Just looking for closure
Just looking for closure
Hi everyone,
This is my first post on this forum, or any other place for that matter. I've found myself stuck in a bad situation due to my addict, now (ex) boyfriend, and my choice to move across the country with him. I'm just looking for some insight to help me move on...
We dated for about two years in high school, ended by me dumping him because of his emotional abuse and moving on to college. Years went by with no contact, we reconnected last spring around when he went on probation for an unlicensed firearm charge (bc he was high on pills) and didn't care. He smoked a good amount of pot, but had not done anything heavier in months. I even occasionally smoked with him until he was officially on probation. I have not touched anything since, its not really my thing, and he had supposedly stopped as well.
All was well until February this year when I realized he was getting high again on coke, morphine, and pot. He had been unemployed since October, and was always asking me for money to "work on his car". He was all tears and apologies, deleting all his dealer contacts and looking for a job again.
I've wanted to move out of PA for a long time and he claimed he wanted a fresh start. After a million more lies and manipulations on his part, he ended up in a rehab facility around where we moved in May. He seemed to be doing better, productive, getting on medication for his adult Adhd, until just recently again.
After moving across the country, mooching money from myself and his parents, he suddenly decides life is too hard and he's moving back to PA where he can get high again and not deal with any consequences. He's still lying, saying that's not the reason, but I've found his dealers numbers again written down. He took all my money in my purse ($250), he owes me thousands of dollars, my trust is completely shattered, I feel like an idiot left high and dry (without the high part). I still care about him, but he's admitted he's too selfish to have a normal relationship. I'm trying to move on, but its hard when I don't know anyone in the area and am not sure if I will be able to afford the rent now living alone. I just moved again 3 weeks ago to a smaller apartment so it's a very trying time in my life regardless. I guess I was still holding onto false hope that he would grow up and start thinking about those who care about him. He just passed a drug test for work, it seems to be a psychological problem. His meds do not make him "feel good enough". I do see now that I've been manipulated once again, and I've done the best I can to give him support, but I will not continue enabling him.
Sorry for the long post, I appreciate any advice
This is my first post on this forum, or any other place for that matter. I've found myself stuck in a bad situation due to my addict, now (ex) boyfriend, and my choice to move across the country with him. I'm just looking for some insight to help me move on...
We dated for about two years in high school, ended by me dumping him because of his emotional abuse and moving on to college. Years went by with no contact, we reconnected last spring around when he went on probation for an unlicensed firearm charge (bc he was high on pills) and didn't care. He smoked a good amount of pot, but had not done anything heavier in months. I even occasionally smoked with him until he was officially on probation. I have not touched anything since, its not really my thing, and he had supposedly stopped as well.
All was well until February this year when I realized he was getting high again on coke, morphine, and pot. He had been unemployed since October, and was always asking me for money to "work on his car". He was all tears and apologies, deleting all his dealer contacts and looking for a job again.
I've wanted to move out of PA for a long time and he claimed he wanted a fresh start. After a million more lies and manipulations on his part, he ended up in a rehab facility around where we moved in May. He seemed to be doing better, productive, getting on medication for his adult Adhd, until just recently again.
After moving across the country, mooching money from myself and his parents, he suddenly decides life is too hard and he's moving back to PA where he can get high again and not deal with any consequences. He's still lying, saying that's not the reason, but I've found his dealers numbers again written down. He took all my money in my purse ($250), he owes me thousands of dollars, my trust is completely shattered, I feel like an idiot left high and dry (without the high part). I still care about him, but he's admitted he's too selfish to have a normal relationship. I'm trying to move on, but its hard when I don't know anyone in the area and am not sure if I will be able to afford the rent now living alone. I just moved again 3 weeks ago to a smaller apartment so it's a very trying time in my life regardless. I guess I was still holding onto false hope that he would grow up and start thinking about those who care about him. He just passed a drug test for work, it seems to be a psychological problem. His meds do not make him "feel good enough". I do see now that I've been manipulated once again, and I've done the best I can to give him support, but I will not continue enabling him.
