Update
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Update
Hope you don't mind an update as this is really good for me to record this somewhere, and I've had such great feedback and advice and support from everyone.
AH is still out of the house. He's begged, he's turned up on the front door step wi all his bags....I've resisted. It's been really hard, I won't lie.
Twice I have had calls saying he's going to kill himself, and twice I've resisted going to him and instead have called the police and ambos to deal with him. Both times released.....psych assessment says he's not suicidal, just highly manipulative, depressed and narcissistic - not coping wi the 'power shift' between us.
He's now saying he wants detox and rehab. I'm not overly hopeful as he's not actually saying he wants to get sober and recover...but I'll take it for what it is. He's waiting for a bed.
I'm ok - everyone is being really supportive, the kids have been good...doing ok...son misses daddy and is asking when he is coming home. I've just been offerd another days work - from home yippee - so it doesn't interfere with after school activities.
I'm trying to think through financial implications. I've moved jar money to where AH can't access it. He's chewing through about $150 a day in alcohol....don't know whether I should cut off his access to that account.....or is that being too codie. The reason (I think) is because I need to protect our finances, not bc I think it will stop him drinking. But if I do that how does he buy food....and isn't that financial abuse?
Advice would be much appreciated....or shared experiences....thoughts?!!
AH is still out of the house. He's begged, he's turned up on the front door step wi all his bags....I've resisted. It's been really hard, I won't lie.
Twice I have had calls saying he's going to kill himself, and twice I've resisted going to him and instead have called the police and ambos to deal with him. Both times released.....psych assessment says he's not suicidal, just highly manipulative, depressed and narcissistic - not coping wi the 'power shift' between us.
He's now saying he wants detox and rehab. I'm not overly hopeful as he's not actually saying he wants to get sober and recover...but I'll take it for what it is. He's waiting for a bed.
I'm ok - everyone is being really supportive, the kids have been good...doing ok...son misses daddy and is asking when he is coming home. I've just been offerd another days work - from home yippee - so it doesn't interfere with after school activities.
I'm trying to think through financial implications. I've moved jar money to where AH can't access it. He's chewing through about $150 a day in alcohol....don't know whether I should cut off his access to that account.....or is that being too codie. The reason (I think) is because I need to protect our finances, not bc I think it will stop him drinking. But if I do that how does he buy food....and isn't that financial abuse?
Advice would be much appreciated....or shared experiences....thoughts?!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
I'm trying to think through financial implications. I've moved jar money to where AH can't access it. He's chewing through about $150 a day in alcohol....don't know whether I should cut off his access to that account.....or is that being too codie. The reason (I think) is because I need to protect our finances, not bc I think it will stop him drinking. But if I do that how does he buy food....and isn't that financial abuse?
If you can't stand cutting him off completely, then at least open an account in your own name (preferably at a different bank), and move the majority of the funds into that account.
You have to do whatever is legally necessary to protect yourself and your children. He'll figure out a way to get his alcohol. He's not as interested, at this point, in food.
Major kudos to you for being strong!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Jarp, you're doing so well. I can't imagine how hard it must be with the pressure your AH is putting on you...wow! And yet it's forced him finally getting serious about detox, and who knows where that will lead.
Regarding the money, you have to pay family upkeep, so that's bills, food, insurance, school expenses etc There are plenty of online lists you can use to remind you. Once the necessities are out of the way you'll need an emergency fund for, you know..emergencies.
If you have some money left, by all means allocate a fair amount to both of you to spend as required and for AH's expenses. Your AH will spend it on alcohol, and when he runs out he runs out. I can't believe he's spending $150 day! He must be drinking in bars. Just be prepared for some feedback from him if he loses access to unlimited funds, and make sure any credit cards are in his name only.
It's not controlling or punishing, it's protecting your mutual assets.
Regarding the money, you have to pay family upkeep, so that's bills, food, insurance, school expenses etc There are plenty of online lists you can use to remind you. Once the necessities are out of the way you'll need an emergency fund for, you know..emergencies.
If you have some money left, by all means allocate a fair amount to both of you to spend as required and for AH's expenses. Your AH will spend it on alcohol, and when he runs out he runs out. I can't believe he's spending $150 day! He must be drinking in bars. Just be prepared for some feedback from him if he loses access to unlimited funds, and make sure any credit cards are in his name only.
It's not controlling or punishing, it's protecting your mutual assets.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Seriously?? Is that a typo? $150 A DAY???? Wow!
Think of it this way, if you were to spend that on purses or something and he said something.... i think that would be the right thing to do bc thats way too much to spend every day on anything!
Your doing great!!
Think of it this way, if you were to spend that on purses or something and he said something.... i think that would be the right thing to do bc thats way too much to spend every day on anything!
Your doing great!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Good for you for standing strong Jarp. I know it's hard but you're doing fantastic.
$150 a day is scary ridiculous! I agree with th others. You need to protect yourself and your kids.
If it were me, I'd open an account at another bank for household stuff, and give him a weekly allowance in the account he has access to. Is he working?
$150 a day is scary ridiculous! I agree with th others. You need to protect yourself and your kids.
If it were me, I'd open an account at another bank for household stuff, and give him a weekly allowance in the account he has access to. Is he working?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
He's started a new job which I can't imagine he still has! But he (did) earn 4x what I do...and he's always reminded me of that....so it sort of makes me nervous.
