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Old 07-17-2014, 04:11 PM
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Question New to all this

Hi

I have been married to my Hfah for almost 13 years now and only within the last week had the light bulb turned on that I am not the root of all the problems and his drinking is. I have become a total codependent nightmare to the point of not recognizing who I am anymore. I have 4 kids, no friends, no real support system and am lost. I don't know where to go from here or what I need to do. My husband is not physically abusive but definitely verbally abusive. Thankfully it is almost always directed at me and not the kids. Everything is always my fault. The house is never clean enough, the food I make never good enough, and now threatens to leave on a regular basis or I get the next month you will be in a whole world of hurt when I have left. He holds down and excels at work and can be very charming. He doesn't think his drinking is a problem nor would anyone else as he saves the show stoppers for me. I have gotten my self warped to the point where I had my first anxiety attack about a week ago and almost get panic stricken if I see something out of place when he is around because I never know if I will get Dr Jeckyll or Mr Hyde.
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Old 07-17-2014, 04:27 PM
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Combakkid....it hurts to hear that you are living in that kind of fear. No one should have to live like this. It is abusive treatment.

There are options. Even though you may feel trapped--and, it sounds like you do---there is lots of help and millions of other women have changed their lives and regained their happiness.

Please stay around and take advantage of the education and support that will be offered to you by others, here, who have walked in your same shoes.

Welcome!!!!!!!!!!!

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Old 07-17-2014, 09:10 PM
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I'm sorry you're dealing with what you're dealing with, but I'm really glad you found us! Your situation sounds very similar to my marriage to an alcoholic. Down to the charming and lovely at work and Mr. Hyde at home.

You've done great to see through his verbal abuse and realize that it really isn't your fault, any of it. Alcoholics? They drink because they drink. I recognize the blame shifting -- mine used to say he drank because dinners was overcooked (or the same thing we had last week), because I was fat, because the kids were fighting, because his boss was an a$$, because he got a promotion and wanted to celebrate, because he didn't get a promotion and was sad, because the lady at the post office looked at him the wrong way... it was always someone else's fault that he had to drink. There's a bad joke with some truth to it -- that alcoholics only drink on days that have the letter Y in them...

There's a lot of good information here. A lot of good people who have been where you are and can share their experiences. Just know that regardless of how you feel right now, your situation is not hopeless.

And know, like dandylion said, that you don't deserve any of the abuse he's heaping on you. I've been there. Walked on eggshells not to set him off. Twisted myself into a pretzel to please him and to prevent him from drinking or flying off the handle. It's a horrible, hard, difficult way to live. And the fact that you in that situation can see through his attempts at putting it all on you -- that means you are a strong woman. Even if you don't feel like it.
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Old 07-17-2014, 09:18 PM
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Thank you! I am so confused and lost and not sure what to do or where to go from here. There are times when I am prepared to leave and be done and then I catch a glimpse of the real husband and continue to stick it out. It is truly mind boggling and I just sit here gathering all the knowledge and I can and just think "now what"?
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Old 07-18-2014, 06:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Combakkid View Post
Thank you! I am so confused and lost and not sure what to do or where to go from here. There are times when I am prepared to leave and be done and then I catch a glimpse of the real husband and continue to stick it out. It is truly mind boggling and I just sit here gathering all the knowledge and I can and just think "now what"?
Welcome to SR, Combakkid. As you read your way thru the forum here, you'll see posts by other people who have experienced that sense of 2 different people, the good, sober, "real" person and the uncaring, often abusive, drunk person. What everyone comes to realize in time is that this is all the same person. The guy that apologizes in the AM for his out-of-control actions the night before, the guy promising to never do this again, is the same guy as the one who comes home that same night hours late, roaring drunk, spewing insults and abuse. One guy. The same guy.

Reading here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page, will help you see your situation more clearly. So many here have been in your shoes, and you can learn a lot from their struggles and victories. I'd also like to recommend Alanon to you. For me, the combination of SR online and Alanon for face-to-face contact has been working well, and you may find the same.

You CAN find your way thru this, and you CAN have the life you want. Keep the focus on you and your kids. Keep posting, keep reading.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 07-18-2014, 08:16 AM
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There are times when I am prepared to leave and be done and then I catch a glimpse of the real husband and continue to stick it out.
From the first time I contemplated leaving my ex to the day I left was about 16 years. You've invested so much. It's hard to accept that people can change to the point where the person you married is gone. Someone posted here the other week that she was having a hard time because she was grieving the person she married, but his body was still walking around and talking and living, just not behaving in the slightest like the man she fell in love with.

