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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: London
Posts: 1
New to this
Hi everyone
I'm not sure where to start really, but having had a read through some of the threads on here I'm sure this is a good place to come to get support.
My mother and stepfather are alcoholics, and my mum is also dependent on painkillers. They are in their 60s and are so frail they could be 20 years older, my mum in particular.
My stepfather sometimes admits he has a problem, mum never has and i suspect never will. it's all his fault, he's the drinker, she could stop any time she wants. She used to be a nurse and got fired for stealing painkillers, but has never admitted it to us, we only found out because we read about a hearing she had to attend in the local paper! She had a terrible childhood herself and has a victim mentality like you wouldn't believe. I've had dreadful self esteem and anxiety issues and have only just really turned a corner in the last few years.
I live 400 miles away so luckily don't have to deal with the day to day **** (got out a few years ago when i could tell i wasn't coping), but my brother and sister live nearby and get sucked in regularly.
It's obvious they aren't coping, they are now in and out of hospital regularly (god knows what it's for actually as they don't tell us anythign useful), but we suspect they don't look after themselves, get dehydrated and malnourished, stop drinking, suffer withdrawal, collapse, go to hospital, dry out, come home, rinse and repeat. They are unwelling to accept help from social services and my siblings can only do so much. My brother has a young family of his own and my sister is finishing at university - they should be focussing on their own lives.
Of course i feel huge guilt at being so far away. I have a 10 month old baby and just want to focus on my family. I'm getting married in September and i'd be very surprised if either of them came. Which makes me feel sad, angry and indifferent in equal measures. I don't want to waste my precious free time seeing two people who clearly don't give a **** about their family, but at the same time i feel terrible about thinking that way.
We're at the stage now where something has to change. Their houise is very isolated and neither of them drive any more so can't get groceries very easily. It's all just falling apart and to be honest we're all jsut waiting for the phone call to say the've burnt the house down from smoking, or just died or killed themselves.
Anyway i just had to get this off my chest as it's eating all of us up. Just venting to people who understand has made me feel a lot better already!
I'm not sure where to start really, but having had a read through some of the threads on here I'm sure this is a good place to come to get support.
My mother and stepfather are alcoholics, and my mum is also dependent on painkillers. They are in their 60s and are so frail they could be 20 years older, my mum in particular.
My stepfather sometimes admits he has a problem, mum never has and i suspect never will. it's all his fault, he's the drinker, she could stop any time she wants. She used to be a nurse and got fired for stealing painkillers, but has never admitted it to us, we only found out because we read about a hearing she had to attend in the local paper! She had a terrible childhood herself and has a victim mentality like you wouldn't believe. I've had dreadful self esteem and anxiety issues and have only just really turned a corner in the last few years.
I live 400 miles away so luckily don't have to deal with the day to day **** (got out a few years ago when i could tell i wasn't coping), but my brother and sister live nearby and get sucked in regularly.
It's obvious they aren't coping, they are now in and out of hospital regularly (god knows what it's for actually as they don't tell us anythign useful), but we suspect they don't look after themselves, get dehydrated and malnourished, stop drinking, suffer withdrawal, collapse, go to hospital, dry out, come home, rinse and repeat. They are unwelling to accept help from social services and my siblings can only do so much. My brother has a young family of his own and my sister is finishing at university - they should be focussing on their own lives.
Of course i feel huge guilt at being so far away. I have a 10 month old baby and just want to focus on my family. I'm getting married in September and i'd be very surprised if either of them came. Which makes me feel sad, angry and indifferent in equal measures. I don't want to waste my precious free time seeing two people who clearly don't give a **** about their family, but at the same time i feel terrible about thinking that way.
We're at the stage now where something has to change. Their houise is very isolated and neither of them drive any more so can't get groceries very easily. It's all just falling apart and to be honest we're all jsut waiting for the phone call to say the've burnt the house down from smoking, or just died or killed themselves.
Anyway i just had to get this off my chest as it's eating all of us up. Just venting to people who understand has made me feel a lot better already!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi and welcome to SR. I am sorry to hear of the troubles you and your family are going through. It sounds like there really isnt anything you can do. If the hospitals are aware of things and so is social services than all you can do is take care of yourself and your baby.
Good luck with things and stick around. There is a lot of support here
Good luck with things and stick around. There is a lot of support here
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Hi welcome. I'm sorry too for all the chaos. I found focusing on my children was crucial for my mental health. Though I had a functioning alcoholic dad till he was 80 then all heck broke loose. Even though I was routinely involved I was at the same time emotionally detached. Their events didn't cause as much heartache for me as for others. I found my fulfillment in my family and God, and didn't need their blessings or love. That really made me free to pick choose how much help I could be without destroying my life.
Gaining that emotional detachment is the key though difficult for some, but I came by it very early in life with my family of origin. I guess that involved a certain amount of letting go and letting God deal with them too. Finding a balance is the goal, having friends and your own family to care deeply for and love was crucial. I didn't want total harm to come to them but I couldn't live 24/7 in their craziness.
Congrats on the baby and wedding. Sometimes when happy things happened for us we can feel guilty and want the storybook family to share it with but we don't need it. We can write our own storybook
Gaining that emotional detachment is the key though difficult for some, but I came by it very early in life with my family of origin. I guess that involved a certain amount of letting go and letting God deal with them too. Finding a balance is the goal, having friends and your own family to care deeply for and love was crucial. I didn't want total harm to come to them but I couldn't live 24/7 in their craziness.
Congrats on the baby and wedding. Sometimes when happy things happened for us we can feel guilty and want the storybook family to share it with but we don't need it. We can write our own storybook
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