Anybody relate?

Old 07-20-2014, 02:54 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
Anybody relate?

I have been reading posts here for a while but have not commented yet or made a post of my own so this is my first step into your community...

My AH is drinking daily and increasingly difficult at home. He is a truck driver and is respected and very well functional at work and outside the home. People are always telling me that I'm so lucky that he is so wonderful and sensitive....blah blah blah

Im always hearing from other wives that their husbands dont communicate or spend time with them but mine never stops talking and communicating his over the top feelings!! Basically he gets home from work and does not leave me alone...as he drinks more and more and becomes more and more inappropriate (he is always trying to 'show me love' by rubbing my shoulders which turns into him rubbing under my shirt etc...). This happens as I'm making dinner, trying to read or anything really...usually in front of our teenagers.

He is always telling me that I'm cold and im not affectionate to him and accusing me of having an affair which is the last thing i want!! I am just so sick of this...if i make a big deal of it and tell him to stop then it always starts a fight with him going on and on and i feel so guilty but i know I haven't done anything!!

My 18 yr old daughter has had some very serious mental health issues and has been hospitalized after several suiside attempts and im so afraid that if i make the wrong decision to leave or not leave that it will be worse for her...

I have been attending alanon for a few months and I really like the support there...although my AH always makes a big deal of me taking time away from our 'family time' to go to meetings and he thinks I go there to meet my 'boyfriend'....

I am terrified that I can't make it on my own if i leave him...we don't own our home and only have debts to split! I dont make as much as he does and we have a giant car payment and bills.....ugh

We have been married for almost 20 yrs (met him at 16 and had both kids before i was 20)....so its all i have really known. We have been through sooo much it feels like i am giving up but also feel like I don't know myself either...

I'm not sure what the point of this post is except to vent and wonder if any of you feel this way to?

Thanks for listening!!

Solo
solo1 is offline  
Old 07-20-2014, 03:19 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 66
Hi Solo and welcome!

I can relate to some of how you are feeling. My AH and I are over-the-top affectionate with each other. I stopped all physical contact with him when he started drinking again. I'm finding it easy, but he is not.
He has diarrhea-of-the-mouth on a good day and now that he is working towards recovery he talks more about his feelings.
I want to leave but am afraid of making it on my own. The debt we have as a result of his pill addiction is in my name only.
Sorry about your daughter. Have you thought of an Adult Child of Alcoholic meeting for her or alateen?
Set boundaries, take care of you, keep going to al-anon, and keep posting =)
{hugs}
yensid is offline  
Old 07-20-2014, 06:19 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
Mine behaved in appropriately as well, and began grabbing me and making comments in front of our young kids. I hated it. (We are divorced now.)

It was a control thing. Only after I left did I realize that it was actually a form of sexual abuse.
Bullfrog is offline  
Old 07-20-2014, 06:35 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
SeriousKarma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Hi Solo, I'm glad you found SR.

I know it's hard to figure out what the right thing to do is when it comes to our children. You'd think it would be easier when they're older, but it isn't. It sounds like you're dealing with some tough issues there. Especially in regards to your daughter.

I have one teenage daughter, and she realized, long before I did, that her father wasn't going to miraculously get better. She was actually quite relieved when I told her that I had filed for divorce. It's not that her father was ever mean to her. It's just that she needed to see me move in a positive direction. Sometimes we underestimate how important it is for our children to see us, the healthy parent, taking care of ourselves.

I don't know if others will come along to share their experiences ,weekends can be slow, but I'm sure I've heard others mention "overly affectionate" husbands. You're definitely not alone when it comes to that.

I'm glad you're going to Alanon, that sort of support is priceless. Yensid makes a good point about Alateen. That could help your daughter (or other kids as well). If they're older teens they may even be able to go to regular Alanon meetings.

Again, glad you're here. Keep posting and reading. It really helps.
SeriousKarma is offline  
Old 07-20-2014, 06:36 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
SeriousKarma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Bullfrog, you and I posted at the same time. Maybe you were the one I remember mentioning this issue before. It sounds horribly uncomfortable. Yes, it is abuse.
SeriousKarma is offline  
Old 07-20-2014, 09:25 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
Thank you so much for your responses!

