Sad-Livid-Sad-Livid-Anxious-Sad-Livid-Anxious-Guilty
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
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Sad-Livid-Sad-Livid-Anxious-Sad-Livid-Anxious-Guilty
Hi.
I don't know where to start. A lot of you know my story. I don't do a lot of updates, because I have such limited time and only phone internet. So busy with my 2yo.
My main grievance with my XA right now is money. Maybe, no. It's lying. I hate his f*cking lying. He still does it, even though he is probably in recovery. I'm just gonna vent.
So, back in January, I found out that he had a criminal traffic offense. I never brought it up to him, because I knew it would come up in court eventually. Though, apparently his parents were still letting him drive when they supervised his visits. I talked to them and hopefully they put a stop to that.
At the end of May, X told me he was going to treatment. I thought he was going for our son. He said, "Maybe now you'll trust me." Ha! I told him it's all about ACTIONS, not words.
On June 13, X gave me about half the $ he should be giving according to state guidelines. He said he'd get me more in a couple of days, but it didn't happen.
About 2 weeks ago, I asked about the money and he said that treatment was expensive, even with insurance, that he'd had to take time off from work without pay (FML) in order to go to his outpatient treatment. I figured something was up. He has lied to me nonstop for years.
I went to get my medication around then and while I was at the pharmacy, a friend called and started telling me she ran into him and he told her he had been suspended from work for a DUI. I texted him that he needed to come clean about a lot of things. He continued with the same story. I went to get my meds from the counter and they tell me my insurance is terminated (I was still on his plan). I texted, "Time off means suspension, right? Like no insurance, right?" He insisted that he had just forgotten to turn in some annual paperwork.
Six days later, he is telling me, yet again that none of his family members are willing to come down to supervise. I felt bad for my son, so I offered to supervise the visit.
At the same time we were setting that up, I told him I wonder why he didn't get suspended after his criminal traffic charge. Phone went quiet for awhile, then I got a defensive text saying that the fact was that he was back to work. Later he texted that he had almost gotten fired, but offered to go to treatment instead. He was just going to not tell me! Amazing.
So my son had a really great day at the park with his parents last week. I thought I was fine, even though I got sentimental and choked up at times while I was watching them. X is and had always been great with our child as long as he's being watched. In fact, his other enablers think I'm crazy for "trying to punish him for hurting me." They just don't know what I know.
After that visit I offered to supervise a hike the following week, because I know X really had wanted to do that for long time. It's his main complaint about having supervised visits- that he can't take DS out hiking. Mind you, he didn't try to do it last year. Anyway, can you see my codie resting her little head?
That night I started to get weird and sad. During the visit, he tried talking to me about stuff he learned at family night in treatment. Stuff I'm glad he's learning, but it's so late and I've been trying to get him to see that sh1t for years to no avail. I told him I need him to keep his recovery his business. He still kept pushing it, telling me he likes treatment, saying it takes too much time to go to all the meetings he needs. [No sh!t!] I very nicely told him that at least he is not limited to only meetings with free childcare (We have about 5 Al anon w/childcare around here and I can easily make it to about 1 of them)..
The next day, I asked some (2) practical questions about treatment that I need to know for legal reasons. He told me, "I'm done taking about this. You'll find out later." I told him to be kind to me and he responded that a question here and a question there was "bugging" him. I'm sure flooding his phone with four questions at once would have been much better received [sarcasm].
Tuesday this week I let him know I can't do a supervision on the weekend and that he needed to work something else out. I let him know later that we need to mediate by next month. He told me he's at his "wits end," because he tested pos at treatment after drinking a kombucha.
After ever lie he's ever told me, he acts like he expects me to believe that about the kombucha. I don't disbelieve. It's just not my f*cking problem.
Well, it kind of is actually...
If he gets fired, I'm on my f*cking own financially. I was warned that this could happen. I guess I didn't think about how sudden it could be.
Right now I feel sad and guilty. There's DS's dad, right there and willing to see him. DS wants to see him. It feels like it's me keeping them apart and not the threat of X's drunken actions. If I don't stand my ground though, X might just think that I don't m ean business, that I was just codie-quacking. The courts wouldn't take me seriously either. It's just so sad, but I'm only the enforcer of this consequence. I'm not the one who caused this situation.
