly either. I omitted the truth to make myself look better and to manipulate the story so that only my side, or the side I wanted, was being told.

I would give people yellow and blue. They made the green out of it, not me.

BS, I gave them what I wanted to give them so I could get the results I wanted while I sat back and acted like I had nothing to do with them creating green.

I had everything to do with it. I just wanted them to get to green on their own so I would feel I had no responsibility. They created the green, not me!

Giving half of the story, omitting key segments is deception. We deceive for a reason and I used to think I was doing it to protect others and that was a lie, it was a lie I told to myself! I was not protecting them, I was protecting me.

Get points? For what, telling the truth? People tell the truth all day long and get no points. The skies never cleared and rainbows did not appear when I got honest and stopped the deception and the manipulation.

To thine own self be true.

This whole situation bothers you and it bothers you for a reason. For me, I was mad at myself but projected that anger and resentment on to others so I would not have to look at the part that I played.

Today, I can honestly look at me, see my part, apologize if necessary and move on. If the other person still holds their anger and resentment after I have went to them and made a sincere amends, then that sits on their side of the street, not mine.

But I do have to honestly look at my actions before I can move on. You said that what you did and keeping it a secret did not effect others, I think your friend walking away tells a different story.

DisplacedGRITS

Soberr, relapses happen long before the drink touches one's lips. There is a breakdown of sober habits, an increase in delusional thinking and a lie that one believes that a drink is okay. You're minimizing like hell with this relapse. Call it a slip, a mistake, an oopsie...or get real and realize that there was a breakdown in your sobriety before you even drank. It's fine! It happens! But are you okay with minimizing it? If it wasn't that big a deal, what about the next time? Will it not be a big deal then? How about you treat this with the gravity that it deserves. I understand that you're upset and offended that your friends are concerned about your sobriety. They seem more concerned than you are. Does that not bother you? Are you upset with them to avoid being upset with yourself?

I don't mean to come off a confrontational but i think you're being distracted by other people instead of working on your self. You are in control of your emotions. If you are feeling angry, what is you role in that? What can you do to remove the anger from your heart? Think about it. Think about what you can change and how you can change it.

Jupiters

Yah, unfortunately these are the prices we pay for being untruthful (omitting is lying IMO, it's all semantics once again) ...people get sick of hearing it. It's disrespectful to them.
I look at omitting as lying b/c you're essentially giving a "part" truth. And how can other people make informed decisions when they aren't even working with a full deck of information? I find that dishonest.

That sucks you lost a friend. Maybe in time she'll come around? who knows.