Cocaine Relapse

Old 07-17-2014, 08:26 PM
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Cocaine Relapse

Hello all,

I've lurked around these boards for several months, and am so grateful for the wisdom that I have been able to read. It has really helped me with my situation. I've absorbed a lot, and now I finally have it in me to post.

I'm a gay man, in my early 50's. Been with my partner for 26 years. He's from South America. He didn't use drugs for the first 20 years (that I knew of), and rarely drank, but would binge once or twice a year, and crazy things would happen on those binges.

About 3 years ago, unbeknownst to me, he started using cocaine with a co-worker. Suddenly he was disappearing once or twice a month instead of the once or twice per year that had happened before. Our relationship hit some serious bumps, to say the least.

A few months into the cocaine craziness, his mother died. This is 2 1/2 years ago. He was very close to his mother. And when she died, it became crazy time. He was disappearing for the night once or twice per week, staying God knows where, doing God knows what. Well, I can imagine, but I'd rather not. Needless to say this was causing a lot of upheaval in my life too. Finally, six months after his mother died, I gave him the ultimatum -- go into treatment, or leave (I own our condo, his name isn't on the title).

He chose treatment, and has been going to outpatient therapy twice per week, as well as attending SCA (Sexual Compulsives Anonymous). I have to give him an A+ for trying. But he has not been able to stay clean for more than a month or so at a time. Most recently he was clean from the end of April until this week -- the longest period of sobriety yet. But he's relapsed and is using again full throttle.

I feel terrible for him. I see that he's trying, he's going to therapy, working his program, etc., but every time he gets some progress under his belt he relapses. It's like that nasty voice inside his head, the one that tells him "f*ck it," just has to win out every few weeks.

And each time it does, he becomes a little sicker in general, a little more distant, a falls a little further into the rabbit hole. And that nasty side gets a little bit more powerful.

I love the guy that I've lived with for 25 years, but I see clearly that he is not the person that he was even 5 years ago. He's meaner, he's more selfish, more self-absorbed. I don't like this new person very much. I still see flashes of the old person, just enough to keep me roped in, but I know that the old and the new person are one and the same. It doesn't matter who he was yesterday; this is who he is now.

And his addiction is taking a toll on me. I have slowly isolated myself over the past couple years. It used to be that, when he went on his yearly bender, I'd call friends, make other plans, go for a short vacation, but when the cocaine use started, especially after his mother died, I got so damned worried, and tried to help him through his problems. When he's using I get stressed and it throws me off of my stride. It's like I've gotten to a point where I need permission just to take care of myself in simple ways. I never used to be like this. I guess I suffer from codependence. And I guess codependence is a progressive disease too.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts that I am trying to work through. I am realizing tonight that I can't keep thinking about him, that I need to put the focus back on me, that I am the one who needs to change if I want to be happy. I read on these boards, "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't fix it." And now more than ever I feel the truth of these words. By working hard to maintain a peaceful home, a comfortable life, I have protected my partner from the harshness of his disease. I have enabled him.

Well, this is where I am at. I've rambled enough for tonight. Thanks for reading.
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Old 07-17-2014, 09:31 PM
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Hi Mechuen! Welcome to SR, but so sorry for what brings you here. FWIW, you sound incredibly clear-headed about the effects of his addiction on you and about the codependent patterns you've gotten into with him. I guess my suggestion would be for you to think about what are healthy boundaries for you? You sound like you have healthy self esteem but have maybe made some compromises for someone you've been with for a very long time and understandably want to help. It might be time to rethink some of those compromises, not to punish him but to protect yourself. Are you willing to be involved with someone who cheats on you? Are you willing to live with someone in active addiction? Are you willing to deal with the uncertainty of a disappearing partner? Just some things to think over. You might consider seeking face to face support at an al-anon or nar-anon meeting, or from a therapist. Good luck!
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Old 07-17-2014, 09:43 PM
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Thanks jjj111, you are very insightful, and helped to clarify some of my thoughts.

Monogomy wasn't a huge priority -- after all, we're two gay men in New York City.

But sexual compulsiveness and active addiction, no, I am not willing to live with that. I've been willing to live with a person who is attempting recovery, but I am facing the reality that his recovery isn't happening. He's trying, but he's slowly sinking deeper. And like you said, I need to protect myself.

How does one go about finding a therapist?
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Old 07-17-2014, 10:38 PM
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Do you have health insurance? I think that most insurance providers have databases online where you can search by provider type, so you would look for a mental health/psychotherapy provider. You could call the number on the back of your insurance card to be pointed to the website. Some mental health providers will even list their specialties, and some will include LGBT issues or something along those lines in their list of specialties, so that might be something to look out for in order to find someone gay-friendly. It sounds like you're being realistic about the fact that maybe he's not ready to let go of his addiction. It's a sad thing to accept, but being realistic about who he is today is your best bet for figuring out how to protect yourself.
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:51 AM
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Hello to Mechuen from a PFLAG mom...

