I need help and advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Los angeles
Posts: 1
I need help and advice
Hello every one, this is my first time being on this site; I’m looking for help on how to deal with my boyfriend whom is addicted to crack. I have been involved with this man for over a year; when we first met, he told me he was in a drug rehab program; he had been there over ninety days, drug free, trying to get his life back together, he was on parole, had been out for two years and was looking for a relationship. He seems very sincere about what he was telling me, I was feeling him and I decided to give him a try. The first couple of months was cool, but once he found out about his mother’s death, he disappeared from the program he was in for two days, got high off crack and showed up at my place on the 3rd day. He explain to me what happen, I let him stay over the weekend and he went back to the program on Monday. The program did let him back in, but within the next couple of days he was kicked out from that program and transferred over to another drug and rehab center. He really didn’t go into detail on why but I think he got caught high and that’s why he got kicked out. To be honest, this was his fourth drug program; the reason for him bouncing around, he was not ready and he only participates in the programs because of fell drug test and really no place to live.
During his time at the 4th program, he was actually getting himself together; he was going to outside meetings taking things more seriously and communicating with me. After being enroll in this program for almost 3 months, he got into an altercation with another guy, one of the staff members witness the altercation, fell to intervene and let the guys fight. From my understanding the reason for the staff member not stopping the argument, he didn’t like my boyfriend and want him kicked out from the program. I guess he got what he wanted, my boyfriend was kicked out, transferred over to another program and started back using again. He was only in this program for a month and a half; after being kicked out he came to live with me for about 6 months and he moved back in with his aunt.
The reason for us separating, he was using drugs. He wasn’t on them heavy at the time he was living with me but he was using drugs. I tried to do everything I could to help him, but nothing work. He eventually got approved for his ssi, his first payment went up in smoke and this has been going on for 6 months now. He was suppose to go back into a rehab, he never did. He lied to me and made the decision to move back in with his aunt. I remember him telling me five months ago, he was in love me, but he never had a woman to stop him from doing what he pleased, etc. I fealty he was basically saying he was in love with me but was not ready for a relationship like he thought he was at first. He also told me three months ago everything was on hold, that he loved me but he was not on that at the moment.
While living with his aunt, I notice he was using again. He told me he was getting himself together, maintain and hanging out with his old friends. But I knew that was a lie, he went right back to a place where all of his abuse and childhood problems started; a place where he didn’t really won’t to be. I knew the reason why he went back, he was not ready to get help, he basically walked out on me and fed me a lie. He has a warrant out for his arrest right now because he has not fulfilled a court order. Its been almost 3 weeks and I have not heard anything from him. Its like he has disappeared. I ask him several times before this happen, what was going on with him, was he seeing another woman, was It over, was he smoking again; his answer was no to each question. He stated it was not me or anything else, he was just going through stuff with his homies and himself. Once he moved back in with his aunt things changed; we really didn’t communicate anymore, his money was going within 3 to 4 days, he was calling me for money every day or every other day, starting arguments, blaming me for everything, trying to make me feel bad, trying to manipulate me, etc. I stop feeding into his habits, but when he couldn’t get the money from me, he borrowed from friends, his father and eventually started talking to other women. Before he disappeared, he was to suppose to have a talk with me about what was going on; he never did. He told me he might not be living with his aunt and he would tell me later about the situation. When I texted him on the 3rd trying to find out what was going on, he called with an attitude, it sound like he was high; he stated Im trying to make him talk to me, he wasn’t ready to speak with me about it, I bug, I didn’t care about him, I only want to know who was he with and all the above. I didn’t wont to argue, so I didn’t say anything, and he said he would call me back but never did. On the 6th, I tried calling him 3 times from my phone, two times from another one and left a message, no answer. I called several times on Monday, still no answer, I had his daddy to call, no answer and he has not return his phone call since. I had my friend to call later that evening, some one answer and said that the phone didn’t belong to him any more and he bought it. Something didn’t seem right to me about the situation; reason why, the guy said his name was tony, that’s the same damn name my boyfriend uses when he does not want to give out his real name. I waited until that night, tried to call back again; no answer but I got a text stating that was no longer the guys phone I was looking for and he bought from someone. I didn’t respond back, I left it alone and gave it some thought. I waited until Wednesday, I call back from my Google plus number, my boyfriend answer, saying who is this playing on my phone, this is not dude phone any more; I said his name, I told him who I was; he paused, got quiet, held the phone for a couple of seconds and hung up. He paused like a child whom just got caught doing something he or she had no business, I know his voice and that was him. So I called back using my actually number, a lady answer stating that her boyfriend bought the phone from some guy, that he bought it four days ago, which would have been on Sunday; I told her who I was, that I have been looking for him and he was my boyfriend; she said she didn’t know, only her boyfriend bought the phone 4 days ago from some guy. I still was not satisfied with her answer, so I went on face book, I notice he finally fixed up his profile, added more friends and all of this had been done on Sunday from his cellphone. Last week I got in touch with one of his friends, who lives in the same neighborhood as his aunt; he told me he has been M I A since after the 4th; he called his phone on the 6th, no answer and he tried calling when we talked, still no answer. He said no one knows where he was at but I don’t believe him. I know some one knows something but I know he or anyone else wants to get in the middle of this. I also notice on last week, Wednesday, he or the girl he is with posted he was in a relationship but its not saying with who. After seeing this, I called his phone again, I called once private and call back a second time private; she answer saying who is this, I repeated back, who is this; then she said I know who this is, she said my name, I said yes this is me; I told her I felt something was funny about what she was telling me, I didn’t believe her and I begin to question her again. She said her dude bought the phone from some guy, he told him he had another phone, he was just trying to sell that one, she said her and her dude share that phone and then she ask me have I tried to call him; I told her no; how can I when you have his phone. Then I ask her, why is his voice message recording has his voice on it; she said oh we are trying to change that now. I know that’s bull because all you have to do is reset the phone. I told her okay and hung up. I know she is covering for him, I think she is on drugs also. I have left him messages on facebook, still no response. I know this is not over, I know he will be back, I’m just trying to prepare myself for him so I can deal with this situation the best way possible.