Sorry for the long post, I appreciate any advice
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 14
Hey,
Sorry to hear about your situation.
My situation is different from yours, but same as far as addict ex boyfriend goes. The feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment etc are all very normal when healing up from these kind of things. It's a roller coaster. Worry, anger, upset and sadness, even panic are normal too and they will come and go for a while. I don't know how recently you guys split up, but I'm a few months down the line and the strong negative feelings and thoughts have mostly stopped. I miss him and I'm sad, but I'm seeing more sense. I think you can get to that stage too; just try to sit through it and move forward little by little. Most importantly; allow the thoughts and feelings to come and go. They are normal and they will pass. You will grow as a person and you will have a great life!
Sorry to hear about your situation.
My situation is different from yours, but same as far as addict ex boyfriend goes. The feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment etc are all very normal when healing up from these kind of things. It's a roller coaster. Worry, anger, upset and sadness, even panic are normal too and they will come and go for a while. I don't know how recently you guys split up, but I'm a few months down the line and the strong negative feelings and thoughts have mostly stopped. I miss him and I'm sad, but I'm seeing more sense. I think you can get to that stage too; just try to sit through it and move forward little by little. Most importantly; allow the thoughts and feelings to come and go. They are normal and they will pass. You will grow as a person and you will have a great life!
He can find recovery without you and maybe sooner, as he wont have your money to work off of.
I can imagine it smarts, and you hurt for him, but enough is enough.
what do you want to do with your life, dear?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
Hi there Daisy and welcome too. (Although I'm not happy you're here, we'd all be better off if we didn't need to be here.)
Please, please don't blame or kick yourself. You did what you did out of the most unselfish motives and just because you feel silly now guess what? we all, every one of us, feel silly once in a while. Living with an addict is an irrational situation that very often has no right answers. You couldn't figure out the correct thing to do because there wasn't one.
However, with that said - perhaps you want to do some deep thinking about what led you to re-connect with your bf notwithstanding all the red flags and negative history (history that went back years and years, according to your post). Sometimes people connect with bad or harmful folks because they feel responsible, or because they feel it's "the best they can do" or for other reasons from their own past (trying to fix an alcoholic parent, for instance). It might be good to work on the "why" question for yourself, so you can figure out how to make it so this doesn't keep happening. Again - not to assign ANY degree of "fault" to you, but just to suggest that now might be a good time to work on you and on going forward and finding the sane and healthy life partner you deserve.
Best wishes,
Jane
Please, please don't blame or kick yourself. You did what you did out of the most unselfish motives and just because you feel silly now guess what? we all, every one of us, feel silly once in a while. Living with an addict is an irrational situation that very often has no right answers. You couldn't figure out the correct thing to do because there wasn't one.
However, with that said - perhaps you want to do some deep thinking about what led you to re-connect with your bf notwithstanding all the red flags and negative history (history that went back years and years, according to your post). Sometimes people connect with bad or harmful folks because they feel responsible, or because they feel it's "the best they can do" or for other reasons from their own past (trying to fix an alcoholic parent, for instance). It might be good to work on the "why" question for yourself, so you can figure out how to make it so this doesn't keep happening. Again - not to assign ANY degree of "fault" to you, but just to suggest that now might be a good time to work on you and on going forward and finding the sane and healthy life partner you deserve.
Best wishes,
Jane
Hey,
Sorry to hear about your situation.
My situation is different from yours, but same as far as addict ex boyfriend goes. The feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment etc are all very normal when healing up from these kind of things. It's a roller coaster. Worry, anger, upset and sadness, even panic are normal too and they will come and go for a while. I don't know how recently you guys split up, but I'm a few months down the line and the strong negative feelings and thoughts have mostly stopped. I miss him and I'm sad, but I'm seeing more sense. I think you can get to that stage too; just try to sit through it and move forward little by little. Most importantly; allow the thoughts and feelings to come and go. They are normal and they will pass. You will grow as a person and you will have a great life!
