jarp

Ah has asked me to visit him in detox on Thursday to talk about what we do from here. He wants to come home.

I have a million thoughts swirling around in my head.

I KNOW those who have walked this path before me are going to say DON'T DO IT. That he can prove himself and work his program in a place where his only focus is himself. That recovery can be an even more horrendous time than the drunken days.

If he's not in recovery there is no chance. On that I am 100% clear.

But tbh I never thought he'd get this far so I've been working on the premise that this is it. In the past I've thought I'd want to stay together if he was sober. But the he'd remain a drunk. So my brain has only thought at those two extremes. I never thought he'd actually attempt to get sober, let alone try for recovery so I haven't got my head around what I want in this interim. Which I know could last for years.

We'll have to talk but if I'm undecided I'll crumble in front of him. I need strength and for me strength comes from me knowing where I am headed and what I want...as well as being sure that what I want is 'right'.

I'm not sure I even want to be with him. I've been ok without him. More than ok actually.

But he sounded so much like his 'old' self tonight. I know actions speak. I know time will reveal what needs to be revealed. But what do I do?

Our son is missing him. He's missing us apparently. I feel like I am obligated to letting him try. Do I try this with firm boundaries? I know what those boundaries are.

I'm terrified of making the wrong decision. Kids first. Him second. Well actually ME second. But I want to give him a true shot at recovery. I know he us going to do that (or not), with or without me. But he doesn't know that...and that worries me.

I can't handle the madness anymore. I can't handle his sh*t. Have I really accepted that this IS who he is...not that person I miss ??

I wish I knew what to do.

hopeful4

Why does he need to live with you for him to be sober? I guess my thing would be that he has chosen to try this, good. However, you don't have to live together for that to happen.

Only you can decide. We will support you no matter what.

FireSprite

Jarp - How long has he been in the program at this point & how much further does he have before he is finished? Does the facility do any kind of family counseling sessions where you could get a bit more of a baby-step into this next discussion? Or maybe just a structured family day/time in any way?

IDK how these things work with detox & I know that it's very different than rehab, so I'm trying to understand where you all are at "in the process".

Hawkeye13

He already wants to leave detox without going into?

What does that say about his long term commitment to sobriety?

How will leaving, moving back in with you and kids, "help" him recover any better than a treatment facility and concentrated time alone to deal with the underlying issues beyond and including the alcoholism?

What kind of stability will having a freshly recovering addict in their home offer your kids?

Of course we will support you whatever you choose, but these are a few of the elephants stomping around the room that I see right off.

His recovery is his to manage, not yours. What do you really want / need right now?

Taking5

Please clarify, is he in detox or rehab? Do you understand the difference between detox and rehab? And how long has he been there?

Hawkeye13

oops, typo for me in last entry.

Should read "he wants to leave detox without going into rehab?"

dandylion

Jarp...I would suggest that you go to the search button on the blue bar at the top of this page......and type in "10 ways to tell when an addict or alcoholic is full of crap".

This article is very informative and I think will help you.

I would also suggest that yo go back and read the post that you made when he went into the hospital.

Sometimes our hope overides the memories of worst events.

dandylion
..

Refiner

No way. He's not even detoxed yet let alone rehabbed. He's still quacking, Jarp!

jarp

Yep he's in detox 5 days in. Another 2-5 to go. They've said he is close to 'done' because on the scale of things he is one that required the 7 days as opposed to 10. There's been no counselling or planning about what to do next. So he's not even really started his journey.

He's seeing his psych on his release to plan 'what next'. They are looking at inpatient or outpatient rehab for him. Plus family therapy.

He thinks being home whilst he waits for a rehab bed, or being home whilst doing outpatient will help him. He thinks living on his own will further drive his depression, which will hinder recovery.

We only had a short conversation, he wants me to visit so we can talk fully about it.

I guess I'll go hear what he has to say. But I am going to write down what I need to say. When I work that out.

I clearly hear quacking - he's minimising. I'm sure there are others 'worse' than him. His recovery is his. Mine is mine. As is my choice to be around him.

Thumper

Do you have a feel for what is best for you with regards to living with him or apart at this time?

Answering that question and walking towards that truth will always keep you on the right path. And that is true for any choice you make.

Ultimately I chose to leave and my heart and soul made that choice long before I actually left. With hindsight I see that listening to my own inner voice/gut feelings and disregarding the army of other voices in my head was one of the biggest gifts and turning points in my own recovery. I can also see that staying married out of obligation/fear/stubbornness/whatever it was and all the resentment and lack of love and respect was not doing him any favors, no matter how much his alcoholic brain begged for it. It was actually a really bad thing to do to him, or anyone, and the opposite of kind and I regret it on many levels.

jarp

Thanks everyone. Fr ME I think being apart is better. A part of what is good for ME is knowing I am doing the right thing by the kids. So I know having him not here whilst he's an active alcoholic is not right. I never thought he'd try for recovery in a million years...he's always been adamant that he won't. So now he is I am torn about how to support him in that FOR the sake of our son....together or apart I'd like him to have a functioning father.

