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Old 07-14-2014, 03:07 PM
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My husband is an alcoholic and pill addict.

We have been married for 2 yrs. This is my second marriage. I have 2 children from my previous marriage. We have no children together.

I didn't find out about his addiction until 2 months into our marriage. I am not a dummy. I know what addiction looks like. He hid it unbelievably well. He was never "drunk" He never came home staggering. He went to work every day. He never hit me or my kids. He was never verbally abusive. He was very loving and attentive to me and my kids. It was all very secretive except for the glass of wine with dinner or occasional social outing.

One day I found him passed out on our bed and went through his phone...weird messages about "30s" I was at work and I demanded the password to his checking and savings. I had put $18K from a credit card check into his savings to pay for our wedding. I was floored at the stops at the liquor stores. Most of the $18K was gone...stolen...given to his addiction.

He went to outpatient treatment, went to a few AA meetings. He couldn't stay sober.

4 months into our marriage, I kicked him out. He went to inpatient for 2 nights and then came home and had been sober for ~600 days.

On Thursday I thought I smelled beer on him when he got home from work. I brushed it off but an hr later I still smelled it and made him use the breathalyzer. He blew a .02 He says that he had 4 drinks (vodka nips, his drink of choice) over 4 days in the past 2 wks. He wanted to see if he could have just one. He wanted to see if he could "fit in" socially. He deliberately saved up the change from being the coffee runner at work and that's what he used to pay for his alcohol. He "swears" that there were no other times in between and that he didn't "crave" a drink. He just wanted to see if he was "normal"

afaik, he's sober from the pills. Nothing I can find financially that he is able to pay for them.

I don't know what to do. I am in huge credit card debt because of his addiction. I can't ever trust him with my kids anymore. I have no idea when he is lying to me.

I told him it was over but then I changed my mind and told him I needed to think things over and not make a rash decision. He literally has no where to go. He isolated himself from the few friends he had when he started his sobriety. His parents and sister live across the country.

I am trying to put my kids first. What would happen if my ex-husband found out? I would lose my kids so fast. My kids have no idea about his addiction.

The past few days I've had to put on a happy face because all the kids were with us and we had a graduation party and family yard sale. Now that it's just the 2 of us tonight, I am so angry. I have nothing to say to him and that is making him crazy.

I want to end this marriage but he's telling me this is just a stumble. I'm not sure if I can do this every few weeks/months/years. This is a lifetime struggle that I was not made aware of when we married.

I went to one al-anon meeting when I first found out 2 yrs ago. It was too faith-based for me but I'm willing to try again.

The only thing he has done was make an appt with his therapist. He hasn't reached out to attend AA.

To make matters worse, we are leaving for a big family vacation very soon. His sister and her family are coming with us.

I've reached out to my mom and a few friends but only one was married to an addict...he died of an overdose. No one knows what to say.

Sorry this is so long. Any words of wisdom would be very helpful right now.

Thank you,
k
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Old 07-14-2014, 03:53 PM
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Hi Yensid, and welcome to SR.

First off let me just say there are so many good things in your post. You have a much better understanding of what's going on then I did early in my marriage. It took me years to figure it out, then years to stuff it into the "denial" drawer, then a few more years to dig it out again. You get the picture.

You already seem to understand that there is nothing that you can do for him. He has to be the one to take charge of his own recovery. It doesn't sound like he's doing a very good job of that. I'm so sorry. Addiction makes people do and say things that make no sense, until you realize that they're doing it to protect their addiction. His lying, his burning through money, his drinking again to see if he's "normal". Yep. All par for the course.

I would encourage you to try Alanon again. Some groups are a bit more faith-y then others. I'm in a part of a country where most people differ from my faith tradition. I just take it all in stride. Alanon has a saying "take what you need and leave the rest". I find I take a lot more than I leave. There are support groups other than Alanon, however, and I'm sure others here can shed light on them. The point is that it may be useful for you to have a regular face to face group (as well as SR) to help you through this.

Even though your family and friends don't know what to say, I'm still glad you reached out to them. Many of us make the mistake of keeping our alcoholic's secrets for way to long. Hopefully, when you have a better idea of what you need from them, they'll be there for you.

In the meantime we're here for you. ((((((( hugs ))))))
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Old 07-14-2014, 04:55 PM
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It sounds like almost two years later AH crossed a boundary you had set. Are you afraid your ex will try to get your kids if your AH stays or if AH goes?
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Old 07-14-2014, 06:02 PM
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Welcome yensid!

You are already a winner in my book! 4 mo married and you kicked him out? My H is upset I did it 18 years in!

The finances sound a bit frightful. How are you in debt for his addiction?

I'm thinking you are exactly right in your post in that if you make decisions based on your kids' safety and well-being, you are on the right path. So protecting your custody is crucial.

You have every right to end things if you decide to. You can decide you don't need the drama of addiction in this marriage. You can change your mind hourly. I do that sometimes...

There is a lot of wisdom here and in the sticky threads at the top.
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Old 07-15-2014, 08:45 AM
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I am afraid that if I stay and something happens that involves my kids I will lose them.

The credit card debt is in my name only. I had gotten a promo check from my credit card and deposited $18k into his savings to pay for our wedding. I never had a reason to check on the money and when I did most of it was gone from withdrawals he had made to pay for pills. That credit card is in my name only. The balance is now $11k.

