Blossom717

So I went to a meeting last night. Despite having to go an hour the opposite way to pick up dd, getting stuck in 2 traffic jams and not eating dinner, I made it to a meeting.

It was small, the other one I have been to had about 20 people, this one had 5. Which was more intimidating because I couldn't really "hide". But, I guess that is what god wanted, he wanted me out in the open.

When I spoke, I said basically what I've said here. Which is hard for me to physically say. The "I don't want to go back, I'm being pressured" and "I don't really care about his recovery". I feel bad for that last part. But right now I care about mine.

They suggested I go with ABF to an AA meeting, to maybe regain some compassion for the alcoholic. He's been to one Monday and Tuesday, and I even saw a book in his car. He doesn't like to read, so take that for what its worth. I told him that I'd like to go to an AA meeting with him, he agreed.

Can Alcoholics go to an Al-Anon meeting? Is that okay?

Anyway. I realized on my 2 hour commute to work from mom's house this morning that one of my fears is that I know I will be okay on my own, but I can't say the same for if I stay with him, even if he gets sober. I don't know if I can love him again. I don't know if I will heal enough for that. I have decided that I will go back Friday, I will not set conditions. I will set boundaries. I will tell him what I just said here, my fears and that I can't promise that it will work whether he stays sober or not. I refuse to live with a dry alcoholic, and I don't know yet if he will be a dry alcoholic or a recovering.

So that's my decision for right now. I will not enable him, baby him, and I don't feel sorry for him. I can't help that. I do not see myself as a victim either. I think if I keep working the program and if I trust in my HP that things will happen the way the are supposed to. I'm going to try, but I'm not going to kill myself to make things work with someone. I'm going to make myself happy, and he has to do the same for him.

Things may change tomorrow, next week, or even in the hour. But this is my decision right now.

CodeJob

I am so proud that you made it to a meeting and spoke too! Kudos Blossom!

There are 'open' ALcoholics Anonymous meetings where you can attend with ABF. Personally I find reading the A sections here on SR enough for me - oh and I live with RAH. I have read the Big Book too and have re-read some sections.

Early recovery is painful. My experience has been it is hard to pull apart what is someone struggling to learn to live without numbing out versus someone not really working recovery in the first 12 mo. For every good step my H made, he would often back pedal or get very closed off for a time. The front row seat at home is not something I relished. There is a ton of relapsing whether or not someone is working a strong AA program from what I observe from my Al Anon meetings and here. Mine is one day from 17 mo sober. He is not on a full fledged AA program. Some would judge his recovery as not true due to the lack of total AA buy in, but in reality many a drinker just figures it out on their own so who am I to judge his recovery?

With mental illness so prevalent in the addictive community, I less and less think 'dry drunk' is a worthwhile term. I'm starting to think once they are dry for a time - then you start to see what their base is. Mine got lucky as his anxiety dissipated.

With all this mayhem, it is a bit hard for Codie me to self focus on my OWN recovery...

As for the book, he may have received it for free as a welcome.

Hugs to you Blossom dear! You are learning - and quickly!

Blossom717

Thank you for your reply Codejob!

ABF is trying I think, but I still think most of it is because that's what I want to hear, so I'm apprehensive. But I need to work on my own recovery and not focus on his. They gave me a book last night as a welcome, and you are right they very well could have given him one too. He told me he bought it but again, I'm taking it as face value, and I don't necessarily trust his words. But I'm not going to dwell on anything he says.

Good for your RAH, and good for you for working on your recovery! I'm scared of the relapses, I can't deal with that disappointment again. some people can. That is my boundary, if he relapses I won't be staying. I just can't.

Bullfrog

I don't know... I think education about real addiction is important, but focusing on your recovery is key. Personally, before I would go to an AA meeting with him, I would go to a few more months of Al Anon by myself. And no, I would not bring my qualifier with me to Al Anon. Your recovery, especially early, is for you-- to get you healthy and sane.

hopeful4

Hi Blossom. I am so glad to hear you went and had an opportunity to really open up, that is a big start, and a very good one.

I send you huge hugs. Recovery is hard on both ends. It's absolutely fine to take it hour by hour, sometimes I find myself still taking it second by second!

Tight Hugs my friend!

Blossom717

Bullfrog - you have a good point about not brining him to al-anon with me. I would like to go with him to an AA meeting sooner rather than later, only because I want to get insight. I found an Open one for tomorrow, I am going to see if he will go to that one with me.

But working my own recovery is my main goal. I'm focusing on that. and its hard. Its not overnight, because being a codie is ingrained into me so much. And I have our daughter on my mind constantly. So I'm starting a journal, writing my thoughts, trying to be nice to myself too. Which is the hardest part. How to be nice to yourself?

dandylion

Blossom.....I feel like I missed something.....did you hear about the qualification for the house? Is buying the house still in the works?

dandylion

CodeJob

Ha ha! I'm in counseling over how negative I am towards myself! Working the steps has helped too - though I am just starting 5.

I've also set relapse as my over and out. I put in all my time up front. I just cannot handle rebuilding AGAIN...

Colleen

Blossom717

Dandylion - I need to pay down my credit card before I can get qualified, which I plan on doing Friday. But I'm also going to see how this is going ot go with ABF while he is in early recovery.

