Saying "no" makes me a B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Saying "no" makes me a B
So since I've come back home I've seen a change in people. The people I see everyday. To say a little bit about me, and I guess my codependent ways, I'm a doormat. I let people say rude things to me, take advantage of me, you know.
Since I've been on here and reading al-anon material, going to church and going to a few al-anon meetings, I have decided I won't let people do that to me. I'm not sticking up for myself in every instance that I could, but I'm working on it.
Tonight my neighbor ("jokingly") told me that they need to switch my meds because I've changed and I'm becoming a B-----. I told her my meds are fine (I take Prozac and Adderall for depression and ADD) and that part of going to al-anon is me saying no when I don't want to do something, and so on. She told me I should stop going. HA.
I didn't even say anything rude. I was just sitting there with her, ABF and watching the kids playing. ABF was stoned from smoking marijuana (his new "sobriety") and I asked him a question. She said I was ruining his buzz. Pretty sure she'd freak if her husband was high. But you know, i'm the one who should have to deal with an addict, I'm a bad person if I decide I don't want to live like this anymore.
I'm just venting. I think its kind of ironic that the people I've always heard no from are mad when I say no.
I also think that it's ironic because I no longer care, If they don't like me for who I am, why should their opinion matter?
Since I've been on here and reading al-anon material, going to church and going to a few al-anon meetings, I have decided I won't let people do that to me. I'm not sticking up for myself in every instance that I could, but I'm working on it.
Tonight my neighbor ("jokingly") told me that they need to switch my meds because I've changed and I'm becoming a B-----. I told her my meds are fine (I take Prozac and Adderall for depression and ADD) and that part of going to al-anon is me saying no when I don't want to do something, and so on. She told me I should stop going. HA.
I didn't even say anything rude. I was just sitting there with her, ABF and watching the kids playing. ABF was stoned from smoking marijuana (his new "sobriety") and I asked him a question. She said I was ruining his buzz. Pretty sure she'd freak if her husband was high. But you know, i'm the one who should have to deal with an addict, I'm a bad person if I decide I don't want to live like this anymore.
I'm just venting. I think its kind of ironic that the people I've always heard no from are mad when I say no.
I also think that it's ironic because I no longer care, If they don't like me for who I am, why should their opinion matter?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Welcome to the club. Your membership card should be arriving in the mail any day now. 
Seriously though - it IS surprising how crazy other people's reactions are when we decide to get healthy & stop taking their BS. Your neighbor sounds like a piece of work who is very much enjoying sticking her nose into your business.
Seriously though - it IS surprising how crazy other people's reactions are when we decide to get healthy & stop taking their BS. Your neighbor sounds like a piece of work who is very much enjoying sticking her nose into your business.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
When we change, people who do not love us or do not want us to be our best selves become uncomfortable, sometimes threatened. It says a lot more about them than it does about you. This is them showing you who they are; believe them.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
When I am in a stressful situation for a period of time I also become a b***h.
- Lose my sense of humor
- Become overly sensitive
- Very snappy
- Can be mean
Blah blah blah. I don't know if its that this person is not your friend, or if this person just has no idea what you are going through. My husband has always told me I can never fully understand alcoholism or addiction because I am not one - and I agree. In the same respect if someone has not lived with addiction they cannot understand what it is like, they can only make observations from what they are allowed to see. Unless this person wants to move in with you for a couple of weeks she will never get it.
I have been dealing with both parents being very ill for the past year, at the same time opening a business and also dealing with major issues with my business partner. I have to work hard at being nice sometimes rather than annihilate someone who happened upon me on a bad day.
I am not discounting that you are changing for the better as well and its not computing with what others are used to.
- Lose my sense of humor
- Become overly sensitive
- Very snappy
- Can be mean
Blah blah blah. I don't know if its that this person is not your friend, or if this person just has no idea what you are going through. My husband has always told me I can never fully understand alcoholism or addiction because I am not one - and I agree. In the same respect if someone has not lived with addiction they cannot understand what it is like, they can only make observations from what they are allowed to see. Unless this person wants to move in with you for a couple of weeks she will never get it.
