ForgetfulKevin

I've been putting this off for a day or more -- I kept getting distracted and couldn't focus my digressive thoughts into a coherent, short post -- but I should just go ahead and write something even if it's not the perfect post.

The past few days I have been planning on drinking again starting next payday. Money in pocket, the weekend free, guzzle guzzle guzzle. Lush smiley face in a golden sky. Luckily I only have about twenty cents to my name at the moment.

The danger has passed for now, but obviously I had forgotten whatever drove me to quit and didn't really care whether I stayed sober long-term.

I reread my earliest posts and that helped only slightly. The "CONSEQUENCES" thread" and the "Dee appreciation" thread have helped this evening, but earlier today I was reading the "consequences" thread and it wasn't much of a deterrent, not because it was shorter then, but because of a kind of detachment and tuning out while I was reading.

I suppose by posting at all I'm still giving long-term sobriety a chance, but sometimes I'm not sure I have a steady inner majority that really wants it. Maybe the tide is turning toward sobriety just from having the SR of reality and imagination buzzing around in my head all day. Or maybe not.

Well, I should stop editing and reconsidering and just let other people have their say now. Thanks for your feedback.

P.S. -- I'm going to bed soon -- will check back in the morning.

MIRecovery

If you want to go back to the pain and suffering then drink. If you want your life back stay sober.

Recovery is all about choices both good and bad

Tonymblue

Man hang in there. Youve gone 41 days. Thats no small thing. I havent had 41 days since i can remember. Push through those cravings.

sparklingwater

I'm at day 40 so we are nearly in the same place. Keep reading and posting! You will regret drinking and may not come out of it. Good luck and hope to hear from you!

Olive1

Is that why your name is ForgetfulKevin?

When I wanted to not be sober, I just followed through on what would happen if I were to drink. That usually stopped any relapse from happening.
Making a list of all that I am grateful for helps me stay sober as well!

Croissant

Gosh, you really are forgetful!

You know your brain is lying to you, right?

So you'd be drinking on a false promise that it would be great.

Croissant

lol, we must have been posting at the same time!

courage2

I'm so glad! There have been many nights when just sticking by SR has been all that's kept me from drinking. Tomorrow is a new day -- get yourself involved in something physical or mentally engaging. Keep the days piling up and one day you'll find it's getting easier and easier not to drink -- and better & better!

Are you in the June 2014 daily support group?

SoberHoopsFan

Kevin - you and I got sober around the exact same time, from most of your previous posts you seemed to be pleased with sobriety? I think this is a strong craving that will pass, and good you didn't act on it. For me, I have no desire to go back, my life is finally starting to make some sense, but the second I take that drink I could lose it all again. I know there will still be many tough days ahead, but life has been simpler and far more healthy and manageable while sober. Maybe do a cost/benefit analysis of your drinking? That's from SMART, it really brings into focus the short and long term benefits of drinking/quitting. But you already know where the bottle leads, for whatever immediate relief it promises, the end result will be no good at all, and possibly disastrous.

GotGrace

Kevin, I admire you for posting and being honest. I hope you won't choose to drink. I know sometimes it is awfully tempting. Keep reading and posting and really think it through. How would you really feel once you had to stop, in order to go to work or wherever? What would you think of yourself?

Again, I admire your honesty and I understand the desire. But, again, I hope you choose sobriety.

leviathan

celebrate payday the morning after! wake up early. make coffee. listen to the birds. and-wonder aloud at how crappy you would be feeling if you had caved. laugh in its face!

hey courage-bitchin avatar. still hard to believe, eh?

Waterfalls2014

Hi Forgetful, there has to be a reason your here. Remember why you quit. Remember the things you left behind. Remember the days you have in and don't want to lose. Sometimes we need a break from SR but that doesn't mean we have to go back to our addiction. Maybe hang out with a sober friend tomorrow and get some fresh air. Best wishes to you!

LadyinBC

First congrats on 41 days. That is huge.