I remember him asking me not to give up on him, i said i would not but its hard. I'm hurt, upset and don't know what to do.
During his time at the 4th program, he was actually getting himself together; he was going to outside meetings taking things more seriously and communicating with me. After being enroll in this program for almost 3 months, he got into an altercation with another guy, one of the staff members witness the altercation, fell to intervene and let the guys fight. From my understanding the reason for the staff member not stopping the argument, he didn’t like my boyfriend and want him kicked out from the program. I guess he got what he wanted, my boyfriend was kicked out, transferred over to another program and started back using again. He was only in this program for a month and a half; after being kicked out he came to live with me for about 6 months and he moved back in with his aunt.
The reason for us separating, he was using drugs. He wasn’t on them heavy at the time he was living with me but he was using drugs. I tried to do everything I could to help him, but nothing work. He eventually got approved for his ssi, his first payment went up in smoke and this has been going on for 6 months now. He was suppose to go back into a rehab, he never did. He lied to me and made the decision to move back in with his aunt. I remember him telling me five months ago, he was in love me, but he never had a woman to stop him from doing what he pleased, etc. I fealty he was basically saying he was in love with me but was not ready for a relationship like he thought he was at first. He also told me three months ago everything was on hold, that he loved me but he was not on that at the moment.
While living with his aunt, I notice he was using again. He told me he was getting himself together, maintain and hanging out with his old friends. But I knew that was a lie, he went right back to a place where all of his abuse and childhood problems started; a place where he didn’t really won’t to be. I knew the reason why he went back, he was not ready to get help, he basically walked out on me and fed me a lie. He has a warrant out for his arrest right now because he has not fulfilled a court order. Its been almost 3 weeks and I have not heard anything from him. Its like he has disappeared. I ask him several times before this happen, what was going on with him, was he seeing another woman, was It over, was he smoking again; his answer was no to each question. He stated it was not me or anything else, he was just going through stuff with his homies and himself. Once he moved back in with his aunt things changed; we really didn’t communicate anymore, his money was going within 3 to 4 days, he was calling me for money every day or every other day, starting arguments, blaming me for everything, trying to make me feel bad, trying to manipulate me, etc. I stop feeding into his habits, but when he couldn’t get the money from me, he borrowed from friends, his father and eventually started talking to other women. Before he disappeared, he was to suppose to have a talk with me about what was going on; he never did. He told me he might not be living with his aunt and he would tell me later about the situation. When I texted him on the 3rd trying to find out what was going on, he called with an attitude, it sound like he was high; he stated Im trying to make him talk to me, he wasn’t ready to speak with me about it, I bug, I didn’t care about him, I only want to know who was he with and all the above. I didn’t wont to argue, so I didn’t say anything, and he said he would call me back but never did. On the 6th, I tried calling him 3 times from my phone, two times from another one and left a message, no answer. I called several times on Monday, still no answer, I had his daddy to call, no answer and he has not return his phone call since. I had my friend to call later that evening, some one answer and said that the phone didn’t belong to him any more and he bought it. Something didn’t seem right to me about the situation; reason why, the guy said his name was tony, that’s the same damn name my boyfriend uses when he does not want to give out his real name. I waited until that night, tried to call back again; no answer but I got a text stating that was no longer the guys phone I was looking for and he bought from someone. I didn’t respond back, I left it alone and gave it some thought. I waited until Wednesday, I call back from my Google plus number, my boyfriend answer, saying who is this playing on my phone, this is not dude phone any more; I said his name, I told him who I was; he paused, got quiet, held the phone for a couple of seconds and hung up. He paused like a child whom just got caught doing something he or she had no business, I know his voice and that was him. So I called back using my actually number, a lady answer stating that her boyfriend bought the phone from some guy, that he bought it four days ago, which would have been on Sunday; I told her who I was, that I have been looking for him and he was my boyfriend; she said she didn’t know, only her boyfriend bought the phone 4 days ago from some guy. I still was not satisfied with her answer, so I went on face book, I notice he finally fixed up his profile, added more friends and all of this had been done on Sunday from his cellphone. Last week I got in touch with one of his friends, who lives in the same neighborhood as his aunt; he told me he has been M I A since after the 4th; he called his phone on the 6th, no answer and he tried calling when we talked, still no answer. He said no one knows where he was at but I don’t believe him. I know some one knows something but I know he or anyone