i'm scared to stop but know i need to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: new york
Posts: 25
i'm scared to stop but know i need to.
hi, internet. i have a serious drinking problem and i need to stop but i'm afraid.
i've always been a heavy drinker and drawn some sort of pride from my habits - being "one of the boys" as a pretty girl who orders whiskey neat at the bar and being a sort of sassy sarcastic party girl, like as if being a drunk was some charming part of my personality - but it's really getting out of control lately.
for about the past 2-3 months i've gone from an intermittent social heavy-but-very-responsible drinker to a person drinking right from the bottle of bourbon first thing in the morning and sneaking sips all day before polishing off the rest of the fifth once i'm home from work. i'm falling behind in work, i've gained ten pounds despite eating less than a meal a day but drinking thousands of calories, and my relationships are all suffering. i'm depressed as hell and know the drinking is making it worse but i have so much trouble trying to not numb myself constantly. i am a 28 year old woman with an ivy league degree and an enviable job living in new york, i have wonderful friends and have started dating someone amazing and i know i should be happy and functional but i can't seem to stop running myself into the ground with booze. i'm afraid to ask my shrink for help - i have mild depression and severe anxiety - because i'm afraid to admit this is really a problem.
i feel nervous about AA because i am not a particularly spiritual person and don't respond well to that; i've googled endless harm-reduction techniques and think the best decision is to taper off over the next week or so but i'm scared to do that alone and nobody i know knows how much i actually drink. I'm prescribed Klonopin for anxiety problems (I avoid taking it when drinking) and as that's a benzo like Librium or Valium i figure that will also help with any withdrawal and should be part of my trying to taper off, but i'm still so scared to start - i've been slightly drunk for so long now that i'm afraid of what it's like to be sober. i don't remember the last time i fell asleep naturally without drinking myself into oblivion first.
any words of support, advice, or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. i'm seriously laying on my sofa crying over a bottle of vodka right now and feel so ******* pathetic and alone but i'm so grateful that i can even confess this anonymously. i don't know what to do and i feel so afraid and alone.
i've always been a heavy drinker and drawn some sort of pride from my habits - being "one of the boys" as a pretty girl who orders whiskey neat at the bar and being a sort of sassy sarcastic party girl, like as if being a drunk was some charming part of my personality - but it's really getting out of control lately.
for about the past 2-3 months i've gone from an intermittent social heavy-but-very-responsible drinker to a person drinking right from the bottle of bourbon first thing in the morning and sneaking sips all day before polishing off the rest of the fifth once i'm home from work. i'm falling behind in work, i've gained ten pounds despite eating less than a meal a day but drinking thousands of calories, and my relationships are all suffering. i'm depressed as hell and know the drinking is making it worse but i have so much trouble trying to not numb myself constantly. i am a 28 year old woman with an ivy league degree and an enviable job living in new york, i have wonderful friends and have started dating someone amazing and i know i should be happy and functional but i can't seem to stop running myself into the ground with booze. i'm afraid to ask my shrink for help - i have mild depression and severe anxiety - because i'm afraid to admit this is really a problem.
i feel nervous about AA because i am not a particularly spiritual person and don't respond well to that; i've googled endless harm-reduction techniques and think the best decision is to taper off over the next week or so but i'm scared to do that alone and nobody i know knows how much i actually drink. I'm prescribed Klonopin for anxiety problems (I avoid taking it when drinking) and as that's a benzo like Librium or Valium i figure that will also help with any withdrawal and should be part of my trying to taper off, but i'm still so scared to start - i've been slightly drunk for so long now that i'm afraid of what it's like to be sober. i don't remember the last time i fell asleep naturally without drinking myself into oblivion first.