I have been dealing with both parents being very ill for the past year, at the same time opening a business and also dealing with major issues with my business partner. I have to work hard at being nice sometimes rather than annihilate someone who happened upon me on a bad day.
I am not discounting that you are changing for the better as well and its not computing with what others are used to.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yeah, Blossom...it sounds like you are growing in self-awareness. I think this brings about more respect for your own value. For me, the two have seemed to be intertwined.
You have always had value...you just probably weren't fully aware of it...
I think you will find that the more you are aware of your own value...you will automatically detach more from those who don't seem to honor it. Healthy attracts healthy.
A truism: If you want to tell where an alcoholic (or addict) is...just tell then "NO"!!!!!!!
dandylion
You have always had value...you just probably weren't fully aware of it...
I think you will find that the more you are aware of your own value...you will automatically detach more from those who don't seem to honor it. Healthy attracts healthy.
A truism: If you want to tell where an alcoholic (or addict) is...just tell then "NO"!!!!!!!
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
When we change, people who do not love us or do not want us to be our best selves become uncomfortable, sometimes threatened. It says a lot more about them than it does about you. This is them showing you who they are; believe them.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I can see it
It is about creating boundaries. This was hard for me to do and it still is. I have given in SO many times and every time I beat myself up over it. I don't trust my own instincts at times. My mind says not to accept something but then my heart overrides it for fear of being alone.
I am working on this! If someone should stop being my friend over something that I won't accept from their behavior then I have to accept that and not give in just to save face. It just brings me down and gives them more leverage next time.
It is about creating boundaries. This was hard for me to do and it still is. I have given in SO many times and every time I beat myself up over it. I don't trust my own instincts at times. My mind says not to accept something but then my heart overrides it for fear of being alone.
I am working on this! If someone should stop being my friend over something that I won't accept from their behavior then I have to accept that and not give in just to save face. It just brings me down and gives them more leverage next time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
He is definitely not sober. Just not drunk...yet. He was so stoned he backed into my car yesterday.....
We leave for the beach when he gets off work today. (I'm off all week)
I'm going to keep myself positive, take some good books and play with my dd. I'm going to make sure that I won't let his brother upset me, or let abf upset me.
Saying no in all it's healthy forms is very liberating. And I am surely figuring out who my friends are. My neighbor doesn't care that I'm miserable. I've ran over to her house many times to get away from abf. She's aware of my circumstances but after seeing him cry last week she has changed her tune.
I'll just think of it this way....she can take care of him.
We leave for the beach when he gets off work today. (I'm off all week)
I'm going to keep myself positive, take some good books and play with my dd. I'm going to make sure that I won't let his brother upset me, or let abf upset me.
Saying no in all it's healthy forms is very liberating. And I am surely figuring out who my friends are. My neighbor doesn't care that I'm miserable. I've ran over to her house many times to get away from abf. She's aware of my circumstances but after seeing him cry last week she has changed her tune.
I'll just think of it this way....she can take care of him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Ahhh, the "B.!.T.C.H. CLUB" (Babe in total control of herself)
Now why is it that when a man says "NO" or stands up for himself he is called ASSERTIVE ?
New synonym for b!tch ------ assertive
I think you did real good !!!!!!
Now why is it that when a man says "NO" or stands up for himself he is called ASSERTIVE ?
New synonym for b!tch ------ assertive
I think you did real good !!!!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Try not to have too many expectations around this vacation. I know, no advice, but this whole situation makes me twitchy, and I'm not even living it!
My XAH used to get really entitled about needing and wanting "down time" and "fun time" which for him was code for "a drink or twelve." I knew as soon as vacation time came around, or as soon as he started whining about all his responsibilities and what a slave driver I was for wanting him to help out around the house, work, and be relatively sober most of the time, that a big bender was on the horizon.
