1 year clean, overcoming relapse thoughts and pushing recovery to a new level
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
1 year clean, overcoming relapse thoughts and pushing recovery to a new level
I know this is kind of long, but I think maybe it will be worth the read and hope it will help someone.
So, I gotta admit that I've had some troublesome thoughts regarding one day drinking again that have been present virtually since I quit drinking. When I first quit, I was aiming for a year sober. I've always had this idea in my head about drinking again. Truthfully, I know that it's not a reality that I am likely to be a 'normal' drinker. But maybe I could stand to get a bit drunk on rare occasions. Maybe I could try a bottle of wine tonight and just see what it's like now.
After all, so much is different in my life now. I am happier, so maybe I wouldn't be trying to drown out my emotional pain. I've kicked all the bad influences in my life to the curb, so I wouldn't have anybody around encouraging drinking all the time. I've quit the weed, so I'm not constantly making decisions high and have nothing to help with the hangovers in the morning. Speaking of weed, maybe I could just do a bit of that here and there too.
I've talked to people at social gatherings that are just having one or two drink and say they just have one or two a couple times a year, but used to be big drinkers when they were younger. Maybe my drinking was just a normal thing young people do and as a mature adult now, I could drink normally. Maybe I know the consequences and could be more responsible about it.
I'd like that... feeling again. That sense of excitement, that relaxation, that feeling of being completely in the moment, that feeling of fun and feeling like "THIS is what life is all about." I want that feeling of celebration and bonding.
Do I not remember going to the hospital so hungover and sick I couldn't stop vomiting all day? Do I not remember passing out on the bathroom floor? Do I not remember the anxiety and depression that came with it? Or when I would drink and drive and thought that was OK so long as I didn't get caught? Or how I was always chasing that feeling, but it was ever more elusive and what I got instead was a misery I can't even find words to describe? Or how at the end, I was literally starting to feel crazy? Or how when I got sober and read about the symptoms of wet brain, I realized that I very likely was experiencing them? How simple things like calculating a tip at a restaurant were taxing to my brain when I used to be a math whiz. My temper would flare and I'd have no control. I made terrible decisions regarding my personal life. I had no real goals other than to make it through the day to get drunk. As things progressed, I no longer could make it through the day before drinking. Do I not remember how it felt when I hurt people I loved? Or the stress of not having enough money? Or the fact that I stayed in situations that were bad for me and drank to drown the feelings rather than leaving? Or the way I was treated by the people around me who were also drinking and using?
I remember it all, and yet there is STILL a part of me that thinks it would really be different. Some part of me thinks that I'll really have to 'go out' again to find out how it would be for me. I've heard how it was for others that went back out. But I've never been there myself. This is the first time I've quit drinking and smoking weed since I started as a young teenager.
And maybe one of the sickest parts of those thoughts is that I am so happy with my sobriety. I have just over 15 months off the booze and am 2 days shy of a year off of marijuana. That means a year clean and sober. There have been so many positive changes in my life in that time that I don't even know where to start with them. Emotionally I am way more stable- I am happier, more content, my anxiety has virtually disappeared, I no longer feel depressed, my moods are more stable- I feel good. Mentally I am better- I can figure out tips at restaurants again, I can remember stuff, my my brain no longer reminds me of Swiss cheese- you know, that feeling where you are grasping for a thought or memory and all that's there is a hole. Physically I am healthier. I have money in my bank account and am financially responsible. My house is cleaner and in better repair. I have a new car. I'm doing better work. I've made a ton of other changes like eating healthy and getting more exercise. I've gotten rid of the other drinkers and druggies in my life and if my social life may be a little empty, I am dating a really great guy and am happy doing stuff on my own.