any words of support, advice, or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. i'm seriously laying on my sofa crying over a bottle of vodka right now and feel so ******* pathetic and alone but i'm so grateful that i can even confess this anonymously. i don't know what to do and i feel so afraid and alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Hi Megan,
I can relate to so much and your story. I am a few years older than you. I wish I would've stopped at 28. I can relate to the feeling of not remembering the last time I went to sleep without being drunk. I'm on day 25 and although the sleep has been a challenge it is so much better than waking up with a hangover. I didn't realize it at the time but looking back even if I wasn't what I would call terribly hung over I was living my life in a fog. Even if by some miracle I had let's say two or four beers and woke up thinking gosh I feel pretty good. Nope, I did not feel good. I felt like warmed up ****
I drink like you do where the amount kept escalating. I remember being in shock so many nights that I would've finished about three quarters of a fifth of vodka and would think to myself gosh I don't feel very buzzed. It only keeps getting worse so I hope you can stop at 28 and not wait till 30 to like me.
The past 25 days have been the hardest 25 days of my life. My knuckles are probably permanently white from getting through the cravings and anxiousness. But they have also been the most rewarding 25 days I have had in the past 10 years. I am no longer hung over every day, I no longer have a headache every day. My face no longer looks like I was beat up when I wake up. I no longer binge on food every day to try and cure the hangover. I don't have to drink a 2 L of water in order to urinate for the first time in the day. It's been hard but it's worth it.
You don't have to publicly declare that you are an alcoholic. Maybe you don't even subscribe to this term. I have never said it out loud myself but I know that I am. Nobody in my life knows exactly what I've done the past 25 days. All they know is that I stopped drinking. Some people have been surprised, some not. Some have been relieved. So don't be afraid of making some big public announcement. You can do this on your own with help from this website. I don't know if I could have made it without the help and support of the wonderful people on here.
It sounds to me like you're ready to stop drinking. I know this is very scary. I asked myself what will I do on Christmas? What will I do on new years eve? What if I go on a cruise ship in five years? What about when I turn 50? If I could tell you the most important thing just stay in the day. In the moment. It almost gives me an anxiety attack, even now, when I think of the future like a future trip to Las Vegas. Just for today. Just for today do not drink tomorrow do the same.
For me to finally stop I had to get to the point where I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I truly do not think that person can understand this concept until you have drank yourself to hell and back. The suffering doesn't have to continue. And really alcohol didn't add anything to my life anymore. It was just taking away my life and killing me. It really does get better and easier. You can be done today if you want to.
I can relate to so much and your story. I am a few years older than you. I wish I would've stopped at 28. I can relate to the feeling of not remembering the last time I went to sleep without being drunk. I'm on day 25 and although the sleep has been a challenge it is so much better than waking up with a hangover. I didn't realize it at the time but looking back even if I wasn't what I would call terribly hung over I was living my life in a fog. Even if by some miracle I had let's say two or four beers and woke up thinking gosh I feel pretty good. Nope, I did not feel good. I felt like warmed up ****
I drink like you do where the amount kept escalating. I remember being in shock so many nights that I would've finished about three quarters of a fifth of vodka and would think to myself gosh I don't feel very buzzed. It only keeps getting worse so I hope you can stop at 28 and not wait till 30 to like me.
The past 25 days have been the hardest 25 days of my life. My knuckles are probably permanently white from getting through the cravings and anxiousness. But they have also been the most rewarding 25 days I have had in the past 10 years. I am no longer hung over every day, I no longer have a headache every day. My face no longer looks like I was beat up when I wake up. I no longer binge on food every day to try and cure the hangover. I don't have to drink a 2 L of water in order to urinate for the first time in the day. It's been hard but it's worth it.
You don't have to publicly declare that you are an alcoholic. Maybe you don't even subscribe to this term. I have never said it out loud myself but I know that I am. Nobody in my life knows exactly what I've done the past 25 days. All they know is that I stopped drinking. Some people have been surprised, some not. Some have been relieved. So don't be afraid of making some big public announcement. You can do this on your own with help from this website. I don't know if I could have made it without the help and support of the wonderful people on here.