Once I pay off my credit card, the lender has to wait about 2 weeks before she hears back from the credit bureau about my score.

For now, I'm still going with the plan with the house, but I'm not forcing it, I'm letting my HP lead me. Something is telling me not to let go of the idea of it yet. But I'm also going to see what recovery means for him and I. I think that I have time to decide either way

dandylion

Blossom.....it is good to get your credit score up, in any case. Going to alanon is also a good thing for you, also,.....in any case.....LOL!

Speaking of being proactive....have you discussed having loaded guns in the house with a little child? I have the image of your cute, cute little girl standing by the old-fashioned tub!!!!
( I am "The First Queen of Safety"). Please forgive me (or ignore me) if I seem to be harping.

dandylion

Thumper

Space gave me more compassion for my (now xah) than anything else. It never hurts to go to an AA meeting. My husband didn't get past this little space you are in until well after our divorce so I never went with him. Actually he never asked me to go. I wouldn't go while I felt strangled and when he was doing what your ex is doing. I felt incredibly strangled and manipulated. It just felt bad all over - and yes I agreed to him moving back home during that time. I couldn't get straight what felt bad for me, or him, or what was my inner voice, his voice, and what was the army of voices in my head telling me what I should do or what he needs. I had built walls around myself so that I felt so distant from him but there was soooo much emotional enmeshment. I cried for him and my heart was breaking for him - but not for myself. I only knew that I could not go on like I was. It made it incredibly difficult to think clearly. You can read some of my first posts/threads. The advice given me might also speak to you.

You are a smart, intelligent, resourceful, caring woman. I have no doubt that you will be fine no matter which path you choose to walk. Walk towards *your* happiness and peace and happiness and peace you will find.

Blossom717

Thumper- I started going back and reading your old posts. I completely feel the same way right now. the heart breaking for him, but not for myself. I haven't gotten to the advice people had given you yet though, everytime I do something comes up at work (I'm multitasking )
I will asap though!

heartbrokenK

I live with an active alcoholic. It's not an easy thing to do. my husband has been in AA before and I have gone with him. He has also gone to alanon with me. In my situation my husband did not understand the alanon aspect because he is not on that side of the fence/ nor was he active in recovery more of just going through the motions of " wanting to want to be sober" . I have been w/my husband 11 yrs. I think what is paramount is your recovery. I've learned/still learning that in my journey I may never understand my husband in regards to his drinking. Sure it does help me to have insight but I can't analyze every step of his recovery or lack there of. No matter what you decide just remember you and your daughters safety ALWAYS comes first!

schnappi99

I'd be a bit hesitant to mix aa with alanon at first. I was so soaked in codependency that I was acting out without knowing it. I needed some time and focused step 1-3 work before I could start living the program. My sponsor recently suggested I start attending AA mtgs, Iv'e been to one so far- it was pretty cool, a similar format but different.

OTOH theres a woman in the home group who occasionally goes to AA mtgs w/ her husband but she's been in alanon for a while now and makes a lot of mtgs so I don't think theres much risk of confusion on her part.

I'd say get your recovery going strong first, whatever form it takes.

LifeRecovery

I did Al-Anon about 10 months, and then regularly started going to an open AA meetings.

I introduced myself as a member of Al-Anon at those meetings. Most of the time I brought knitting or crocheting to keep my mouth quiet and my fingers busy. I shared occasionally, but mostly I listened and learned.

I shared much more regularly in Al-Anon.

For me there was a lot more coffee in AA, and at times a lot more willingness to express emotion. As not wanting to have emotion is part of my dis-ease this was really important for me. I learned a lot of important things about how I handle emotion from being at both types of meetings (and how I got myself into a relationship with someone who was quite emotional and used alcohol to dull those emotions). There is also a lot of humility and humor at AA meetings. Sometimes the group of Al-Anon meetings I attend we take ourselves so seriously that it was nice to see laughter.

I did not got to AA meetings with a loved one. I went to my own. Sometimes I went because I needed a meeting, and in the isolated area I live in there is not an Al-Anon meeting every day.

Rosalba

From what I can gather, alcoholics in recovery are advised not to attend Alanon meetings for the first year or so of recovery (even if they qualify) because they're far more likely to identify with the alcoholic than the friend/family member sharing at the meeting. This is likely to bring up all sorts of painful issues which are not helpful; of course, with some recovery behind them the perspective is different and it may be very useful.

Within my Alanon group... a couple of years ago a married couple attended, along with his mother. The alcoholic in question was her husband; there was a lot of conflict during the session and it was suggested that the mother and son attended different meetings, so they could work separately on their recovery. I saw her, looking radiant, earlier on this evening!

Carlotta

I am an alcoholic and started attending Al Anon in my first year of sobriety. I tend to identify much more with friends and family members than with other alcoholics and I go to steps meetings in AA rather than speaker meetings.
I don't think there is anything wrong with him going to Al Anon if he qualifies, on the contrary: I always say that AA saved my life but Al Anon saved my sanity. One thing I would suggest that you two keep your meetings separate: his is his and yours is yours.
As far as AA goes, maybe you could go with him once to an open aa meeting (which he normally does not attend) so you get a feel of what that side of the street is about.
Ultimately, it's up to you.