Ollie1124

I woke up today very hopeful & excited about my decision to stop drinking. In over 5 years I haven't gone more than 1 day w/out drinking & honestly, most of those few single days in between were spent sober because I was sick from a hangover.

I went to 2 meetings and felt great. I related to the words in the rooms & enjoyed my conversations with others. Then hubby & I (who doesn't know I'm attending meetings) went idea shopping for backyard bbq's for the house we are about to close on. We were talking about ideas for our yard & he pointed at an outdoor keg. All I could think of is the beer I'll be missing as all our friends are over for a pool party. It feels weird. And I hate it. I know that I can't control myself when I drink (not always, but I'm afraid of what I'll do when I drink too much & I no longer trust myself after an incident on Friday).

I didn't think I'd feel so deprived. How screwed up is that? My car is missing it's front plate & I have to go pick it up from the police station & I'm crying over a beer that I can't have on a day that has yet to surface.

But I know I have a problem. If I didn't I wouldn't have driven into a gate drunk on Friday. If I didn't I wouldn't pour wine into a coffee cup to run errands. If I didn't I wouldn't finish off other people's drinks while helping a friend clean up the kitchen after a party. If I didn't I wouldn't steal pain pills from a friends medicine cabinet. If I didn't I wouldn't intentionally drink on an empty stomach to get the alcohol to hit me faster. If I didn't I wouldn't have 5 drinks in the time it takes my friends to finish two. If I didn't I wouldn't consider a bottle of champagne on a Sunday followed by a long 'nap' a relaxing and refreshing weekend.

I really don't know how I got this bad.

soberjuly

Think of how fabulous your stomach will look if you don't drink beer ever again!

I never drove into anything which is amazing because I was often loaded. I also had booze in coffee mugs (especially for school drop-off). And being the ultimate loser mom, I remember when I used to carry my booze in baby bottles in my diaper bag. I can look at an empty bottle of wine on the kitchen counter, a bottle I drank, and still want more. I used to hide booze all over the house. I used to hide it in the bathroom so I could have a drink while using the bathroom and no one would know. I wish I could finish off a friend's drink but I'm such a bitch when I've been drinking, which was pretty much all the time, less time to sleep, that I'm going to need to start fresh in that dept. Hopefully there are enough people where I live.

Now to sleep and wake to Day 3.

Ollie1124

I live in Walnut Creek. I'll be your friend

Thank you for taking the time to reply and share with me. I wish you well and send you many hugs.

HeadLump

Oh, Ollie! You've already done a lot of the hard work by recognising that you have a problem and taking steps to deal with it. You've found the ladder - sadly, not many do - and now you're starting to climb it It's hard at first but you soon get the hang of it and the further you climb the better prespective you have of the life you're leaving behind.

Is there a reason why you haven't told your husband you're going to AA? How aware is he of your problem? It might be good to open up to him as he could be an excellent support. Whatever you decide to do, please lean on us here at SR. We understand and we care

DisplacedGRITS

Hey, Ollie! I just wanted to say that the idea of hiding your meetings from your husband seems to be weighing on your mind. I think having an open and honest discourse with him would be a good idea. Just let him know that you're making this change for you and you don't expect him to up and quit drinking. Just ask for his support in this decision. I have found that honesty is the mose wonderful gift my sobriety has given my husband. I think it's difficult to begin a long term life of sobriety with lies. It's okay to be honest and it's okay to be scared. Just think, if it was him quitting drinking and you were the normie, would you want to know about his decision and how to support or would you be aghast at his admission? Admitting you're an alcoholic doesn't make you any more or less of an alcoholic. It just takes the pressure off you of having to be the perfect drinker. You get to be who you are and being a sober alcoholic in recovery is nothing to be ashamed of.

Thepatman

You had some solid insight already. Your husband is key I also think.

An outdoor beer keg would literally make me camp outside my house for the hole summer. ;-)

Glad you enjoyed your AA meetings.

Ollie1124

Thank you for the replies.

We laid in bed last night & talked about it. While I didn't tell him that I'm going to meetings, I did tell him that I have a problem with my drinking. I told him that I have drank daily for 5 years. His eyes opened & he went "wow. I didn't realize". And then I asked him to think of a day we spent together where I wasn't drinking and he couldn't. Because there isn't one. He said he just assumed when I wasn't with him I wasn't drinking (we just got married and started living together this last April). If he only knew that I was usually drinking more those nights alone in my own Apartment.

We talked about what went through his mind on Friday when the cops showed up asking who drove the white Nissan - "****. what or who did my wife hit tonight".

I told him that it scared me & I that I no longer trust myself to drink. And that I realize and accept that I am no longer just accountable to myself - I am now accountable to him, his family & his friends.

I will tell him about the meetings soon. Maybe today. I just don't feel ready yet as I'm trying to process my own feelings about the situation.

Blessings and a happy healthy day to all.

HeadLump

That's a huge step forward, Ollie. Be proud of yourself for doing that

PurpleKnight

Keep pushing through Ollie, Day 2 is fantastic!!