I felt sad and "yearn-y" after that visit last week. It was like we were a family, but we weren't. The biggest heartbreak for me since the break up has been not sharing our son together - the magic of his moments, the hilarious things he says or the brilliant ideas. It was just too much of a taunt for me last week. My self esteem is too fragile and dependent on him still. I am at a point now where I think he's an idiot for not wanting or respecting me. Before I kept wondering what is wrong with me. There's progress, but I still want his respect, remorse, humility too much. He acts so nonchalant all the time, like everything he did was instantly forgiven, like it was totally the right thing to do, like he doesn't really have a problem, it's just the rest of the world who does. I expect him to be a drunk liar or a newly-recovering irrational person, but I'm too hopeful for something that isn't likely. My mind knows that he will not get to step 9 in a month, be rational in 6 months. I know he might never act humble. My heart is impatiently waiting for that. My heart is disappointed that he's choosing not to get a sponsor at this time.
My heart is feeling so sad that when I told him I can't talk about his treatment and recovery, he kept talking. My heart wants him to respect me so badly. My heart wants him to feel remorse. My heart wants to share the miracle of my son.
.
I feel protective of myself though. If he doesn't like, respect or love me, that's his right. It's my right to not be around people who don't respect, like, or love me. I don't like being around people who say that I'm bugging them. I want to be around people who think I'm fun and smart and lovable. I want to be around grateful, gracious people. It's Step 1 all over again trying to accept that he's not on my team
I get pretty anxious about the financial piece of this. I am SO FAR BEHIND on several payments now. It seems like it's going to take months to level out. I'm so angry about the lying. I know I can work more, but that means more money spent on childcare. I'm afraid of losing quality time with DS. I want to figure out how to do this so that if X does lose his job, DS and I will be fine.
I'm mad and anxious too that I have no time to myself when I either supervise a visit or they don't get one. I seriously love my son and I don't want to work more and miss out on him, but the 8-10 hours each week that he is with his dad (when there is a "supervisor") are priceless. Those hours are my only time to work on journaling, cleaning without interruption, the court docs, taking a relaxing shower, possibly getting resumes done up and printed out. Unless I lose sleep, that's my limited time.
I'm feeling kind of defeated and that is not good for someone who wants to make her life better, get a new job, relax and enjoy life.
I don't know where to start. A lot of you know my story. I don't do a lot of updates, because I have such limited time and only phone internet. So busy with my 2yo.
My main grievance with my XA right now is money. Maybe, no. It's lying. I hate his f*cking lying. He still does it, even though he is probably in recovery. I'm just gonna vent.
So, back in January, I found out that he had a criminal traffic offense. I never brought it up to him, because I knew it would come up in court eventually. Though, apparently his parents were still letting him drive when they supervised his visits. I talked to them and hopefully they put a stop to that.
At the end of May, X told me he was going to treatment. I thought he was going for our son. He said, "Maybe now you'll trust me." Ha! I told him it's all about ACTIONS, not words.
On June 13, X gave me about half the $ he should be giving according to state guidelines. He said he'd get me more in a couple of days, but it didn't happen.
About 2 weeks ago, I asked about the money and he said that treatment was expensive, even with insurance, that he'd had to take time off from work without pay (FML) in order to go to his outpatient treatment. I figured something was up. He has lied to me nonstop for years.
I went to get my medication around then and while I was at the pharmacy, a friend called and started telling me she ran into him and he told her he had been suspended from work for a DUI. I texted him that he needed to come clean about a lot of things. He continued with the same story. I went to get my meds from the counter and they tell me my insurance is terminated (I was still on his plan). I texted, "Time off means suspension, right? Like no insurance, right?" He insisted that he had just forgotten to turn in some annual paperwork.
Six days later, he is telling me, yet again that none of his family members are willing to come down to supervise. I felt bad for my son, so I offered to supervise the visit.
At the same time we were setting that up, I told him I wonder why he didn't get suspended after his criminal traffic charge. Phone went quiet for awhile, then I got a defensive text saying that the fact was that he was back to work. Later he texted that he had almost gotten fired, but offered to go to treatment instead. He was just going to not tell me! Amazing.