I would very much echo JJJ's comments to the effect that you seem to have a remarkably clear-eyed view of what's transpired in your relationship over the past few years. Addiction is an insidious and evil thing. It creeps up on folks but, as so many others have noted, in the end it's always moving forward, not back.

It's terrible what's happened with your partner. We can sympathize and empathize but as you realize, we can't fix. Not a mother's or father's, not a spouse's or a partner's, love can fix this.

I'm wondering if there are resources in NYC that might be geared specifically towards GLBT folks. (I seem to recall there was a special initiative that dealt with people using crystal, for instance.) Might GMHC have a place to start? And, I know that AA and NA have focused groups, where you would be able to find people in a very similar situation to yours. Those are also good places to find referrals to therapists who are sensitive to the issues and can give special care.

It might be that eventually you'll need some support in figuring out what to do about this relationship. I really do understand about the social isolation... over the past few years, my friends (and my friends are important to me!) have gotten sick and tired of hearing about my AS. I feel more and more lonely as I find that there is a huge part of my life I can't share with anyone. I have even lost a friendship over it; the person had problems of her own and told me flat-out, I can't listen to you anymore, and it was a time when I turned to her in utmost distress. Now we are cordial but that's about it. I have found that I have to turn to people in Al-Anon or at least women in analogous situations, because other friends don't want to hear about what they're powerless to fix. Hmmm.

This is a great community for sharing and support, but there is also no substitute for in-person help and hugs. A big cyber-hug to you anyway!

Jane

p.s. My PFLAG mom status comes about due to my daughter who is a fantastic and healthy kid, not my AS! Just wanted to make that clear!
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Old 07-18-2014, 06:38 AM
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Another welcome from a LGBT family member! I agree with the others--you sound sad but very clear-minded about what is happening to your relationship and to yourself in this painful situation. I think being in a relationship for as many years as you have been (congrats on that!) makes this even harder. I wouldn't be so quick to see yourself as having progressive co-dependence, though it may be, but rather the mere fact that you have loved one person deeply for many years and want him back the way he was before addiction really grabbed him. As a mother, I can tell you I want my AD "back" the way she was before her addictions, but I realized the other day that her addiction has changed who I knew. It doesn't mean I can't love her just as much, I just have to accept who she has become, clean & sober or not. I think this is what we all have to do, and that is where our personal work comes in.

I have found a great community of support here, but in-person NarAnon meetings are essential to your recovery IMHO, and I am sure NYC has plenty. They are for loved ones of illegal substance abusers. The difference from AlAnon is that we have usually experienced extreme situations and lived through huge consequences; we need to be supported and understood differently sometimes because of the legal and extreme troubles our loved ones get into. If you go to one and don't click at first, try another or keep going back a few more times to see who else might appear who is a good fit for you to connect with, kind of like one would have a sponsor in AA.

Here's just one I found:
Times Square | Nar-Anon Family Groups
St. Malachy’s Church
239 West 49th Street
Times Square, NY
Meeting days and time
Tuesday: 6:15PM

I have a therapist, too, but I suggest you get yourself to a NarAnon meeting as soon as you can. It may be all you need at first!

Big hugs, and all the courage you need to do what is best for your health and happiness,

GM
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Old 07-18-2014, 03:00 PM
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Mechuen,

Sadly, if you spend enough time around here----you'll find that these pattern of
events unfold in a fairly predictable manner. Monogamy in the LGBT NYC sphere may not be
a huge priority----but YOUR health certainly is!

You wrote: >>>>>love the guy that I've lived with for 25 years, but I see clearly that he is not the person that he was even 5 years ago. He's meaner, he's more selfish, more self-absorbed. I don't like this new person very much. I still see flashes of the old person, just enough to keep me roped in, but I know that the old and the new person are one and the same. It doesn't matter who he was yesterday; this is who he is now.<<<<<<<

(We SOOOOOO understand). With me, it was "I am not going to let a middle class 50 Y.O. lady who has ALREADY lost her home, husband, kids......lose EVERYTHING ELSE."

Alas, it is not our call to make----and never was.

With that being said, you are always welcome here...
and will find understanding that is difficult to find elsewhere.
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Old 07-18-2014, 03:19 PM
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Mechuen,

I just want to say welcome! I am sorry for your painful situation. It sounds as if you are beginning to accept that your guy is who he is, and that if anything is going to change, it's gonna have to be of your doing. So, you are in a good place, to begin healing yourself.

I hope you will begin to get out, and perhaps find a meeting , and meet others who understand, and can help you to move forward.

I wish you the best. You have been through a lot, and I am sure it must have been tough. time for things to be happier for you, yes?

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