killerinstinct

I've been a single mum with barely any assistance physically, financially, emotionally or mentally from sons father. Now that I am officially divorced I feel strong enough to completely disconnect. In my heart I know that this is what I need to do but I feel inhumane for it. It's not something I can help, it's just that I've hit a wall and want to cut this guy out of our lives for good. He still wants some control over the situation still wants to see my son but his track record has left me high and dry (he's done nothing but look after himself for so long and his whores and mates not me or my son) Am I evil/bad/horrible for not wanting him around my son and I anymore. I feel like having him around is abusing myself. I just don't feel comfortable, I don't trust him with my child, I don't trust him, he's become a stranger to me. He keeps on saying he has a legal right!! But what about my moral right? I'm trying not to let this gap change things but I can't deny that a gap is forming.. Something has shifted and it's scaring me because I feel like I'm about to make some destiny altering decision.

NWGRITS

Trust your gut. I wouldn't want that guy around my kid, either. Chances are pretty good that he's bluffing, but it wouldn't hurt to be armed with knowledge about your rights as your son's primary caregiver. Many times the A will make threats to engage you, but rarely do they actually follow through on it. After all, spending time with his son would cut into his drinking. Winning a custody fight wouldn't change him into the world's best father; he would probably fail to hold up his end of the deal. That happens a lot, too. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but glad to see that you are starting to trust your own instincts. That's a big sign of progress!

totfit

I think we might want to look at the legal right and leave "moral" judgement to a higher authority.

FeelingGreat

Hi KI, what did the Family Court put in place for custody/visitation? Whatever is in place is what you'll have to abide by. If you have any reservations about your son's welfare when with his father, you'll need to talk to the Family Court. My DIL was in this situation, and had to go through a negotiation process (can't remember what it was called, but it didn't involve lawyers). In her case the court upheld her concerns and granted her full custody, but her daughter still has contact with her grandmother.

If your former H loves your son, and you feel he will be a safe guardian, consider letting them spend time together. Your son will benefit from having a father in his life as he grows up, it will give you some time for yourself, and your EXH will be more invested in caring for him emotionally and financially.

I understand your instinct to protect your son, and you do need to shield him from harm. You also have a lot of anger towards your X. Try not to use your son as a way to punish your X though. Another aspect is that there may be a set of loving grandparents who your son would love to know as he grows up. They may help him in a practical way as well, and if they are decent people, become great role models for him.

All of the above is if you can ensure your son's welfare and safety.

meggem

I can see myself being exactly in your situation in the next few weeks/months and even though I am not quite there yet, I can imagine saying the same things.

But as of this point, I have no reason to believe I can't trust him with my 2 girls. As of NOW. Aside from him saying things to my kids while we are "fighting/talking/communicating" that are damaging, I "think" when he is on his own with them he will be "ok"

I am leaving him for me --but ESPECIALLY for my kids. Especially. The last thing I would want to do is go through all of this to mainly protect them, and then deprive them of seeing their father because of my feelings for him. Only because of what that would do to them long term (if anything, who really knows)

I don't know your entire story, and if you feel your son is in danger being with him, then he shouldn't be with him, but based on your post alone that i read, it sounds to me like you are projecting your feelings about him (which I am sure are 100% appropriate) onto your son because that is one thing you have control over.

And please don't misunderstand me, I can see myself feeling the same way and its great that you posted.

I would sit with this for a while, pray, reflect, post and think before you make any kind of decision.

You have come this far already. And I think he is supposed to be a stranger to you now. You are supposed to feel this way. good for you!! I'm sure he has been a stranger for a long time and now you are far enough away from the situation that you are really FEELING it now more than you ever have before. That shows progress on your part. You are growing. Keep with this and wait to make any decisions about your son. wait for some additional clarity.

killerinstinct

We did have a plan in place by the courts and he broke it within the first week so the judge said it's not my problem anymore, that was 6 months ago.. and I still let him see him after that. He's very abusive and has pushed my son before when drunk.. I know he would benefit from having a relationship with his dad, but he's not all there at times and it's scary for me. I think I'll let him see his son but I just can't do the over night thing. My son isn't safe if I am not there. His grandma is an alcoholic too.

53500

If your son is not safe with him then he should never be alone with him. Pushing him when drunk sure does sound like he is not safe. Maybe supervised visits? I don't know what the law says about your situation but do whatever it takes so your son does not get pushed by a drunken father anymore.

biminiblue

I would stop all visits with Dad based on what you've said.

You are not being inhumane. You're being smart.