Yensid - my daughter has come with me a few times to alnon, she just feels a little out of place as everyone is much older... One of the long time members has expresses interest in starting an alateen group as we don't have one in our small town. Hopefully that happens as I'm sure she would benefit from the support for sure.

Bullfrog - I never thought of it as abuse before.... Definatly makes me think about things for sure!

Seriouskarma - I know my daughter really needs to see me stand up for myself and take care of myself.. Just last night she told me she doesn't know what a normal relationship looks like and it terrifies me to think of her ending up with someone who treats her like her dad treats me....he does have a lot of good in him too, I guess that's why it's so hard to make a decision about this!

I have to work at 7 am tomorrow so I better get to bed! Thanks again
solo1 is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 12:18 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: CA
Posts: 37
Solo, as I read your post, I see my relationship with my h. He goes through hot and cold cycles. When he's hot, it's very inappropriate and then would make me feel guilty when I didn't reciprocate. It's a total turn off. And I would end up doing things that I wasn't feeling comfortable with. It's just recently that I have put boundaries in place. He doesn't like it. But I don't like the who he becomes when he drinks. I hate the smell, the attitude, and everything that the drinking brings. Then he will go to the cold mode. I'm sticking to my boundaries and taking steps to get in a better place for myself and my kids.

You are doing the best in the situation you are in. I'm praying for you and your daughter...peace
mauihope is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 04:24 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
redatlanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
A normie senses when another does not want to be touched. Or talked to. Shouldn't be offended by it - we all need our personal space. RAH and I observe this in each other you have to when you live with someone.

So either he is just intoxicated and doesn't realize it (which I don't think), its a control issue (more likely) or he is sensing your dissatisfaction in the relationship and is becoming pushy (yep). Whatever the case it sounds very claustrophobic to have someone all over you like that. Ditto the accusations of an affair.

Perhaps you could speak with your daughters doctors - to me removing her out of a dysfunctional relationship and stressful environment would be better. It might be adding to her depression.

I think its common to feel there is no way out. I felt that way. My A got sober so getting out did not happen. However, I came up with a plan even though financially we weren't in the best place at the time. All's I am saying is where there is a will there is a way. You may not be able to start a new life in the lifestyle you are used to but it really doesn't matter because sanity and peace are priceless. Cars can be sold or can go back to dealerships. Debt can be paid off or if in a pickle, bankruptcy and start over that's what its for. Why not talk with your Al Anon group about this as well - I guarantee you aren't the only person who has felt trapped financially in a marriage.

Giving up to me is settling for a life you don't want. Yes you are doing the best you can right now also sending prayers that you will find your path.
redatlanta is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 08:47 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Solo and Welcome!

Not sure if you have tried other meetings that may have a younger crowd? I attend Celebrate Recovery which is a lot the same but with more of a spiritual base. I would try to find a meeting for her to try to attend, it may help her a lot. Or possibly some group therapy would help for her?

My X was a lot the same as this. Pulled the same crap. I did not make any decisions until I knew what was right for me and my children. I did a couple of things to get myself there. I went to a counselor (actually a psychiatrist but he did not mess w/any of my medications, just counseled with me) that specializes in families with addiction. That helped me immensely. I also got my children into therapy. They are 14 and 8. That also helped them so very much. I also spoke with several attorneys that I was interested in to get my options, which was easier than I thought.

That also did a couple of things. One, free consult. Good to get your stuff in order. Two, it blocked the couple of attorneys I would not want XAH to use b/c it would have then been a conflict of interest. We ended up hammering out everything ourselves and my friend who is an attorney filed for both of us, but reps me. It saved us tons of money but it was like UN negotiations to get us there.

Good luck to you. Keep posting, you are not alone!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 09:29 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by mauihope View Post
Solo, as I read your post, I see my relationship with my h. He goes through hot and cold cycles. When he's hot, it's very inappropriate and then would make me feel guilty when I didn't reciprocate. It's a total turn off. And I would end up doing things that I wasn't feeling comfortable with. It's just recently that I have put boundaries in place. He doesn't like it. But I don't like the who he becomes when he drinks. I hate the smell, the attitude, and everything that the drinking brings. Then he will go to the cold mode. I'm sticking to my boundaries and taking steps to get in a better place for myself and my kids.

