My secret
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: California
Posts: 46
My secret
A little bit of my story. I've been married for 19 years. We have 2 teenagers 16 and 19. We met in high school and were a couple on and off for several years. I have always been a drinker. Usually just beer and wine, a few during the week and more when celebrating with friends. My husband drinks maybe one beer a night, his choice of drug is Marijuana. Raising our kids was an important part of my life as well as being an elementary school teacher. As my kids have grown our home life is different. We have struggled with my teenage son and his relationship with his dad. I'm the mom that "always comes to the rescue" when they are fighting. It put a huge strain on our marriage. That's when I turned to booze. I would start drinking before my husband came home so I could deal with his nagging on me or our son. (he's a type A personality and would make comments about random stuff I did wrong, like loading the dishwasher! )I didn't realize that was what I was doing at the time. And I was never super lit, just buzzed enough to cope. Dinner always on the table and house clean. My marriage also became strained when I began talking to a college boyfriend secretly thanks to Facebook. I continued to drink more to cope with my feelings this new emotional affair lasted over 5 years on and off. I separated from my husband for 3 month 18 months ago. We worked things out and am so grateful for my husband, he truly fought for me and I feel like his wife not his kid. But I continue to drink. My son's senior year was hard because he was really pushing away from his dad.
Anyway that's when I really started drinking ! And hid so much of it from my husband. He worked different hours and would be home late. So, I started the drinking journey and abusing alcohol. A few beers and a bottle of wine is what I ended up with most every night. My son is out of the house, but I still drink like I have to before my husband gets home. I'm not a day drinker, I start at 5 or six. Drink beers, hide them, buy more so he can't tell I drank them. I Drink wine and my latest trick was to fill it up with water part way so he didn't know how much I drank. I drink before I go out with people so it looks like I had only one or two. I keep drinking when I get home. My husband doesn't really drink so I always have a D.D. I'm really bad in the summer. I go to bed early and sleep it off so I'm not really hung over. I'm used to the dull head ache...But I have had stomach issues as of late. I don't crave alcohol I like it, and once I cork that bottle I can't stop till it's gone. The hiding part is what makes me know I have an issue and the fact that I drink a bottle a night! During the school year it's not a bottle a night, but it's still a lot. I have never drank alcohol in the morning or during the weekday. It's the evening that wine calls for me. My bottle is gone by 7:30 and I drink water.... Like it makes a difference.*
No one knows I have this problem, it's my dirty secret! I'm the bubbly, fun, silly, friend, coworker that everyone loves. I'm really embarrassed and ashamed. I Just wish I knew how to stop drinking after 1 or 2 but ....once I start I don't stop until that bottle is gone, and sometimes I slip some sneaky beers in when no one is looking. Well that's a little of my story.*
Anyway that's when I really started drinking ! And hid so much of it from my husband. He worked different hours and would be home late. So, I started the drinking journey and abusing alcohol. A few beers and a bottle of wine is what I ended up with most every night. My son is out of the house, but I still drink like I have to before my husband gets home. I'm not a day drinker, I start at 5 or six. Drink beers, hide them, buy more so he can't tell I drank them. I Drink wine and my latest trick was to fill it up with water part way so he didn't know how much I drank. I drink before I go out with people so it looks like I had only one or two. I keep drinking when I get home. My husband doesn't really drink so I always have a D.D. I'm really bad in the summer. I go to bed early and sleep it off so I'm not really hung over. I'm used to the dull head ache...But I have had stomach issues as of late. I don't crave alcohol I like it, and once I cork that bottle I can't stop till it's gone. The hiding part is what makes me know I have an issue and the fact that I drink a bottle a night! During the school year it's not a bottle a night, but it's still a lot. I have never drank alcohol in the morning or during the weekday. It's the evening that wine calls for me. My bottle is gone by 7:30 and I drink water.... Like it makes a difference.*
No one knows I have this problem, it's my dirty secret! I'm the bubbly, fun, silly, friend, coworker that everyone loves. I'm really embarrassed and ashamed. I Just wish I knew how to stop drinking after 1 or 2 but ....once I start I don't stop until that bottle is gone, and sometimes I slip some sneaky beers in when no one is looking. Well that's a little of my story.*
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to SR! 
