meggem

Over the last week or two, I find myself in a different place. A better place. It makes me nervous though. I thought for sure at this point I would still be in the depths of h&ll. In fact, I expected things to get much worse. Apparently he signed and notarized the papers and is mailing today.

I feel very detached from him. Completely separate. He is still taunting me, every 3rd or 4th day he stirs something up. He follows me around sometimes, gives me death glares, makes random open ended statements/declarations/accusations. He tries so hard to get me in the mud, but I won’t go. I know for sure if I participated, he would go full out. I still have physical feelings when he starts. My heart starts to race, my entire “torso” gets very twisty and uncomfortable.

I was thinking yesterday- he is nothing to me. He’s not my relative, he’s not family. I owe him nothing. Zilch. Nada. Sure, he is the father of my kids and I know I am stuck with him forever on that front, but for me personally – I feel like he is a 100 pound bag that I have been dragging up a mountain that I have finally put down. All he is to me right now, is a mistake. I don’t regret him. I don’t believe in regret. But I consider him a mistake.

I move in 2 weeks. I’m kind of excited. I feel like my life is starting soon. I feel like it’s going to be ok. Better than ok. (aside from normal life stressors). But that scares me. What am I missing? I feel like I am going to turn a happy corner and something is going to jump out from behind a bush and blow me out of the water.

I’m not afraid of living alone (not really). I’m not afraid of being a single mom (for the most part) – I have been a single married mom for a long time. Sure there are dribs and drabs of things regarding the kids that will be a little more challenging but I’m not terribly afraid.

My kids have never been away from me for an entire weekend and I know that is going to be weird for me and at times I might feel really sad and miss them, but a whole weekend where I can do what I want? Dare I say? Even if I am running errands all weekend or cleaning - I could do that? Really?? If I want I can spend an entire Saturday watching a Law and Order Marathon if I so choose? Or cook all day with the music on -in peace -with a glass of wine?

I was the one who managed the finances, so I’m not really afraid of that. I was the one that handled the administrative things that go along with life, so I’m not too afraid of that either.

The one thing that I am afraid of, is screwing up the remote control and not being able to fix it (he would fix it). you know when you go to change the channel and it blinks red and nothing happens? That scares me.

He did handle taking the garbage out, but I don’t think I will have a problem with that…

I also will be responsible for mowing the lawn (nice size, but small) and shoveling snow. That will be new but that doesn’t seem terribly scary.

What am I missing? Please tell me. Could the worst of this be over??? Will I “stay” this way?

For those of you who got out, what is it like? Are my good feelings “real”? Or is this a new phase or a cousin of denial??

Hawkeye13

I don't think you are missing anything.
Sounds like you've been carrying him a long time.
He's the one who should be afraid.

Great job on not engaging.
You are so used to emotional trauma the lack of it feels weird, doesn't it?
I totally get that. I would say your feelings are normal.

Keep focusing on the future and I agree, no regrets and a lesson learned

Eddiebuckle

Meg,

You aren't missing anything that I can see. It almost sounds like emotional agoraphobia - you have been confined in a broken relationship so long that the absence of "broken-ness" seems jarring.

Will life be all rainbows and unicorns? No, of course not. Though I am not particularly religious, I do think there is truth in the bible where it says that we were made in Gods image. Genesis starts with the creation of the world. At our greatest, we humans have the ability to create incredible things: music, art, food... relationships. Go out and make yourself a beautiful life; this is what you were meant to do all along. Don't be afraid to make a few mistakes every day, it's the only way we learn to create better things in the future.

SparkleKitty

I promise you will figure out the remote!

Florence

It's always the inputs. Hit the "input" or "auxiliary" button, then the "cable" button. On a universal remote, you need to choose which device the remote is talking to, whether it's the TV itself or the cable box. 90% of the time, you just need to switch the input back to cable.

I used to work customer service for the cable company. They're not all bad. If all else fails, call the cable company and have them walk you through it.

As for the rest of it, it's exhilarating. I'm divorced now for all of three weeks, after eight years of togetherness and two of those separated. I'm looking at buying a new car soon, something I never thought I could do on my own. As you take steps out of the darkness, you're bathed in light, girl. You're just bathed in it. There are still shadows, but nothing like before.

HealingWillCome

It's time for living!!! Enjoy!!!

Thumper

You are going to do great! I don't think you are missing anything.

The thing I was not prepare for was the explosion of fighting in my house. It was the opposite of calm and peaceful that first year. In the long run they have a more peaceful home because I am a more peaceful and together person and our home is stable, secure and free from alcoholism but in the short run it was way way more chaotic with all the change and loss and how that manifested in their behavior - and I was stretched so thin and so stressed that I was not all I should have been either. Time and counseling got us through. It also just took time for me to quit waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was hard work to learn to live in the moment and enjoy the small parts of my day.

