AH filed for divorce

Old 07-18-2014, 02:07 AM
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AH filed for divorce

Haven't posted in a while. I couldn't even bare to read others posts. Just too painful. He is kicking me out of the house, stopping phone, cable, internet, health insurance for me and my kids, car insurance. Etc i knew it was coming but I am the stupidest person in the world. I believed his lies and fell back into his mind games. But now he filed and I gave up everything. I have a job less than 40 hours a week, no benefits, and before taxes less than $9.00/ hour. I won't be able to support my children. I work every day and can't get down to file for food stamps or whatever it is called now. My car has 97,000 miles. But ok no car insurance, no money for gas won't need car. Ok I'm just venting. Sorry!
I'm heartbroken. I know some of you that have read my pair are shaking your heads at that statement. And I would be also. But I am so sad and just want to give up. My XH the father of my children is taking me back to court to make me drive 8 hours so he can have visitation with one child. He has no contact with other two. And I cannot afford attorney in either case and really want to just curl up in a ball ignore all of it and not show up for court. My AH is going to try and turn this all around on me in the criminal hearing. I am so weak right now I am planning not to even go. I honestly think I will be thrown in jail because I ignored the subpoena. But I can't face him and his attorney belling at me and accusing me of things. I don't have any fight left in me. My daughter has a month before she moves 10 hours away to college. I won't be able to communicate with her once the phones are turned off. But, I'm glad she will be away from all of this. My two younger ones will be 14 next week. I may try and sneak them to live with my parents so they don't have to live with my XH. My younger daughter hasn't seen him in a few years and he is mentally abusive to my daughters and only sees my son.
Ok enough ranting. I need suggestions. How do I take care of my children? My child support doesn't cover anything but food and their clothing. And my income won't cover anything much. I'll send it all to my daughter in college. I do not see a way out of this. I don't see a way to support my kids. I have completely failed then and myself. And I fell right into my ah hands and his plans. I am such an idiot!
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Old 07-18-2014, 02:24 AM
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What state do you reside in?
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:45 AM
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I know you are hurting, but curling up in a ball is not going to protect your children.

Please get to a DV center and tell them your situation today.
See if they have some emergency counseling for your depression.

Ask for their help finding a free or sliding scale attorney, and don't ignore court dates.
Please don't let him, and his bullying lawyer, beat you on this.
He cannot withhold child support and that will be based on income.

You won't be able to "sneak" anything if he feels you won't fight, and I think
in your heart you know this but are just feeling overwealmed.

Please call and get some face support. Hugs and more hugs.
You can get through this one small step at a time.
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:50 AM
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Peace- you mentioned a criminal case? If you are the defendant than the state is required to provide you with an attorney but you must act.
Your husband cannot turn off the utilities unless they ar e in his name and you can have them switched.
He also cannot drop the health insurance on the kids.
But, you need to take a day off from work and apply for help. Food stamps and such. You also need to go to the county courthouse or check online. There should be free or low cost forms you can use to instruct you on how to file for a continuence on the criminal case and to counter sue for the divorce. He is trying to scare you into giving him what he wants. Dont let him
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Old 07-18-2014, 06:35 AM
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searching peace...please take the advice of the people here who have been to Hel* and back---such as the ones who have just posted. Hawkeye is right--I think you are feeling overwhelmed, right now.
Don't ever miss a court date---get a continuance. Above all, don't let them scare you off!!
He is threatening things that he can't even legally do!! He is hoping that you will get scared----don't give that to him.

How do you do this? FIRST thing--contact the domestic violence people, again--and, explain that your situation is urgent. ASK for a court advocate; ask for legal assistance.
They can also help with the other issues that you are worried about.
Find out if there is a victim assistance program in your court system, also. The dv people will know about that , also.

There IS help, there ARE options. Your part is to reach out your hand and to ask for help.

You need someone walking by your side. Fear of the unknown is often the biggest problem.

Make some calls TODAY--and you will feel better...I promise.

We are here for you and we will walk with you...

You can do this. You will be stronger than you ever imagined....

dandylion
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Old 07-18-2014, 06:59 AM
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Searching Peace

I am really sorry for the struggles and pain you feel right now.

I am not sure what state you live in but in my state even if the opposing party fails to respond to papers or misses the first court date they can still appear within 90 days and the court will still listen. The judges allow leniency because they understand there are situations like this and before they make a decision they absolutely want to hear from both parties.

My STBX actually picked up LS papers at my attorneys office (to avoid humiliation of being served), didn't respond to original docs, didn't show up, was served notice of default and still didn't show up which meant he was in default. My attorney told me that even in default he had 90 days. We waited and after 90 days we finalized papers without him and yet he still has one full year from the date we finalized to ask the court to set aside the judgement and ask for reconsideration. However the longer time goes on afterwards and the more things that have been done as ordered by the court, the less chance a judge will listen but in the first 90 days they will most often accept a good reason why you did not appear. I would think that a good reason would be you are a victim and scared.