Here's the thing: You don't have to know this second, today, or even this week what to do. But you've started putting words on what you're experiencing, and what you want, and what you don't. For me, reading other people's stories, and recognizing myself in them, made me feel less alone, less crazy (because man oh man did I feel CRAAAAAZY!), and start taking steps towards detaching from my ex. Deciding that we were separate people. Deciding that he was his own person. That if he chose to continue drinking, he had a right to make that choice. And deciding -- and believing -- that I had every right to choose whether I wanted to stay with him.

Take your time. Learn about alcoholism. Find an Al-Anon meeting. You don't have to talk, you can go just to listen. There's power in those stories. There's something very surprising and empowering in hearing your own thought expressed by someone else in a similar situation.

And above all, take care of yourself. Take care of your kids. Remember who you are. Don't let him define you, or make your choices for you. (((hugs)))
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Old 07-18-2014, 08:57 AM
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Please seriously consider leaving him.
You sound like you deserve so much better than him and his behaviour.
Can you envisage living somewhere away from him, where you can have pace and quiet and not be blamed for things that are clearly not your fault?

I really do wish you the best xx
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:38 AM
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I have a lot to learn. Last night I ordered the book Codependant no More as so many have recommended it. I have looked into Al Anon. Most of the newcomer meetings are on my AH days off which makes things a lot tougher to get out and go too. I am so happy I found this site and look forward to more realizations that I am not crazy and everything truly hasn't been my fault.
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:53 AM
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There's no rule that you have to go to a newcomer meeting. Any meeting will welcome a newcomer. I found that the newcomer meeting in my area was not my favorite meeting anyway. It was at a rehab and seemed more geared toward newcomers who had a loved one in rehab, which was not something I could identify with at all. Try to get to one while he's at work if you can. Real life support makes a huge difference. Hugs.
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Old 07-18-2014, 11:00 AM
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Hi Combakkid,
I totally get where you are coming from. I've been married 18 years and just come to realize in these past 6 months what is really going on in my marriage. I always thought everything was my fault. And even though I know I bring my stuff to our dysfunctional relationship, the excessive use of alcohol, has truly changed my H (along with a lot of family stuff). I have read Co-Dependant No More, along with many other of her books....and so many others. I too, feel as though I have no support or friends and it gets really lonely. I reach out here on occasion.....and it's been helpful.

Keep reading and learning. Take time to really care for yourself. It gets hard when you change and your qualifying spouse isn't. That's where I'm at. I take each day as it comes and I try not to think too much about the future.

Peace ..... Mauihope
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Old 07-18-2014, 11:02 AM
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Hi comba,
You said you are alone and without support in your first post. But now that is no longer true. You posted here. So now you are never alone or without support. I am glad you are here
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Old 07-18-2014, 11:30 AM
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Hi Combakkid and welcome,

You have come to the right place. You will find so many understanding people here that can help you figure things out.

It's great that you had that "light bulb moment". I remember when I had mine. It all just started to make sense to me. You now recognize that there is a problem in your marriage and that it a great start. From now on it is a turning point for you. You deserve better in a marriage. You deserve to be treated with respect and supported instead of criticized. You deserve to be happy. One way or another you will get there.

Codependent no more is a great book. It really puts persepctive on things. The key to feeling better is to stop putting the focus on HIM and start putting it on YOU. He is who he is and nothing you say or do will change that. You only have control over yourself.

So knowing that, start doing things that make YOU happy. I started by exercising and eating healthier. I joined my neighbor in a zumba class and found I loved it! It's now my source of stress relief 2-3 times of week. I too felt very alone. I have 2 kids and no really close friends just lots of aquaintences. Build your support system. You have already started by posting here. I have made a big effort to be more social. Accept more invitations to do things. I am shy by nature so this was a tough one for me. When I really took a good look at things I saw how I was the one isolating myself by avoiding alot of people and things more than I should have been. Al-anon is also a great support if you can get to a meeting. If you cant, there are online, phone, chat and even facebook al-anon groups to start. These wont replace face to face meeting but can defintely be a support in the meantime. Good luck. You may feel confused and lost right now but slowly things will start to become clearer for you. Feel free to post anytime.
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