First relationship after 1 year of no contact. YIKES
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First relationship after 1 year of no contact. YIKES
So, I have been out of my 6 year relationship with my EXABF for two years, one year of which was no contact. Oh yes, the no contact thing works really well.
I have been dating this man for a short period of time, seven weeks to be exact. Everything is going pretty well, I am very smitten by him and he me. I am keeping the heavy duty romance (sex) at bay, because I know where my mind goes when that is crossed.
Today we had our first bump, but it's a big one for me. His last relationship was an alcoholic...she still is an active alcoholic. He tried to do the rescue thing with her, lived with her for a couple years from what understand and of course it ended badly. I don't know the details, but I think she asked him to leave. He went to Al-anon and counseling and two years later here we are. He has little contact with her, most is one sided, him helping her on rare occasion...he says he feels compassion for her as she has burned most of her bridges. But from what he told me, he doesn't hang out with her, just occasional email contact. I think he has known her on and off for 30 years.
Anyway, today he told me, via texting, that he is doing her a favor this saturday. He is driving her a long distance to see her mother. I guess she just showed up at his door asking for this favor and he said, "of course". My reaction is strong. I am disappointed in this man for being an active alcoholics go to person. Apparently he is the only one that can do this. (Bah) I am even grossed out that he would continue to engage with her especially knowing how strongly I feel about no contact with my EXABF. I guess by this time I would expect that he would check in with how this might affect me emotionally, but he said it never crossed his mind I would be bothered. (!!!!!) At this time in my life I can't stand the smell of alcohol much less ACTIVE alcoholics. He feels this has nothing to do with me, that he would NEVER want to hurt me, but he is doing the favor anyway because it's a matter of honor. That really hurt. I just see this woman as another drunk user with no consideration and now I see this man as attached to her in a creepy way.
He says I am "overreacting". I say, "F**k yes" I am reacting, but not overreacting. I have had more than enough alcoholics in my life, and the idea of my possibly new boyfriend doing her favors makes me sick.
Advice please
Carrie
I have been dating this man for a short period of time, seven weeks to be exact. Everything is going pretty well, I am very smitten by him and he me. I am keeping the heavy duty romance (sex) at bay, because I know where my mind goes when that is crossed.
Today we had our first bump, but it's a big one for me. His last relationship was an alcoholic...she still is an active alcoholic. He tried to do the rescue thing with her, lived with her for a couple years from what understand and of course it ended badly. I don't know the details, but I think she asked him to leave. He went to Al-anon and counseling and two years later here we are. He has little contact with her, most is one sided, him helping her on rare occasion...he says he feels compassion for her as she has burned most of her bridges. But from what he told me, he doesn't hang out with her, just occasional email contact. I think he has known her on and off for 30 years.
Anyway, today he told me, via texting, that he is doing her a favor this saturday. He is driving her a long distance to see her mother. I guess she just showed up at his door asking for this favor and he said, "of course". My reaction is strong. I am disappointed in this man for being an active alcoholics go to person. Apparently he is the only one that can do this. (Bah) I am even grossed out that he would continue to engage with her especially knowing how strongly I feel about no contact with my EXABF. I guess by this time I would expect that he would check in with how this might affect me emotionally, but he said it never crossed his mind I would be bothered. (!!!!!) At this time in my life I can't stand the smell of alcohol much less ACTIVE alcoholics. He feels this has nothing to do with me, that he would NEVER want to hurt me, but he is doing the favor anyway because it's a matter of honor. That really hurt. I just see this woman as another drunk user with no consideration and now I see this man as attached to her in a creepy way.
He says I am "overreacting". I say, "F**k yes" I am reacting, but not overreacting. I have had more than enough alcoholics in my life, and the idea of my possibly new boyfriend doing her favors makes me sick.
Advice please
Carrie
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I think that maybe your feelings about alcohol are magnified and its more about that then your anger with him. It is probably making you relive all that time and negative experiences you had with exabf. I know what you mean because sometimes I have steong adverse reactions to even being asked to meet for a drink or go somewhere alcohol will be prevalent. I learned when I am mad I ask myself the hard questions...Step back, take a breath and calmly ask yourself why you are upset. I have to keep reminding myself every person that has an alcohol problem isnt my separated AH.
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dearamthird...yes...as I calm a bit I realize I have lost so much perspective on anything addict or alcohol related. I think I got so angry because I just don't have solid footing on alcoholics or anyone in their orbit. I know how compelling my pull to my exabf is and I am projecting onto this man that he has the same pull. But I don't know...To CodeJob..I did not demand he end his relationship...I was taken by surprise because I had the impression she was a rare email and being informed by text that he was going on a road trip took me WAY off guard. I have not known this man long enough to know if this is him just being a caring helpful guy or a player or a recovering codie. Not enough information. And a lot fear on my part.
