Daisydaniels13

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on this forum, or any other place for that matter. I've found myself stuck in a bad situation due to my addict, now (ex) boyfriend, and my choice to move across the country with him. I'm just looking for some insight to help me move on...

We dated for about two years in high school, ended by me dumping him because of his emotional abuse and moving on to college. Years went by with no contact, we reconnected last spring around when he went on probation for an unlicensed firearm charge (bc he was high on pills) and didn't care. He smoked a good amount of pot, but had not done anything heavier in months. I even occasionally smoked with him until he was officially on probation. I have not touched anything since, its not really my thing, and he had supposedly stopped as well.

All was well until February this year when I realized he was getting high again on coke, morphine, and pot. He had been unemployed since October, and was always asking me for money to "work on his car". He was all tears and apologies, deleting all his dealer contacts and looking for a job again.

I've wanted to move out of PA for a long time and he claimed he wanted a fresh start. After a million more lies and manipulations on his part, he ended up in a rehab facility around where we moved in May. He seemed to be doing better, productive, getting on medication for his adult Adhd, until just recently again.

After moving across the country, mooching money from myself and his parents, he suddenly decides life is too hard and he's moving back to PA where he can get high again and not deal with any consequences. He's still lying, saying that's not the reason, but I've found his dealers numbers again written down. He took all my money in my purse ($250), he owes me thousands of dollars, my trust is completely shattered, I feel like an idiot left high and dry (without the high part). I still care about him, but he's admitted he's too selfish to have a normal relationship. I'm trying to move on, but its hard when I don't know anyone in the area and am not sure if I will be able to afford the rent now living alone. I just moved again 3 weeks ago to a smaller apartment so it's a very trying time in my life regardless. I guess I was still holding onto false hope that he would grow up and start thinking about those who care about him. He just passed a drug test for work, it seems to be a psychological problem. His meds do not make him "feel good enough". I do see now that I've been manipulated once again, and I've done the best I can to give him support, but I will not continue enabling him.

Sorry for the long post, I appreciate any advice

mejo

So did he move back to PA? I know it is hard, but someday you will look back and thank God you did not marry him and have kids with him. He did you a huge favor if he moved back to PA.

Daisydaniels13

Yes he did, and yes I am grateful for that. I'm just really kicking myself for all that I've done for him and the whole situation. Feel like I should have known better =/

Lohnes

Hey,

Sorry to hear about your situation.

My situation is different from yours, but same as far as addict ex boyfriend goes. The feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment etc are all very normal when healing up from these kind of things. It's a roller coaster. Worry, anger, upset and sadness, even panic are normal too and they will come and go for a while. I don't know how recently you guys split up, but I'm a few months down the line and the strong negative feelings and thoughts have mostly stopped. I miss him and I'm sad, but I'm seeing more sense. I think you can get to that stage too; just try to sit through it and move forward little by little. Most importantly; allow the thoughts and feelings to come and go. They are normal and they will pass. You will grow as a person and you will have a great life!

chicory

Oh, Daisy, just consider it a lesson well learned, and move on. Life is waiting for you, and staying in the bus to He!! with him won't get you anywhere good.

He can find recovery without you and maybe sooner, as he wont have your money to work off of.

I can imagine it smarts, and you hurt for him, but enough is enough.

what do you want to do with your life, dear?

lovetohikect

Hi there Daisy and welcome too. (Although I'm not happy you're here, we'd all be better off if we didn't need to be here.)

Please, please don't blame or kick yourself. You did what you did out of the most unselfish motives and just because you feel silly now guess what? we all, every one of us, feel silly once in a while. Living with an addict is an irrational situation that very often has no right answers. You couldn't figure out the correct thing to do because there wasn't one.

However, with that said - perhaps you want to do some deep thinking about what led you to re-connect with your bf notwithstanding all the red flags and negative history (history that went back years and years, according to your post). Sometimes people connect with bad or harmful folks because they feel responsible, or because they feel it's "the best they can do" or for other reasons from their own past (trying to fix an alcoholic parent, for instance). It might be good to work on the "why" question for yourself, so you can figure out how to make it so this doesn't keep happening. Again - not to assign ANY degree of "fault" to you, but just to suggest that now might be a good time to work on you and on going forward and finding the sane and healthy life partner you deserve.

Best wishes,

Jane

Daisydaniels13

He always thought I would go text my friends to complain about him every time we fought, but the truth I told him was that I was too embarrassed to admit to everyone that nothing changed. I didn't listen to anyone the first two times when they said to run. We just split this week. I'm glad that you've been able to stay strong, it's much more difficult than it ever sounds, I give you much respect for that. I hope you find happiness not only with yourself, but as well as in someone else when the time comes. Thanks for the input!

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post what was going on with you and the addict in your life.

The topic of your post is closure, which attracted my attention because I've come to believe that closure, when an addict is involved, is a fool's errand. The idea of closure is nice, but it also assumes that both parties are mature and responsible. Your AXBF's behavior and character betrays that he is neither of those things. But you know this:

Sums things up rather nicely, doesn't it?

What I encourage you to do is think of your experience with him as a learning experience. And by that I mean look at your choices and decisions honestly. Look at why you made the decisions that you did regarding him. And then move on...without him.

Having been through the wringer with an addict, and having read a ton of posts here, I can tell you with a high degree of certainty your AXBF will not change. And that's because to get a handle on addiction is a lot of work. Being honest with one's self can be brutally difficult. For an addict, it's especially difficult, and most of them don't want to invest in that sort of hard work. It's too hard.

