She died
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
She died
I haven't been here much over the last few years as life had more or less settled down into a routine. My ex continued to drift in and out of the lives of our children depending on whether she was drunk or sober and, as they are now entering their teen years, they were more vocal about when and how they wanted to see their mother. I can't say I was completely insulated from the roller-coaster; I think when you share children with an alcoholic you can never be entirely immune to the effects of their alcoholism. But there was at least some semblance of predictability about things plus a lot of familiarity.
Last autumn she dropped out of contact. Same old, same old and we got on with our lives as best we could. She popped up again at Christmas and I agreed that she could come round for a little while to see the kids. She looked awful and it turned out she'd been in hospital for a while although she didn't say why. But even that was part of the cycle - she'd be sober, then she'd drink, she'd drop out of contact and then detox in hospital and back to sober. It wasn't healthy but it was familiar.
She was then sober again, and saw the children every now and then which they enjoyed. Then a couple of months ago after a couple of drunken phone calls she dropped out of contact. Same old, same old...
And then on a Monday evening a couple of weeks ago I got a knock on the door. Two police officers were there. They invited themselves in and told me that my ex, the mother of my children, had been found dead in her home.
Telling my children that their mother had died stands out, without question, as the hardest thing I have ever had to do. In second place comes having to then call my ex's sister and telling her as well.
From what I've been able to piece together since it seems that when my ex was in hospital before Christmas she had been very dangerously ill with damage to a number of her organs from her alcoholism. She had been told that if she drank again it would be very serious. And so it was. A small mercy is that there was every indication she died quickly, peacefully and painlessly in her sleep.
Her death has left me reeling. I didn't like being in proximity to her alcoholism and the effects it had on my life but I can't deny there was a familiarity there. We first got together in the 90s. We split up nearly ten years ago but she was always still there in my life because, well, she had to be. She was the mother of my children. Most of my adult life has been affected by the tides and storms of her alcoholism. Battening down the hatches and bracing myself for the next turn of the tide was "normal". Trying to find meaningful ways to co-parent with her was "normal". Wondering if she would be drunk or sober for the next call to the kids was "normal". Considering what her opinion would be of choices I made about the children was "normal".
All that "normal" has gone. The familiarity is broken. Even though I've been a lone parent for a long time now it suddenly feels even lonelier. There were times when she was terrible to me. Her habit of drifting in and out of our children's lives hurt them deeply. There were times when I wished she would just f**k off and die. And now she has.
She was beautiful, maddening, kind, aggressive, graceful, cruel, clever, thoughtless, giving and selfish. She was all those things and many more. which one you got at any moment all came down to alcohol. My own feelings are just as confused. I know that grief takes a long time and it will take even longer to unpick all my own thoughts. While I do I also have to support my children through something that no child should have to deal with.
Her funeral is in a few days time. I'm dreading it. She made a lot of friends through AA many of whom will be coming. And I'll be looking at these people with their years of sobriety under their belts and thinking "If you could do it, why couldn't she?"
Last autumn she dropped out of contact. Same old, same old and we got on with our lives as best we could. She popped up again at Christmas and I agreed that she could come round for a little while to see the kids. She looked awful and it turned out she'd been in hospital for a while although she didn't say why. But even that was part of the cycle - she'd be sober, then she'd drink, she'd drop out of contact and then detox in hospital and back to sober. It wasn't healthy but it was familiar.
She was then sober again, and saw the children every now and then which they enjoyed. Then a couple of months ago after a couple of drunken phone calls she dropped out of contact. Same old, same old...
And then on a Monday evening a couple of weeks ago I got a knock on the door. Two police officers were there. They invited themselves in and told me that my ex, the mother of my children, had been found dead in her home.
Telling my children that their mother had died stands out, without question, as the hardest thing I have ever had to do. In second place comes having to then call my ex's sister and telling her as well.
From what I've been able to piece together since it seems that when my ex was in hospital before Christmas she had been very dangerously ill with damage to a number of her organs from her alcoholism. She had been told that if she drank again it would be very serious. And so it was. A small mercy is that there was every indication she died quickly, peacefully and painlessly in her sleep.
Her death has left me reeling. I didn't like being in proximity to her alcoholism and the effects it had on my life but I can't deny there was a familiarity there. We first got together in the 90s. We split up nearly ten years ago but she was always still there in my life because, well, she had to be. She was the mother of my children. Most of my adult life has been affected by the tides and storms of her alcoholism. Battening down the hatches and bracing myself for the next turn of the tide was "normal". Trying to find meaningful ways to co-parent with her was "normal". Wondering if she would be drunk or sober for the next call to the kids was "normal". Considering what her opinion would be of choices I made about the children was "normal".
All that "normal" has gone. The familiarity is broken. Even though I've been a lone parent for a long time now it suddenly feels even lonelier. There were times when she was terrible to me. Her habit of drifting in and out of our children's lives hurt them deeply. There were times when I wished she would just f**k off and die. And now she has.
She was beautiful, maddening, kind, aggressive, graceful, cruel, clever, thoughtless, giving and selfish. She was all those things and many more. which one you got at any moment all came down to alcohol. My own feelings are just as confused. I know that grief takes a long time and it will take even longer to unpick all my own thoughts. While I do I also have to support my children through something that no child should have to deal with.