Folks here call it budding. BUD: Building Up to Drink. Finding a good target to drink AT -- i.e. the family, the wife/husband, the boss, the parents, the job, the kids, the unfairness of it all -- is part of the disease. Making you the big mean ol' bitch scapegoat, that's part of the "family system." I know that when I started finding real recovery, these systems and how everyone fits into them became pretty plain to me, and I could choose not to engage or listen to the messages that the sick system spits out in the name of disease and dysfunction.
^^^ This, 100 times.
My XAH used to get really entitled about needing and wanting "down time" and "fun time" which for him was code for "a drink or twelve." I knew as soon as vacation time came around, or as soon as he started whining about all his responsibilities and what a slave driver I was for wanting him to help out around the house, work, and be relatively sober most of the time, that a big bender was on the horizon.
Folks here call it budding. BUD: Building Up to Drink. Finding a good target to drink AT -- i.e. the family, the wife/husband, the boss, the parents, the job, the kids, the unfairness of it all -- is part of the disease. Making you the big mean ol' bitch scapegoat, that's part of the "family system." I know that when I started finding real recovery, these systems and how everyone fits into them became pretty plain to me, and I could choose not to engage or listen to the messages that the sick system spits out in the name of disease and dysfunction.
When we change, people who do not love us or do not want us to be our best selves become uncomfortable, sometimes threatened. It says a lot more about them than it does about you. This is them showing you who they are; believe them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
You know, if there is a silver lining in living with an addict and surviving,
it's that you do learn how to take care of yourself if you manage to get out of the situation.
Some people just don't like to see you change because they no longer are "better" or
"better off" than you and your situation ceases to become their own personal Lifetime Movie.
That's what seems to be happening with your "friend" who prefers you as a doormat.
I just let all of those people fall out of my life and took it as a growth opportunity.
You are changing, they are not. That's their choice as growth is yours.
I also am with Florence. Not loving the idea of you taking this holiday with his family,
but I'm assuming you have a Plan B if he starts drinking again or things get out of hand?
Stoned is not sober. Nothing's really changed, has it?
it's that you do learn how to take care of yourself if you manage to get out of the situation.
Some people just don't like to see you change because they no longer are "better" or
"better off" than you and your situation ceases to become their own personal Lifetime Movie.
That's what seems to be happening with your "friend" who prefers you as a doormat.
I just let all of those people fall out of my life and took it as a growth opportunity.
You are changing, they are not. That's their choice as growth is yours.
I also am with Florence. Not loving the idea of you taking this holiday with his family,
but I'm assuming you have a Plan B if he starts drinking again or things get out of hand?
Stoned is not sober. Nothing's really changed, has it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
I don't have any expectations for them on this vacation. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to drink.
Luckily my brother will be vacationing about an hour away, my best friend will be at the beach about 2 hours away, and my other friends mom lives on the same NC island we will be on, so I have options if things get out of hand.
Thank you for advice/caring , I take no offense to any advice, if it weren't for advice from many of you I wouldn't have gotten this far!
Luckily my brother will be vacationing about an hour away, my best friend will be at the beach about 2 hours away, and my other friends mom lives on the same NC island we will be on, so I have options if things get out of hand.
Thank you for advice/caring , I take no offense to any advice, if it weren't for advice from many of you I wouldn't have gotten this far!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Your neighbor's the one who sounds like a B. How rude. I wouldn't even bother hanging out with her anymore. I have a friend who has often subtly (sometimes overtly) cuts me down. She did it for the last time the other night. I can't be close to her anymore and have been distancing myself for a while, but for some reason I was able to see it much more clearly recently. I'm not a doormat type but for some reason I have always wanted her approval. Now I see that I am waaaay ahead of her in self-awareness, and that her approval truly means nothing to me.
I don't need people in my life who bring me down. Period.
Have fun on your trip! xoxoxo
I don't need people in my life who bring me down. Period.
Have fun on your trip! xoxoxo
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