Life lost in Limbo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 2
Life lost in Limbo
Hello all,
I come here to seek guidance from people that have been through this path before. I find it easier to talk to people that understand instead of those that SAY they understand but really they just empathize with the situation in general.
The last year I have been lost in a version of limbo. I was getting very anxious all the time, getting stressed out to the point that rational thoughts were thrown out the window, and felt so incredibly lonely and just used. I would work, come home, and drink away the day and enjoy a nice evening to myself watching movies and being comfortable and blocking out the chaos.
Naturally, things got worse. I was in the hospital most of May where they did a bunch of different tests and diagnosed me with Esophogitis, Gastroperisis, and Pancreatitis (sp?). I was so happy in the hospital and alcohol never crossed my mind. I found it ironic I felt more at home at the hospital than at home. I even cried as the taxi pulled away from the hospital.
Work got chaotic with mind games and the boss playing favorites. I felt so uncomfortable there that I just wanted to escape in myself. I went to the hospital again with the same talk of 'you have to quit drinking,' but they weren't listening to the depression and anxiety behind the reason I had drank. I finally got to talk to the hospital psychiatrist and was put in a week long treatment facility which yet again felt so much at home and the craving was non-existent.
I come back home and lasted another week without any alcohol and began going to AA classes to learn. My mom, at this point, moved back to Colorado to be my support system and would sit in a nearby Subway until I got out. I found that pretty nice that she was dedicating to walk the evil walk with me to show support.
Then the relapse. I was anxious, tired, and wanted to calm down so I picked up a few shooter bottles and drank them. I tripped and fell on my face, nearly causing me to break my nose, split lip, and now a scar on my left side of my forehead. Again to the emergency room and $130 just for new glasses frames.
Work the next day was miserable as I already was in severe pain but I couldn't be seen with the injuries so was put to work and immediately insulted on my productivity while my face was mashed to bits. I was ready to just quit the day and went to the liquor store. When I got home, I got an anxiety attack and confessed to my mom about there being alcohol in my bag. She called non-emergency police and they took me to a really bad detox center that resembled a homeless shelter where I vomited and shook from withdraw systems.
Needless to say, I also lost my job.
I'm back on the road again though, almost 7 days sober yet again. I'm giving the pills a try but now I'm finding that I can't be trusted even though I am 27. If I go anywhere, I have a personal escort. If I want to hang out with friends, they almost have to 'check-in' to verify that someone is really there. I'm constantly asking if it's okay if anybody in my family does something which would require me to be unmonitored.
Yet again, on top of trying to stay positive, now I find myself in a prison where nobody trusts me, one of the family members is so LOVED yet I have been stuck with all the bills and when she was in time of need I did my hardest for her, and now that I struggle she's already planning to flee and gossiping about me. It seems like I tried so hard for nothing, and I know that sober living isn't a pass to get rid of troubles. However it has to be me to face this journey, not be in a prison where everybody secretly looks down on you as if you are scum because of a problem.
Sorry for the rant, just going through so much and I know I can beat this if I had more people to have faith in me instead of watching my every move.
I come here to seek guidance from people that have been through this path before. I find it easier to talk to people that understand instead of those that SAY they understand but really they just empathize with the situation in general.
The last year I have been lost in a version of limbo. I was getting very anxious all the time, getting stressed out to the point that rational thoughts were thrown out the window, and felt so incredibly lonely and just used. I would work, come home, and drink away the day and enjoy a nice evening to myself watching movies and being comfortable and blocking out the chaos.
Naturally, things got worse. I was in the hospital most of May where they did a bunch of different tests and diagnosed me with Esophogitis, Gastroperisis, and Pancreatitis (sp?). I was so happy in the hospital and alcohol never crossed my mind. I found it ironic I felt more at home at the hospital than at home. I even cried as the taxi pulled away from the hospital.
Work got chaotic with mind games and the boss playing favorites. I felt so uncomfortable there that I just wanted to escape in myself. I went to the hospital again with the same talk of 'you have to quit drinking,' but they weren't listening to the depression and anxiety behind the reason I had drank. I finally got to talk to the hospital psychiatrist and was put in a week long treatment facility which yet again felt so much at home and the craving was non-existent.
I come back home and lasted another week without any alcohol and began going to AA classes to learn. My mom, at this point, moved back to Colorado to be my support system and would sit in a nearby Subway until I got out. I found that pretty nice that she was dedicating to walk the evil walk with me to show support.
Then the relapse. I was anxious, tired, and wanted to calm down so I picked up a few shooter bottles and drank them. I tripped and fell on my face, nearly causing me to break my nose, split lip, and now a scar on my left side of my forehead. Again to the emergency room and $130 just for new glasses frames.
Work the next day was miserable as I already was in severe pain but I couldn't be seen with the injuries so was put to work and immediately insulted on my productivity while my face was mashed to bits. I was ready to just quit the day and went to the liquor store. When I got home, I got an anxiety attack and confessed to my mom about there being alcohol in my bag. She called non-emergency police and they took me to a really bad detox center that resembled a homeless shelter where I vomited and shook from withdraw systems.
Needless to say, I also lost my job.
I'm back on the road again though, almost 7 days sober yet again. I'm giving the pills a try but now I'm finding that I can't be trusted even though I am 27. If I go anywhere, I have a personal escort. If I want to hang out with friends, they almost have to 'check-in' to verify that someone is really there. I'm constantly asking if it's okay if anybody in my family does something which would require me to be unmonitored.