FeelingGreat

Hi KI, if your EXH has physically abused your son, and can't provide a safe environment, even at the grandparent's place, the I completely understand your thinking. Also your concern seems to be for having to see him again, which is only natural.
I wonder if you have enough evidence to approach the FC and request no access or supervised access? Also that any arrangements don't involve you having contact with EXH. I would urge you to try to make it official if you can to prevent your EXH from bullying you. There are counsellors at the FC who can help you through the process.
Once again, from my DILs experience, she was able to put conditions on her ex re-establishing contact with their daughter which he is too much of a drop-kick to care about following.

hopeful4

He sounds dangerous. I think No Contact for you and your son would be a positive thing. Move on with a happy life for both of you.

XXX

NWGRITS

He wouldn't benefit from a relationship with an abusive drunk. That much I know for sure. I grew up with an alcoholic mother who was verbally and emotionally abusive. I would've been better off without her. I'm in therapy and Al-Anon trying to undo the damage caused by growing up actively involved with an A. Don't buy into that "But he needs his father" junk. Any sober, healthy male role model will fit the bill quite nicely. Not an abusive alcoholic.

PippiLngstockng

How old is your son?

I have learned that in our case, which I think is quite different from yours, they need to see their father. The overnights and crazy things that happen are bad and I have no control over it because the judge ordered unsupervised weekly stays with their father and longer in the summer. I only wanted them to have supervised visits during the day until or unless xah straightens himself out.

But what I have learned is that they do want contact with their father. And then they are really really glad to see me afterwards. If I purposefully keep them from their father they get angry with me and then they see the divorce as my fault and me as controlling and mean. But of course when they are with him they hear all sorts of lies and are exposed to bad things. So it is not great either way.

They know that I am there for them if they ever need anything. They know that I have my eyes wide open. And that they can see and talk to their father and have a relationship with him that is their own.

Hope that helps. It wasn't easy to get to this place of accepting all the things I can't control.

killerinstinct

My son is 16 months old. Thank you all.. I am so over all of this :0(

killerinstinct

Okay so I met my sons father tonight.. I can see that my son and he love each other ... It was nice to see them bond.. I think what I am comfortable with is for my son to see his father for visits and to have him for half days supervised but I just can't allow him to have over night stays.. I just can't do it and don't feel right about it at all. He fessed up indirectly that he has lost his job and that some major changes are taking place in his life again .. And proceeded to blame me for everything.. So draining.

Taking5

This. I cannot speak to Australia's laws but in the USA he would have a right unless the court takes it away. Have you talked to an attorney yet? Maybe a women's rights advocate group? I know they can be of help over here I would assume they can do similar things down under as well.

Please do not take this into your own hands and make an emotional decision, talk to some legal experts or advocates.

killerinstinct

I have spoken to legal experts, we had a plan in place which he broke within the first week .. and still I allowed access to his child after that. I've just been so burnt by him. I guess it will take me sometime to trust him.. It's very exhausting. Not knowing if he will show up one week Or not, do the right thing then next... It's always something. I am tired.

Santa

Your ex was drunk and pushed a toddler? Please do not leave your son alone with him.

He's already shown you he can't be trusted. Don't rationalize that away. Your first post - first instinct - to cease contact is what your gut is telling you. Your son is not safe with your ex. If he pushes or shakes your son, the possibility is permanent brain damage - or worse. You are your son's only defense here.

killerinstinct

Thank you Santa... I know what my gut is telling me, I should pay attention to it.. I feel uneasy and sick about it for a reason. I've discussed things with him and they will always be supervised visits.. A few times a week .. I think that's fair in everyone.. Just no overnighters.. I can't do it I just don't trust that he won't be drinking overnight. My sons too little to defend himself. Thank you all I really appreciate all of the advice

Santa

killerinstinct - I don't usually carry stuff from this board around with me, but I thought about your little boy several times today. So often we worry about the addict's feelings and moods, who is frankly the least important person in the room. What about those who have no way to defend themselves. A memory burbled up of my tiny son only a few months old leaning on my lap. His head almost fell onto my desk when his father lurched over insisting on showing me something, and I let go of my son for a second to attend to what the drunk was saying. I've never forgotten that moment, which was more than 16 years ago, what was I thinking?

Take good care of your precious son and never prioritize your ex's feelings over his welfare. Best to you.

NWGRITS

I almost lost my kids to child protective services two years ago. My AM was babysitting for two hours while my ex-husband was at work and my aunt was driving my grandmother to the doctor. Two hours. Not that long. Well, in those two hours she got completely trashed and my kids (then 6 and 4) were destroying the house. They could have hurt or killed themselves. I was 3,000 miles away, home with my husband, stepchildren, and pregnant with our daughter. I couldn't do anything but listen on the phone as my family raged self-righteously at me over leaving the kids with her (it wasn't my choice!). It's taken a lot of work to forgive myself for that, and I've sworn to always protect them from ever having to experience anything like it again. We haven't spoken to AM in 2+ years. I just thank God that my ex isn't an addict, just your run-of-the-mill a-hole.