And despite it all, there have been a lot of times when I've felt sure that I would drink again out of some need to see if it would be the same or if I could handle it. I've heard and believe that relapse starts way before we pick up the bottle or our DOC. It starts with our thoughts and with slacking on our recovery. I feel almost like I have a 'RELAPSE' stamp on my future. I don't normally mention these thoughts here as I want to be a model of recovery and I don't want to give the impression that I am miserable sober. It's quite the opposite: I am happier clean and sober than I ever was when I was drinking and getting high. But not mentioning these relapse-type thoughts, recognizing them and dealing with is pretty much the opposite of a good model of recovery. I think these thoughts are pretty common to all of us, it's just a matter of how we approach them and where we go with them.
This morning, I had a new thought about it all. I thought, maybe this is a sign that I need to examine my recovery. Maybe I need to add something to it. I think I need to look at that feeling I am searching for and really examine what I am looking for when I imagine drinking again. Then I need to take it to the next level and ask what healthy options I have for finding fulfillment of those desires. There are other things in life that I can find enjoyment from that will be much more solid than alcohol. I think this is a sign that I need to push my recovery to a new level. I am content with where I'm at, which is really a miracle considering where I was. But I want something a little more. I want to have more fun. I want more excitement. I want to do more. I want to accomplish more. I want to get outside my comfort zone.
I have some ideas of things I'd like to do: I play drums and am getting pretty good- I'd like to take it to the next level and be in a band so I could have some camaraderie and people to rock out with. I see myself on stage with the healthy adrenaline of performing and giving others a good time. I want to travel more and see more stuff. I want to make pottery again some day. I'm dreaming about going back to college for another degree or maybe starting my own business of some sort. I'd like to learn some new skills.
I need to really sit down and figure out what's next in my life. I'm young, I have a lot of potential and I know that I want to move to a new place- the question is just where. I know life has good things in store for me and I don't want to give up everything that my sobriety has given me.
Some of these things are going to take some long-term planning and some serious thought about what I really want to do. I know I need to incorporate some short-term plans for doing fun stuff in my life too. I've spent a lot of time the last several months doing stuff around the house, which has been great and rewarding in a lot of ways, but I think I need to start taking one weekend a month to just do fun stuff. I think this weekend I'll book a hotel room in the nearest city, get out of town and do a bit of clothes shopping. Something that will be both fun and productive as I've changed clothing sizes and literally have nothing to wear. Plus, this it will be a great way to celebrate and treat myself for one year clean and sober.
So, I gotta admit that I've had some troublesome thoughts regarding one day drinking again that have been present virtually since I quit drinking. When I first quit, I was aiming for a year sober. I've always had this idea in my head about drinking again. Truthfully, I know that it's not a reality that I am likely to be a 'normal' drinker. But maybe I could stand to get a bit drunk on rare occasions. Maybe I could try a bottle of wine tonight and just see what it's like now.
After all, so much is different in my life now. I am happier, so maybe I wouldn't be trying to drown out my emotional pain. I've kicked all the bad influences in my life to the curb, so I wouldn't have anybody around encouraging drinking all the time. I've quit the weed, so I'm not constantly making decisions high and have nothing to help with the hangovers in the morning. Speaking of weed, maybe I could just do a bit of that here and there too.
I've talked to people at social gatherings that are just having one or two drink and say they just have one or two a couple times a year, but used to be big drinkers when they were younger. Maybe my drinking was just a normal thing young people do and as a mature adult now, I could drink normally. Maybe I know the consequences and could be more responsible about it.
I'd like that... feeling again. That sense of excitement, that relaxation, that feeling of being completely in the moment, that feeling of fun and feeling like "THIS is what life is all about." I want that feeling of celebration and bonding.
Do I not remember going to the hospital so hungover and sick I couldn't stop vomiting all day? Do I not remember passing out on the bathroom floor? Do I not remember the anxiety and depression that came with it? Or when I would drink and drive and thought that was OK so long as I didn't get caught? Or how I was always chasing that feeling, but it was ever more elusive and what I got instead was a misery I can't even find words to describe? Or how at the end, I was literally starting to feel crazy? Or how when I got sober and read about the symptoms of wet brain, I realized that I very likely was experiencing them? How simple things like calculating a tip at a restaurant were taxing to my brain when I used to be a math whiz. My temper would flare and I'd have no control. I made terrible decisions regarding my personal life. I had no real goals other than to make it through the day to get drunk. As things progressed, I no longer could make it through the day before drinking. Do I not remember how it felt when I hurt people I loved? Or the stress of not having enough money? Or the fact that I stayed in situations that were bad for me and drank to drown the feelings rather than leaving? Or the way I was treated by the people around me who were also drinking and using?