So my son had a really great day at the park with his parents last week. I thought I was fine, even though I got sentimental and choked up at times while I was watching them. X is and had always been great with our child as long as he's being watched. In fact, his other enablers think I'm crazy for "trying to punish him for hurting me." They just don't know what I know.
After that visit I offered to supervise a hike the following week, because I know X really had wanted to do that for long time. It's his main complaint about having supervised visits- that he can't take DS out hiking. Mind you, he didn't try to do it last year. Anyway, can you see my codie resting her little head?
That night I started to get weird and sad. During the visit, he tried talking to me about stuff he learned at family night in treatment. Stuff I'm glad he's learning, but it's so late and I've been trying to get him to see that sh1t for years to no avail. I told him I need him to keep his recovery his business. He still kept pushing it, telling me he likes treatment, saying it takes too much time to go to all the meetings he needs. [No sh!t!] I very nicely told him that at least he is not limited to only meetings with free childcare (We have about 5 Al anon w/childcare around here and I can easily make it to about 1 of them)..
The next day, I asked some (2) practical questions about treatment that I need to know for legal reasons. He told me, "I'm done taking about this. You'll find out later." I told him to be kind to me and he responded that a question here and a question there was "bugging" him. I'm sure flooding his phone with four questions at once would have been much better received [sarcasm].
Tuesday this week I let him know I can't do a supervision on the weekend and that he needed to work something else out. I let him know later that we need to mediate by next month. He told me he's at his "wits end," because he tested pos at treatment after drinking a kombucha.
After ever lie he's ever told me, he acts like he expects me to believe that about the kombucha. I don't disbelieve. It's just not my f*cking problem.
Well, it kind of is actually...
If he gets fired, I'm on my f*cking own financially. I was warned that this could happen. I guess I didn't think about how sudden it could be.
Right now I feel sad and guilty. There's DS's dad, right there and willing to see him. DS wants to see him. It feels like it's me keeping them apart and not the threat of X's drunken actions. If I don't stand my ground though, X might just think that I don't m ean business, that I was just codie-quacking. The courts wouldn't take me seriously either. It's just so sad, but I'm only the enforcer of this consequence. I'm not the one who caused this situation.
I felt sad and "yearn-y" after that visit last week. It was like we were a family, but we weren't. The biggest heartbreak for me since the break up has been not sharing our son together - the magic of his moments, the hilarious things he says or the brilliant ideas. It was just too much of a taunt for me last week. My self esteem is too fragile and dependent on him still. I am at a point now where I think he's an idiot for not wanting or respecting me. Before I kept wondering what is wrong with me. There's progress, but I still want his respect, remorse, humility too much. He acts so nonchalant all the time, like everything he did was instantly forgiven, like it was totally the right thing to do, like he doesn't really have a problem, it's just the rest of the world who does. I expect him to be a drunk liar or a newly-recovering irrational person, but I'm too hopeful for something that isn't likely. My mind knows that he will not get to step 9 in a month, be rational in 6 months. I know he might never act humble. My heart is impatiently waiting for that. My heart is disappointed that he's choosing not to get a sponsor at this time.
My heart is feeling so sad that when I told him I can't talk about his treatment and recovery, he kept talking. My heart wants him to respect me so badly. My heart wants him to feel remorse. My heart wants to share the miracle of my son.
.
I feel protective of myself though. If he doesn't like, respect or love me, that's his right. It's my right to not be around people who don't respect, like, or love me. I don't like being around people who say that I'm bugging them. I want to be around people who think I'm fun and smart and lovable. I want to be around grateful, gracious people. It's Step 1 all over again trying to accept that he's not on my team
I get pretty anxious about the financial piece of this. I am SO FAR BEHIND on several payments now. It seems like it's going to take months to level out. I'm so angry about the lying. I know I can work more, but that means more money spent on childcare. I'm afraid of losing quality time with DS. I want to figure out how to do this so that if X does lose his job, DS and I will be fine.
