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I dont want to drink anymore.. my husband does.

Old 07-18-2014, 04:03 PM
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I dont want to drink anymore.. my husband does.

The back story- Me and my husband got married really young and had 3 kids by age 25. We have always enabled eachothers drinking and the whole marraige has been rocky to say the least. Drunken fights in front of our kids, duis, nights in jail and the list goes on. The last 2 years we have discussed separating more times than I can count and all because of drinking. I am NOT blaming my problem on him but I know if we werent together I would have quit a long time ago.

In the last couple months we've quit about 3 times. This time we made it 4 days, I have tried to talk to him everyday about not drinking and staying strong, how much money we'll save, how much better we can be for our kids etc but I can see the look on his face when it comes up.. no enthusiasm, its almost like my enthusiasm about it annoys him. Today he got off work and wanted to go to the store "we'll just drink a couple beers and clean the house do some yardwork etc" I said no. I cant drink anymore. I finally feel good about this. He went to the store anyway. I dont know what to do. I dont even really want advice, just venting. Im scared I'm gona have to leave him once and for all.. I have enough alcoholics in my family to know that I cant force him not to drink.. and if I stay I'm never going to quit.
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:09 PM
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Many people are able to stop and still live with a drinker.

I would have a hard time of it, but I see others make it work.

Try to take it one day at a time. Maybe he will follow suit, maybe not. I wish you well.
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:11 PM
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Your enthusiasm for not drinking annoys you. It would annoy me too.

Why do you have to drink if he drinks.
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:11 PM
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I'm sorry. Annoys him '
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:17 PM
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Hi Ready2beSober. Just for clarity, are/were both of you heavy drinkers? Who got the DUI's and spent nights in jail? One of you, both of you, or was it pretty much evenly split? If your husband says he's only gonna have a "couple" of beers, is it really a couple or is that just getting started? Is he able to keep it at a couple, consistently?
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:22 PM
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We are both equally heavy drinkers. He has multiple DUIs from the last few years, I had one also when I was younger. He's done some jail time for the latest one, I spent a night in jail for drunk in public when we went out a couple years ago.
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Raider View Post
Your enthusiasm for not drinking annoys you. It would annoy me too.

Why do you have to drink if he drinks.
I dont *have* to drink if he does. But there's a reason to get rid of all the liquor in the house when you decide to quit drinking.. having a fridge full of beer isnt easy 4 days after quitting drinking.. I have been staying as far away from alcohol as possible for the simple fact that I know my history and I dont trust myself yet.
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:38 PM
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Really great you are choosing to take care of yourself, not picking up the first drink, no matter what happens. Having alcohol in the home is not ideal, however, this is your journey to sobriety, maybe your spouse is not ready yet. Get some no - alcohol beverages for yourself (whatever you like, as long as no alcohol). Treat yourself kindly, think how much better you will feel and look not all hungover and sick. Take it one day at a time, log onto SR when an urge to drink strikes.
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:41 PM
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Ok fair enough. But I don't have to tell you that you can't cajole, tease, love or beg him into deciding sobriety. Good luck.
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:45 PM
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It's seems you really want to quit, which is great! I would focus on you and your sobriety. You may set an example for him.
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:46 PM
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My husband and I were equally heavy drinkers. I quit, but he continued to drink. It's challenging to quit when the other person is drinking but it's possible. Use the momentum from your enthusiasm to prepare for cravings - load up on non alcoholic treats, go to a separate part of the house, and put your effort into staying sober!
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:50 PM
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Hi ready2besober!

Congrats on deciding to quit! I can relate to your situation in so many ways.... Heavy drinking with your partner, drinking together from the beginning, enabling each other, drunken fighting, and living with someone who drinks every day while I'm quitting. It's so hard to watch other people drink and not have any. I get alcohol envy... Kind of like food envy lol. It's also frustrating dealing with someone whose rationality is impaired when yours is not anymore. Alcohol breath is a turnoff now that I actually notice it. And interestingly, now I can start to see where the fight would have begun, had I been drunk too.

You know that your husband might never quit. Maybe you could be a good influence on him but he has to want it for himself. If you keep trying to convince him, he will probably just want to drink that much more. So I would say just focus on YOU.

I've given up asking my partner to spend some sober time with me. All that I ask is that he not drink my favorite alcoholic beverages in the house. So he only drinks crappy beers that I hate and wouldn't want anyway. I'm strong enough not to be envious of those! Would something like that work for you?

Maybe you could distance yourself a little while as you recover? Spend more time with sober friends?