You are doing the best in the situation you are in. I'm praying for you and your daughter...peace
This is exactly what happens with me!! Then I feel so terrible about myself when I do things I really dont want to do...

Do you mind if I ask what sort of boundries you have set? I really want to say something like no sex if you have been drinking but that would basically eliminate it most nights...not sure if that is realistic? I just hate who he becomes when he drinks so much...that is not the man I fell in love with. He is usually weepy and depressed the next morning but that doesnt stop him from brining home more beer....
solo1 is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 09:41 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
A normie senses when another does not want to be touched. Or talked to. Shouldn't be offended by it - we all need our personal space. RAH and I observe this in each other you have to when you live with someone.

So either he is just intoxicated and doesn't realize it (which I don't think), its a control issue (more likely) or he is sensing your dissatisfaction in the relationship and is becoming pushy (yep). Whatever the case it sounds very claustrophobic to have someone all over you like that. Ditto the accusations of an affair.

Perhaps you could speak with your daughters doctors - to me removing her out of a dysfunctional relationship and stressful environment would be better. It might be adding to her depression.

I think its common to feel there is no way out. I felt that way. My A got sober so getting out did not happen. However, I came up with a plan even though financially we weren't in the best place at the time. All's I am saying is where there is a will there is a way. You may not be able to start a new life in the lifestyle you are used to but it really doesn't matter because sanity and peace are priceless. Cars can be sold or can go back to dealerships. Debt can be paid off or if in a pickle, bankruptcy and start over that's what its for. Why not talk with your Al Anon group about this as well - I guarantee you aren't the only person who has felt trapped financially in a marriage.

Giving up to me is settling for a life you don't want. Yes you are doing the best you can right now also sending prayers that you will find your path.
Your right its for sure a control issue! Its easy to blame it on the drinking but some of this has been evident for a long long time and is not new..

Yup my daughter has a lot of support through our community psychiatric center and her councillor has stressed that she really feels getting out of the enviroment is what is best for her. I know in my heart it is the right thing to do...its just scary to think about the what ifs...what if she attempts suicide again and I am not there because i will have to work more..etc...

You are so right, I may not be able to keep the new car or spend like I am used to but I can certainly keep a roof over our heads and have peace and serinity in my home...
solo1 is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 09:48 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Hi Solo and Welcome!

Not sure if you have tried other meetings that may have a younger crowd? I attend Celebrate Recovery which is a lot the same but with more of a spiritual base. I would try to find a meeting for her to try to attend, it may help her a lot. Or possibly some group therapy would help for her?

My X was a lot the same as this. Pulled the same crap. I did not make any decisions until I knew what was right for me and my children. I did a couple of things to get myself there. I went to a counselor (actually a psychiatrist but he did not mess w/any of my medications, just counseled with me) that specializes in families with addiction. That helped me immensely. I also got my children into therapy. They are 14 and 8. That also helped them so very much. I also spoke with several attorneys that I was interested in to get my options, which was easier than I thought.

That also did a couple of things. One, free consult. Good to get your stuff in order. Two, it blocked the couple of attorneys I would not want XAH to use b/c it would have then been a conflict of interest. We ended up hammering out everything ourselves and my friend who is an attorney filed for both of us, but reps me. It saved us tons of money but it was like UN negotiations to get us there.

Good luck to you. Keep posting, you are not alone!
We are in a small town that has 1 Al anon meeting each week but I have been thinking that even if we need to drive to the closest city (1.5 hr) we may have more options of different meetings...I will definatly look into Celebrate Recovery thanks!

I really need to speak to an attourney to find out my options...I have a really good councillor who is very patient with me and helping me talk things through and not presure me either way...the kids also have their own councillors at the medical center in town. My son (16) is not too keen on talking but he is very involved with drama and other groups at school so I dont worry about him as much as my daughter..
solo1 is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 09:50 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: CA
Posts: 37
Solo, I'm right there with you. I have attempted to talk to my h and set up boundaries. I told him that when he drinks it's a turn off and that I wouldn't have any physical relationship when he has been drinking. I have also slept on couch when I feel like it. It doesn't matter. He still attempts but I hold my ground. Just the other day, after we had another conversation about separating, he flipped his switch to being sweet and caring. Then went to drinking over the weekend and attempting a physical encounter. I held my ground. It's not easy and mainly the boundaries I keep are with myself. I am trusting myself more and realizing that it's ok that I don't have the romantic feelngs right now. I don't need anyone to validate my feelngs (hard because I am the ultimate people pleaser). I take each day as it comes and pray the serentiy prayer over and over again.