I remember it all, and yet there is STILL a part of me that thinks it would really be different. Some part of me thinks that I'll really have to 'go out' again to find out how it would be for me. I've heard how it was for others that went back out. But I've never been there myself. This is the first time I've quit drinking and smoking weed since I started as a young teenager.
And maybe one of the sickest parts of those thoughts is that I am so happy with my sobriety. I have just over 15 months off the booze and am 2 days shy of a year off of marijuana. That means a year clean and sober. There have been so many positive changes in my life in that time that I don't even know where to start with them. Emotionally I am way more stable- I am happier, more content, my anxiety has virtually disappeared, I no longer feel depressed, my moods are more stable- I feel good. Mentally I am better- I can figure out tips at restaurants again, I can remember stuff, my my brain no longer reminds me of Swiss cheese- you know, that feeling where you are grasping for a thought or memory and all that's there is a hole. Physically I am healthier. I have money in my bank account and am financially responsible. My house is cleaner and in better repair. I have a new car. I'm doing better work. I've made a ton of other changes like eating healthy and getting more exercise. I've gotten rid of the other drinkers and druggies in my life and if my social life may be a little empty, I am dating a really great guy and am happy doing stuff on my own.
And despite it all, there have been a lot of times when I've felt sure that I would drink again out of some need to see if it would be the same or if I could handle it. I've heard and believe that relapse starts way before we pick up the bottle or our DOC. It starts with our thoughts and with slacking on our recovery. I feel almost like I have a 'RELAPSE' stamp on my future. I don't normally mention these thoughts here as I want to be a model of recovery and I don't want to give the impression that I am miserable sober. It's quite the opposite: I am happier clean and sober than I ever was when I was drinking and getting high. But not mentioning these relapse-type thoughts, recognizing them and dealing with is pretty much the opposite of a good model of recovery. I think these thoughts are pretty common to all of us, it's just a matter of how we approach them and where we go with them.
This morning, I had a new thought about it all. I thought, maybe this is a sign that I need to examine my recovery. Maybe I need to add something to it. I think I need to look at that feeling I am searching for and really examine what I am looking for when I imagine drinking again. Then I need to take it to the next level and ask what healthy options I have for finding fulfillment of those desires. There are other things in life that I can find enjoyment from that will be much more solid than alcohol. I think this is a sign that I need to push my recovery to a new level. I am content with where I'm at, which is really a miracle considering where I was. But I want something a little more. I want to have more fun. I want more excitement. I want to do more. I want to accomplish more. I want to get outside my comfort zone.
I have some ideas of things I'd like to do: I play drums and am getting pretty good- I'd like to take it to the next level and be in a band so I could have some camaraderie and people to rock out with. I see myself on stage with the healthy adrenaline of performing and giving others a good time. I want to travel more and see more stuff. I want to make pottery again some day. I'm dreaming about going back to college for another degree or maybe starting my own business of some sort. I'd like to learn some new skills.
I need to really sit down and figure out what's next in my life. I'm young, I have a lot of potential and I know that I want to move to a new place- the question is just where. I know life has good things in store for me and I don't want to give up everything that my sobriety has given me.
