Day-6 - Made it through the weekend
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 81
Day-6 - Made it through the weekend
Hey Everyone,
I just wanted to write a little about this weekend, what I experienced and I hope that's okay to share that here.
On Friday I was dreading the then coming two days, as I knew that this would involve me spending relatively long periods of time with little distraction. You see, Monday to Friday I work in an office and this helps me to keep my mind busy and not thinking too much about getting high etc.
At various points, on both days at the weekend, I felt all kinds of miserable. Depressed, emotionally flat, joyless and irritable. Proper full scale anhedonia. Most of my time was spent swapping between the sofa, the bed and the sun lounger in the garden. I did not want to read, did not want to go for a walk, did not want to do anything except rest, sleep and feel sorry for myself.
I got through Saturday one lonnng hour at a time and then on Sunday afternoon I noticed my mind was beginning to give thought to going out to the kitchen cupboard and looking for some Dihydrocodeine to ease my anguish. I watched as my mind craved for it, craved for something, for some way, anyway, to alter my mind state and feelings. I noticed that my mind was acting out of habit and years and years of conditioning that when I don't feel good (or even if I do) swallowing, smoking or snorting something would give me a quick and semi-reliable 'fix'.
Late Sunday afternoon, I was laid on the sun lounger in the garden watching the clouds and the sky. It's hot here at the moment (UK) and so there was a bright blue sky, barely any breeze and tiny white clouds slowwwwwly floating by. Something occurred to me as I lay there restless and suffering and for a long while after my cravings stopped. I realised that the things I craved were no kind of solution at all to my mental anguish. One by one I mentally worked through my drugs of choice and this is what I realised;
Cocaine - Makes me happy-ish for a few hours. Talkative, everything seems more lively, more exciting. As a typical cocaine binge evening wears on, I grow more introverted, feelings of guilt come and insidious dread about how low I will feel the following day.
Opiate PainKillers - They whisper to me about an ocean of bliss that awaits if I just swallow some tablets. Then I remember how the day after a particularly high dose, I am IRRITABLE. Proper moody, uncommunicative and a pain in the ass to my family.
Cannabis - Makes me enjoy music, food, films, gaming and conversation much more. Also makes me paranoid, tired and truly warps my thinking.
As I reflected on my supposed drug friends, I became keenly aware that everyone of them was no real friend of mine. Obvious right? But, I don't know, something sort of clicked and I thought, "why am I wanting this ****, it's no good for me and will NOT make me feel any better. OK, maybe for a few hours but then I have to pay the price". It hit me quite hard, I stopped craving and felt some measure of peace.
Another thing that really helped is knowing you guys and gals are out there, battling the same battle I am. I did not feel so alone with my problems and just knowing I can come here to learn, share and belong made me feel...stronger, ya know?
So thanks. For reading and for being there. One day at a time eh?
Cheers, FC
I just wanted to write a little about this weekend, what I experienced and I hope that's okay to share that here.
On Friday I was dreading the then coming two days, as I knew that this would involve me spending relatively long periods of time with little distraction. You see, Monday to Friday I work in an office and this helps me to keep my mind busy and not thinking too much about getting high etc.
At various points, on both days at the weekend, I felt all kinds of miserable. Depressed, emotionally flat, joyless and irritable. Proper full scale anhedonia. Most of my time was spent swapping between the sofa, the bed and the sun lounger in the garden. I did not want to read, did not want to go for a walk, did not want to do anything except rest, sleep and feel sorry for myself.
I got through Saturday one lonnng hour at a time and then on Sunday afternoon I noticed my mind was beginning to give thought to going out to the kitchen cupboard and looking for some Dihydrocodeine to ease my anguish. I watched as my mind craved for it, craved for something, for some way, anyway, to alter my mind state and feelings. I noticed that my mind was acting out of habit and years and years of conditioning that when I don't feel good (or even if I do) swallowing, smoking or snorting something would give me a quick and semi-reliable 'fix'.
Late Sunday afternoon, I was laid on the sun lounger in the garden watching the clouds and the sky. It's hot here at the moment (UK) and so there was a bright blue sky, barely any breeze and tiny white clouds slowwwwwly floating by. Something occurred to me as I lay there restless and suffering and for a long while after my cravings stopped. I realised that the things I craved were no kind of solution at all to my mental anguish. One by one I mentally worked through my drugs of choice and this is what I realised;
Cocaine - Makes me happy-ish for a few hours. Talkative, everything seems more lively, more exciting. As a typical cocaine binge evening wears on, I grow more introverted, feelings of guilt come and insidious dread about how low I will feel the following day.
Opiate PainKillers - They whisper to me about an ocean of bliss that awaits if I just swallow some tablets. Then I remember how the day after a particularly high dose, I am IRRITABLE. Proper moody, uncommunicative and a pain in the ass to my family.
Cannabis - Makes me enjoy music, food, films, gaming and conversation much more. Also makes me paranoid, tired and truly warps my thinking.
As I reflected on my supposed drug friends, I became keenly aware that everyone of them was no real friend of mine. Obvious right? But, I don't know, something sort of clicked and I thought, "why am I wanting this ****, it's no good for me and will NOT make me feel any better. OK, maybe for a few hours but then I have to pay the price". It hit me quite hard, I stopped craving and felt some measure of peace.
Another thing that really helped is knowing you guys and gals are out there, battling the same battle I am. I did not feel so alone with my problems and just knowing I can come here to learn, share and belong made me feel...stronger, ya know?
So thanks. For reading and for being there. One day at a time eh?
Cheers, FC
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Great work FC, you are making excellent progress and decisions. It does get easier and getting through a weekend really helps build confidence. Don't forget to lean on us here too if you need it!
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