carmen220

I've been in a relationship with an A for awhile now. Initially, I moved forward because he'd always said that he's working on it. In the beginning I believed that was possible since I've never known any As.

I worried about him. then I worried about me. then I worried about a financial future, then I worried about when his moods might change.

So, I learned to enjoy the best of him, when I could, because I enjoy his friendship and humor and love the balanced side of him.

Unfortunately, I know that he doesn't stay balanced. One issue that has me feeling guilty right now is sexually. Apparently, even though I love him, I have somewhat lost my desire. I'm not sure where this is coming from and I feel guilty.

I THINK it came from the fact that he wants me to feel this way while he's drunk. AND I don't. When I tell him this, he thinks it's an excuse; that I just don't value it as much as him. Instead of letting things unfold naturally and romantically, he expects it, which then turns me off again. He wants to know why I don't act and do certain things (that he thinks another woman would do). I feel it's because I want romance; I don't want it to be expected. It turns me off when he's crass (which is often) and I don't want my boyfriend to be drunk.

Do other woman feel this way? I don't know if I should feel guilt or if it's a natural side effect of being in a relationship with an A? Again, he is usually kind, thoughtful and a good person, but then this stuff comes out, and my libido crashes. The more he gets mad at me and expects it, the more I feel like pulling away.

Patticakes

Honestly, I think your feelings are totally normal in this case. Why would you feel like being intimate with someone who is drunk and crass?? Been there, done that. Honestly the more he tries to put the problem on you the more he does not have to look at himself. Neat little trick.....if it works.

I suggest you listen to your gut.... our minds play tricks on us when we are trying to make a relationship with an active alcoholic work. Relationships with alcoholics don't follow ANY of the normal rules for healthy partners. Just sayin'...

Hang in there and please let go of that guilt! It is a worthless weight to carry.

HUGS!!

schnappi99

Sex gets tangled up in the alcoholic/codie situation. My RAW and I are in the midst of it- she has gone essentially sexually dormant for the last 5-6 years generally coincident with the increasing binge drinking and more recent chronic daily drinking. It seems to center on the alkie/codie dynamic we've developed. She's suggested my codie acting out is very unappealing and I think thats likely true and a significant part of it. For my part I've let our essentially 0 sex life turn into an obsession which I'm working hard on now w/ my alanon program, my codie acting out on that front turns into the pity party, lots of judgy considerations etc.

I find I have to generally avoid "poking" my libido- I avoid explicit movie scenes, sleep elsewhere if she wears something "interesting" to bed (she's quite clear that she's not interested- its nothing more than than PJ's for her). lol, no porn at all. The 3rd step challenge is to let go of the desire and move on. It doesn't stop the desire but at least I can retain a measure of serenity, even if its a bit sad.

It might be that I get fed up or I might not.. I am definitely not putting deadlines on this OTOH I do intend to periodically assess how I'm feeling- like a couple times/year- bearing in mind progress etc.

I've read that alcoholics can use sex as a weapon in several ways.. it might be she has but I really can't say... I do hope her efforts in recovery do lead to a reawakening of her sexual interest. After many years suffering from premature ejaculation I finally managed to overcome it just in time for our sexlife to peter out... man now is the time I'd really like to be living large in the sack.

HopefulinFLA

Yes, I think you're feelings are pretty normal. Drunk and crass are quite the opposite of romance. On top of that, him trying to make you feel like your the one with the problem puts pressure on you. None of this is conducive to a satisfying intimate relationship. Yuck!

My AH and I are not intimate when he's drinking either. He smells of stale vodka, his performance is lacking, and I'm angry and resentful. Sorry buddy, I'm not in the mood!

HealingWillCome

Other women definitely feel this way. What's desirable about sex with stinky, crass, unromantic partner? Um, nothing. I hope you stop feeling guilty about being turned off by that. YOU deserve to enjoy sex. Not deliver it just because HE expects it. Totally unacceptable.

fluffyflea

Probably normal to feel this way.

CantEvenDeal

So incredibly normal! I remember when my AH would come home drunk after a night at the bar and want to be intimate but I was repulsed. He was like a different person. He would get offended when I would "deny" him. He would then throw in the horrible line of "if you don't come in here and make love to me, I can easily go back out there to find one who would love to."

It ruined the last sacred thing we had left....

jarp

Normal from my perspective.

I used to say drunken sex is no fun when one of you is drunk!!!! NOT THAT I AM SUGGESTING THE ALTERNATIVE!

Now I smell alcohol, see his sloppy face, and it runs me right off.

NWGRITS

Completely normal. That being said, intimacy is a huge part of relationships. Not just sex, but being able to be close to your partner and enjoy their presence. I'm not going to enjoy sitting with a sloppy drunk while talking about my day any more than I would enjoy sex with said sloppy drunk. Especially with the verbal and emotional abuse aspect of it all. Yes, it's normal. But the whole situation is completely unhealthy. You deserve to be with someone who desires intimacy with you on an equal level. Genuine, loving, sober intimacy (not to say you couldn't get tipsy once in a while and run off to the laundry room, but that's not alcoholic intimacy). You deserve better. You. Youyouyou. Did I mention that YOU deserve better?

BoxinRotz

Makes me want to yell out... Yer Dinah is ready and throw it at him!

Sloppy Joes ya horse's hinus!

carmen220

Thanks for the feedback. It's difficult. He acts hurt and I feel bad, but I try to explain my feelings. I try to say, I don't like it when your drunk. Then, when he's sober, he wants me to make up for the many times that he's drunk, and I'm not in the mood, because I don't want to get it done to satisfy him quickly, so he can get drunk again. I also feel like subconsciously, things are stuck in my head ... things he's said or behaviors he's done (while drunk) and that effects me too. It takes time to get over that stuff and get back to feeling romantically.

I also don't understand the crass stuff; I wonder if alcohol is responsible for that. I tell him I don't like it and it feels disrespectful, but he thinks I should understand that he's just kidding.

One thing I've realized. Speaking for myself, as a woman, I feel that my emotional state really effects my libido, even on a subconscious level.. even if I love someone.

Blossom717

haha Jarp - I used to say the same thing!

Sex with someone who won't remember it, reeks of alcohol and doesn't have good hygiene is not a turn on for me.

Patticakes

Carmen, he is playing with your head. Don't ever underestimate the damage than can be done when he is drunk and even when he is not. Manipulation is one of the alcoholics favorite tools in his/her toolbox.

WendyOR

This has nothing to do with me, but, my xabf used to always tell me how his ex wife withheld sex from him all the time (this is when we met and he wasn't drinking), and I felt bad for him.... again believing all of his words. Now seeing this it opens my eyes so much.

HopefulinFLA

Yes!! It's sometimes hard to lose that image of him drunk, sweaty, and gross, or the way he makes me feel when he ditches me on a Friday night to get hammered. And it takes time to feel loving and affectionate again, just enough time for him to get over his hangover and go at it again.

Yep. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you like them in that moment. Personally, I can't be intimate with someone I don't like, never mind someone who in that moment repulses me. I think that's one way men and women are very very different.