This really is so sucky. I am in the frame of mind to leave but need to find the courage.
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Old 07-15-2014, 08:51 AM
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The balance on the credit card is 11k, or the balance in the savings account is 11k?

Does he still have access to those funds? Are you doing anything to stop his access?
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Old 07-15-2014, 09:42 AM
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Making a decision is not easy, and it is a process, and it can take time. Took me more than a year because we have a child together.

Detaching with love includes love for your own sanity and peace of mind. I agree with all points SeriousKarma makes.
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Old 07-15-2014, 11:45 AM
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Welcome, Welcome! and as CodeJob said-- wow, after 4 months and many of us are working on many years.

You are a mighty strong as far as I'm concerned, and you have a great head on your shoulders. Don't Panic, whatever you do. Don't feel rushed to make a decision either. Think this through and make a plan.

I see your concerns and feel you are just as hurt because of feeling/being lied to.

Can you get the money from the account and put it into yours alone? Is the money in account of his name only? You mentioned you needed to demand the passwords.

Hang in there and here as a matter of fact. These people are amazing and will be there for you all the way, no matter what you do.
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Old 07-15-2014, 03:02 PM
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The balance on the credit card is $11k. We have a savings together that I plan on withdrawing from and opening up a savings in my name only. Not to keep it for myself but to keep it from him.

Originally Posted by SeriousKarma View Post
The balance on the credit card is 11k, or the balance in the savings account is 11k?

Does he still have access to those funds? Are you doing anything to stop his access?
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Old 07-15-2014, 03:07 PM
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2 things I have read here so far that have stuck with me.

1. Detaching with love. I need to know how to do this.

2. Amy55 (?) said in another post about being addicted to fixing the problem. Bingo. I am a nurse...I work with babies, some are in withdrawal from a number of drugs. I "fix" them and all my other patients. Why can't I fix this? I know in my head I can't.

I'm so glad to have found this forum. I am leaning towards leaving but want to be thoughtful about it. I am seeing my therapist (again!) in 2 weeks. I am working on finding an al-anon meeting.

AH saw his therapist today. He isn't seeking out AA and I don't want to "make him" I want to see what he will do on his own. He's doing other things like laundry, cooking, chores etc but I could care less about that stuff.
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Old 07-15-2014, 03:51 PM
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yensid,

Hi and welcome to SR.

With being addicted to fixing a problem. I made myself crazy. Yep, being a nurse will do that also. I worked for social security. I just wanted to do my best for everybody that came in. I know social security at times gets a bad rap, but I was truly there for the people. After all, I wasn't giving away my money. I was trying to help people.

I remember I was always given the worst clients, the ones that no one could control, the ones the police had to be called for. They were never like that with me. I showed them respect. It was all they really needed and wanted. So I couldn't understand that sometimes I could deal with criminals, and they would show me respect, why couldn't my ex?

I also have a very scientific and mathematical mind. There is always an answer for everything. Right? Then when you find yourself in a situation where there is no answer, it's really hard to believe. So you keep working and working to fix the problem, until one day you are so burned out, you give up.

I think you have a really good head on your shoulders. I think you can do really well with the detachment. You are so far ahead of me and I know you are going to do just fine.

Thank you for joining our forum, we need people like you. I am sorry for the situation that you are in now.

I didn't respond previously because you said you weren't in an abusive relationship. Mine was extremely abusive, and I was to the point that I didn't care if he drank, just stop abusing me. (lol) Wouldn't you consider going through all that money financial abuse though? Is he really there for you when he is drinking and drugging? Do you feel emotionally connected to him at those times, or do you sometimes feel that you don't even exist in his eyes? Do you sometimes feel lonelier when he is around, then when you are alone?

Some of that may or may not apply

Just wanted to welcome you and give ((((((hugs))))))))
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Old 07-15-2014, 05:36 PM
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
I didn't respond previously because you said you weren't in an abusive relationship. Mine was extremely abusive, and I was to the point that I didn't care if he drank, just stop abusing me. (lol) Wouldn't you consider going through all that money financial abuse though? Is he really there for you when he is drinking and drugging? Do you feel emotionally connected to him at those times, or do you sometimes feel that you don't even exist in his eyes? Do you sometimes feel lonelier when he is around, then when you are alone?
Yes, I'm trying to look at it as financial infidelity/abuse.

When he got sober, I became his addiction. I do enjoy being alone...probably because I enjoy the break of his excessive affection.

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome. =)
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Old 07-15-2014, 06:08 PM
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Welcome, yensid. Another thing to keep in mind is that you don't have to decide everything right this second. I think talking things through with your therapist & sitting down to write out a financial plan of action makes a lot of sense before jumping to action. Al-anon is definitely helpful to many, many people here on this forum & if you've only tried a single meeting I know they advise trying up to 6 different ones to find your "fit" in the program. If you've only just started reading here at SR, take the time to go through the stickys at the top of the page because you're likely to find a lot that resonates with you.
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Old 07-15-2014, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by yensid View Post
He isn't seeking out AA and I don't want to "make him" I want to see what he will do on his own.
Wow.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who noticed this quote.

You may not realize this, but your ability to let his recovery be his responsibility this early on in your relationship says a lot about who you are and how you're going to handle this. That's awesome.
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