Some of these things are going to take some long-term planning and some serious thought about what I really want to do. I know I need to incorporate some short-term plans for doing fun stuff in my life too. I've spent a lot of time the last several months doing stuff around the house, which has been great and rewarding in a lot of ways, but I think I need to start taking one weekend a month to just do fun stuff. I think this weekend I'll book a hotel room in the nearest city, get out of town and do a bit of clothes shopping. Something that will be both fun and productive as I've changed clothing sizes and literally have nothing to wear. Plus, this it will be a great way to celebrate and treat myself for one year clean and sober.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Congratulations DG! I could not love this post enough. You sound so in tune with your thoughts and feelings. The last part about moving to the next level blew me away because as I was reading I was saying :find something else healthier that makes you feel great: and there you said it. Amazing outcome for you. Very impressed and happy for you and your sobriety. I wish you the very best and hope you have fun shopping for new clothes this weekend!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 41
Great post! I just read a fabulous book entitled "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. It has inspired me to write down my goals and dreams now and try to pursue each and every one of them. One year sober -- CONGRATULATIONS!!! That's a huge achievement.
>AH
>AH
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Great post. Congrats on a year. Wonderful milestone.
Having resently relapsed myself--drugs, not alcohol--don't get lax on your recovery. Addiction is insidious and, in my case, used my apparent success and length of sobriety against me, making me comfortable about where I was in regards to my recovery.
Find lasting fulfillment in life, you won't have to seek out the momentary fulfillment of a substance.
Originally Posted by DG0409 
This morning, I had a new thought about it all. I thought, maybe this is a sign that I need to examine my recovery. Maybe I need to add something to it. I think I need to look at that feeling I am searching for and really examine what I am looking for when I imagine drinking again. Then I need to take it to the next level and ask what healthy options I have for finding fulfillment of those desires.
Find lasting fulfillment in life, you won't have to seek out the momentary fulfillment of a substance.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
DG, that is wonderful. At least you are fully aware thanks to what you've learned in your long and fruitful time of sobriety that your nagging AV is a liar. It would not be remotely good to drink or smoke again. It's really no fun to make yourself a little bit dead.
When I was young, I drank a lot and smoked a lot of dope. I, like your "friends," gave it up when I was 22, and only resumed drinking a glass of wine here and there when I was 40. It started small, but eventually ballooned till it's all I did every day.
I quit in earnest in January, 2013. I've relapsed twice since then. Each time I quickly jumped back up to my "full quota" of deadness. I tried two glasses at first. It was a teaser. Immediately I stopped pussyfooting around with two drinks and was raging again, in a full stupor.
Fortunately, both times I was frustrated with the hollowness and snapped back quickly.
I'm much shallower a person than you are, DG. With emotions, easy come, easy go with me. But things go more deeply with you. I fear that, just as your steps toward emotional emancipation took a very long time, so your sense of failure and self-entrapment would last a very long time if you relapsed--and it would be a relapse--it wouldn't stay at "just one or two."
That being said, I know you're not actually planning to go through with that nagging fantasy. We've all had it, and we all have to squelch it.
I think you've got a terrific plan to go off in a new direction. There is plenty to explore. You have all the opportunity in the world; there is nothing holding you back.
I admire you so much!
When I was young, I drank a lot and smoked a lot of dope. I, like your "friends," gave it up when I was 22, and only resumed drinking a glass of wine here and there when I was 40. It started small, but eventually ballooned till it's all I did every day.
I quit in earnest in January, 2013. I've relapsed twice since then. Each time I quickly jumped back up to my "full quota" of deadness. I tried two glasses at first. It was a teaser. Immediately I stopped pussyfooting around with two drinks and was raging again, in a full stupor.
Fortunately, both times I was frustrated with the hollowness and snapped back quickly.
I'm much shallower a person than you are, DG. With emotions, easy come, easy go with me. But things go more deeply with you. I fear that, just as your steps toward emotional emancipation took a very long time, so your sense of failure and self-entrapment would last a very long time if you relapsed--and it would be a relapse--it wouldn't stay at "just one or two."
That being said, I know you're not actually planning to go through with that nagging fantasy. We've all had it, and we all have to squelch it.
I think you've got a terrific plan to go off in a new direction. There is plenty to explore. You have all the opportunity in the world; there is nothing holding you back.
