Tansy

This issue is about to rear it's head. XAH is moving in with relatives who has no space for our two sons to stay even if they'd go which they won't as they are autistic and hate going anywhere. X has no transport at all. He was never sober enough to drive a car so we got rid of it. He's moving 60 miles away and is relying on trains to visit. At Christmas there are no trains from Christmas Eve night until the day after Boxing Day. When our house sells he will have even further to visit as I'm moving further away to be near friends. I've told him he can't stay with me and the two boys at Christmas. I just cannot have him here doing his usual Christmas he always did. What's the point of splitting up if we are going to end up in the same situations again?

However I can see this is going to always be about him visiting me all the time and seeing the boys in my house. I'm I wrong for not wanting this? I know we are a way down the line but I was hoping to have my own life, maybe meet another man eventually, just normal stuff normies do lol and I cannot see how X in my life at regular intervals is going to enhance that. Of course his boys want to see him but neither of them are able to go anywhere independently cos of their autism so this will always be about me facilitating contact with him. ( codie or what eh?) I feel like I'm never going to be free of him. I don't want to spend the rest of my life enabling his contact with HIS sons.

My feeling is he needs to get his act together and buy a car so he pick them up for a few hours but that's never going to happen. How do you all deal with this?

hopeful4

A hotel with some visits going here or there by public transport sounds like what I would plan on. You cannot plan for him to be stable enough in any environment to receive your children. Not sure if your kids like to swim or not, but lots of hotels have pools. Have him come visit, stay in a hotel, kids can swim and hang out if he can be sober enough.

Honestly, he may just stop contact all together if he cannot stay sober at all. Sad but it happens. When I decided to get divorced I decided if my X could keep his sh*t together enough while my kids are there I would let them visit him. If not, no way. So, I planned on being a single mom, all the time.

Sad fact, but being a mom is my #1 commitment and my #1 job above all others.

I am sorry.

ladyscribbler

I let nature take its course. My ex and I live about 700 miles apart. He has no vehicle and no money to travel- it all goes to drinking, etc.
I have an arrangement with his parents where we meet halfway and drop off ds5 for visits. We did it last Christmas and again this summer for the month of July. If my ex is sober, he can stay with his parents and visit our son. If not, he doesn't. His parents finally had to set a boundary that he cannot come into their home if he's been drinking.
I understand that with special needs children your arrangement has to be different. You seem to be acting in their best interest, which is all you can do. You have every right to set a boundary and not allow him to stay in your home. That seems like a very healthy choice.
Expecting him to man up and do the right thing (take responsibility for himself, get a car, make travel arrangements, etc) is probably going to be a recipe for disappointment. Anything that competes with alcohol for his time, resources and attention is going to get pushed by the wayside. That's how it's been with my ex, anyway.
It's really hard to watch, but I try to be grateful that his family has stepped up and our son is at least able to have a good, loving relationship with his grandparents.

fbw

I have actually been giving this a lot of thought lately. My AH who recently relapsed is sober again and wants to see his son. I allowed a facetime conversation. I wanted so bad to limit access because I remember growing up with an AD and how angry I would get when he disappeared. My mom would always tell me " You can not hate him he is sick and your dad" Me limiting contact was trying to control something I can not.

So .... my solution and I am not sure how it will work - is to not limit access in any way if he is sober. In the future if my son is angry or disapointed by future relapses - I will tell me son it is OK to be angry.

I dread the idea of my son being carted back and forth so instead have arranged for a mutual understanding friend to come out for the weekend with my husband. They will spend the weekend with my son in my home. I will go to a hotel. These visits will become my Mom vacations.

I had some one suggest a family member as a point of contact for visists. Is that possible for you? It was not for me.

I like this arrangement because it means I can get some respite, I know my son is cared for because I trust the second person. I am close enough if there is a problem I can come to care for my son. I plan to make sure my hotel has a BIG tub, It has been almost 2 years since I had a nice long guilt free bath with a book!

Good luck!

CodeJob

FBW,

I love this idea! Clever! When my kid was small I occasionally traveled for work. I never much take a bath, but in a hotel it was glorious!

lillamy

I'll tell you what a friend told me: WHY are you trying to solve HIS problems?

He wants to visit his children? It's up to him to arrange it. It's not your issue. You have them all the rest of the time; you're responsible for homework and doctors appointments and sports events and playdates. If he is interested in seeing his children, it is HIS responsibility to arrange for a way that that can happen in an acceptable way. He can call social services and ask them to provide a space where he can see them. He can find a mutual friend who will supervise the visits. It really isn't your problem to solve.

Tansy

Thanks for all the ideas. I think lillamy hit the nail on the head tho. It's not my problem. Anything I do to organise him is enabling.

honeypig

I think this too. And if he can't get his $hit together to make the visits happen, well, then his choice has been made clear, hasn't it...