How do you stop caring??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 13
How do you stop caring??
Hello again,
I have written on here a couple times, but tend to look on the threads often.
I have been on and off with an A for almost 8 years now. For the past 3 months, I have RARELY seen him, I was going no contact for a while, which really helped to start moving on, but for some reason, I always want to contact him, even when I am feeling good.
I don't even know why I do this. I don't know why I even care what he is doing in his life. Recently he said he was going to AA (for a little over a week now) and I know not to get excited about this, but for some stupid reason, it gave me hope. I asked him to prove that he is going, and he did send some pictures of the building and him inside....I actually felt better about things. He actually acted different, but that lasted about 4-5 days, until I let him come over. I hung out with him and his daughter this past weekend and it went ok. He was acting ok and still went to meetings.
Well, low and behold Monday night, he said he was going to a meeting (but stopped sending pictures at this point) and call me after to say he was at his brother's for a little and had to get home early because he had to go to the union hall in the early am.
I thought that was weird since he really never calls me. I texted him goodnight a little later and got no response. He then calls me back a while later (12am-which seems late if he has to get up early??) and had a different sound in his voice (his tone of voice changes when he is drinking). He said that him and his brother ate the tomato that I gave him and it was sooo good. I said to him, so you drove around all day in a hot car with the tomato in it and then ate it (bc I gave it to him earlier that day)?? Wouldn't it be rotten? He paused for about 30 secs and then eventually said that he got it at his house. I was like, you called me at your brother's house, so you went back home to get one tomato? Now, I know this sounds like no big deal, but to a guy that has 7 dollars to his name, why would he drive to his brother's then drive back home to grab one tomato to eat with his brother?? I questioned him then he said, ok, I really drove back there to get weed (brother doesn't smoke weed) what's the problem?? Then later he said he went back to get his brother's space heater to give back to him (first off it's summer, secondly, he said he gave the space heater back at the end of the winter).
I proceeded to get mad, accuse him of lying, and we argued the entire next day. I can't help but feel like he totally lied; about what, I don't know....was he even at his brother's and this was all an act?? In the past, this guy used to tell me he was sleeping, and then I would see a picture on facebook with him at a bar.
I admit, I went off on him about a freaking tomato. I know this is childish and I know I acted childish and I don't like myself for this.
He sent me a text saying, ok, I lied, I went to a strip club, smoked crack, and beat up a homeless child"...trying to be funny, but I can't help but think he lied and is turning this all around on me because I did act out.
So, how in the heck do I move on from this behavior?? I can't help but question everything he does and to be honest, I don't even know if I love him. That's why I don't know why I even give a Sh** what he is doing. It's like I can't stand to be lied to and need to prove him wrong. I have this overwhelming urge to contact him and I don't know why. When I think about it, even if he did get sober, I don't think he could ever be a real man. He rarely works and acts like more of a teenager than an adult.
For all of those that have acted irrationally and reacted to their A's, how do you let go and move on. I just want to be happy. I am starting a nursing program in a couple of weeks and hopefully I will be so busy I won't have anytime to think about him. I am embarrassed for arguing with him about the stupidest things and I know I shouldn't be talking to him at all.
Thanks
I have written on here a couple times, but tend to look on the threads often.
I have been on and off with an A for almost 8 years now. For the past 3 months, I have RARELY seen him, I was going no contact for a while, which really helped to start moving on, but for some reason, I always want to contact him, even when I am feeling good.
I don't even know why I do this. I don't know why I even care what he is doing in his life. Recently he said he was going to AA (for a little over a week now) and I know not to get excited about this, but for some stupid reason, it gave me hope. I asked him to prove that he is going, and he did send some pictures of the building and him inside....I actually felt better about things. He actually acted different, but that lasted about 4-5 days, until I let him come over. I hung out with him and his daughter this past weekend and it went ok. He was acting ok and still went to meetings.
Well, low and behold Monday night, he said he was going to a meeting (but stopped sending pictures at this point) and call me after to say he was at his brother's for a little and had to get home early because he had to go to the union hall in the early am.
I thought that was weird since he really never calls me. I texted him goodnight a little later and got no response. He then calls me back a while later (12am-which seems late if he has to get up early??) and had a different sound in his voice (his tone of voice changes when he is drinking). He said that him and his brother ate the tomato that I gave him and it was sooo good. I said to him, so you drove around all day in a hot car with the tomato in it and then ate it (bc I gave it to him earlier that day)?? Wouldn't it be rotten? He paused for about 30 secs and then eventually said that he got it at his house. I was like, you called me at your brother's house, so you went back home to get one tomato? Now, I know this sounds like no big deal, but to a guy that has 7 dollars to his name, why would he drive to his brother's then drive back home to grab one tomato to eat with his brother?? I questioned him then he said, ok, I really drove back there to get weed (brother doesn't smoke weed) what's the problem?? Then later he said he went back to get his brother's space heater to give back to him (first off it's summer, secondly, he said he gave the space heater back at the end of the winter).
I proceeded to get mad, accuse him of lying, and we argued the entire next day. I can't help but feel like he totally lied; about what, I don't know....was he even at his brother's and this was all an act?? In the past, this guy used to tell me he was sleeping, and then I would see a picture on facebook with him at a bar.
I admit, I went off on him about a freaking tomato. I know this is childish and I know I acted childish and I don't like myself for this.
He sent me a text saying, ok, I lied, I went to a strip club, smoked crack, and beat up a homeless child"...trying to be funny, but I can't help but think he lied and is turning this all around on me because I did act out.
