Taking responsibility
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Taking responsibility
With ABF starting his recovery process and me starting my own, I realized tonight that we both have things to apologize for, and not just to each other.
After Saturdays events, I feel like I should apologize to the family and friends that were involved with the drama. With me putting my plans into motion in the last few weeks/months, everything just came to a head for me Saturday. I drank too much, trying to go with the flow. That was a mistake. Mix that with everything else, it's not good. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my actions, my first reaction is to shut everyone involved off. But I'm going to face it, and then move on.
Ugh.
After Saturdays events, I feel like I should apologize to the family and friends that were involved with the drama. With me putting my plans into motion in the last few weeks/months, everything just came to a head for me Saturday. I drank too much, trying to go with the flow. That was a mistake. Mix that with everything else, it's not good. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my actions, my first reaction is to shut everyone involved off. But I'm going to face it, and then move on.
Ugh.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hi Blossom,
I wonder if you should let a bit of time pass before apologizing? I'd just hate to have a genuine apology of yours get twisted up in the first few days of you two trying to reunite. But I realize sometimes I can't rest until I spill my guilt...
I wonder if you should let a bit of time pass before apologizing? I'd just hate to have a genuine apology of yours get twisted up in the first few days of you two trying to reunite. But I realize sometimes I can't rest until I spill my guilt...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
You've made quite a few big decisions in the last few days.
Maybe sit on the apology for awhile.
You have been under quite a lot of stress and people know that.
Going back into your situation is going to take quite a bit of your mental energy
so maybe focus on that right at first.
Take care
Maybe sit on the apology for awhile.
You have been under quite a lot of stress and people know that.
Going back into your situation is going to take quite a bit of your mental energy
so maybe focus on that right at first.
Take care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
I definitely need to sit on the apology for a while. ABF talked to his brother last night about Saturday night (when abf inappropriately accused us of sleeping together). His brother is also an alcoholic. From what ABF said, it sounded like his brother maybe babied him a bit about it. So last night I started to feel like I was in the wrong. I slept on it. I still know that my reactions Saturday night were not the best, but I also know that I didn't give ABF any reason to say nasty things and I didn't make his brother leave and drive home drunk. (I had actually been making beds for everyone to not drive home).
So I'll sit on it, pray about it. I have a feeling he and his brother are going to down play it, and it might pull ABF back into drinking. But I'm not going to worry about that right now.
So I'll sit on it, pray about it. I have a feeling he and his brother are going to down play it, and it might pull ABF back into drinking. But I'm not going to worry about that right now.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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Blossom, it's okay to let yourself off the hook for this. You're trying to make sane choices in an insane situation. Some of them are going to be messy and weird.
Don't feel pressured to apologize, especially if nobody is demanding one from you. This is exactly one of those times when being kind to yourself and giving yourself the time and the space to learn why you did what you did and how not to repeat it again is extremely important. Learning and committing to change your actions is the best amends.
Don't feel pressured to apologize, especially if nobody is demanding one from you. This is exactly one of those times when being kind to yourself and giving yourself the time and the space to learn why you did what you did and how not to repeat it again is extremely important. Learning and committing to change your actions is the best amends.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
If you do try the 12-step work, make the amends in due time, please don't be in a rush - part of the lesson of doing the steps is learning patience with yourself and others, another is learning to respond instead of reacting. Might be that amends involves changes in yourself not just an apology. If you're thinking something really needs to be addressed then you might consider something like "I am sorry for acting out (ie whatever you did), and I would like to make amends more fully later on when I can do a better job" but step 9 does ask you to be mindful of your amends- your apologies should not add more hurt and it takes time (for me at least) to become aware of what others may find hurtful or not.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This...completely. It's all pretty raw right now, give it time.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Originally Posted by schnappi99 
If you do try the 12-step work, make the amends in due time, please don't be in a rush - part of the lesson of doing the steps is learning patience with yourself and others, another is learning to respond instead of reacting. Might be that amends involves changes in yourself not just an apology. If you're thinking something really needs to be addressed then you might consider something like "I am sorry for acting out (ie whatever you did), and I would like to make amends more fully later on when I can do a better job" but step 9 does ask you to be mindful of your amends- your apologies should not add more hurt and it takes time (for me at least) to become aware of what others may find hurtful or not.
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