I admire you so much!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Yes, our AV can be cunning, baffling, powerful and patient. We can give in, or reach down and take recovery to new levels...THAT IS YOU - AND HAS BEEN THROUGHOUT THIS JOURNEY!!
Such an honest and heartfelt post my wonderful sober friend. I know that you will find what you are looking for on this sober journey.
Reading your post reminds me of a favorite quote of mine:
“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Such an honest and heartfelt post my wonderful sober friend. I know that you will find what you are looking for on this sober journey.
Reading your post reminds me of a favorite quote of mine:
“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
DG - Congratulations on your year clean and sober. Your honesty and insight have created such a strong foundation for your recovery. It doesn't surprise me at all that it's what is continuing to propel you forward to the "next level"! Look back for a reminder of where you came from, but don't keep your eye on it for too long. With your honesty, focus, intelligence, and drive, I am certain there is no limit to what you will achieve in sobriety. You rock, DG!!
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Look at that , an entire trip around the sun! congrats on a year! I remember your name from when I first starting coming here, we done good this year eh ? 
I say yeah , get out of town , shop some , you deserve it, wish you well
Lets meet at this same spot on our next orbit!
I say yeah , get out of town , shop some , you deserve it, wish you well
Lets meet at this same spot on our next orbit!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
FANTASTIC post DG...thank you. I think you are definitely onto something that year two should be about making your life bigger, more colourful...adding new challenges and stimulus...not going back to some old stupid illusionary shortcut.
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in telling your truth rather than cheating yourself and us..by wanting to remain in the "model of recovery" concept.
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in telling your truth rather than cheating yourself and us..by wanting to remain in the "model of recovery" concept.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Thank you all. The support here has been amazing. I'm really not sure where I would be if it hadn't been for SR during my recovery journey. This place has really made the difference in keeping me on track, giving me a place to share, learn and grow. I find so much wisdom in the posts I read here.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
Thanks for the thread DG --I've been reading your recovery story for a long time now, and I have a lot of admiration for you. As for thoughts of drinking, as you know, I went out after a year, and I didn't have (or think I had) as much progress to lose as you have. Trust me, there's nothing worthwhile for you in alcohol, only pain.
As for anything else, go forth and be a fabulous sober woman! Leave their tongues hanging out, and begging for more! This says it perfectly:
As for anything else, go forth and be a fabulous sober woman! Leave their tongues hanging out, and begging for more! This says it perfectly:
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Find lasting fulfillment in life, you won't have to seek out the momentary fulfillment of a substance.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,496
Originally Posted by DG0409
This morning, I had a new thought about it all. I thought, maybe this is a sign that I need to examine my recovery. Maybe I need to add something to it. I think I need to look at that feeling I am searching for and really examine what I am looking for when I imagine drinking again. Then I need to take it to the next level and ask what healthy options I have for finding fulfillment of those desires. There are other things in life that I can find enjoyment from that will be much more solid than alcohol. I think this is a sign that I need to push my recovery to a new level. I am content with where I'm at, which is really a miracle considering where I was. But I want something a little more. I want to have more fun. I want more excitement. I want to do more. I want to accomplish more. I want to get outside my comfort zone.
I have some ideas of things I'd like to do: I play drums and am getting pretty good- I'd like to take it to the next level and be in a band so I could have some camaraderie and people to rock out with. I see myself on stage with the healthy adrenaline of performing and giving others a good time. I want to travel more and see more stuff. I want to make pottery again some day. I'm dreaming about going back to college for another degree or maybe starting my own business of some sort. I'd like to learn some new skills.
I need to really sit down and figure out what's next in my life. I'm young, I have a lot of potential and I know that I want to move to a new place- the question is just where. I know life has good things in store for me and I don't want to give up everything that my sobriety has given me.
Some of these things are going to take some long-term planning and some serious thought about what I really want to do. I know I need to incorporate some short-term plans for doing fun stuff in my life too. I've spent a lot of time the last several months doing stuff around the house, which has been great and rewarding in a lot of ways, but I think I need to start taking one weekend a month to just do fun stuff. I think this weekend I'll book a hotel room in the nearest city, get out of town and do a bit of clothes shopping. Something that will be both fun and productive as I've changed clothing sizes and literally have nothing to wear. Plus, this it will be a great way to celebrate and treat myself for one year clean and sober.