It sounds to me like you're ready to stop drinking. I know this is very scary. I asked myself what will I do on Christmas? What will I do on new years eve? What if I go on a cruise ship in five years? What about when I turn 50? If I could tell you the most important thing just stay in the day. In the moment. It almost gives me an anxiety attack, even now, when I think of the future like a future trip to Las Vegas. Just for today. Just for today do not drink tomorrow do the same.
For me to finally stop I had to get to the point where I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I truly do not think that person can understand this concept until you have drank yourself to hell and back. The suffering doesn't have to continue. And really alcohol didn't add anything to my life anymore. It was just taking away my life and killing me. It really does get better and easier. You can be done today if you want to.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Welcome Megan!
I'm glad you found us and reached out for some help. You're among people who understand. I had no one to confide in until I came here. Friends & family were all social drinkers who didn't understand why I couldn't have 'just one'. When I joined SR I felt my anxiety lessen greatly. I hope you'll feel the same. You can do this Megan.
I'm glad you found us and reached out for some help. You're among people who understand. I had no one to confide in until I came here. Friends & family were all social drinkers who didn't understand why I couldn't have 'just one'. When I joined SR I felt my anxiety lessen greatly. I hope you'll feel the same. You can do this Megan.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
Yep, I get it, Megan. Quitting was scary for me too, but once I took that step I felt so much free-er and hopeful. I, too, wish I had quit when I was 28.
Hang in there, friend. Keep posting and reading. It can be done.
Hang in there, friend. Keep posting and reading. It can be done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: new york
Posts: 25
thank you so much for all of your kind words already. i feel so ashamed and like such a freakin' weirdo and like it's almost TOO easy to hide and like i could never admit this was getting out of control because nobody would understand....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Calgary
Posts: 5
Hi, I'm in the same boat as you. I'm scared as hell to give up alcohol, I'm so used to drinking that seeing life without it givese anxitey. I have quit alcohol so many times but as soon as I get to 30 days I hit bottom hard. You really do half to pull all the strength in your body to fight the urges, it's not easy... But you CAN do this... Best of luck !!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey Megan, welcome to the Forum!! 
I had to learn how to be Sober, it's not something that came easy as I drank almost every day for years, I had forgotten what it was like before alcohol came into my life, and my body needed time to adjust to not having it when I finally stopped, so all those fears you have are understandable.
SR is full of people that understand those same feelings, you'll find loads of support here to lean on!!
I had to learn how to be Sober, it's not something that came easy as I drank almost every day for years, I had forgotten what it was like before alcohol came into my life, and my body needed time to adjust to not having it when I finally stopped, so all those fears you have are understandable.
SR is full of people that understand those same feelings, you'll find loads of support here to lean on!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
It is the alcohol and the addiction that also creates the fear. I quit other things that were bad for me: red meat, Diet Cokes, etc. with barely any effort and certainly not fear. That is when I realized what an addiction that I had to alcohol and how important it was for me to quit.
You can do this. With everything else you have achieved in life, you owe it to yourself to not let alcohol take you down. I am almost ten months sober and it is the best decision that I have ever made in my life, I only wish that I had done it at your age. We are here for you.
You can do this. With everything else you have achieved in life, you owe it to yourself to not let alcohol take you down. I am almost ten months sober and it is the best decision that I have ever made in my life, I only wish that I had done it at your age. We are here for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi and welcome Megan
There's certainly no good to come from staying on the road - trust me. It gets worse.
Coming here is a great start - yeah it is scary - but you'll find support and understanding here - you're not alone
if you have any doubts fears or concerns about withdrawal please do see your Dr - it really is worth it to get some professional advice
D
There's certainly no good to come from staying on the road - trust me. It gets worse.