Hawkeye13

I guess I still don't see that a week in detox is a serious bid for recovery.

Didn't he only go because you wouldn't let him back in the door even when he showed up with his bags crying?

If you let him in the door, why do you think he would leave again to do an inpatient treatment?
The only leverage you've really had was kicking him out and telling him to get sober,
so giving that up before he does more than detox seems self-defeating.

However, you are the one who knows him and maybe I'm missing many elements here.
Things sounded absolutely awful with the suicide threats etc.
and just hoping you or your son don't have to deal with that kind of thing if he doesn't actively seek recovery
if he gets what he wants (coming home) without it.

It's a very difficult situation, I agree. Hugs to you

Carlotta

Aside from whining that he wants to go home, does he have a plan for recovery? Is he showing some true commitment or is he just groveling and telling you what he thinks you want to hear?
Good luck getting him to rehab once he is home. He ll probably promise you the moon then do as he pleases after a few weeks, months at most.
Remember actions speak louder than words.

jarp

I guess that is what he wants to talk to me about...what next. We only had a short conversation and obviously there is a LOT to talk about so I can even start to get a sense of what he would like to achieve....recovery or not. He did say he heads from detox to his psych to work out 'the plan'...but that before detox the in or outpatient rehab is what had been discussed.

It could by well be that he thinks detox is enough...I really don't know what he thinks. What I am hoping to do is get clear in my mind about what I WANT and NEED, before we have this conversation so that I can be firm....I know if I don't sort this in my mind them I am likely to give in to the 'whining' ( and that is what it is).

Anything less than 'I am headed to the psych, I want rehab, I want recovery, I am open to finding out what process that is for ME, I want to live and be healthy' for me means he's not coming home.

But if he DOES say all that (and in the 7 years I've been with him I have never, ever heard him once say he wants to give up drinking) then I am unsure what to do next. He spouts all kind of quackery....almost every stereotypical alcoholic quack you can think of......but not once has he claimed he wants to get sober, be recovered, put down a drink.....nothing. So this would be a new quack for him.....which is why I am inclined to take that first possible quack at face value. And wait for more to be revealed. Ideally actions .

I need to go reread my posts. Yes the suicide threats were HELL. No I am not putting the kids through ME living through that again.

I know myself - I know I don't have all the answers the minute I hear the question....and I want to use the next couple of days wisely.

Thanks for all the input. It's not always easy to read...but I'm one of those for whom tough love does work!!!! So thank you.

Santa

The thing is jarp that he might mean all that he says right now. But the fact is that he does not have the tools yet to back up his words. He likely does not even realize that he doesn't have the tools and skills to get sober, and moving home isn't a tool or a skill.

My ex promised me many, many times over the years that he would stop drinking (in between times when he declared himself cured, a social drinker, and said he would never stop). Sometimes he managed to not drink for months, at one point well over a year. But he never gave up wanting to drink. He was white knuckling his way through - that's not real sobriety. Your H will *not* be able to come home now and be cured simply because that's what he wants to happen. He doesn't know what he doesn't know yet.

BlueChair

I think you should visit him in the detox, meet with his doctors and get involved in family counseling with him. My husband just passed the one year mark and we have been partners in recovery. His doctors called us a team, but then I knew I wanted to be with him still, have him come home. I also saw a counselor on my own ( in addition to the family counseling) and it was very helpful. Ive had a lot of emotions to work through this past year, but it would not have been as successful without including him, and working with him. Why are you afraid? For me, its better to face it as a family and deal with it than to avoid, hide, put on hold. If his doctors are good, they will help you both get through this. Have to also say, hes only in detox right now, take it slow and dont expect all the answers at this point from him, or yourself. They will come in time if you both work at it.

redatlanta

This made me laugh although its not really funny. 5 days in dtox and already giving contingencies about how YOU need help him not "drive his depression" further?

If AH can't make it a day or two or a couple on his own that ship has sailed. He has a lot to prove to you and your family besides 5 measly days.

jarp

Yes you are so right. I actually said that to him.

It kinda is funny when I read it back.

FireSprite

I gotta tell you jarp - I don't hear sincerity about recovery here either.... I hear Fear. And I wonder, after going back & re-reading some of your older posts, if you don't agree to his terms & he doesn't get his way, if Anger will the next, fast rising emotion.

It sounds like you are pretty clear about what is important to you right now though & that's what you want to focus on. Honestly, after re-reading, I don't think there's any way I'd want him to come right home after only 5 days of detox. He's had some pretty scary & dramatic events in the last year.

jarp

I'm not sure if he's sincere or not....I have to wait to talk to him as it was literally a 10 min conversation. But I can easily imagine that fear is driving a lot of this. He also holds a lot of anger. He only expresses it drunk. That's why I want to have this conversation now as he's in lock down.

But yes I did the same (reading posts), I am really tempted to print them out and give them to him. I don't for one minute think 5-10 days in detox is going to do anything other than dry him out at this moment. And the past year has been scary.