yensid

My H said to be yesterday "today is day 10." Just doing the math now means he drank the day after I caught him and I had no idea.

He is a professional alcoholic. He drinks secretly, squirrels change away to buy vodka nips. He blew a .28 on my breathalyzer and I had no idea he was drinking. Seriously. He's that good.

He said to me yesterday "can we give us 90 days?" I said yes. That seems like a reasonable amount of time to make up my mind about this marriage.

He came to be yesterday morning and gave me a hug and said "let's have a good vacation." And I can tell that he is taking every single opportunity he can to touch me in a very benign way...touching my foot...touching my shoulder etc. (that's one of the things I loved that he did when we first me and I loved it) I have asked for no physical contact til I initiate it. I'm not sure if I should say anything or just let it fuel my fire til I explode at him lol

The fear of never really knowing if he's been drinking doesn't sit with me very well. He says he's been going to meetings and working the program and he's reading his AA book. I can't tell.

GracieLou

One day at a time is for you too. Try to live in the moment, not in yesterday or tomorrow.

It is hard but the easiest way I found to not worry about what he is doing is to...........Not worry about what he is doing. I concentrate my attention on me. I work my program to the best of my ability. I can't control what he does or does not do.

There is always hope and faith. Everything is going to turn out the way it is supposed to, but don't let that distract you from honest reality.

One day at a time. It is not that you HAVE to live that way, it that you get to live that way.

How nice is that to only have to worry about today. Deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

redatlanta

More will be revealed.

Just turn the caution light on and go one with life. I found that lowering my expections to nothing is the only way I could cope. Not disappointed when they are lying and happy if they don't.

Takes a long time to build the trust back up. 10 Days is nothing.

dandylion

yensid....I have heard it often said that you will be able to tell if they are working a serious program...that is, going for genuine recovery and not just sobriety (alone).
That...you can tell by a change in attitude and behavior that is not presented by WORDS.
It is described as a change in focus and a way of "carrying" themselves that is different than before.

I have worked along side of many long-time recovering alcoholics....and, I can say that I have found this to be true. I could "sense" a solidness and honesty and humility about them. Very different than the trash talk that is so often seen in the newbies or the non-recovering.

That has been my experience with this matter...

dandylion

mfanch

Oh, you'll know! He will transform before your very eyes if he is really doing the work.

In the meantime, focus on you and your recovery.

honeypig

Yensid, I absolutely would make this a firm boundary. By allowing him to touch you when you specifically asked him not to do so, you are showing him that it's OK to ignore your wishes and that you don't really mean what you say. I think this is kind of important and am a bit surprised no one else mentioned it. I would feel fairly sure he's not touching you b/c of some sudden resurgence of love and caring, but rather to see what he can get away with, after being specifically told "no."

You can read more about boundaries in the stickies. They are not rules for him but rather what you will do to protect yourself when a certain line is crossed. For instance, "I will not be around you when you've been drinking. If I see that you've been drinking, I am going to spend the night at a motel."

I could certainly be wrong about this, but I do strongly feel that the touching is way more about maintaining control than it is about affection. And that, in a nutshell, would certainly make me question whether it was "for real."

Refiner

I second what honeypig said. I see the touchy-feelie as boundary-crossing / manipulation. But you may sense something different -- we aren't in your shoes.

unsureoffuture

I like the saying "more will be revealed". It will take a long time to rebuild trust in your relationship so don't expect it to happen overnight. He is very very new in his recovery. Try to take things slow and focus in yourself and your own recovery. If he is truly serious about his recovery then you will be able to tell in time. Trust your instincts.

My A is also very deceptive and manipulative. He hides that alcohol all the while "pretending" not to drink. He is very good at it too but my instincts are usually spot on when I feel he might have been drinking. For me that is a deal breaker because I cannot trust him and trust is paramount to a healthy marriage. I should mention he is not in any recovery and refuses to get any help.

Good luck, you are not alone.

yensid

Thank you for your replies! =)
And thank you honeypig for your advice on keeping the touching boundry.
I found it interesting that yesterday morning,very shortly after I posted this, he told me that it was day 11, not 10 and that he had miscounted.
And he asked me how I felt when he gave me a hug the day before.

Coincidence? He said he was reading something in the Big Book that made him ask me.

I think he found me here.

meggem

I like the "more will be revealed" too. And I like people telling you to focus on your own recovery. It's so hard not to watch and think there every single breath and move. I was trapped in that for soooo long I couldn't get out of it. It was maddening. During this 90 days I would also focus on an exit plan. If you don't need it, nothing is lost. If you do, you have it.

I wish I had done that when he was in and got home from rehab. I was still on the fence about whether I was going to stay, but I often daydreamed about leaving and what it could be like (almost like if I had won the lottery--being able to leave felt that so far fetched). I should have put that daydream into hard facts and figures.

Although I had not decided to end the marriage until about 9 months post rehab, I was unhappy resentful, out of love, out of hope, out of giving him a millionth chance.

honeypig

This would make me extremely uncomfortable--I would not want my A to be getting the unfiltered version of what's going on in my recovery, in my thoughts, in my heart.

GracieLou

I agree.

When I was making amends to my mother she admitted going online and searching for my name and email to find if I was posting on message boards so she could read it.

I was pretty upset about this. I was going to confront her later about it but decided to let it go, I wish now that I had not.

That, IMO, is crossing a boundary. You are not going to AA meetings and peeking over his shoulder the whole time. We need time and space. We need the support of others and what we talk about here is not for others to go sneaking on to look at.

IMO it is about manipulation if that is the case. They want to one up you and be prepared with excuses and lies to cover themselves. That is not honesty, it is not working a program, it is deceptive and down right intrusive.

I got a good idea for people that snoop into other lives, how about actually going to that person and asking them how they feel rather than sneaking around like a snake in the grass and taking everything out of context and using it for your own self seeking ways. They want to tuck it away to be used later when they are trying to excuse their behavior.

It just steams my mean! If you want to know something, ask! If you are not asking me directly then I got news for you, you don’t know jack!

Refiner

My Heebie Jeebies Hinky Meter went off big time on this. I think he did, too. No way is that a coincidence in my book. He's doing his homework to say ALL the right things. Be careful, yensid!

Grumble

I think that trust or lack of it is the hardest thing when dealing with a spouse living with a drink problem. You're naturally suspicious, but in my experience that suspicion is usually with good reason - there were not many occasions when my exAW had been dishonest with me and I didn't know it - it was just knowing for sure. And that gets turned back at you because it becomes a game of "I drink because you don't trust me".

My ex wife had fits and starts of sobriety or claimed sobriety. I agree that ten days is nowhere near enough for you to pin your hopes that he will get better.

Trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't right.