Over
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Scotland
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Over
I've just made one the hardest decisions today. I told my alcoholic partner that I could no longer be with him. He had around 5 days of sobriety but I know that it is very likely only a matter of time until he picks up his next drink. I felt that, during over 2 years together, I tried everything to be of support to him. He has relapsed a number of times in the last 5 months and although we didn't live together, I felt that I could no longer cope with not knowing if he was dead, alive or in danger, as he would disappear for days on end. As a recovering alcoholic myself, I was in the danger zone of picking up a drink several times in the last few months and I had to put my sobriety first. He is a decent man and my parting words to him were to look after himself and that I wished him health and happiness. I would love him to find joy in his life but knowing the alcoholic mind, realise that it probably needs to get to rock bottom with him before he makes the choice to stop or not. We separated on a few occasions and each time, I would brace myself for the call to the hospital or worse. Thankfully, they never came but I feel that I have had no choice but to get out of his life before something does happen. Because I love him so much, I couldn't cope with him spiralling into self-destruction. It took me 4 hospitalisations to put down the bottle and by the grace of God, I have 2 years, 4 months of sobriety behind me at the moment. I know that could change at any time if I don't watch my alcoholic head. I just feel so lost at the moment and hope I have made the right decision. Finding it so hard and wondered if anyone has had a similar experience? It was all done tonight so has been very quick so my head is spinning a little. Hope you are all well and thank you.
Emma
Emma
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You are responsible for you.
If you have maintained sobriety, and you have felt your sobriety threatened in this relationship, I think that alone is reason enough to break it off.
You are taking care of you. That's what you're supposed to do. I don't see a thing wrong with your choice. (((hugs)))
If you have maintained sobriety, and you have felt your sobriety threatened in this relationship, I think that alone is reason enough to break it off.
You are taking care of you. That's what you're supposed to do. I don't see a thing wrong with your choice. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I get that my husband's sobriety comes before anything for without it there is nothing.
If he came to me and told me that he had to leave because he was risking his sobriety to be with me I would understand.
I am sorry you had to do this I know it is painful. I give you huge kudos for recognizing that you had to and doing something that hurt for your own health.
If he came to me and told me that he had to leave because he was risking his sobriety to be with me I would understand.
I am sorry you had to do this I know it is painful. I give you huge kudos for recognizing that you had to and doing something that hurt for your own health.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Congrats on your sobriety, emmsie!
In the past, I ended a several years long relationship with another person who had a drinking problem. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and there were a few "relapses" (getting together again). I think you did the right thing.
In the past, I ended a several years long relationship with another person who had a drinking problem. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and there were a few "relapses" (getting together again). I think you did the right thing.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 10
IMHO you did the right thing.. good for you for taking care of yourself!! I am a recovering alcoholic (I have 4 1/2 years sober) and was in a situation that was so similar to yours (although in my situation it was my EXabf when I said ENOUGH but we were still very close, best friends really). I had been with him, over the course of 6 years, through SO MANY detoxes, treatment centers, half way houses, hospital visits, broken promises, lies etc, etc. Long story short (although with an alcoholic, the stories are never short), he wanted me to lie for him and that was the final straw for me. I never really came close to relapsing but if I had remained entangled with him, it would have happened. Its been a month since I removed myself from that situation and while I experienced a tremendous amount of grief, I know I did the right thing and have no regrets about it. And P.S. No contact works and I think it helped me move forward faster.
To keep it simple, we have to protect our sobriety like we would protect a baby. And when anyone or anything threatens that, we have to fight for it. Keep fighting for your sobriety, you are worth it and don't let anyone take from you what you have worked so hard to achieve.
Hugs and peace to you.
To keep it simple, we have to protect our sobriety like we would protect a baby. And when anyone or anything threatens that, we have to fight for it. Keep fighting for your sobriety, you are worth it and don't let anyone take from you what you have worked so hard to achieve.
Hugs and peace to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 101
Thanks so much for sharing your story with me, Pickles104 - it has given me inspiration and strength. Many Congratulations on your 4, 1/2 years sober - that is amazing and I hope to be able to reach that myself one day. :-) It must have been very painful for you to have walked away from your ex but by the sounds of things, you definitely did the right thing, as you say. I am sorry to hear you have been through all of that. It is horrific to watch someone you love and care deeply for spiral downwards with alcohol. So glad you put you and your sobriety first. When we realise we are potentially heading towards a drink ourselves, that's when we have to do anything we can to protect ourselves. I know the thought of it scared the life out of me. What you did shows you are a strong, courageous, determined woman and I'm taking a lot out of your example. I wish you health and every happiness. :-)
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Emmsie,
Congratulations on your sobriety. Sometimes we spend so much time and energy trying to hold the floodwaters back that when we finally stop struggling against the inevitable, it feels like we are responsible for the deluge. Being an alcoholic you intellectually know that you cannot make anyone else get or stay sober - but choosing to quit playing your "role" in the drama of his addiction may feel like you are culpable for any change in its trajectory. It's sad, it is tragic, and unfortunately it's predictable. But it is his choice.
You are responsible for your own sobriety and happiness. Yes, happiness is a responsibility, you were not put here to suffer or bear the weight of someone else's choices indefinitely. You have done what you can and recognizing that it is not enough, it is time to move on. Let your recovery and life be something joyous that inspires others... you have earned it.
Congratulations on your sobriety. Sometimes we spend so much time and energy trying to hold the floodwaters back that when we finally stop struggling against the inevitable, it feels like we are responsible for the deluge. Being an alcoholic you intellectually know that you cannot make anyone else get or stay sober - but choosing to quit playing your "role" in the drama of his addiction may feel like you are culpable for any change in its trajectory. It's sad, it is tragic, and unfortunately it's predictable. But it is his choice.
You are responsible for your own sobriety and happiness. Yes, happiness is a responsibility, you were not put here to suffer or bear the weight of someone else's choices indefinitely. You have done what you can and recognizing that it is not enough, it is time to move on. Let your recovery and life be something joyous that inspires others... you have earned it.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 101
Eddie - Many thanks for taking the time to put this down. It makes a lot of sense to me and is helping me with closure. I am still in touch via social media with my ex. There are a few last things that are in the process of being resolved but thereafter, I'm thinking that no contact would be best. A strange and difficult thought but the right way to go, I reckon. Thanks again and hope you are well.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you, I know this is a very painful time. Congrats on your sobriety, it is something to guard and nourish. Do you have a sponsor? It would be a good time to increase meetings and get the wonderful support available in AA. Your ex boyfriend? Pray for him, it's all you can do. A big hug.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 101
Thanks a lot, NYCDoglvr. I don't have a sponsor but am using all of my recovery tools on a daily basis. I find that distraction, meditation and prayer help me a lot. I talk when I need to (but not all of the time!) and the great people here on SR have helped me tremendously. As you say, I feel that all I can do for my ex now is pray. I believe that he is sober at the moment but unfortunately, I am not sure how long that will last. I'm in the process of coming to terms with the fact that that is not my problem anymore. It's very much a case of doing the same things and expecting different results with him, as you will have heard and I felt I couldn't watch a minute longer. Hope you are well and that the weather is good in NY. :-) Thanks again.
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