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Originally Posted by nbay2013 
... I have been out of my 6 year relationship with my EXABF for two years, one year of which was no contact. ...I have been dating this man ....
Originally Posted by nbay2013
... that he is doing her a favor this saturday. He is driving her a long distance to see her mother. ....
Originally Posted by nbay2013
... I have had more than enough alcoholics in my life....
Originally Posted by nbay2013
... but he said it never crossed his mind I would be bothered. ....
* naturally, my head went spinning wondering what they were telling each other about _me_ !!!
*That "never crossed his mind" is what I am pinging on. As a guy, I admit that I am not particularly sensitive, but even I can see that is a no brainer. There is a reason an "ex" is called an "ex", otherwise she's a "current".
Mike
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Calm down and take a deep breath, then another very deep breath.
I think the "wait and more will be revealed" idea applies here, too.
It sounds like you are greatly over-reacting because of where you come from with alcoholics in your history.
There are some flags waving about what he is doing, but I don't think you have information yet to know if the flags are red or not.
Nobody, in the early stages of a relationship, likes to be told by anybody else where their boundaries have to be.
On the other hand, you do not have to be with someone you do not believe can care for you and put you first in the ways that matter most to you.
I think the question is what kind of process can you two work out to handle differences and conflict?
ShootingStar1
I think the "wait and more will be revealed" idea applies here, too.
It sounds like you are greatly over-reacting because of where you come from with alcoholics in your history.
There are some flags waving about what he is doing, but I don't think you have information yet to know if the flags are red or not.
Nobody, in the early stages of a relationship, likes to be told by anybody else where their boundaries have to be.
On the other hand, you do not have to be with someone you do not believe can care for you and put you first in the ways that matter most to you.
I think the question is what kind of process can you two work out to handle differences and conflict?
ShootingStar1
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Ahhhhhhh...breath....breath.....New relationships in the best of circumstances are a tricky road to navigate. Add on addiction and ex-relationships...well jeez, I can see why avoiding the whole thing seems better and better. But I am trying to breath.
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Nbay, I do not know your story. But do you have a tendency to over-react or use all or nothing thinking?
I see recently there was an issue that turned out to be just Listerine use - not masking alcoholism. And in your last post you sort of suggest no relationship is better than struggling in one 7 weeks old.
Just think about it. Maybe you are looking for reasons to make this not work because you don't think you are worth love? There is a lot of women sworn off relationships here, but I don't particularly feel we are put on this earth to jail our hearts.
If I tick you off, I apologize. I am working through my own issues with vulnerability, so maybe I am just reading into your story.
I see recently there was an issue that turned out to be just Listerine use - not masking alcoholism. And in your last post you sort of suggest no relationship is better than struggling in one 7 weeks old.
Just think about it. Maybe you are looking for reasons to make this not work because you don't think you are worth love? There is a lot of women sworn off relationships here, but I don't particularly feel we are put on this earth to jail our hearts.
If I tick you off, I apologize. I am working through my own issues with vulnerability, so maybe I am just reading into your story.
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Please first understand this . . . .
Most guys are stupid. Really. Just the way it is.
Some will deny it, but many of us just accept it.
So think of him like a dumb dog just running around in traffic.
If you do not put leash on him and take him off the road, he will just go and get ran-over . . . again.
Most guys are stupid. Really. Just the way it is.
Some will deny it, but many of us just accept it.
So think of him like a dumb dog just running around in traffic.
If you do not put leash on him and take him off the road, he will just go and get ran-over . . . again.
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CodeJob...Yes, I am pretty on edge right now. I have a daughter with a brain injury that happened last year and I am her primary caretaker. So, I have very little emotional reserves. That is why I came on this board BEFORE I reacted to this man. I don't hold back on the forum. I let you all see my extreme thinking...what is happening in my head...my insecurities, my over or under reactions. And then after the replies start coming, I calm down. Yesterday what I took from the responses, was breath, breath, breath...and, more will be revealed. I need to let this man do what he will do, let him know how I feel but with ZERO ultimatums and just wait to see how this bump plays out.
However
I still don't sit well with a new "boyfriend" doing a favor with an ex-girlfriend, especially not an active alcoholic. But that is me right now because I have little information about who and what they are to each other. No offense to all the amazing recovering alcoholics on this forum, but I am still in the stage of hating drinking, alcoholics, and all things addict. I should wear a t-shirt that states as much. LOL.
However
I still don't sit well with a new "boyfriend" doing a favor with an ex-girlfriend, especially not an active alcoholic. But that is me right now because I have little information about who and what they are to each other. No offense to all the amazing recovering alcoholics on this forum, but I am still in the stage of hating drinking, alcoholics, and all things addict. I should wear a t-shirt that states as much. LOL.
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I can completely relate.