else wants to get in the middle of this. I also notice on last week, Wednesday, he or the girl he is with posted he was in a relationship but its not saying with who. After seeing this, I called his phone again, I called once private and call back a second time private; she answer saying who is this, I repeated back, who is this; then she said I know who this is, she said my name, I said yes this is me; I told her I felt something was funny about what she was telling me, I didn’t believe her and I begin to question her again. She said her dude bought the phone from some guy, he told him he had another phone, he was just trying to sell that one, she said her and her dude share that phone and then she ask me have I tried to call him; I told her no; how can I when you have his phone. Then I ask her, why is his voice message recording has his voice on it; she said oh we are trying to change that now. I know that’s bull because all you have to do is reset the phone. I told her okay and hung up. I know she is covering for him, I think she is on drugs also. I have left him messages on facebook, still no response. I know this is not over, I know he will be back, I’m just trying to prepare myself for him so I can deal with this situation the best way possible.
I remember him asking me not to give up on him, i said i would not but its hard. I'm hurt, upset and don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I am sorry for what you are going through as I know this is painful. I am glad you found SR. Check out the Friends and Family Forums...they may help you a bit more. There are stickies at the tops for you to read that will provide lots of info and support!
I ask, what are you getting from this relationship? It does not seem like he is a good person and is lying and covering up things. Have you tried a Naranon meeting that would give you some face to face support, or Celebrate Recovery? If not I encourage you to check them out.
It seems he is moving on. You say you know he will be back. Why should you be there for him when he comes back. I hope you take the time to look at your own life, your wants and needs and ask yourself how you can achieve those goals.
Good Luck and God Bless to you! Again, Welcome to SR!
I ask, what are you getting from this relationship? It does not seem like he is a good person and is lying and covering up things. Have you tried a Naranon meeting that would give you some face to face support, or Celebrate Recovery? If not I encourage you to check them out.
It seems he is moving on. You say you know he will be back. Why should you be there for him when he comes back. I hope you take the time to look at your own life, your wants and needs and ask yourself how you can achieve those goals.
Good Luck and God Bless to you! Again, Welcome to SR!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Hi and welcoem nhaley 
I moved your post to this forum - our Family And Friends Of Substance Abusers Forum for more feedback.
I know you'll find a lot of wisdom support and understanding here
D
I moved your post to this forum - our Family And Friends Of Substance Abusers Forum for more feedback.
I know you'll find a lot of wisdom support and understanding here
D
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to FFSA, NHaley. I'm glad and thankful Dee moved your post over to our side of the street.
Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont, I've got a couple of observations, too.
By my count, there are three big red flags here: he's an addict in the very early stages of recovery, he was on parole, and he was "looking for a relationship". Let's take the third flag and talk about that.
If he were truly serious about his recovery, he would not be looking for a relationship. For recovery from addiction, in the beginning, is essentially a full time job. There is no bandwidth to give anyone else in any meaningful way when someone is in early recovery.
As for the other two red flags, my hope is that in time, you step back and look at those objectively and honestly. You took a hell of a risk. Ask yourself why?
One lesson that should be clear to you is what he says and what he does are orthogonal to each other. And based on that, and a bunch of other things, how you should handle should be clear to you. As our other members come by to greet you, pay attention to what they share with you. Look at your time here as an opportunity for growth and for learning.
And again, Welcome to the Board.
Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont, I've got a couple of observations, too.
I have been involved with this man for over a year; when we first met, he told me he was in a drug rehab program; he had been there over ninety days, drug free, trying to get his life back together, he was on parole, had been out for two years and was looking for a relationship.
If he were truly serious about his recovery, he would not be looking for a relationship. For recovery from addiction, in the beginning, is essentially a full time job. There is no bandwidth to give anyone else in any meaningful way when someone is in early recovery.
As for the other two red flags, my hope is that in time, you step back and look at those objectively and honestly. You took a hell of a risk. Ask yourself why?
One lesson that should be clear to you is what he says and what he does are orthogonal to each other. And based on that, and a bunch of other things, how you should handle should be clear to you. As our other members come by to greet you, pay attention to what they share with you. Look at your time here as an opportunity for growth and for learning.
And again, Welcome to the Board.
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