You've come to a good place for support in getting and staying sober. SR is always open, there's always someone here to talk to. If you're having a hard time, post here, or go into Chat and join the conversation. I'm glad you're here! 
You've come to a good place for support in getting and staying sober. SR is always open, there's always someone here to talk to. If you're having a hard time, post here, or go into Chat and join the conversation. I'm glad you're here! 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,443
Hello 21Hope.
Although I am not married, your secret sounds a lot like the one I carried around for many years. I'm sure many of us here can relate to your post.
I was like you ~ no one knew for years. I was the bubbly fun one, and nothing truly terrible happened...until it did.
Because I could never stop after one or two either.
So glad you joined us here ~
Love Venus xx
Although I am not married, your secret sounds a lot like the one I carried around for many years. I'm sure many of us here can relate to your post.
I was like you ~ no one knew for years. I was the bubbly fun one, and nothing truly terrible happened...until it did.
Because I could never stop after one or two either.
So glad you joined us here ~
Love Venus xx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 551
Welcome!
Another teacher here, married for the same amount of time as you . . . DH didn't drink, either! You are so not alone with your secret--I can completely relate!
I haven't had a drink in a year, and I can't describe to you how much life improves. You will feel better physically and mentally--shame and guilt disappear.
Glad you are joining us!
Another teacher here, married for the same amount of time as you . . . DH didn't drink, either! You are so not alone with your secret--I can completely relate!
I haven't had a drink in a year, and I can't describe to you how much life improves. You will feel better physically and mentally--shame and guilt disappear.
Glad you are joining us!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
Posts: 605
All the hiding and figuring out how to make it look like you aren't drinking so much...I did the same. The alcohol owns you and it is SO nice for me not to be calculating in my mind, do I have enough at home? If not, when do I buy more? where? should I hit the liquor store or have I been there too much. Maybe CVS this time, but I might see someone I know. I've used Safeway.com at times because I just was so embarrassed to always be figuring out where to buy liquor. Do I buy it before I pick up the kids or after? All the thinking, planning. I was at Target yesterday and wine was all over the place! even at the checkouts. It feels free not to have to figure out, not only how to buy it, but how to make it look like you are not consuming so much. All the mental energy because you are focused on booze. My world has opened up so much in just 6 days, it's like blinders have come off. Now the struggle is filling in the gaps when I used to drink.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome!
I think the shame/lying/guilt feelings that come from being a closet alcoholic (as I was) take such a toll on one's spirit. My self-esteem plummeted and I was so tired of the effort it took to pretend I wasn't drinking.
e do understand how hard this is, and I'm glad you found us. I hope that you decide to live a sober life.
I think the shame/lying/guilt feelings that come from being a closet alcoholic (as I was) take such a toll on one's spirit. My self-esteem plummeted and I was so tired of the effort it took to pretend I wasn't drinking.
e do understand how hard this is, and I'm glad you found us. I hope that you decide to live a sober life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 554
wow, your story is so much like mine. Hiding it is crazy, but I was almost caught several times and the kids caught wind. But like theother comments, its so nice not to have that burden any longer. OF store hopping so no one would know you are a drunk. of carrying around visine and coverup to hide the red blotches. OR the excuses why I said we'd go to the park, but mom is sick. My children were all middle school and below. ITS amazing how much more I do for them now. I hated thinking people knew, or talked about me..if I said or did something 'stupid' I'd say stuff I wouldn't remember. I kenw I was in trouble, when I'd drink in the morning, so I'd be done drinking by noon, could sleep 2 hours, take a shower, smell fresh till the kids came home. I can't believe the energy I know have. STICK with it, its great.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
How do you stop after having only one or two?
Don't have the first one!
Easier said then done, but it is possible...and well worth it. 4 months for me
Do you still teach? What grade? Because I was an aide for the Pre-K and after school program. Never finished degree, but enough to assist.
Don't have the first one!