And I don't think you're being unreasonable.
HOWEVER.
You're sort of saying "he can't be as far along in his codie recovery or he wouldn't be doing this." Right? Right. I'd agree. OTOH -- how far along are YOU in your codie recovery if you're trying to control his actions rather than observe them, determine who he is, and based on that, determine what level of involvement you want with him?
I'm asking these questions based on my own experience. Except in my case, it was sort of the other way around. My husband (the new sane one) came out of a dysfunctional relationship, and he can still get irritated at me for acting codependent (not with my ex; we have NC) but with other people. I keep reminding him that I'm working my recovery and it will go at the pace it will go. I don't mind him pointing out to me when I'm acting codependent, but I would not like it if he tried to control my actions (directly or indirectly, by putting emotional pressure on me to act differently).
I think with a guy who has known his ex for 30 years and still does her favors, you will probably have to count on her being a part of his life forever. The question isn't if that's sane or right, the question is whether you are willing to live with it.
And I don't think you're being unreasonable.
HOWEVER.
You're sort of saying "he can't be as far along in his codie recovery or he wouldn't be doing this." Right? Right. I'd agree. OTOH -- how far along are YOU in your codie recovery if you're trying to control his actions rather than observe them, determine who he is, and based on that, determine what level of involvement you want with him?
I'm asking these questions based on my own experience. Except in my case, it was sort of the other way around. My husband (the new sane one) came out of a dysfunctional relationship, and he can still get irritated at me for acting codependent (not with my ex; we have NC) but with other people. I keep reminding him that I'm working my recovery and it will go at the pace it will go. I don't mind him pointing out to me when I'm acting codependent, but I would not like it if he tried to control my actions (directly or indirectly, by putting emotional pressure on me to act differently).
I think with a guy who has known his ex for 30 years and still does her favors, you will probably have to count on her being a part of his life forever. The question isn't if that's sane or right, the question is whether you are willing to live with it.
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lillamy....No question about it.
This is a shining example of how I am NOT where I would like to be. In a perfect world, I would have stayed calm and told him how I feel and let it go and stepped back and observed. But my body has two speeds right now. 1) Tell him to sod off and completely take his codie inventory or 2) drop him. LOL and YIKES. Ok, so I was somewhere in between. But we talked calmly and with compassion last night, although I must say he was more on the calm and compassionate side than I was. Oh god, I get so afraid. I am still baffled by the excruciating lies my exabf told and the crazy-making mixed messages. But I am beginning to think this is less to do with my alcoholic past and more to do with plain old fashioned jealously. In my world, this would be bad manners, the texting me that he was doing his ex a favor, rather than telling me in person so I could see his eyes and feel his touch. Exes are always a sensitive subject.
The part that has to do with the alcoholic history is the heart pounding fight or flight and bad dreams.
This is a shining example of how I am NOT where I would like to be. In a perfect world, I would have stayed calm and told him how I feel and let it go and stepped back and observed. But my body has two speeds right now. 1) Tell him to sod off and completely take his codie inventory or 2) drop him. LOL and YIKES. Ok, so I was somewhere in between. But we talked calmly and with compassion last night, although I must say he was more on the calm and compassionate side than I was. Oh god, I get so afraid. I am still baffled by the excruciating lies my exabf told and the crazy-making mixed messages. But I am beginning to think this is less to do with my alcoholic past and more to do with plain old fashioned jealously. In my world, this would be bad manners, the texting me that he was doing his ex a favor, rather than telling me in person so I could see his eyes and feel his touch. Exes are always a sensitive subject.
The part that has to do with the alcoholic history is the heart pounding fight or flight and bad dreams.
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But my body has two speeds right now. 1) Tell him to sod off and completely take his codie inventory or 2) drop him. LOL and YIKES.
I can so relate to that. I think you're gonna be OK. You sound like you have pretty good clues as to what's going on!
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Very interesting thread for me, thank you. IMO I can definitely see a "fight-or-flight" type of overreaction on your part based on only being in the relationship such a short time & it not having developed to any sort of commitment level yet, not knowing enough about the nature of their 30-yr relationship to know if he's Code-ing out or being a friend, etc.
But the reasons WHY you feel that way (as you go on to explain in updates throughout the thread) resonate strongly for me in how I've felt in rebuilding trust with RAH. Especially in the first yr or so of recovery & immediately following his relapse. Except, I know a lot of the obvious external reasons for my overreactions, resentments, boundaries, etc. as they are specific to RAH's history.
Yet, this perspective reminds me that there is a LOT to be addressed for my own INTERNAL issues of trust. I always speculated that IF I had chosen/ever do choose to leave this relationship that I would probably have these same (yet, different) struggles in resetting my internal barometer. Lots of food for thought,....sorry, I know I am rambling!