Sorry to hear about your situation.
My situation is different from yours, but same as far as addict ex boyfriend goes. The feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment etc are all very normal when healing up from these kind of things. It's a roller coaster. Worry, anger, upset and sadness, even panic are normal too and they will come and go for a while. I don't know how recently you guys split up, but I'm a few months down the line and the strong negative feelings and thoughts have mostly stopped. I miss him and I'm sad, but I'm seeing more sense. I think you can get to that stage too; just try to sit through it and move forward little by little. Most importantly; allow the thoughts and feelings to come and go. They are normal and they will pass. You will grow as a person and you will have a great life!
He always thought I would go text my friends to complain about him every time we fought, but the truth I told him was that I was too embarrassed to admit to everyone that nothing changed. I didn't listen to anyone the first two times when they said to run. We just split this week. I'm glad that you've been able to stay strong, it's much more difficult than it ever sounds, I give you much respect for that. I hope you find happiness not only with yourself, but as well as in someone else when the time comes. Thanks for the input!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post what was going on with you and the addict in your life.
The topic of your post is closure, which attracted my attention because I've come to believe that closure, when an addict is involved, is a fool's errand. The idea of closure is nice, but it also assumes that both parties are mature and responsible. Your AXBF's behavior and character betrays that he is neither of those things. But you know this:
Sums things up rather nicely, doesn't it?
What I encourage you to do is think of your experience with him as a learning experience. And by that I mean look at your choices and decisions honestly. Look at why you made the decisions that you did regarding him. And then move on...without him.
Having been through the wringer with an addict, and having read a ton of posts here, I can tell you with a high degree of certainty your AXBF will not change. And that's because to get a handle on addiction is a lot of work. Being honest with one's self can be brutally difficult. For an addict, it's especially difficult, and most of them don't want to invest in that sort of hard work. It's too hard.
My hope is that you stick around for a while and read as many posts as you can so you can get a better understand on what exactly you're up against. Learn as much as you can. And again, Welcome to the Board.
The topic of your post is closure, which attracted my attention because I've come to believe that closure, when an addict is involved, is a fool's errand. The idea of closure is nice, but it also assumes that both parties are mature and responsible. Your AXBF's behavior and character betrays that he is neither of those things. But you know this:
he suddenly decides life is too hard and he's moving back to PA where he can get high again and not deal with any consequences.
What I encourage you to do is think of your experience with him as a learning experience. And by that I mean look at your choices and decisions honestly. Look at why you made the decisions that you did regarding him. And then move on...without him.
Having been through the wringer with an addict, and having read a ton of posts here, I can tell you with a high degree of certainty your AXBF will not change. And that's because to get a handle on addiction is a lot of work. Being honest with one's self can be brutally difficult. For an addict, it's especially difficult, and most of them don't want to invest in that sort of hard work. It's too hard.
My hope is that you stick around for a while and read as many posts as you can so you can get a better understand on what exactly you're up against. Learn as much as you can. And again, Welcome to the Board.
Oh, Daisy, just consider it a lesson well learned, and move on. Life is waiting for you, and staying in the bus to He!! with him won't get you anywhere good.
He can find recovery without you and maybe sooner, as he wont have your money to work off of.
I can imagine it smarts, and you hurt for him, but enough is enough.
what do you want to do with your life, dear?
He can find recovery without you and maybe sooner, as he wont have your money to work off of.
I can imagine it smarts, and you hurt for him, but enough is enough.
what do you want to do with your life, dear?
I'm really trying to look at it that way, not as a loss, but an experience to gain some form of wisdom or perspective. I agree, better to cut my losses than continue funding his sorry behind, it's better for everyone. His parents need to put their foot down, however if he's going to get clean. Right now I'd really just like to settle into a place and get my own priorities straight (I feel like he was a huge distraction to the process). Then possibly go back to school again in a few years, as I really feel I could have used college to my advantage more. I do have a degree, its just in something I have absolutely no interest in, for the sake of getting a certificate.
