Devo55

My wife is in deep trouble and so am I as a result of where we are today. My wife, "M" has had a problem for 3 years now. The problem started with her wealthy cousins in that she had way too much "fun" consistently, severely over-indulging with them, culminating in a total cluster &^# which finally resulted in a crash into a tree and a DUI. Within the next couple of months, I had a severe knee injury which added to the tumult. I had no problem working as I'm in IT and can work remotely, but it was simply one more stick on the fire. Finally, her brother has had a debilitating problem with alcohol (on the order of 1/2 gal per day of vodka) and, despite a great deal of support from family etc it finally got the best of him and he passed as a result of the alcoholism and complications late 2013 As I unfortunately expected, that fed "M's problem as opposed to being a wake up.

Over the last couple of months, she has come home several times where I suspected she had been drinking. It was confirmed tonight when she came home totally drunk (driving of course) and had a blow-up with my adult son. I confronted her and yelled for the first time in 3 years (obviously no help, but it was a last straw and a sad vent). Although some of the items above are horrendous, I think that she would be a drinker regardless of the circumstances. Maybe my ignorance.

If she gets another DUI she will lose her job and undoubtedly give her another reason to dive deepen into the bottle.

I've read a few threads here and elsewhere and it appears that I should be supportive and "gentle" and worry about myself via Al Anon and M will get to where she needs to via my support, not enabling and patience. I'm more action oriented and would prefer to take action/steps in order to help move her forward, but I am at a loss at this point and simply preparing to go to Al anon meetings beginning this week so I can learn more. Seeking advice, but also simply opening up as this is my first post, anywhere, re my and my wife's problems.

Appreciate your sage advice

Santa

Welcome Devo55. I don't have much sage advice, just wanted to say that I lived with an alcoholic spouse and it's hell. As far as action you can try to get her to seek treatment but in the end you can't make her stop drinking. You are on the right track with alanon.

Mango blast

Devo, welcome to SR. I'm very sorry for what brings you here, of your wife spiraling and her brother losing his life to this disease. I'm glad you're here, for having a place to open up and find support for you. You matter, too.

Awareness of the problem is a great starting point. Knowing that you're at a loss and making Alanon a priority show a lot of progress that you're already making -- it took me a very long time to get to that point. You're likely correct that she'd probably be an alcoholic regardless of life circumstances. Everything does become a reason to drink - to celebrate, to mourn, to drown the feelings, and eventually to be able to wake up, to be able to go to sleep.

Have you or she talked with a Licensed Addictions Counselor or any rehab centers? As Santa says, you can't force her to stop drinking, but I'm wondering if you've had any professional consultations. Alanon has been a big part of my recovery. Finding where and how to turn my husband's care over to others, whether he was willing to accept that or not, also helped. When I stopped looking for help for him and sought professional help *for myself*, to let others take over this role, that is when I started healing.

The three C's are true: you didn't Cause this, you can't Control this and you can't Cure it. It's a chronic, progressive physical disease of the body and brain that is cunning and irrational. If you haven't already, I'd suggest reading all the stickies at the top of this forum. Lots of great info there.

FeelingGreat

Hi Devo,

Welcome to SR, you'll meet lots of people here who can understand what you're going through.

I don't have any advice as such, except to say you'll get a lot out of Alanon, I hope. You mention 'moving her forward'. Is she at the stage where she wants to do something about her drinking, or is she still in denial? I got the vision of you shifting her forward on a trolley cart, and that may be what it takes.

Many people don't seriously consider sobriety until the consequences of their drinking become more intolerable, but if a DUI hasn't slowed her down she may be a long way from that point. That's where the looking after own mental health becomes relevant.

Devo55

thank you both, being my first post and getting such quick responses, it is terrific to know that there are caring folks willing to listen and help/guide where possible.

Hawkeye13

HI Devo and welcome to SR;

I've been on both sides--the drinker and the family member dealing with the drinker.

You can't "move her forward" unless she is ready and chooses to do so,
but you can set limits on what you are willing to live with.

Please do look at the stickys at the top of the page as was suggested as knowledge is power when dealing with addiction.

I do, for the record, see your point that things are coming to a head, and it may get very bad soon if she doesn't choose to deal with her problem.

The most important question is what you need to do to protect yourself should she not
choose to get any help and keeps drinking.

What are your thoughts on this?

redatlanta

The only action I am aware of that you can take is to take care of yourself and set boundaries and enforce them. Your actions might have the positive influence to get her to make the decision to seek sobriety, but they may not either.

Read and educate yourself as much about this disease as you can it will help you maintain your sanity. We all come here looking for the fix - only to realize there is not one. There is only saving ourselves.