Her funeral is in a few days time. I'm dreading it. She made a lot of friends through AA many of whom will be coming. And I'll be looking at these people with their years of sobriety under their belts and thinking "If you could do it, why couldn't she?"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Mr B , this is so sad . I'm very sorry for your loss .
This could be any one of us mothers here and the reality of your post is poignant .
Thank you for sharing this at such an emotional time .
I feel very deeply for you .
This could have been me if i hadn't pulled my head in.
I have no doubt whatsoever that she loved her children , hence her continuos visits . She could never let them go completely and maybe that is what kept her going .
It's so tragic . I don't understand how some of us make it and some don't .
I'm sure she still loved you in her own way too . She must have been living with such guilt .
She is at peace from this insidious disease and I'm sure you will keep her good memories close .
I'm so , so very sorry for your loss xxxx
This could be any one of us mothers here and the reality of your post is poignant .
Thank you for sharing this at such an emotional time .
I feel very deeply for you .
This could have been me if i hadn't pulled my head in.
I have no doubt whatsoever that she loved her children , hence her continuos visits . She could never let them go completely and maybe that is what kept her going .
It's so tragic . I don't understand how some of us make it and some don't .
I'm sure she still loved you in her own way too . She must have been living with such guilt .
She is at peace from this insidious disease and I'm sure you will keep her good memories close .
I'm so , so very sorry for your loss xxxx
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mr. B.....this touches my heart, deeply. Please accept my heartfelt condolences.I pray that, over time, the pain that you and your children are suffering will be replaced by forgiveness and peace.
Do resist the draw to feel guilt. There is no call for it. The disease is unrepentant and you have done all that was humanly possible in this regard.
Sincerely,
dandylion
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am so very sorry, sorry for the life she made for herself and her family, sorry for how much she must have suffered over the years, and sorry for the loss of this person who you all loved dearly, the person underneath the addiction.
My heart and prayers go out for each of you. In time may the memories you keep be the ones of when she was sober, when she was well, when she was the person she was before alcohol claimed her.
She suffers no more, God bless her and keep her in His loving arms.
Hugs
My heart and prayers go out for each of you. In time may the memories you keep be the ones of when she was sober, when she was well, when she was the person she was before alcohol claimed her.
She suffers no more, God bless her and keep her in His loving arms.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'm just so sorry. I'm so choked up after reading your post, I don't know what to say. May she rest in peace, and may you and your children know that she really did love you, in her own way.
My dad died from alcoholism, I was the only one to forgive him. I really do hope you and your children are ok.
Thinking of you.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
My dad died from alcoholism, I was the only one to forgive him. I really do hope you and your children are ok.
Thinking of you.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
I'm so sorry, Mr. B. This is just so sad. As if her behaviors weren't enough for you to accept.. . This is such a baffling disease, as we say. I'm sorry
s happened. Squeeze your children extra tight .
s happened. Squeeze your children extra tight .
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I am sorry for you and your children's loss. From an AAer it breaks our hearts as well. To see one of our own lose to our deadly foe hurts because we are charged with trying to lead people to sobriety. We lead but it is up to the individual to follow.
Sadly many never follow and the horrible thing is there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it
Sadly many never follow and the horrible thing is there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
I am so sorry, Mr. B, for your tragic loss.
Alcoholism is insidious and merciless in nature. It brings heartache and destruction to the sufferer and, sadly, much of the same to the loved one's in his path. Why one person can escape its stranglehold and not another is a baffling and often unanswerable question.
Like Ann said, I believe your ex is now finally at peace. May you and your children find peace and comfort in each other and in the arms of your family and friends.
Alcoholism is insidious and merciless in nature. It brings heartache and destruction to the sufferer and, sadly, much of the same to the loved one's in his path. Why one person can escape its stranglehold and not another is a baffling and often unanswerable question.
Like Ann said, I believe your ex is now finally at peace. May you and your children find peace and comfort in each other and in the arms of your family and friends.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
What a beautiful post. I send you my heartfelt condolences.
In relationships with As we always want to fight for the "potential" and we wise up when we realize that the effort is fruitless, which is what you have done. But when it ends like this, I think we revert to that idea of "potential" and we grieve so much for "what could have been." At least that's what happened to me when my father died on the streets of the Bowery when he was 43 and I was 18. I think I grieved for decades, not just his loss, but for the father that I could have had if he had made different choices. I felt very cheated.
Grieving the life of an alcoholic is complicated, and filled with so many emotions that you have so beautifully expressed. I pray that you and your children find peace
In relationships with As we always want to fight for the "potential" and we wise up when we realize that the effort is fruitless, which is what you have done. But when it ends like this, I think we revert to that idea of "potential" and we grieve so much for "what could have been." At least that's what happened to me when my father died on the streets of the Bowery when he was 43 and I was 18. I think I grieved for decades, not just his loss, but for the father that I could have had if he had made different choices. I felt very cheated.
Grieving the life of an alcoholic is complicated, and filled with so many emotions that you have so beautifully expressed. I pray that you and your children find peace
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