Hi there Daisy and welcome too. (Although I'm not happy you're here, we'd all be better off if we didn't need to be here.)
Please, please don't blame or kick yourself. You did what you did out of the most unselfish motives and just because you feel silly now guess what? we all, every one of us, feel silly once in a while. Living with an addict is an irrational situation that very often has no right answers. You couldn't figure out the correct thing to do because there wasn't one.
However, with that said - perhaps you want to do some deep thinking about what led you to re-connect with your bf notwithstanding all the red flags and negative history (history that went back years and years, according to your post). Sometimes people connect with bad or harmful folks because they feel responsible, or because they feel it's "the best they can do" or for other reasons from their own past (trying to fix an alcoholic parent, for instance). It might be good to work on the "why" question for yourself, so you can figure out how to make it so this doesn't keep happening. Again - not to assign ANY degree of "fault" to you, but just to suggest that now might be a good time to work on you and on going forward and finding the sane and healthy life partner you deserve.
Best wishes,
Jane
Please, please don't blame or kick yourself. You did what you did out of the most unselfish motives and just because you feel silly now guess what? we all, every one of us, feel silly once in a while. Living with an addict is an irrational situation that very often has no right answers. You couldn't figure out the correct thing to do because there wasn't one.
However, with that said - perhaps you want to do some deep thinking about what led you to re-connect with your bf notwithstanding all the red flags and negative history (history that went back years and years, according to your post). Sometimes people connect with bad or harmful folks because they feel responsible, or because they feel it's "the best they can do" or for other reasons from their own past (trying to fix an alcoholic parent, for instance). It might be good to work on the "why" question for yourself, so you can figure out how to make it so this doesn't keep happening. Again - not to assign ANY degree of "fault" to you, but just to suggest that now might be a good time to work on you and on going forward and finding the sane and healthy life partner you deserve.
Best wishes,
Jane
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post what was going on with you and the addict in your life.
The topic of your post is closure, which attracted my attention because I've come to believe that closure, when an addict is involved, is a fool's errand. The idea of closure is nice, but it also assumes that both parties are mature and responsible. Your AXBF's behavior and character betrays that he is neither of those things. But you know this:
Sums things up rather nicely, doesn't it?
What I encourage you to do is think of your experience with him as a learning experience. And by that I mean look at your choices and decisions honestly. Look at why you made the decisions that you did regarding him. And then move on...without him.
Having been through the wringer with an addict, and having read a ton of posts here, I can tell you with a high degree of certainty your AXBF will not change. And that's because to get a handle on addiction is a lot of work. Being honest with one's self can be brutally difficult. For an addict, it's especially difficult, and most of them don't want to invest in that sort of hard work. It's too hard.
My hope is that you stick around for a while and read as many posts as you can so you can get a better understand on what exactly you're up against. Learn as much as you can. And again, Welcome to the Board.
The topic of your post is closure, which attracted my attention because I've come to believe that closure, when an addict is involved, is a fool's errand. The idea of closure is nice, but it also assumes that both parties are mature and responsible. Your AXBF's behavior and character betrays that he is neither of those things. But you know this:
Sums things up rather nicely, doesn't it?
What I encourage you to do is think of your experience with him as a learning experience. And by that I mean look at your choices and decisions honestly. Look at why you made the decisions that you did regarding him. And then move on...without him.
Having been through the wringer with an addict, and having read a ton of posts here, I can tell you with a high degree of certainty your AXBF will not change. And that's because to get a handle on addiction is a lot of work. Being honest with one's self can be brutally difficult. For an addict, it's especially difficult, and most of them don't want to invest in that sort of hard work. It's too hard.
My hope is that you stick around for a while and read as many posts as you can so you can get a better understand on what exactly you're up against. Learn as much as you can. And again, Welcome to the Board.
Daisy,
if you want to learn, you can read" Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty. It is great, and a favorite here at SR.