Easier said then done, but it is possible...and well worth it. 4 months for me
Do you still teach? What grade? Because I was an aide for the Pre-K and after school program. Never finished degree, but enough to assist.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
Hi 21! Just stopping in to let you know I am yet another one who can really relate to your story! The sneaking, the hiding, oh my. I want you to know you can do this! Stick around SR. There is so much support and understanding here!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Bay, So Cal
Posts: 6,116
I had the same "secret". I, too, didn't drink till it was time to prepare dinner. I hid my wine bottles in our bedroom closet. That way I could be on the computer in there and refill the glass ...no one would know! On & on the games I played. I gave up 20 months ago. Checked into a hospital De-tox, then to a Womens Rehab. I attend AA Meetings regularly, and follow the program. My secret wasn't a secret actually...except to in denial me! From that 1st day I walked into De-tox, my life changed ...the weight was truly gone off my shoulders...ahhhh. I'm 56.....it's never too late to live.
Bobbi
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 462
Your story is so similar to mine! Lots if trucks to seem like I wasn't drinking that much. I would skip dinner, drink on a empty stomach. Hide a few beers, hide the bottle of wine when I was done. Finish drinking by nine or so as to get up and not feel terrible. I'm a school social worker so during summer I would drink every night. I also have two boys but mine are 4 and 7, husband doesn't drink, easy for me to hide from him. I'll tell you that I'm only in 45 days and I feel free from alcohol right now. It owned me, I was a slave to it. It took a while for me to come to the realization that it was a problem because I didn't drink every night, first thing in the am, have dui, and no one in my life knew I had a problem. This was because I lied and hid! You can do it if you want it! Aa has been critical in my recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: usa
Posts: 3,938
Same here....sneaking and pretending I wasn't drinking as much as I was. And when I didn't hide it I was always embarrassed. Then trying to hide the hangovers and acting like I felt good. Wow, what craziness. I need to be reminded not to forget it. It's no way to live. Welcome 21hope.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: NSW
Posts: 3
I had the same horrible secret.... Well I thought it was a secret, but my partner soon figured it out. You get a bit sloppy with the hiding of bottles and wine glasses etc when your always drunk 
I used to hide bottles in my cupboard, in my drawers, in the boot of my car, under the bed. Then at the end of the week when the garbage truck came I used to gather them all up and throw them out together so my partner wouldnt know or see them in the garbage. It would make me physically sick realising just how much I had drunk during the week and it was all hidden.
My partner found a few bottles here and there but didnt say anything at first. Then one day he found a glass and a bottle behind the lounge and questioned me about it. I was drunk at the time and of course I lied and said no i hadnt been drinking. Complete idiot..... He was livid. He was angry at me for lieing and hiding it. Not that I was an alcoholic. Boy am I glad he has stuck by my side. He has been the most patient of people, when most people would have walked out the door.
I think thats what makes me cringe the most about being an alcoholic. All the time and effort you put into hiding it from other people because you are so ashamed.
I used to hide bottles in my cupboard, in my drawers, in the boot of my car, under the bed. Then at the end of the week when the garbage truck came I used to gather them all up and throw them out together so my partner wouldnt know or see them in the garbage. It would make me physically sick realising just how much I had drunk during the week and it was all hidden.
My partner found a few bottles here and there but didnt say anything at first. Then one day he found a glass and a bottle behind the lounge and questioned me about it. I was drunk at the time and of course I lied and said no i hadnt been drinking. Complete idiot..... He was livid. He was angry at me for lieing and hiding it. Not that I was an alcoholic. Boy am I glad he has stuck by my side. He has been the most patient of people, when most people would have walked out the door.
I think thats what makes me cringe the most about being an alcoholic. All the time and effort you put into hiding it from other people because you are so ashamed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: California
Posts: 46
Thank you all! It helps so much to hear others' stories and not feel like a weirdo. And on the other side to fully see how hiding is such a crazy sign of abusing! I'm finishing up day 3 and am ready to live life! I even will volunteer to pick the kids up AFTER the movie tomorrow night!!!
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