FreeOwl

So I went to dinner last night with some of my family at their house. My sister in town, my lady came along.

Got there and sister is already drinking - as per usual. She's in her early 20's and so that's not altogether unusual, but drinking has been in her life for many years already and I've watched her patterns take eerily similar shape to my own back in those days. She's had troubles because of alcohol and is frequently blackout drunk. I'm not sticking a label on her because it's not my job to do and only she can find her way to a point in life where she may or may not feel she needs to change something... I offer this background only because it plays into the context.

My Lady seldom drinks but had a glass of wine before dinner. Got a little bit 'happy' from it and my sister at one point re-filled her glass. I could see she was a little on the one hand reluctant but on the other trying to connect with my sister as they don't know one another well yet and so went ahead with it.

Anyway - through the course of the meal, sister got increasingly buzzed, Lady more relaxed and clearly effected by the wine, my mom's husband was catching up pace with his own wine.

Talk was getting louder and more obnoxious and I was finding myself feeling..... I don't know. Maybe a small bit of wanting to be a part of it, but a larger part was just uncomfortable. I couldn't really get much into the conversation and I was finding most of the conversation sort of distasteful and immature anyway. I felt grumpy and didn't even want to be there. I smiled and kept a decent enough front up so as not to disrupt the evening, but inside I just wanted to go home, get the dishes done, go to bed.

Dropping my lady off she commented that she'd probably always have to drink around my sister - basically to tolerate her behavior and be able to relate with her without being ticked off. That felt like some kind of weird blow for some reason. Sister texted me how much she enjoyed my lady's company and liked her..... and while I felt positive about that on the one hand, on the other it kind of felt empty. Like - did they even really connect at all, when what they connected over was a buzzed-up space of conversation that probably wasn't really either one of them?

Anyway.... woke up this morning with something sort of eating at me. Maybe it's the stress of the crap I have to get done today, but I think there's just something in that experience that's not sitting well and needed to talk it out.

Thanks for 'listening".

MIRecovery

Your comments are just some of the reasons I avoid drinking situations. They knock me off center so for the most part I don't need them in my new life

LadyBlue0527

I think it's hard when you have the experience of sitting around with people who are getting snookered and saying idiotic and stupid things once you've become sober. You have feelings that are the "new" you. You realize that something that you spent most of your life thinking was all about fun and joy is really nothing more than a fluid that can, and does, turn people into idiots. Anything that is a change is stressful, doesn't matter if it's good or bad. Recognizing that you don't drink anymore is one thing, recognizing that you can't even tolerate being around people who are drinking (beyond what they should) is yet another.

Your life is changing, and albeit for the better, it's still a change, and it's still stressful. Of course, and I'm right there with you, I'm sure there was a piece of you that wished you could partake and do the same. Then reality hits you that it's not something you can do.

I'm only guessing here. I just remember going to my brother's house for the first time after quitting and he was also one of my drinking buddies. He's a hardcore alcoholic. I sat there watching him ingest beer after beer and watched the person that he became and the stupid things he was saying. It was very hard to watch and suffice it to say that after that I don't go to visit him when it's just him at home. It's partly because I'm seeing him killing himself in front of me but it's also unsettling to know that my life is different and I can't enjoy some of the things that (I thought) I used to enjoy.

Something that used to get you excited and happy is now a complete and utter turnoff. Biologically speaking, that's a bit of confusion for the brain to comprehend. You were brainwashed to associate alcohol with fun. Now you look at it and what it does and you feel put off. Your old, alcohol brain is saying "Hey, wait a minute, this isn't right, this isn't the feeling I'm supposed to have right now!". That kind of makes the earth move under your feet a little differently. It all evens out though, you're just changing and getting used to the new way of thinking. It's a retraining of sorts.

Just try to remember that this is all good even though it throws you off the mark a bit. It's life, changing, and it's obvious that you're doing a great job of dealing with it. I'm glad that you posted.

LadyBlue0527

I posted and then saw your post MIRecovery. In a few sentences you said brilliantly what my entire post was pointing to.

This "new" way of life definitely takes some adjustment and it can really make you feel like you don't sit right for a while. Then balance returns.

FreeOwl

thanks all....

I think you're reflecting a lot of the things that were going on for me.

Thank you.

Ren1love

I havent yet to have gone out with friends or family because of the whole drinking aspect.I would feel a little well jealous because of their drinking. I know thats weird but i get jealous of the buzz and blah blah. I know one day it'll come up and I will have to experience my real feelings and my own real self without having the drink to comfort me. And i actually cant wait for. I hope your sister is okay and hopefully she can realize the problem before it actually is a problem. One day at a time Sending good vibes to you!

Anna

I also could not be around people drinking for most of the first year I was recovering. It caused me so much stress and anxiety I knew I had to avoid those situations.

soberlicious

This is the crux of it right here, for me. When you see the interactions through clear eyes, the inauthenticity is startling. It made me realize how so many of my interactions were really just hollow. Even sh*t I thought was deep and profound ended up just being ridiculous without the gauzy filter of booze over it. I understand that sort of empty feeling. For me it wasn't that I was missing what used to be, it was that I realized how much time I had wasted on confusing buzzed-up conversation with real connection. There's something a little bittersweet about the whole realization.

Aellyce

FreeOwl, I hear ya! I don't like to be around people getting affected by alcohol either. At this point it does not usually make me want to drink, but I feel uncomfortable and disconnected in such situations. So usually I either don't go, or leave early. Of course it's tricky when it's our family... I personally would still put myself as a priority relative to these situations. Or at least I would do it very infrequently.

Hope you feel better soon!