No...$150 a day (Aussie dollars...but I think the exchange rate is similar) is not a type. It's mainly from bottle shops...is a wine drinker....also probably cigarettes too....and some fro bars.
You are all right. Anyway this mortgage is his too...so he needs to be responsible for that...even if I have to force it by moving the money and giving him limited funds.
Do I tell him....
No...$150 a day (Aussie dollars...but I think the exchange rate is similar) is not a type. It's mainly from bottle shops...is a wine drinker....also probably cigarettes too....and some fro bars.
You are all right. Anyway this mortgage is his too...so he needs to be responsible for that...even if I have to force it by moving the money and giving him limited funds.
Do I tell him....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
150 Australian dollars is $140 USD. An insane amount to spend per day on alcohol!! What does wine cost in Australia??
Cut him off from that account, IMO. Are you able to? If he's working he can buy food with his salary.
Jarp, kudos on how very well you handle the suicide threats.
Cut him off from that account, IMO. Are you able to? If he's working he can buy food with his salary.
Jarp, kudos on how very well you handle the suicide threats.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
He'll figure it out, and he'll be mad no matter how he finds out. I would just do it and duck his calls/texts for a few days until he cools off. Or just tell him you need that money for the mortgage and he can start panhandling if he needs to supplement his income. Wow, that's a freaking fortune to drink every day. What a waste. Hugs jarp. That is total craziness.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by jarp 
Do I tell him....
The danger would be if he diverts his salary into a new account just for himself, which he could easily do, and would force you to seek mandated support.
These things can get messy quickly, so take advantage of any good will on his part while you can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
He's got a job but hasn't shown up for the last week and a half. Told them he had to move out of home and is too emotional to come to work (as he tells me). It's a high level role, but he's new, so he will lose his job soon no doubt.
Wine is between $15-20 a bottle. Cigarettes $25 a pack. Bartab $60-80 per day. A glass of wine is typically $10 a glass. Cost of being an alcoholic is expensive in Australia!!!
I'll ration him an amount, will send msg with details of weekly expenses required and give him an amount after that.
Thanks everyone.
Wine is between $15-20 a bottle. Cigarettes $25 a pack. Bartab $60-80 per day. A glass of wine is typically $10 a glass. Cost of being an alcoholic is expensive in Australia!!!
I'll ration him an amount, will send msg with details of weekly expenses required and give him an amount after that.
Thanks everyone.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'd definitely move the money before telling him I was doing so (I wouldn't tip my hand); definitely keep an accounting of the household expenses.
And because I'm just that way - I'd be taking an amount equal to what he is spending in his habits in cash out of the account & stashing away to build my emergency cash fund separate from any checking or savings accounts, so long as the budget could handle that extra expense. But, that's me, I'm not saying it's the "right" thing to do.
And because I'm just that way - I'd be taking an amount equal to what he is spending in his habits in cash out of the account & stashing away to build my emergency cash fund separate from any checking or savings accounts, so long as the budget could handle that extra expense. But, that's me, I'm not saying it's the "right" thing to do.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Wine is between $15-20 a bottle. Cigarettes $25 a pack. Bartab $60-80 per day. A glass of wine is typically $10 a glass. Cost of being an alcoholic is expensive in Australia!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
psych assessment says he's not suicidal, just highly manipulative, depressed and narcissistic - not coping wi the 'power shift' between us.
As for the $150 a day, cut him off now, you need to provide for the children. My ex made a lot more than I do (until he was fired)...yours can work on keeping his job to buy his booze.
P.S. You are doing great
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
My lawyer advised me to move half the funds into a separate account that only I have access too. That is what is legal in my state. I certainly would not be comfortable with someone spending that much on alcohol on a daily basis. You, the kids and the bills come first.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Holy crap! I moved money out of our account without telling, I never regretted it for a second. I have kids to support, a mortgage to pay, all that jazz. Those are his responsibilities too, so I did not feel bad at all.
XXX
XXX
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
At least can you set up a new sole named checking account for your income?!! . . . switching your income doesn't need his permission.
With regards the overall situation, he needs to be Sober and in a plan of recovery, talk is not good enough, actions speak louder than words would be my view!!
With regards the overall situation, he needs to be Sober and in a plan of recovery, talk is not good enough, actions speak louder than words would be my view!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 66
I just emptied our joint savings (except a few hundred dollars) and opened up a new savings in just my name. You need to protect yourself financially.
My AH was never allowed to have cash yet he still found a way to pay for his addiction. Don't let him feed his addiction on your dime.
My AH was never allowed to have cash yet he still found a way to pay for his addiction. Don't let him feed his addiction on your dime.
Originally Posted by jarp
I'm trying to think through financial implications. I've moved jar money to where AH can't access it. He's chewing through about $150 a day in alcohol....don't know whether I should cut off his access to that account.....or is that being too codie. The reason (I think) is because I need to protect our finances, not bc I think it will stop him drinking. But if I do that how does he buy food....and isn't that financial abuse?
Advice would be much appreciated....or shared experiences....thoughts?!!
Advice would be much appreciated....or shared experiences....thoughts?!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by 53500
$25 ($23 USD) for a pack of cigarettes?! Holy sh*t. The other prices are incredible also. I agree wth Firesprite, move the money first.
Move the money!!
glad to hear you are doing well, however.
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