But the reasons WHY you feel that way (as you go on to explain in updates throughout the thread) resonate strongly for me in how I've felt in rebuilding trust with RAH. Especially in the first yr or so of recovery & immediately following his relapse. Except, I know a lot of the obvious external reasons for my overreactions, resentments, boundaries, etc. as they are specific to RAH's history.
Yet, this perspective reminds me that there is a LOT to be addressed for my own INTERNAL issues of trust. I always speculated that IF I had chosen/ever do choose to leave this relationship that I would probably have these same (yet, different) struggles in resetting my internal barometer. Lots of food for thought,....sorry, I know I am rambling!
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Nbay-
A lot of great food for thought.
I just wanted to add that I feel like we take paths/journey's in life to deepen getting to know ourselves. They present themselves to us in ways we could never do on our own.
Congrats on a great journey (whatever the outcome) to deepening your recovery. Getting a chance to clean out the old stuff to make way for the new.
The other question have is this. Have you been able to talk to this man about your feelings around this? I understand you have a lot of emotions going on right now and are working through them.
Sometimes as I settle deeper in my own recovery it is less the feelings that are the problems for me, and more when I cannot share them openly or talk about them with someone else that is the problem. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
A lot of great food for thought.
I just wanted to add that I feel like we take paths/journey's in life to deepen getting to know ourselves. They present themselves to us in ways we could never do on our own.
Congrats on a great journey (whatever the outcome) to deepening your recovery. Getting a chance to clean out the old stuff to make way for the new.
The other question have is this. Have you been able to talk to this man about your feelings around this? I understand you have a lot of emotions going on right now and are working through them.
Sometimes as I settle deeper in my own recovery it is less the feelings that are the problems for me, and more when I cannot share them openly or talk about them with someone else that is the problem. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
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He feels this has nothing to do with me, that he would NEVER want to hurt me, but he is doing the favor anyway because it's a matter of honor.
So he is helping old friend girlfriend alky, check. Short relationship at 7 weeks, check. You despise A's, check. Understandable on all the above. Kind of early to be laying down the law about who one can or can't see…….he didn't think you would mind and while I agree that men are stupid they also tend to rely on said stupidity as an excuse.
My issues is the above quoted statement which is a great example of a straw man's argument. Your point is that you want to have zip to do with any alcoholics and you question current relationship with an X- his answer is about his honor which shut that argument down tight and in no way addressed your concerns rather put you in a position to defend his stated "honor" by accepting the situation so you can allow him to be "honorable". As if he didn't do so would make him a bad guy………..
Its pretty manipulative. I believe he did not know that you would be so bothered. I think that he text you his plans a good sign. Not sure how much contact they really have, I don't think you do either. Is this a situation that when Ms. X calls Mr. new BF comes running? Dunno.
Its just too early in the relationship to really know if this is going to be an issue. Is this a once a year here and there type thing or is it a monthly more frequent type of thing?
I would watch and wait as others have said and yes more will be revealed. Perhaps you can both sit and talk about how you feel about A's and how you perceive this situation. It may take him awhile for him to process it. Unless I met the X, and became friends with that person I would not be ok with RAH having continued contact with an X outside and exclusive of our relationship. He's is clearly still stuck in some codependent thinking as far as she is concerned.
So he is helping old friend girlfriend alky, check. Short relationship at 7 weeks, check. You despise A's, check. Understandable on all the above. Kind of early to be laying down the law about who one can or can't see…….he didn't think you would mind and while I agree that men are stupid they also tend to rely on said stupidity as an excuse.
My issues is the above quoted statement which is a great example of a straw man's argument. Your point is that you want to have zip to do with any alcoholics and you question current relationship with an X- his answer is about his honor which shut that argument down tight and in no way addressed your concerns rather put you in a position to defend his stated "honor" by accepting the situation so you can allow him to be "honorable". As if he didn't do so would make him a bad guy………..
Its pretty manipulative. I believe he did not know that you would be so bothered. I think that he text you his plans a good sign. Not sure how much contact they really have, I don't think you do either. Is this a situation that when Ms. X calls Mr. new BF comes running? Dunno.
Its just too early in the relationship to really know if this is going to be an issue. Is this a once a year here and there type thing or is it a monthly more frequent type of thing?
I would watch and wait as others have said and yes more will be revealed. Perhaps you can both sit and talk about how you feel about A's and how you perceive this situation. It may take him awhile for him to process it. Unless I met the X, and became friends with that person I would not be ok with RAH having continued contact with an X outside and exclusive of our relationship. He's is clearly still stuck in some codependent thinking as far as she is concerned.
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Originally Posted by schnappi99
"men are stupid"
thought we were talking about recovery here, not judging people. "More will be revealed" will show his character, and yours.
thought we were talking about recovery here, not judging people. "More will be revealed" will show his character, and yours.
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