Yet again, on top of trying to stay positive, now I find myself in a prison where nobody trusts me, one of the family members is so LOVED yet I have been stuck with all the bills and when she was in time of need I did my hardest for her, and now that I struggle she's already planning to flee and gossiping about me. It seems like I tried so hard for nothing, and I know that sober living isn't a pass to get rid of troubles. However it has to be me to face this journey, not be in a prison where everybody secretly looks down on you as if you are scum because of a problem.
Sorry for the rant, just going through so much and I know I can beat this if I had more people to have faith in me instead of watching my every move.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Tavvey!! 
Sobriety may not create a trouble free life but it can certainly put the brakes on life spiralling any further, 7 days is fantastic, keep pushing through and you can change your story with a happier future!!
Sobriety may not create a trouble free life but it can certainly put the brakes on life spiralling any further, 7 days is fantastic, keep pushing through and you can change your story with a happier future!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome, Tavvey! We have all been in your shoes, and I won't lie...it's hard. It's hard for awhile. But it gets better. If you're like the rest of us you've probably burned all the friends and family that trusted you in the past, so it's gonna take time to rebuild their trust. Maybe they actually see things more clearly than you do right now. Good work getting some sober time it, it honestly can get better. But it takes some work.
I hope you stick around SR and do the work of recovery, whatever method serves you best. You can beat addiction! Life can be something to savor, not dread.
I hope you stick around SR and do the work of recovery, whatever method serves you best. You can beat addiction! Life can be something to savor, not dread.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Welcome Travvy. In the beginning it took me awhile to notice that my drinking got progressively worse, in fact it never gets better if we’re alcoholic. First I needed to get honest with myself about my drinking AND accept the fact that I can NOT drink in safety.
It’s a good thing to attend AA as it is a learning process for us who didn’t know what we didn’t know. It’s a process that takes time and has worked for millions in the past, many at the point of living in the gutter, never washing, with wine sores and many complications health wise. With time if given a chance we can again be comfortable in our own skin if we just don’t drink.
BE WELL
It’s a good thing to attend AA as it is a learning process for us who didn’t know what we didn’t know. It’s a process that takes time and has worked for millions in the past, many at the point of living in the gutter, never washing, with wine sores and many complications health wise. With time if given a chance we can again be comfortable in our own skin if we just don’t drink.
BE WELL
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: In a tree, UK
Posts: 46
I'm in a very similar position to you Tavvey and have 8 days sober myself after falling off the wagon big time all of last year. I really can relate to you, as I lost my job too and close to your age. I also had pancreatitis, feels like a melon is being pushed through your belly button doesnt it? Sorry to hear all of the issues that you have had, but you're still here though - which is testament to your strength of character. You and I are both still young and we will get through this crap together
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Welcome to SR!! This site and the folks who post here have been really supportive and informational. My anxiety attacks diminished significantly the longer I have been sober. As we didn't become alcoholics overnight; trust takes time to repair as well. Glad you found this site
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 2
I was told by my mom that Sunday will be my day 14. I'm really excited about it. It hasn't been easy. She has caught me running to the liquor store and made me through it away. I don't even know why I bought it honestly. I'm learning that vitamins, caffeine, and constant activity are my 'new' drugs. When I wake up my mom has learned that I need my caffeine. 2:30 is the hardest time for me. I surmise that since that's when a 'normal' person's blood sugar drops it's extra hard for someone drinking all those carbs from alcohol. Around that time I make sure I have an 'up' such as caffeine, vitamins, vitamin water, or something with some sugar to it to help with the extreme low part of the day.
I'm finding that I can smell so many different things now. However I still find that since stopping alcohol I find it a bit harder to hear? I don't know, something to talk to the doctor about I guess.
BUT TWO WEEKS STRONG. My support system said that if I hit the 90 day mark I'll get a day pass to an aquarium to see sharks which are one of my favorite exotic animals. If I feel this better after almost two weeks, bring on 76 more days!
I'm finding that I can smell so many different things now. However I still find that since stopping alcohol I find it a bit harder to hear? I don't know, something to talk to the doctor about I guess.
BUT TWO WEEKS STRONG. My support system said that if I hit the 90 day mark I'll get a day pass to an aquarium to see sharks which are one of my favorite exotic animals. If I feel this better after almost two weeks, bring on 76 more days!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
14 days is great Tavvey - congrats!
I lost a lot of peoples trust when I was a drinker.
I had to earn that back - and I think you know running off sneaking to the liquor store is not going to earn you your folk's trust back or get you any more personal space or independence.
By and large I think we get the response we deserve.
Be cool, be sober, be responsible and people will respond to that - I promise
just curious....what are you doing for your recovery besides posting here, Tavvey?
D
I lost a lot of peoples trust when I was a drinker.
I had to earn that back - and I think you know running off sneaking to the liquor store is not going to earn you your folk's trust back or get you any more personal space or independence.
By and large I think we get the response we deserve.
Be cool, be sober, be responsible and people will respond to that - I promise
just curious....what are you doing for your recovery besides posting here, Tavvey?
D
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
your story highlights the dam hard struggle it can be for some
can you explain to me what aa classes are ? i dont know what country your in but in the uk we have aa meetings not classes
i hope you can find aa meetings in your area as for me they helped me get out of that nightmare world i was once in
good luck to you and thanks for your post as you help me remember the pain of were i have been and i never want to go there again so thanks
can you explain to me what aa classes are ? i dont know what country your in but in the uk we have aa meetings not classes
i hope you can find aa meetings in your area as for me they helped me get out of that nightmare world i was once in
good luck to you and thanks for your post as you help me remember the pain of were i have been and i never want to go there again so thanks
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