I'm mad and anxious too that I have no time to myself when I either supervise a visit or they don't get one. I seriously love my son and I don't want to work more and miss out on him, but the 8-10 hours each week that he is with his dad (when there is a "supervisor") are priceless. Those hours are my only time to work on journaling, cleaning without interruption, the court docs, taking a relaxing shower, possibly getting resumes done up and printed out. Unless I lose sleep, that's my limited time.
I'm feeling kind of defeated and that is not good for someone who wants to make her life better, get a new job, relax and enjoy life.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lightinside....I am very glad to hear that you are honoring your own reality...and, not lapping his up like a hungry kitten. As long as you stay on this track I know that you are going to be o.k......not JUST o.k., but to thrive!
I went back to an intensive medical school program (physician assistant) as a single mother with 3 young children and barely a penny of child support. Where there is a will, there is a way. I say this to encourage you. You would be shocked at what single mothers with children have done--in the most dire of circumstances.
You have more courage and strength than you imagine that you do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
I went back to an intensive medical school program (physician assistant) as a single mother with 3 young children and barely a penny of child support. Where there is a will, there is a way. I say this to encourage you. You would be shocked at what single mothers with children have done--in the most dire of circumstances.
You have more courage and strength than you imagine that you do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by dandylion 
as a single mother with 3 young children and barely a penny of child support. Where there is a will, there is a way. I say this to encourage you. You would be shocked at what single mothers with children have done--in the most dire of circumstances.
You have more courage and strength than you imagine that you do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
You have more courage and strength than you imagine that you do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Let your anger be your motivator. I know it's hard, unfair, not what you signed up for. Bottom line, it sucks. But you can come through it beautifully!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
I have to stop myself all the time from being supportive and encouraging to him. Like right now, I know he's stressed about money. I want to be like, "Hang in there, babe." I want him to know that I don't blame him for having his disease, just a lot of the decisions he makes (part of the disease, I know). I'm purposely cool to him, even though I want to be loving. I know I just make myself vulnerable when I act warm to him, because I still want reciprocation. At least I stop myself. It's not that I'm cold or mean, just as business-like as I can possibly be.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lightinside...Actually no, I don't remember feeling that. While they were still young, they were in school and I had been a working mother, anyway. So, the change was not dramatic for them. I still managed to spend a lot of time with them and do a lot of things with them. I had an excellent daycare arrangement set up. They actually talk about the fun times we had, back then.
During that program time, I received assistance from the state for housing and daycare as well as food stamps. I had been an RN before, but, nurses didn't make that much money, at that time and my ex-husband gave almost zero child support...not even enough for to cover school lunches for a month!! Plus, he was very l ittle help in any other way. I knew it was All up to me.
dandylion
During that program time, I received assistance from the state for housing and daycare as well as food stamps. I had been an RN before, but, nurses didn't make that much money, at that time and my ex-husband gave almost zero child support...not even enough for to cover school lunches for a month!! Plus, he was very l ittle help in any other way. I knew it was All up to me.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
So funny how many codie nurses there are. I was once at a meeting and all these nurses were sharing. When I shared, I started with, "My name is LI and I'm a nurse..." I feel fortunate that I already have the nursing credentials (RN), but my ideal job will most likely necessitate going back to school for the BSN. It's not like I'm drifting around with no skills. I have options. Just depression and low self esteem too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I understand the hopelessness feeling and that all things rest on your shoulders. I want you to know you can do it. It feels like you cant and things may look grim but have some faith in yourself. You are bettering yourself. You are giving yourself the tools you need to be more independent and provide and not rely on your ex. Take things one day at a time and do not allow him in your mind.
I have been through so much as a single mother ans although separated AH helps financially, it is not the same as if I has the support of a full time loving husband. At times I am just waiting to get paid to put gas in my car and kids eating pb&j...but I cannot allow those thoughts in my head. I do the best I can each day!! Just as I am sure you will too!! One day at a time...
I have been through so much as a single mother ans although separated AH helps financially, it is not the same as if I has the support of a full time loving husband. At times I am just waiting to get paid to put gas in my car and kids eating pb&j...but I cannot allow those thoughts in my head. I do the best I can each day!! Just as I am sure you will too!! One day at a time...
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