AnotherAlkie

After making it for about two weeks I had a pretty weak mixed drink and a couple of jello shots at a wedding shower eight days ago. I'd prefer not getting into why I went to a party with alcohol or why I picked up the bottle again. Right now being an alcoholic is going to have to suffice for an answer.

Please don't interpret this as a judgement of SR or an indication that I don't want to recover -- it's neither of those things. I just want to vent, is all.

Anyway, ONCE AGAIN I've learned that while I'm fine with drinking a small amount at social gatherings, I can't do it, because it makes me start craving a bottle to keep for myself home. And the thing is, I can't be left alone with a bottle in my own home. Ever. Ever ever ever. Because I'll drink all of it, even if I don't want to, because I have this dang disease.

I'm mad at myself for two reasons: I had gotten to the point where I wasn't having cravings and actually felt better, and also because when I do drink at social gatherings it flips that f-ing switch right back on. "That was fun, right? We didn't get drunk, right? You'll be fine if you keep a bit of liquor around, now that you have had some time off".

But. I'm proud that my brain is at least re-wired enough to recognize my what I call my alcohol voice from my actual inner thoughts. So, I haven't actually gotten any liquor and I'm getting back to the part where I don't have cravings. Still, it's so hard. I can't help but feel like such a loser when this happens. Like, REALLY, AGAIN? I don't do other things that have burned me in the past. Just this nonsense. So, yeah, just wanted to vent.

trachemys

Have you visited the Rational Recovery website? If not, go there and take the AVRT Crash Course. It's your thinking taken to a logical and beneficial conclusion.

PurpleKnight

You can do this!!

AnotherAlkie

ScottFromWI: This thread posted twice but I saw you replied on the one I deleted. So, here.


Thanks!

Intensive out-patient group therapy, individual group therapy with a counselor, 12-step meetings, and a sponsor.

I know you're trying to help but this is why I didn't want advice. I have never accepted something so fully in my entire life as I have my alcoholism. It comes off a bit judgmental to me to presume because I fought myself and lost I haven't accepted I'm an alcoholic.

I will live and die with an addicted brain...I think it's safe to assume I will have an internal struggle at least occasionally with whether or not to pick up the first drink for the rest of what I hope will be a long and sober life exactly because I have accepted that I can't pick up the first drink -- ever. It's the nature of addiction. I can't bully my brain into not thinking "Gee, this time it'll be ok"; all I can do is learn to answer it with "No, it won't" and hopefully the battle gets easier and doesn't last as long after awhile.

ScottFromWI

That's actually not a safe assumption. It' is entirely possible to reach a point in sobriety where you don't even consider picking up the first drink. And that's not advice, that's a fact I've learned from personal experience and seeing the same in others. Both in real life and vicariously here on SR.

AnotherAlkie

As it is entirely possible to reach a point in sobriety and pick up a drink after not having done so for decades.

I don't know which one I'll be down the line -- right now I'm still fighting.

ScottFromWI

It will get better - accepting/surrendering is a lot easier than fighting it in my experience. Early on it's overwhelming to be sure, I would have never in my decades of drinking fathomed that I'd be sober at this point in my life. Beer was my life, and every single thing I did revolved around it. My family is well known for being able to drink and not see ill efects from it. But i'm different - i was able to drink as much as I wanted to, literally whenever I wanted to for a long time. But it caught up with me. Drinking became something I NEEDED to function, i no longer drank because I liked it.

Having said all that, I was able to find peace and a better life without alcohol. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy my life before the drinking got bad, I wouldn't trade those days for anyting. But I accept that i will never, ever be able to go back to those days.

Dee74

Call me Captain Obvious but you're actually not fine with drinking a small amount at social occasions if it leads to cravings or binges later.

I'm not picking on you
I think it's an important point to make.

You're leaving yourself a little 'get out clause' there.

Again, I'm sorry -I think thats another get out clause.

I work hard for my recovery. My life now supports my recovery and my recovery supports my life.
It's pretty nifty

I know several people here with decades of sobriety.
2 of my mentors here died with 20 and 30 years recovery.

It is possible - I don't believe focusing on the possibility of relapse is not conducive to lasting success.

.D

Tonymblue

Im exactly the same. I dont have to drink i have been around drinkers. I order a ginger ale from the bar and tell the bartender my situation(most have heard it many times) hell keep refilling. No peer pressure cause the drink in my hand. However, even 1 beer and its on. Its hard to comprehend even for myself. Im jeckyll and hyde. So now i have accepted the fact that i cant ever drink again. Once i did it was the weight of the world taken off me.

AnotherAlkie

I'm sorry I prefaced a statement with "once again". Arguing with myself was the biggest hurdle I had to jump before I admitted I was an alcoholic and can't drink ever. I was frustrated with myself because I know I'm an alcoholic.

I'm an alcoholic, I can never drink again.

I do think "I'm fine drinking socially" was ok as it was directly followed by:

I'm obviously not fine to drink socially so no need for the condescending "You're NOT fine" -- I KNOW. I can't drink in a house with a mouse or on a boat with a goat. Not here, not there, not anywhere.

Because I am an an alcoholic and can't drink ever again. Which was further clarified with:

I don't want to turn the switch on. Because I'm an alcoholic and I can't ever drink again.

So, thank God I have my sub abuse shrink, my sub abuse certified addiction therapist, AA, my sponsor, and my incredibly supportive friends. Because I'm sure as hell not staying somewhere addiction is something I HAVENT ADMITTED TO HAVING BECAUSE I STILL THINK ABOUT DRINKING and admitting I don't know what the future holds IS AN EXCUSE TO DRINK?

Damn. Forget this place. Please feel free to take "my supportive friends" out of context and pretend they're the temptresses I keep in my life so I can drink because I couldn't possibly be referring to an event with other people where I ****** up because I'm an addict which is an excuse because I haven't accepted I'm an addict.

VikingGF

AnotherAlkie- You were two weeks sober, you're going to get advice here! That being said, identifying with being an alcoholic is the biggest, baddest part of all this for me, and I have wrangled with this solidly for two years before actually realizing I don't just HAVE to stop, I WANT to stop. That's the difference this time. I feel your pain and your frustration! I hope you stay and wish you all the best.

Lisa.