I've also noticed that my partner moderates better now that I'm sober. It's still not ideal and I know it won't change. It might not for you either... So it's important for people in our situation to set our priorities and think about whether we can live with an actively drinking alcoholic for the rest of our lives. It's a really tough decision.

I wish you the best!!
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Old 07-18-2014, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Ready2beSober View Post
We are both equally heavy drinkers. He has multiple DUIs from the last few years, I had one also when I was younger. He's done some jail time for the latest one, I spent a night in jail for drunk in public when we went out a couple years ago.
OK, so you both appear to be problem drinkers. I understand the difficulty of having alcohol in your house, especially early in your quit, but as it has been pointed out, if the other person isn't ready or interested in quitting when you are, you can't force the issue. If he was only quitting for your benefit, it wouldn't last. When you quit, it has to be for your sake first.

My ex-SO kept wine and beer in the house -we lived together for a while - but she was not a problem drinker. Once or twice she had more than what she should have, but the majority of the times she drank, which wasn't often, she only had a glass or 2 of wine. She "marked" her wine bottles and kept count of her beers to make sure I wasn't sneaking any. I don't even like wine, and there weren't enough beers to satisfy me. If she kept vodka in the house, that would have been much tougher.

I'm not sure what to tell you beyond just focusing on doing what you need to maintain your sobriety. He'll either come along or keep doing what he's doing, but it will have to be his choice either way. In the meantime, stick around here. You'll get tons of support. Best wishes!
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Old 07-18-2014, 05:05 PM
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I agree that it would be easier for you if your husband stopped drinking. But, you can stop drinking yourself, whether or not he's onboard. It might be a good idea to get some sober time yourself before you make any decisions about your relationship. I wish you well.
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Old 07-18-2014, 05:07 PM
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Hi Ready2beSober I live with a drinker too, and I know how hard it is for you, when it's in your face all the time. It took me a long time to figure out....I had to do it for ME....not think about his continued drinking, as much as I don't like it.

I've put together over 9 months, because I really want this, like you do. Until you really wrap your mind around the fact, this is about YOU, and not him, it will always be a struggle.

I can't even begin to tell you how much better I feel today. I've been making changes in my life, positive all the way. I will do whatever it takes not to go back to that living hell. The good thing, he's cut down, I just ignore it, when he choses to drink.

I've got my life to live. I refuse to waste another day with that dead end life.

Wishing you all the best with this, just know you're not alone with this. You can do this
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Old 07-18-2014, 05:14 PM
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Today IS National-Save-Your-Own-Ash-Day. Best Wishes! My wife quit 10 days after I did but I had left and was prepared to stay gone to stay sober. I came back after a week (wanted to see if she was serious) and things are good (a month later). Don't have any advice 'cept alcohol will kill you dead quickly--quitting is the best option.
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Old 07-18-2014, 05:30 PM
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It's harder to stay sober in a house with alcohol in it, but it can be done if you want it bad enough. Do this for you, and like Anna said, don't make any decisions on your relationship until you've been sober for a while.
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Old 07-18-2014, 05:40 PM
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I just wanted to add: my relationship is better when I'm sober. Even though my partner never is sober. Taking one drinking habit out of the equation can make a huge difference in the whole relationship dynamic. There's something about two people, a couple, drinking together, that can grow into its own monster as the two feed off each other.... I'm sure it's true for other substances, the medium is just different.
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:30 PM
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Thanks everyone. Im not one of those girls, begging this dude to be sober.. honestly I dont give a ****. Either be here for me and your kids or dont! I was raised by an alcoholic father, who gave me alcohol and meth at 14.. that was my dad.. I can handle "this guy" I was just venting, and thinking outloud. I know I cant change him.
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Ready2beSober View Post
Thanks everyone. Im not one of those girls, begging this dude to be sober.. honestly I dont give a ****. Either be here for me and your kids or dont! I was raised by an alcoholic father, who gave me alcohol and meth at 14.. that was my dad.. I can handle "this guy" I was just venting, and thinking outloud. I know I cant change him.
I never got that from your post. What I got was your concern for yourself and family. VALID. What I sensed was the booze around certainly doesn't make for easy new sobriety..as in yours. You are also wondering if you should get up and bail. Tough decisions abound.

People quit drinking around drinkers or quit smoking around smokers. Do you think you have it in you to do this for yourself? Alternatively, do you have anywhere you could go and stay...like family or a friends to let him know you mean business here?

You may not be able to control anyone else...but you sure as hell don't have to put up with it either!
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