kalalanon

So, it's been awhile since I last spoke here about how the kids and I would be moving out. Well, we've done it.
I had a friend, my brother and a paid helper help us move two weeks ago. We're settled already in a nice little brick house in the same good neighbourhood.
It's nice, there's quite a blissful feeling, a sense of freedom but I'm feeling bummed cos' he's acting so happy himself that I feel like my plan has backfired! In a way, I left because it was just not healthy for the kids to be around that behaviour but I'll admit I thought I'd be getting calls and teary heartfelt messages about how he misses us and blah blah blah but the ****** hasn't said a thing! Now, I know I'm gorgeous and awesome and my kids are beautiful, well behaved and smart but gosh darn. Why does he have to be so content with the situation?! He's picked up extra shifts doing nights, he's finally shaved that hideous bushman beard he was sporting and doesn't seem fazed whatsoever having conversations about picking up the kids or contributing to this household. I feel like I've given him the perfect life. No nagging woman to come home to and kids only when he wants them.
I'm hoping someone has experienced a similar situation. I know I've done the right thing, maybe I was trying to hurt him in a way that he actually GETS (as opposed to pouring out the beer, cold shoulders and one time even slapping his face)
I guess I thought he'd lay on the charm and I'd be torn by my decision but he's done nothing and that's bumming me out even more! Ugh!

Hammer

dunno.

You want the truth, or just some commiseration?

schnappi99

Might be he has a honeymoon period with no strings attached till the booze gets its claws in deeper. Might not.

Might also be that you are still minding his business... want to get some payback for all the bad stuff he did. It reminds me of a few shares in my alanon group where the codie has reflected on how crazy they got- the alcoholic was quietly and contentedly drinking himself to death on the couch while she ranted and raved and controlled and pleaded and cried.

I would only say consider counting your blessings. It doesn't take long reading on this forum to find people who might envy the detachment you've achieved.

honeypig

This is doubtless all true, kalanon!!

Regarding why he seems to have changed his spots--I'd say just give the lad some time. I suspect things may change radically at some point in the not-too-distant future, and you will be glad to be at some distance from the flying debris.

It's been mentioned here on many occasions that no one has ever come here and posted that they left their A, who then got sober and became a model spouse/partner/whatever, and gosh, they sure do regret leaving him/her. I guess you could be the first, but the odds sure do seem against it.

Hang in--I suspect you'll be proven to have done the right thing in the end.

Rosalba

It sounds like a win-win situation to me. At least for now. Isn't that what most of us are hoping for?

lillamy

Can I recommend that you go read the blog post that Stung quoted in this post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-destroy.html

And I'm not doing it to throw stones at you. I'm doing it because by making decisions partly because you expect him to change his behavior, or to try to make him behave in a certain way is not healthy for you.

I spent most of a 20-year marriage trying to make an alcoholic behave, with every tool in my toolbox, and then some. It's useless and soul-killing, and it reduces you to playing -- not God, not the person who controls things, but a bit part in somebody else's life.

Here's the thing: You probably DID give him exactly what he wanted. Because you had started questioning and challenging his drinking, you became a threat. Now? He's on his own, he doesn't have responsibilities, nobody is challenging him on why he drinks the way he does. That's a scary place for an alcoholic to be. Because chances are, with nobody to say "enough" they no longer have anyone to challenge. They're left alone with their addiction. Which is what they want, but also frightening as hell.

So of course he's picking up extra shifts. Working prevents him from being home and contemplating if you were right. If he really IS an alcoholic. If it really IS his fault that your marriage broke down. Don't be surprised if he also starts dating very soon. Many alcoholics need someone to prop up their self-confidence, someone to tell their sob story to about their horrid ex-wife who took the kids only because he sometimes needed a beer or two to relax in the evenings.

Forget him. Rebuild your life. Love your kids. And, yes, leave him to destroy his own life. It's his choice.

m1k3

kalalanon, what worked for me when I moved out was to put the focus back on myself. I was finally in a place where I could do what I wanted, live the way I wanted to and learn how to be myself again. I was no longer living in the middle of chaos and that was heaven.

Take some time, be patient and settle into your new life.

Your friend,

Butterfly

Kalalanon I'm sorry your going through this but you have made the right decision for yourself and your kids. My AH left me 4 months ago because he wanted to drink when he wants. Any other time he's left within a few weeks he's back pleading with me to give him another chance and I have. Not this time as I made it clear after a bad binging episode that he had to get help.... He doesn't want help he still thinks he can do it on his own. He's living with his mum who says nothing about his drinking and will be moving into his own place soon. He has complete freedom to do what he wants drink when he wants and no responsibilities he also doesn't have to feel guilt when he's drinking or make false promises to get help. He literally comes and goes at his mums as he pleases and sees the kids once a week for an hr or so. My daughter now wants nothing to do with him. He doesn't have to listen to me shouting, crying, begging, controlling his behaviour and trying to change him. It's win win for him drink is more important than anything to him and he's more scared of living without it than me and the kids. It could be the same for you AH.

I agree with others here focus on you and your children and not what he is or isn't doing. I am sorry but you may never get the response you want from him while he is actively drinking.

Rosalba

Or at any other time, come to that. However, we are on to a loser if we make our own happiness and serenity contingent on someone else's behaviour. That needs to come from us.

kalalanon

Me.me.me from now on. You're all very right I am still minding his business, I know that if I were computer savvy enough I would've hacked his fb by now just to see what he's saying about me.
Thank you Lil, I vented first and then started reading. I quite enjoyed that post and the other 10 I read after that. Very calming, went to sleep with a clear head.
I have got to put my foot down about a parenting/care plan. So far he's just been asking at odd times and I haven't said no, despite it being 8pm one time. Oh and sucker me let him use the washing machine!

Butterfly

We have all done things for our AH after the initial separation I continued to make mine his lunch for work for about a month. Thank goodness I wished up!!!

Don't beat yourself up for mistakes we all make them and it's how we learn.

Look after yourself and your children. You will begin to feel better if you focus on you!!