ETA: ^^ that part is reflective of the age of my kids. 3yo, 3yo, 8yo, 10yo. It was mostly the older boys that had such a tough adjustment. The younger boys had a smoother transition.

hopeful4

I don't think you are missing anything. I felt the same way and am several months in, I still feel that way! My family and close friends all tell me how much more happy and content I seem in my life, and I agree. There are bumps, but that's just it, they are bumps.

I already took care of everything too, so no big deal there. I had to stop mowing b/c I broke my leg, no big deal there, I hired a guy, he is doing a beautiful job for a great price.

Look forward to happiness in your life, you deserve it!

We all love you and are so proud of you!!!

XXX

Refiner

Ha ha! It looks like you just come here and ask your SR friends what to do! You've GOT THIS, Meg!!! You will be... FREE!

unsureoffuture

It's real all right. You are moving through the stages of grief regarding your relationship. Remember, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. You are at acceptance. You accept the situation for what it is and you are moving forward with your life! Yah, go girl! Congratulations on the new bright and exciting future ahead that awaits you.

I am in a similar situation getting ready to divorce and leave my STBXAH and we have kids. For me, my feelings comes in waves but for the most part I feel like you describe above. The sadness and fear still hit my from time to time but its fleeting and the excited and content feeling is here to stay more and more often. Your situation sounds VERY familiar. I too was a single married mom and handled everything around the hosue except the garbage. I even handled the remote lol. You will get it its very easy . We strong moms have already been handling everything alone so its no big deal when new things arise. I am also looking forward to a weekend without the kids (although I feel guilty admitting that). I will miss them dearly and worry about them constantly but I have spent the last almost 9 years compensating for a Dad who chooses to be barely involved in their activities. I do it all with them and I am exhausted as a result. I am praying it strengthens their bond and he becomes more involved.

Wishing you continued peace and happiness. Best of luck with the move . I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

fedup3

Meg, it sounds like you've been handling everything for years so you're going to be doing the same things you've always have been doing, you'll be okay. Remember when your kids were babies and once they got older you didn't have to lug the diaper bag everywhere with you any longer, didn't you feel like you were forgetting something? You'll be okay. It's now 3 yrs since my divorce and if I come across something I just can't do I'll hire someone to do it for me and so will you.

TalenCrowhaven

Keep on going, you're doing great!

As for anything regarding cable, cars, electronics, etc...Google is your friend! I've even managed to trouble shoot my diesel truck online, so I'm not at the mercy of a mechanic.

Stung

I want what you have! From where I sit, you appear to have things handled. Good for you, keep doing what you're doing because it's working for you!

Blossom717

I don't think you are missing anything. I think you are just used to the next step being something bad instead of good. (Me too!)

This is a good change, enjoy it and enjoy you!!

amy55

Gotta tell you, before I left, I did most of the home repairs, the painting, changing auger belts on a snow blower. You go to DIY forums for this. I never paid a bill in my life, my ex did that. I got a bank account, got e-bills, and paid them all on line. My credit rating is about 797.

Sometimes you might need help. I bought a foreclosure. I was good with painting, but now I had tongue and groove paneling. Walls and ceilings. So sometimes I needed help. I hired a contractor, and they are my best friends here. I even went to my contractors wedding, ( I was the only customer he invited).

I never lived alone, but now that I am, I wouldn't trade that for anything. All of the new friends that you can meet. All of the new things that you can do. All the things that you were afraid to do, you can now do them !!!!!

I wasn't allowed to hang anything on the walls. Now it's hard for me to find a wall to hang something on. I wanted one stone wall in my house. Now I have many.

I go to flea markets and garage sales, I wasn't allowed before. You wouldn't believe the treasures that you can find there. It's also nice that you can just work this into your routine. My ex would have never allowed "this garbage" in his house. I love it, I just really do.

I have my own wood stove, or should I say 2 of them, and I know how to use them. Had to learn, but I did it. I learned how to "take care" of carpenter bees, I have professional equipment for them. (lol)

When I left I moved into my friends retirement home. They only came up on weekends. I painted their entire house, inside and out. I just didn't want to hear anyone tell me that I can't do something. If I wanted to do, I will do it. No questions asked. My motto became, "Don't tell me I can't". "I will"

This is from someone that has never lived alone.

And if you are sometimes fighting with that remote, stop, put the radio on and just dance for awhile.

PS--- Living alone for the first time in my life at age 55, now 58.

meggem

Thanks everyone