beccamay

My mother is an alcoholic (my AM, as far as I understand from the acronyms?).

I feel hopeless, and lost, and in despair. I have no idea how to help her or myself. Even though this has always been a part of our lives, only recently I've started to learn about alcoholism and codependency. But I still feel so lost. I feel like I am starting to understand that I need to focus on myself... but I still don't understand how to detach emotionally from the problem... I still want to help her but I don't know how...

I looked up Al-Anon meetings. I hope to go to one tomorrow.

iamthird

Alanon will help, so will this forum. Just keep seeking info and working on things within your own control. It is so hard and emotional but you can do it! We will be a support system for you.

CodeJob

Welcome! I think your posts show how genuine and caring you are.

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie helped me detach and recognize a lot of my own behaviors. Reading here has helped me a ton too.

DoubleDragons

I am in the same situation. It is so upsetting. Boundaries, reading up on codependency, support here and at Alanna, and trusting that God loves our active alcoholics every bit as much as He loves us, helps me to let go. You are not alone.

FeelingGreat

Hi becca, welcome to SR. Just wondering, are you living at home still, or do you have your own family?

I think Alanon would be a great place to start, for you and your brother and father. Keep posting here as well, and make the posts as long as you need. You'll find lots of people who understand what you're going through.

beccamay

Thanks so much everyone.

FeelingGreat, I actually live abroad. I'm going to graduate school in another country. That makes me feel extra guilty. I feel as powerless there as I do here, though. I come home as often as I can (every break).

FeelingGreat

Hi becca, do you mind if I'm a little bit jealous of you living abroad? I hope you have enough left in you to really enjoy your time, and not spend every bit of emotion on your family circumstance.
You can't rescue other people, no matter where you are, without their consent. If your relatives are open to the idea of going to Alanon, and doing their own research, that would be a good path to suggest to them. Your father may need to think about setting boundaries around your AM's behaviour but he's probably not going to get there without some therapy or support group.
Please try not to feel guilty. Your father is an adult, and at some point has decided what he'll allow in his life. He's capable of finding his own guidance, but you can't force him. As a child of the relationship, try not to take responsibility for him or your brother, because that's not your role.

beccamay

Thank you. Thank you. I can't even say how much it helps to talk about it.

NWGRITS

You can't fix it. Plain and simple. Your mother drinks because the pain of not drinking still outweighs the pain of drinking. Your father has made a conscious choice to stay. How old is your brother? I know how hard it is to watch people make choices that destroy them. Fortunately, I learned that I'm in no way obligated to watch. So I stopped. I haven't talked to my AM or most of that side of the family for two years. I've never felt better. The freedom and the joy I have in my life is so much better than the chaos and pain of being enmeshed with my FOO. I'm not saying you should cut them off. I'm just saying what worked for me, and to show you that you dont have to ride the merry-go-round just because others are choosing to.

Hawkeye13

I spent most of my life trying to "help" my alcoholic mother.

She kept drinking. In fact, she drank more and more, and I ended becoming an alcoholic myself in part due the the stress and drama she created with her addiction.

It also nearly destroyed my marriage and mental health.

No matter how much you love your mother, you can't "help" her with this.
She has to choose to stop.

I also was living abroad and came home to be codependent and "look after her" when I was 18.

I did it again when I was 28 and had "escaped" to San Francisco to try and find peace.

I tanked a very promising academic career, and though I have rebuilt some of it, it
isn't what it would have been had I chosen to take care of myself instead of trying
to "love her well".

Please educate yourself about codependency and let her live her life
how she wants to and on her own terms, because she will anyway.

Enjoy your time abroad and think about traveling there during some of those breaks
because such chances as you have right now to be in another country and free to explore are rare and precious.

This is your life happening right now--seize it and live it and don't spend it on someone else who will not appreciate or value your gift because they are lost in their addiction.
Believe me, I know what I'm talking about here.

Best to you and all your family.

Katchie

I think sometimes we become confused about what constitutes as real care and love that we give the addict in our lives. I've come to learn that the most loving thing to do is to back off and allow the person I love to make his mistakes and hit his bottom and the most loving thing I can do for myself is not to watch and protect my children from it -- there is no need for everyone in the house to be equally unhealthy because of the stressful roller coaster associated with addiction. The other loving thing I did for him was that I shared it with our close friends and my family; I didn't keep it hidden because alcoholism thrives in secrecy. I did this because I love him and because I needed the support. You have to carry on with your own life in love for your mother, who regardless of what you do or don't do will carry on in her addiction until she decides its over, and for love and preservation of self.