So, how in the heck do I move on from this behavior?? I can't help but question everything he does and to be honest, I don't even know if I love him. That's why I don't know why I even give a Sh** what he is doing. It's like I can't stand to be lied to and need to prove him wrong. I have this overwhelming urge to contact him and I don't know why. When I think about it, even if he did get sober, I don't think he could ever be a real man. He rarely works and acts like more of a teenager than an adult.
For all of those that have acted irrationally and reacted to their A's, how do you let go and move on. I just want to be happy. I am starting a nursing program in a couple of weeks and hopefully I will be so busy I won't have anytime to think about him. I am embarrassed for arguing with him about the stupidest things and I know I shouldn't be talking to him at all.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Honey, you did not go off about a tomato. You went off because you were being fed a huge line of BS and your know it. That's why you went off. Do you go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? It would help you.
As far as moving on, being happy...you have to look at him and his actions and decide if being with someone like that could ever let you be happy. Don't be embarrassed, just learn from this and move on. You are right, go No Contact and you would be lots happier!
As far as moving on, being happy...you have to look at him and his actions and decide if being with someone like that could ever let you be happy. Don't be embarrassed, just learn from this and move on. You are right, go No Contact and you would be lots happier!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 78
Hey Thisgirl
I also am a big reactor and obsess and worry what the alcoholic/addict is doing at times... It's very common behavior for someone dealing with the disease of addiction... Especially when we are constantly being lied to or let down.. The truth is you have to find your happiness within... I was in a relationship prior to this recent one for over a decade with my son's father and I also don't even think I truly loved him... I became addicted to the behavior, riding that rollercoaster, being involved with chaos, etc... It's not about love anymore.. It's about being affected with the disease and doing things differently.. It's uncomfortable for us to do different... It's uncomfortable to have peace... We start to reminisce about how things used to be and may even try to convince ourselves that things weren't so bad.. This doesn't mean we should go back, even though we feel pressure to do so... Positive changes don't always feel right at first. On those days when going back may seem easier, we can trust that our Higher Power has guided us to this point in our lives. We are precisely where we need to be... I just got back from chairing an Alanon meeting, because that was the next right thing I needed to do for me, so I didn't pick up (Respond to me ex).. He is my addiction and as long as I don't involve myself with the drug (my ex) I can stay clean and get healthy.. It's the hardest thing in the world to break this pattern- I lived it for so long, but I do understand if I don't , I will never have that happiness and serenity I long for and want so badly... If you continue to use, just like the addict, you will lose everything you have... So no matter how uncomfortable it feels, do differently and trust that there is a better life awaiting you if you truly want it bad enough.... xoxox
I also am a big reactor and obsess and worry what the alcoholic/addict is doing at times... It's very common behavior for someone dealing with the disease of addiction... Especially when we are constantly being lied to or let down.. The truth is you have to find your happiness within... I was in a relationship prior to this recent one for over a decade with my son's father and I also don't even think I truly loved him... I became addicted to the behavior, riding that rollercoaster, being involved with chaos, etc... It's not about love anymore.. It's about being affected with the disease and doing things differently.. It's uncomfortable for us to do different... It's uncomfortable to have peace... We start to reminisce about how things used to be and may even try to convince ourselves that things weren't so bad.. This doesn't mean we should go back, even though we feel pressure to do so... Positive changes don't always feel right at first. On those days when going back may seem easier, we can trust that our Higher Power has guided us to this point in our lives. We are precisely where we need to be... I just got back from chairing an Alanon meeting, because that was the next right thing I needed to do for me, so I didn't pick up (Respond to me ex).. He is my addiction and as long as I don't involve myself with the drug (my ex) I can stay clean and get healthy.. It's the hardest thing in the world to break this pattern- I lived it for so long, but I do understand if I don't , I will never have that happiness and serenity I long for and want so badly... If you continue to use, just like the addict, you will lose everything you have... So no matter how uncomfortable it feels, do differently and trust that there is a better life awaiting you if you truly want it bad enough.... xoxox
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 13
Thanks for the responses. I know I need to trust myself however I feel so stupid for beleiving he was changing. He's right back to being a selfish guy again (ignoring calls and screaming at me) and I feel for the crying and promises. I know when something is off and I have to trust my gut. What gets me is that I made all this progress and was feeling really good and then this incident just brought me back to feeling bad again. I know I shouldn't even be taking to him at all because although I say I won't, I fall for his bs. When he cries and tells me these things it makes me feel he actually loves me. I'm starting to realize that the real problem lies within me. I'm willing to accept a manipulative liar just to have the feeling that someone loves me, when in actuality he doesn't love me. I wonder why he even does this back and forth with me and what he is getting out of it. But I should be wondering why am I doing this and allowing it. Ughh. I just wish I could get this off my mind. I have to keep telling myself if he wanted to be sober and be the guy he says he does, he would be doing it. I wouldn't have to constantly monitor and encourage him to make sure he is going to aa or talk to him to see what he is getting out of it. I think I should go ahead and block his number for now and take a deep breath. Thanks for listening.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 13
It is a pattern that needs to be broken. And I have gone to alanon before and it was mostly wives and parents. He is just my boyfriend so I felt silly. It's like I could've left at any moment because I truly have no ties with him. I would like to go back and may have to find the time. I work full time and go to school so it's hard rugby now to make that times. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
You will gradually let go. It takes time. You may always care but you dont always have to stay in contact. Just keep busy like you are and stay connected to healthy people at church, This board, Alanon, your friends, family, etc...
The more time you spend with healthy people, the more you will realize how unhealthy he is.
The more time you spend with healthy people, the more you will realize how unhealthy he is.
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