Coming here is a great start - yeah it is scary - but you'll find support and understanding here - you're not alone
if you have any doubts fears or concerns about withdrawal please do see your Dr - it really is worth it to get some professional advice
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Do check out our Class of July support thread too
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-2-a-8.html
D
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-2-a-8.html
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 28
Hi Megan.
I am only a couple days into my sobriety. I too am scared and anxious but I know the reward in the coming hours, days, months and years are worth it. Imagine how great it will feel to not carry the guilt and embarrassment on your shoulders anymore. Only great things can come from sobriety. I have learned already that the support here is huge! I have spent more time here in 2 days than I do in a week on facebook lol. Embrace it! This is the beginning of a sober and happy you!
I am only a couple days into my sobriety. I too am scared and anxious but I know the reward in the coming hours, days, months and years are worth it. Imagine how great it will feel to not carry the guilt and embarrassment on your shoulders anymore. Only great things can come from sobriety. I have learned already that the support here is huge! I have spent more time here in 2 days than I do in a week on facebook lol. Embrace it! This is the beginning of a sober and happy you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Hi Megan, my drinking started to become a problem at your age. I got a great job in finance after college at age 24. I was young, single, and had money for once. I was hitting the bars/nightclubs 3-4 times a week. Things slowly changed though. I needed more and more to get that drunk feeling and started noticing how by the time everyone else was on their 2nd drink, I was on my 4th.
My hangovers got worse and I was getting crippling anxiety the day after a bender. I started to drink on my usual 'rest days' to escape the anxiety because at this point I was getting very drunk and doing stupid, embarrassing things that I regretted the next day. Soon, I was stopping off at the liqour store everyday after work and I was drinking 7 days a week.
I was 28 at his point. I wish I had gotten help at this moment. Within the next 5 years, I got a DUI, I lost my job, I got evicted, I declared bankruptcy, lost my girlfriend, and had multiple hospitalizations. I entered rehab at 34 but have been unable to get a job in any field that requires a background check. I am 37 now, sober, but struggling to put my life back together.
Heed my advice and reach out for help. Your company most likely will pay for you to go to rehab. I isolated myself and tried to hide my problems, look where that got me.
My hangovers got worse and I was getting crippling anxiety the day after a bender. I started to drink on my usual 'rest days' to escape the anxiety because at this point I was getting very drunk and doing stupid, embarrassing things that I regretted the next day. Soon, I was stopping off at the liqour store everyday after work and I was drinking 7 days a week.
I was 28 at his point. I wish I had gotten help at this moment. Within the next 5 years, I got a DUI, I lost my job, I got evicted, I declared bankruptcy, lost my girlfriend, and had multiple hospitalizations. I entered rehab at 34 but have been unable to get a job in any field that requires a background check. I am 37 now, sober, but struggling to put my life back together.
Heed my advice and reach out for help. Your company most likely will pay for you to go to rehab. I isolated myself and tried to hide my problems, look where that got me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 207
It sounds like you've accomplished quite a bit in your life. You surely have enough self respect to give sobriety a chance, I would think. You will be ok without alcohol. I don't buy into this notion that we should be fearful without our precious alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 207
Not only will you be ok, but after a while you find sobriety easier. Everyone says that it's easier to keep drinking, but I have found that to be false, because drinking really led me to exhaustion and life was harder for me as a drunk.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
It's not dumb, Megan. Most of us caught up in alcoholism, have no idea how we will manage without alcohol. I was very scared and put it off for far too long. In the end, I was losing my health and my relationships and I had to take the leap of faith. It wasn't easy, but it's so worth it.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Megan - welcome aboard. One thing I have learned is alcohol does not discriminate. At your age, I was also very well educated with what many would consider to be an "enviable" white collar job making big money in NYC. That was the first job (sadly not the last) that alcohol took from me. It is good that you are trying to address the problem now because between 28 and 33 (my current age), things got significantly worse for me because I continued my crazy drinking. You don't want to go down that road, you can stop if you put in the work.
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