These are just my thoughts and what has worked for me. I tend to over think and over complicate things.

Long-term for me equals forever and I can't wrap my head around that. For me it just makes it complicated. Hence why I always try to keep things simple as you can see by the words over my avatar.

All that is required of me today, is to get thru today without drinking. That is it.

Each day I wake up and I have a choice. I can choose to stay sober or I can choose to get drunk. I just get by one day at a time because as much as I want to I can't predict the future.

I am not saying that this is always easy, cause it is not. I have good days and bad days and I don't have to have a bad day in order to want a drink. It really comes down to how bad I want to stay sober. That is really how I make it simple for me.

Tiptree

I feel like having a drink too, I really, really do. This summer sh** is hard. But then I think how my sweet, loyal dog died in my arms. Knew she was old and sick but was too drunk to drive to the emergency vet that night, thought I could wait until morning..... Think about how I never had a straight conversation with my dad, my best friend, the year he was dying. Think about all the times I drove drunk. Think about how I sat on my ass drinking and not giving a sh** about anything but that next drink. Letting my marriage go, letting myself go. So many awful unforgivable things. What a piece of sh** alcohol makes me.

Why did you quit?

battypatty

Forgetful: Look at what you did. You made a plan to drink and then you came here and ratted yourself out. I know that feeling when we actually PLAN to drink. Seems like drinking HAS to happen, no choice involved. But then you came here. An incredible act of strength in the pursuit of sobriety. I think you'll do fine on payday.

mecanix

Kevin ,
drinking will always be there . Why rush into the decision ?
Alcohol had it's claws into me for a lot longer than 41 days , a depression i didn't know i had went at about 6 months sober …

41 days is great and the early days are difficult to get through, but there is so much more to learn , to do and see sober , so much good in the world to find and i missed it when i was drinking because i was so wrapped up in that and my own "issues" . Maybe the same is true for you ?

I always thought i knew drinking inside out , i didn't know sobriety . Even in my most nihilistic and apathetic moments of sobriety , i accept where alcohol takes me, the slow shambling decline, the jingly nerves.
I've never been 3 years sober in my adult life and it's on the horizon , i have been 20 years a drunk though …

I'm sticking with sobriety , i hope you do too .

m

songthread

Hey, congratulations on 41 days!

Just want to let you know that you really helped me out one time….I was reading posts and yours struck me so hard that I copied it down, actually typed it out, titled it "Acceptance" and saved it in a word document so I could reference it when needed. I thought it was simple yet brilliant. Maybe it will help you reconsider drinking?

Here it is:

Acceptance: This is how I am, and this is how it is. It's a permanent condition.

Settled: Nothing more to think about. Already decided for good and obvious reasons. No need to reconsider. Case closed.

One less thing clears the way for many better things.

Not a loss: The big losses have already happened. It's a big opportunity and many little opportunities ahead in many areas.

Liberation: Out of the foggy and poisonous and delusional prison into a fresh new life.

originally posted by forgetful kevin

Dee74

hey Kevin

you drank for a lot of years right?

Change is a process not an event

give recovery a decent go - at least 3 months - you may find, like I did, you'll feel differently about what sobriety brings and about your chances then

MyTime86

Hang in there.. I had 83 days a few months ago, an was feeling great. then I gave in and drank an was bad to my drinking ways.. It's so painful it's hard to believe we do it to our selfs. Push through we can make it to the silver lining

afloatsober

Kevin
Thanks for sharing this.
The craving will pass if you don't give way.You will be both stronger and so grateful that you didn't cave when it does go.
For what its worth, not once in all the times that i gave way to the madness did things get or even seem better.
It always left me more despairing, battered and broken again, and knowing that if i could find it in myself to stop that i would have to try and drag myself back from hell yet again.
You can avoid all of that.
By not taking that first alcoholic drink.
And doing one thing today to help a fellow in recovery.
Be safe friend.
G