hokey

... not a good combination. I'm having a very difficult time finding serenity and peace right now. And to be honest, thoughts of drinking have been on my mind for the last week ... no ... "thoughts of" is wrong, I've been obsessing about drinking more and more each day. I know that it's the AV, I know where it will end, I know it won't help ... I know all of this and yet, I almost don't care. I feel like I've misplaced my sobriety tools and cannot find them again. I haven't picked up a drink and I attend meetings every night and I come here and read. I talk to my sponsor, I share at meetings, I read books about alcoholism and sobriety, I pray for guidance, I try so damn hard to let go of things I can't control, I try to be accepting and understanding. But it feels like my "plan" is written in a foreign language and I just can't grasp it right now. Call it falling off the pink cloud or whatever, all I know is that I am struggling right now to regain my strength and maintain my sobriety. Tomorrow will be eight weeks (and it will because I will not drink today) and a new day will begin ... hopefully looking a little brighter than it does right now.

Julie59

Keep your strength up Holly ... you can do it..... and I so admire you..... I to would dearly love to find some peace and serenity in my life.....an to let go of things that I just cant change......

You'll push through this the day... and the next ...and the next

ANewDayNYC

Eight weeks is great -- keep up the great work, you are in control

sobercalmwishes

Gosh Holly, I love your honesty! I am too new to this to comment, but I would say that maybe working on something other than recovery might help? I did that one time. I did the meetings, the sponsor, all the footwork and I was even more depressed than normal when I should have been happy about my 60 days. Instead, it felt like it was never enough and my whole life was my meetings and raising my family at a very thankless stage of life. Had I dreamed more then, I may have kept sober. But it was all work work work work work work work. 8 WEEKS IS FANTASTIC!!!! Life in general is very hard and boring and painful and tedious and icky. Can you get an new hairdo? Go for a giant walk? break out a little? do something to change things up a bit so you're not so focused on "to drink or not to drink...that is the question....." Do something crazy and take up tennis or go to the library and read something strange.........I don't know. I don't know you. All I know is that my sobriety has been more comfortable feeling when I just took it for what it was, "I don't want to drink anymore" and got on with life instead of dissecting it over and over again. Please take what I said that you like and leave the rest behind because I am just a frail struggling human like you, and I assure you my heart is with you, and this is the best have to offer right now, including being here right now, and I'm glad you're here too.

Nuudawn

I think you're onto something there Sobercalm... Hokey sometimes we have to ensure we're getting enough "play" in our lives too. Sometimes "recovery" work starts to overwhelm us. I've been checking out AA meetings for the last couple weeks. I have left two now where I felt better before I went. There are inklings I know I have to pull back some. I get a lot of support here...and sometimes too much is simply too much recovery. Although I love that meetings get me out and about... I just don't feel the same resonance and sobriety liberty that I do here.

Anyways, today I had a GREAT day with my dad. Sobriety gave me that. Since I seem to be a bit lost with what to do with the leisure time I used to drink in...I actually made plans to spend the day with my Dad. Oh my gosh...I can't remember the last time I did that. Um...ya..I can't. We have dinner occasionally but today I took him into the city to the Horse races..and it was a good day. Really good.

I'm grateful that sobriety gave me that today. It had nothing to do with recovery work...it was just something sobriety gave me.

hokey

I was actually excitedly planning my vacation in August to go visit my two grown sons, but I realized that I can't be away from work at that time and have had to cancel my holidays again (just did this at the beginning of July because of work commitments). After a long, awful month it was just the last straw I guess. Now I won't see them until end of September ... and I just miss them. Having a little pity-party I guess. Thanks for your responses

hokey

I do agree that I need to focus on other things though ... thanks for that Sobercalm

sobercalmwishes

Thats not a pity party Holly that is a true and real disappointment to not be able to do that. I feel for you. Praying for you to find joy in storms and frustrations, and to savor moments and see that you are and have been way much more than all of this all along.

Dee74

I think disappointment is a hard one to deal with Holly - but you can, and you will, and it will get easier

Might be good to commit to daily posting for a while though - join a Class of thread or the 24 hour recovery connection thread?

it's good to be 'grounded' when we fear we might fly away

D

afloatsober

Is there somebody at the meetings that you go to that you could go out of your way to be helpful to?
I find that doing this sometimes gives me a break from meeeee,me,me and helps with my gratitude.
Just sharing my experience.
G

hokey

Thanks Dee I love that. And so appropriate for the way I am feeling ... I am a little "lost at sea" emotionally and spiritually right now. Like my recovery tools have been scattered about and I am desperately trying to gather them up. But everytime I find one and use it, I seem to drop another one. I think my toolbox has a hole in it! I need to find the hole and patch it up, but I just don't have the energy right now. So I'm plodding along, staying sober, one day at a time (or one hour or one minute at a time).

biminiblue

I had to let go of the Sobriety Perfection card.

I liked AA and the repetitive message in the beginning.

Like Nuudawn, I went to lots of different meetings around town. In the end, also like Nuu, I found that I would rarely feel as good leaving a meeting as I did when I got there. So I cut back on trying to do it perfectly. That helped a lot. The only part I absolutely had to get right was not drinking.

If I get the disappoints or the sads, I start to make plans to take a drive or a hike, or I call someone. Sitting with sad never ends well, I do best to distract myself. How about volunteering?

Nuudawn

Amen. By whatever means possible.

hokey

Volunteering is a lovely idea and would probably help me get out of myself, but I've been working 10-12 hour days, six days a week for the last month and simply do not have the time, energy, or motivation to do so. I think my main problems are exhaustion from work and disappointment that I have had to postpone the only thing in life that has meaning for me .... going to see my boys ... twice now in the last month. Timing is of the essence when planning to visit my youngest and I'm not sure if it will work out when I finally do get time off work. I live in bc, he lives in alberta (a different province for those of you outside canada ... he's a 14 hour drive away), he works a camp job with a 3 week on, one week off rotation and I never know if he'll be home when I finally do have my vacation time. It's a little more complicated than my original pity-pot sounded. The bottom line is, I need to figure out how to deal with these kinds of disappointments without getting supremely frustrated and turning to the bottle. It's hard ... I miss them terribly.

Nuudawn

Oh my...far too much with no support at arm's length. How long must this kind of schedule continue? Where is the time for you...for rest...for laughter...for love..for play?

This really needs to be addressed. Can it be?

Mags1

(((Holly))),I hope you find some peace and rest soon.

I found my emotions up and down when I became sober and as you recognised, old AV is always there ready to rock the boat, trip you up when we are vulnerable. Keep visiting the forum and reading and posting, it really does help.

I hope you get to see your sons soon.xx

hokey

Not at this time Nuu, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's a little ways off still.

Nuudawn

Holly..given what's going on, it is no wonder you are struggling friend. Please know that what you are feeling is VALID...your emotional resources are depleted..everything is out of balance.
Please give yourself permission to feel crappy about it. You deserve to do something's for yourself. Can you schedule a massage? Whatever time you can scrape up for yourself you need to spend some time pampering, babying, nurturing you!

How long away is that light? How long do you have to work 12 hours a day 6 days a week?? It's too much to ask of soul and expect them to be happy and light. You NEED time for you wonderful woman!!!

hokey

Thanks Nuu
I'm off today and I am going to spend time with my horses, my other babies . Aside from my sons, they are what give me joy and peace. Just being around them is good for my soul. It's my therapy.

Jackandbess2

Dee, I am new and want to join a class of thread or the 24 hour recovery connection thread but not being very good on these computers I'm not sure how to get onto them. Please can you help?