My hope is that you stick around for a while and read as many posts as you can so you can get a better understand on what exactly you're up against. Learn as much as you can. And again, Welcome to the Board.

Daisydaniels13

I'm really trying to look at it that way, not as a loss, but an experience to gain some form of wisdom or perspective. I agree, better to cut my losses than continue funding his sorry behind, it's better for everyone. His parents need to put their foot down, however if he's going to get clean. Right now I'd really just like to settle into a place and get my own priorities straight (I feel like he was a huge distraction to the process). Then possibly go back to school again in a few years, as I really feel I could have used college to my advantage more. I do have a degree, its just in something I have absolutely no interest in, for the sake of getting a certificate.

Daisydaniels13

Hi there, I have often said to him that it is a situation where nobody can win, irrational is basically the perfect word to use. I suppose its about accepting what you can and can't have with that person, and if you are willing to give up on what can be and settle for what it is. I completely understand what you're getting at, and I was just musing to a friend last night why I seem to choose unstable relationships over a potentially really good one. Its not the first time I've dealt with someone who took lying to an extreme. I also have been told (and I agree) that I probably wouldn't know what to do if I was actually in a healthy relationship. My parents and my other ex (the one I dated in between the addict) are what I describe as very functional people- as in they work very well together yet there is no real chemistry, and that's how I felt about being with this man in between. It worked great, looked great, but it was too mechanical. Maybe I was trying to seek out the opposite? I'm not sure. The addict was also very convincing (as I'm sure they all are) that he had changed, was different, etc etc. And he was. But looking back it was honestly probably because he was stoned silly and couldn't even get angry, or because he was trying to prove something to me.

Daisydaniels13

Thank you, I really do appreciate everyone's input here, food for thought definitely. And I completely see your point. If it was an adult-breakup, he would not have taken my money, been completely irrational, and then blamed me as he left. Its like a child throwing a tantrum until he gets his candy, if he doesn't, he makes a scene...I'm really trying to be as honest with myself as I can here, I know that I shouldn't have taken him back. I know my friends were right when they said it was a huge mistake. I don't even know if I was being stubborn, I think I was wayyy more naive than I thought I ever could be. I'm THAT GIRL, putting up with my bf's crap, even though I had convinced myself that it was a one-and-done situation previously. I was an enabler, I DID lose any respect he may have remotely had for me, the first time I let him back in. I already know he cannot be honest with himself-its never his fault. He will occasionally have a breakthrough, but it lasts about an hour or so then he's blaming my dog or whatever else. He also has a lot of mental issues since childhood that were never diagnosed or treated correctly. His brother and 3 uncles are all alcoholics, I think the family is in denial. They consider 4-6 beers every weeknight "moderate drinking," terrible but I had to laugh a little when they told that to me. Anyway, I try to read anything I can get my hands on, knowing what goes on and being able to identify issues and look at them objectively is better than just taking his actions personally. Thank you again, I wish you the best

chicory

Daisy,
if you want to learn, you can read" Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty. It is great, and a favorite here at SR.
Also, we have the 'stickies' which you can find when you click on "friends and family of substance abusers", and they will be the articles at the top, before the posts begin. There are lots of interesting reads there for you, to help you. Learn all you can about addiction and things become more clear.

best wishes, keep posting and don't blame yourself. you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it... the 3 C's.

atalose

For a Codie "closure" usually = not ready to give it up yet.

I think working on YOU and understanding your codependency will certainly help you gain closure with this relationship and better prepare you for your next one.

As someone on here once said...red flags are not party favors. Learning about those red flags will help guide you better when moving on and going forward.

We do better when we know better.

hopeful4

I would recommend going No Contact. He is obviously (by his own admission), a toxic person. You may want to seek out Celebrate Recovery or Naranon, you would find great support there. You cannot change the past, however you can choose a productive and happy future for yourself. It's the choices you make now that will affect your future, so make sure they are good ones. Chalk up the past to a learning experience.

SR is a wonderful support and I hope you keep coming back! You are not alone!

needingabreak

HI and welcome to the forum. Many great people here with lots of wisdom, advice and support. Im sorry for what brought you here but please know all of us can probably say we have done things we wished we didnt, change some of our decisions from the past and taken care of things much quicker than we did. The thing is, that is in your past and you cannot change it and looking back and beating yourself up certainly will not help you. I agree with everyone that looking at it from a learning perspective and trying to figure out why you went back, stayed as long as you did etc would be a helpful way of making sure you do not do these same things again.
The book by Melanie Beattie is very helpful. I saw myself in there through the entire book. There are some stickies at the top of the forum that are also full of tips for you.

I applaud your strength to stay where you are and move on. Whether a person is an addict or not, we still love them. I hope you can find whatever it is you wish to do and continue on and make sure to take good care of YOU. It is a very hard lesson learned. Hugs.

HerbiceXXV

Not a lot to add, and 'closure' is something I'm struggling with myself and my RAxGF. But I read this today, and this post seemed an appropriate place to share:

“Some chapters just have to close without closure. You can’t lose yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay broken.” ~ Trent Shelton

Txhelp

I understand the lessons learned are very difficult. When your head and heart don't match up....and everything/everybody (logically) is telling your to leave but emotionally you are still wanting to stay!!!

However, there is nothing but heartbreak when you are with an active addict. They all lie. They all are selfish. The drug leaves them no other choice...unless they get/stay sober. However, sobriety doesn't guarantee a decent human being.

Better to move forward and disconnect. He has many miles to go.

irisgardens

Glad to read your post here and hope that you will keep posting.

It is very hard to get them out of our hearts...but they do not get better.

We can...however...and there are very wise posts and advice here.

I am working on it myself.