Sending you strength and peace.....maui hope
mauihope is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 09:50 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
Thanks so much for all your responses! I feel so much better knowing I am not alone...

Sometimes it feels like everyone I know has these great marriages and high achieving kids and I feel so inadequate as a wife and mother...
solo1 is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 11:48 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
You are SO not alone. My ex used to get drunk and then he wanted attention...either following me from room to room to needle me and pick a fight, or to try to get "intimate." (I finally after years gave up trying to get him to understand what intimacy actually is, and how drunk sex is the exact opposite of intimate.)

And yes he accused me of cheating on him constantly, which was a sick joke as between the stress of caring for young children and dealing with a drunk husband and the pressure of my job, I had migraines several times a week. Which meant nothing to him, as when he was "in the mood" I dare not say no or I'd be accused of cheating, doors would slam, kids woken up while he stomped around. Last but not least, I might have been able to stand it if it didn't take too long, but of course, he wanted to have sex all night, and being drunk, that often worked for him.

I actually feel sick just thinking about it. Three and a half years free!!

P.S. my kids have some mental health issues and reducing the stress in our home (aka not living with an alcoholic) certainly did not make matters any worse.
Santa is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 12:06 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Solo...keep in mind, you don't have to make any rush decisions today! It's baby steps! I met with an attorney I think around 9 months before I did a thing. It was good because I got good advise for what to do during that time. What I did was put the focus on me and building myself to a point that no matter what I needed to do, I knew I could do it and me and my kids would both be ok!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 12:09 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
martina12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
I would also like to echo Santa you are so not alone!..I would be woken up at 2,3,4 or 5am for sex. I thought maybe this would keep him happy....its awful to admit that you have been sexually abused but I really wanted the marriage to work. Thats how low my self esteem went.

Well, guess what it didn't work! He left me anyway for an alcoholic grandmother 10 years older...

So I have worked on myself...I go to the gym etc etc thats what I needed to do to build up my self esteem again. I would really like to go to Al-Anon but cant as I work or have the kids. Oh and a definate 'no contact'

Wishing you luck in finding your own recovery because you will find it!
martina12 is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 01:08 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Baby Steps
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hi solo welcome to SR. yes I can relate to some of what you have experienced and your post has brought back memories that I hadn't really thought about. My AH would come up behind me and put his arms round me then grab me wanting to be intimate if I said no he would take every opportunity over the next few days until I gave in then he would basically ignore me. If I tried to initiate intimacy he would reject me which left me feeling unattractive and lots of other feelings which I haven't processed yet as this wasn't something I had thought about!!

I like you was with my AH for 18 years before he walked out to drink when he wants 4 months ago he was all I ever knew I didn't know who I was without him what my future would be without him. My whole identity was wrapped up in being his wife and that scared me to suddenly be on my own. Slowly over the last few months I have began to work through my feelings of being on my own but also my feelings that I ignored while I was so focused on my AH. I have realised things that I never would have had I still been with him and I am growing stronger every day. One thing I love is that I no longer experience anxiety about his drinking because he's not here drinking, I don't have to worry if he will go on a binge, sneak out in the middle of the night or drink to the point of passing out or if he's in a bad mood tip toeing around him and the kids don't have to either. There is no longer shouting in my home at the kids for not doing what they're told. It's peaceful.

I understand your fears and anxieties do you have any family or friends you can talk to. I would also recommend finding a counsellor someone you can talk through all of your feelings and maybe help you prepare if you decide you want to leave.

Has your daughter spoken to you about how she feels about her dad and his drinking? Does your H drinking impact on her mental health? could you speak to her counsellor about the best was to help your daughter through this as best you can if you decide to leave.

I wish you peace
Butterfly is offline  
Old 07-21-2014, 06:56 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
I had a very similar experience as Santa. And it makes me sick to think back on it. Exact opposite of what intimacy is supposed to be. But I never have to deal with the temper tantrums, beer breath and inappropriate groping ever again!!!

I'm so thankful to be free!
Bullfrog is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:30 PM.