I have some ideas of things I'd like to do: I play drums and am getting pretty good- I'd like to take it to the next level and be in a band so I could have some camaraderie and people to rock out with. I see myself on stage with the healthy adrenaline of performing and giving others a good time. I want to travel more and see more stuff. I want to make pottery again some day. I'm dreaming about going back to college for another degree or maybe starting my own business of some sort. I'd like to learn some new skills.
I need to really sit down and figure out what's next in my life. I'm young, I have a lot of potential and I know that I want to move to a new place- the question is just where. I know life has good things in store for me and I don't want to give up everything that my sobriety has given me.
Some of these things are going to take some long-term planning and some serious thought about what I really want to do. I know I need to incorporate some short-term plans for doing fun stuff in my life too. I've spent a lot of time the last several months doing stuff around the house, which has been great and rewarding in a lot of ways, but I think I need to start taking one weekend a month to just do fun stuff. I think this weekend I'll book a hotel room in the nearest city, get out of town and do a bit of clothes shopping. Something that will be both fun and productive as I've changed clothing sizes and literally have nothing to wear. Plus, this it will be a great way to celebrate and treat myself for one year clean and sober.
dearest DG! ♥♥
I wanted to highlight this part of your post, because I love how you thought that through, and I believe you have all of the right answers.
Enhancing our recovery is really important for me as well.
The AV is indeed cunning and powerful, and adding to the joy and fun in your life, and honouring yourself is a really positive and healthy way to move forward.
You are an inspiration girl! Keep on rocking.
Love V xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
DG , I'm so proud of you .
You have worked so hard to keep your sobriety on not just alcohol but caffeine and pot .
I have loved following your journal and have no doubt you will continue to enjoy your new sober life .
You so deserve this sweetheart . Xxx great post xxx
You have worked so hard to keep your sobriety on not just alcohol but caffeine and pot .
I have loved following your journal and have no doubt you will continue to enjoy your new sober life .
You so deserve this sweetheart . Xxx great post xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 500
Love your post! And a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS on your year of sobriety DG!!!!!! Thank you for posting this. I have all of the same concerns and this post really hit home. I was wondering about you lately. So interested to see where you go from here! 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 158
DG, glad to see you back at the forum, I was thinking about some of your posts recently. That's great you've continued your success with multi-faceted sobriety.
I hear you about re-examining what sobriety brings to the table long-term. I'm nearing a year and have had some internal monologues about what sobriety will hold going forward. This is what I've concluded and maybe it will help:
Sobriety is a lifestyle change. The behavior I had while drinking--and perhaps weed in your case--doesn't define who I am. When I think back to why I drank in the first place, I realize that I've accomplished everything I wanted by drinking: social skills, a relationship, more happiness. If I have these ends, what am I drinking for? Especially if further drinking (particularly during the last couple of years for me) just causes me to obsess about the next drink 24/7 and not care about important aspects of my life.
Cherish the new you and go forward with that identity. That will be immensely more rewarding and assuring than relying on a foreign substance to sustain your existence.
I hear you about re-examining what sobriety brings to the table long-term. I'm nearing a year and have had some internal monologues about what sobriety will hold going forward. This is what I've concluded and maybe it will help:
Sobriety is a lifestyle change. The behavior I had while drinking--and perhaps weed in your case--doesn't define who I am. When I think back to why I drank in the first place, I realize that I've accomplished everything I wanted by drinking: social skills, a relationship, more happiness. If I have these ends, what am I drinking for? Especially if further drinking (particularly during the last couple of years for me) just causes me to obsess about the next drink 24/7 and not care about important aspects of my life.
Cherish the new you and go forward with that identity. That will be immensely more rewarding and assuring than relying on a foreign substance to sustain your existence.
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