As the others said above, contact a DV center and go to them right away. They will likely have an attorney or a legal advocate that can help you settle some of this right away.

When I first left, the number of things to do and looking at the future was so scary. It was suggested that I keep a list but each day right down just a few or the thing most important and deal with them because looking at all of it was too much but doing a few things each day would help me to know I did have some power.

Getting started is hard but once you do you will feel your power coming back.
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Old 07-18-2014, 07:50 AM
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I have absolutely no experience in this area but I'm so very glad we have so many folks who DO know what you can do to get help! I just want to say that you have not failed yourself or your kids. You believed and hoped for the best, and the A is the one who has failed.

I hope you can take action as soon as possible on the suggestions you've been offered. I agree that your AH is simply trying to beat you down and that if you look for assistance and fight him, he won't get things all his own way. A lot of resources have been mentioned, and I feel sure you can find help.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 07-18-2014, 08:09 AM
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I second the notion of contacting domestic violence resources in your area. They will direct you to free or reduced legal resources that will help you navigate through this. It may sound like everything is against you but it most likely will not be. He will have to pay child support and maybe even spousal support. In many cases he may even have to pay your lawyer fees. He most likely will have to cover health insurance at minmum for the kids. Accusing and proving it in court are two very different things. He can accuse you of a lot but actually proving it to the judge is a whole different ball game. You are not as shot down as you think you are. Hang in there and find out what your rights are.
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Old 07-18-2014, 08:10 AM
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He is kicking me out of the house, stopping phone, cable, internet, health insurance for me and my kids, car insurance. Etc
Get an emergency custody order immediately. A DV place might be able to find you a pro bono attorney to help with that. See, he doesn't have the right to remove you OR the kids from the health insurance. Once the divorce is finalized, he can remove YOU -- but he can't remove the kids.

You need legal help. Now.
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Old 07-19-2014, 05:04 AM
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searching peace, I know you didn't want this, this is what you feared. Sometimes you need to face that fear. The unknown may actually be better then what you know.

I know the children aren't his.

I don't know the legalities of this.

I have to agree with everyone above though about talking to DV. You might qualify for a pro bono attorney.

I think that you should call DV, find out everything you would need to do, schedule all the appts for one day, talk to your boss, let them know somewhat what is going on, take a day off and find out your options.

If you can give us more specifics, we may be able to help more, like what state do you live in, how long were you married?

I completely understand if you can't.

I'm pretty sure your AH cannot take you off his health coverage, I don't know about step children, but I think with the children you might qualify for medicaid for them.

Just please keep talking to us, we want the best for you and your children.

I just want to tell you that pro bono lawyers are really good. The one that did this for my county where I lived was the prosecuting attorney.

(((((((hugs)))))))
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Old 07-19-2014, 05:14 AM
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I also say contact DV immediately. There are many attorneys that do pro bono work and they may be able to guide you to one.

As far as your living situation, you are still his wife until the papers are signed. He can't just put you and your kids on the street. Cutting utilities off is a big no no as is canceling health insurance.

I would contact the appropriate state offices for help - there is much out there that might surprise you. DV can also guide you through that. In my state insurance would be provided for the kids as well as other things. There is also a fund to assist families in locating and paying for shelter.

How long have you been married?
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Old 07-19-2014, 05:19 AM
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One more thing - perhaps your daughter can get a part time job while at school to help. If your plans were going to send all of your income to her that isn't going to work. You have to provide for yourself and your other kids too.

You will get through this and be ok - but you will have to help yourself which is helping your children. Gosh I do understand wanting to just curl up in a ball and just let things happen. Take a deep breath - educate yourself and seek out help its there for you.
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Old 07-19-2014, 05:34 AM
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My heart and prayers are with you.
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Old 07-19-2014, 07:07 AM
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CALL CALL CALL the dv hotline, please! There are so many resources out there for you. A car with 97k on it is nothing, for nearly 2 years I drove a beater 1993 Ford Taurus I bought for 1k when my ex took my van from me. It's still running, 18yo son has it. My current car has is a 2003 with 112k on it, it's still running just fine, and hopefully will until I'm done with school in 3 years.
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Old 07-19-2014, 11:29 AM
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Everyone has great suggestions. I just wanted to add that some states have phones for low income people. They don't have a lot of minutes on them, but are better than not having a phone. Also, if you live where it gets cold in the winter there are programs like LIHEAP that help you pay your heating bills.
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