Also, we have the 'stickies' which you can find when you click on "friends and family of substance abusers", and they will be the articles at the top, before the posts begin. There are lots of interesting reads there for you, to help you. Learn all you can about addiction and things become more clear.
best wishes, keep posting and don't blame yourself. you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it... the 3 C's.
if you want to learn, you can read" Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty. It is great, and a favorite here at SR.
Also, we have the 'stickies' which you can find when you click on "friends and family of substance abusers", and they will be the articles at the top, before the posts begin. There are lots of interesting reads there for you, to help you. Learn all you can about addiction and things become more clear.
best wishes, keep posting and don't blame yourself. you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it... the 3 C's.
For a Codie "closure" usually = not ready to give it up yet.
I think working on YOU and understanding your codependency will certainly help you gain closure with this relationship and better prepare you for your next one.
As someone on here once said...red flags are not party favors. Learning about those red flags will help guide you better when moving on and going forward.
We do better when we know better.
I think working on YOU and understanding your codependency will certainly help you gain closure with this relationship and better prepare you for your next one.
As someone on here once said...red flags are not party favors. Learning about those red flags will help guide you better when moving on and going forward.
We do better when we know better.
I would recommend going No Contact. He is obviously (by his own admission), a toxic person. You may want to seek out Celebrate Recovery or Naranon, you would find great support there. You cannot change the past, however you can choose a productive and happy future for yourself. It's the choices you make now that will affect your future, so make sure they are good ones. Chalk up the past to a learning experience.
SR is a wonderful support and I hope you keep coming back! You are not alone!
SR is a wonderful support and I hope you keep coming back! You are not alone!
HI and welcome to the forum. Many great people here with lots of wisdom, advice and support. Im sorry for what brought you here but please know all of us can probably say we have done things we wished we didnt, change some of our decisions from the past and taken care of things much quicker than we did. The thing is, that is in your past and you cannot change it and looking back and beating yourself up certainly will not help you. I agree with everyone that looking at it from a learning perspective and trying to figure out why you went back, stayed as long as you did etc would be a helpful way of making sure you do not do these same things again.
The book by Melanie Beattie is very helpful. I saw myself in there through the entire book. There are some stickies at the top of the forum that are also full of tips for you.
I applaud your strength to stay where you are and move on. Whether a person is an addict or not, we still love them. I hope you can find whatever it is you wish to do and continue on and make sure to take good care of YOU. It is a very hard lesson learned. Hugs.
The book by Melanie Beattie is very helpful. I saw myself in there through the entire book. There are some stickies at the top of the forum that are also full of tips for you.
I applaud your strength to stay where you are and move on. Whether a person is an addict or not, we still love them. I hope you can find whatever it is you wish to do and continue on and make sure to take good care of YOU. It is a very hard lesson learned. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 21
Not a lot to add, and 'closure' is something I'm struggling with myself and my RAxGF. But I read this today, and this post seemed an appropriate place to share:
“Some chapters just have to close without closure. You can’t lose yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay broken.” ~ Trent Shelton
“Some chapters just have to close without closure. You can’t lose yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay broken.” ~ Trent Shelton
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I understand the lessons learned are very difficult. When your head and heart don't match up....and everything/everybody (logically) is telling your to leave but emotionally you are still wanting to stay!!!
However, there is nothing but heartbreak when you are with an active addict. They all lie. They all are selfish. The drug leaves them no other choice...unless they get/stay sober. However, sobriety doesn't guarantee a decent human being.
Better to move forward and disconnect. He has many miles to go.
However, there is nothing but heartbreak when you are with an active addict. They all lie. They all are selfish. The drug leaves them no other choice...unless they get/stay sober. However, sobriety doesn't guarantee a decent human being.
Better to move forward and disconnect. He has many miles to go.
Glad to read your post here and hope that you will keep posting.
It is very hard to get them out of our hearts...but they do not get better.
We can...however...and there are very wise posts and advice here.
I am working on it myself.
It is very hard to get them out of our hearts...but they do not get better.
We can...however...and there are very wise posts and advice here.
I am working on it myself.
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