Timeiskey

Why is it so tough when you have to walk away from something that isn't working?

I wrote a few days ago about ending my relationship my ABF.

I miss him. I am realizing what it means to be codependent. Lots of information here and elsewhere has helped. I tried to attend my first Al Anon meeting today but the room had been moved. Trying again this evening.

The last time I saw him, he was sneaking drinks behind my back. It just is so painful to have made all these plans with someone who was so loving only to have that love just turn off.

We talked for several hours on my birthday. He was so angry at first but he seemed to actually become the person I had met. For a fleeting moment...got me into bed...next morning, he sweetly said I love you...kisses all over my face. The last thing he said was "we will talk more when I get back from work.." then he didn't come home that night.

I woke him at 2 the day after when I brought his things from my place. He was so indifferent as if he hadn't just used me and said he would try...

I know I put myself in that position and I don't want to do it again. This hurt is just so big right now.

lillamy

So here's the thing: Relationships can become like drugs. You can keep coming back because that's what you're used to. What you know. And every time you keep coming back, you rob yourself of the opportunity to find a better life. Just like the alcoholic when he goes back to drinking.

Be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that you deserve so much more than what a person with active alcoholism is capable of giving you. I found that not being in contact with the A broke his "power" over me.

HealingWillCome

I am so sorry Allie. I feel your pain.

To answer your question, the reason it's tough is because you would never treat someone that way and you can't understand how someone who says he loves you could hurt you so much. The truth is, it's easy for someone in the grips of alcoholism to hurt the ones they love because all that matters is protecting the addiction. My xabf is an alcoholic and marijuana addict. He knew that to have me he had to give up the others, and for him that turned out to be too much. It nearly killed me to watch him choose addictions over me. I didn't understand how he could do something so hurtful to me until I started to learn what addiction really is. Once I started to get it, it made it easier to deal with. I didn't feel the weight of rejection crashing down on me, once it clicked that that I had no power over the illness. He was doing to me what he had done to everyone in his life previously. And probably is still doing.

When I first joined here, there was a sticky that really spoke to me. Written by an addict, it opened my eyes to a way of thinking that I had never understood--the addict way of thinking. I'm copying the message here, and also the link to its thread that's over in the F&F of Substance Abusers forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Have A Great 24
-jon

I am so happy for you that you are seeking an Al-Anon group. I think you will find a huge sense of relief in having others around who get what you're going through. People from all walks of life who have been where you're at and have learned how to cope, and heal. You'll learn that you all share amazingly similar experiences. And then more importantly, if you stick it out, you will start to discover things about yourself that will make you stronger, happier, and healthier for a lifetime. Let us know how it goes.

horsegirl

Its tough, It was so tough for me , I was / am addicted to my XBF. The relationship was my addiciton, I broke my addicition and am on something like 58 days no contact. It still kills me that I loved him so much , why couldn't he just show me he loved me? I have to realize that he is not capable of loving me any more than he does. I am so sorry you are going through this , I know exactly what it feels like . You will get better with time. I agree with the others Alanon is a great start, even better if you find a sponsor. I go to a therapist weekly, slowly but sureley I am getiing better, trying to accept the loss is tough . Just remember you are grieving too.

Timeiskey

Lillamy and HealingWillCome,

I have read and reread your posts over and over again. I truly appreciate your comfort and advice. Last night was particularly hard, but thanks to good friends here and on the phone, I made it through to a new day.

Healing- I shared your post with my XABF's mother. She is also grieving for our relationship and her new understanding of her son's disease.

Horsegirl- hang in there. You are doing fantastic if you have 58 days no contact. I actually woke up fairly sane and still tried to text my ex to ask him to talk...why? I have no clue. Luckily, I actually texted a new friend instead...HUGE sigh of relief...

HealingWillCome

allie, how are you doing? Just thinking about you and hoping you're hanging in there.

Timeiskey

Healing, thanks for checking in on me. I am keeping with the no contact. I have also come to the conclusion that I should probably move not happy about that one. However, its just too close here.

I spend a lot of time thinking and hoping he is alright. I heard a message he left on a friend's phone. He sounded so sad... but I guess not sad enough to try to get healthy...I know, he has to do it for himself. I sure hope his rock bottom isn't too low.

As for me, I am eating better, exercising, making plans with friends and working on my Cody issues...

HealingWillCome

Hi allie. It's good to hear that you're putting some focus on self care right now. I know how hard it is to NOT think about him, what he's doing, and hoping underneath all of it that there will be some kind of miraculous turn around...waiting for that magical phone call or text that says, hey I'm going to get help, I want thinks to work... That was ALWAYS in the back of my mind, even while I was working on my own stuff. And it actually happened a couple of times, but relapse always had a stronger tug. No one knows for certain if your guy will ever choose a healthy path, but in the here and now, just keep reminding yourself that you do have control over your own choices, destiny, happiness...regardless of what he chooses. And something else to think about: even if he were to make a choice to help himself right now...it takes a long, long, long time for recovery and healing to make someone a healthy relationship partner. It's the reason you hear people talk about staying out of relationships for at least a year while they work on themselves.

I'm sorry you have to go through the hassle and uprooting of a move. BUT if it helps you to separate yourself from what's unhealthy for YOU, then it's worth it! No contact is to us what staying out of the bar is like to the alcoholic. It's pretty tough to abstain if you're constantly surrounded by the temptation. I think moving is a really healthy choice on your part.

Exercising, eating right, hanging out with friends...all good stuff. Hang in there! You can do this.