fbw

I am trying to sort out how to communicate my next boundary to my AH. He has informed me that he plans to sober up again on Tuesday and has some great plan to do so. I wish him the best.

Here is the letter I am thinking of sending him on Tuesday. I want to be clear my intention in this letter is not to shame him or insult him. I feel a lot of resentment right now so I am hoping I have been able to convey information with out trying to hurt or manipulate.

My expectations with this letter are that he has the information he needs if he wants to know why he can not see or talk to his son at this point. I understand he may fight it or become drastic - I will cross that bridge when I get there. I do not expect a positive response from him - what I want to make sure I can do is not add to the drama with my own faults. That means that I did not fill it with clever ways to shame him or harm him as a way to get revenge for the anger and sadness I feel.

So here it is - input is appreciated - Not concerned about his response but about making sure my own character defects are not getting in the way of clear communication and fooling me into thinking they are not there.

--------------------------------

Congratulations on your new found commitment to recovery, I love you and I hope you are able to find peace and hope.

Due to my past experiences with your commitments to recovery and the heart break I have experienced as well as the heart break I have had to deal with in our son over the past weekend this commitment will not be enough to be allowed back in our life. I had hoped to find a way for you to maintain continuity of contact with him, you declined that offer and as such he has suffered a confusing loss. I do not wish to have that loss repeated.

I am sorry I do not have a clear picture of what will constitute a regain of this trust. I trust in the program and the process that overtime if you want to work on it, the trust can be rebuilt. I will be diligent on my end and work through the resentments I feel at this point towards you, I know logically this is a disease but my heart is a bit slow to catch up this time.

I want to re- affirm I am committed to keeping my marriage vows. I hope we can keep continued contact through out this process and that a formal separation agreement is not required.

Love always
____________________________________________

I know one of my character defects is that I use shame and guilt as a way to feel better when I am hurting. I am concerned that my disease is fooling me into thinking I am not using it in this letter. I threaten a lot to. When I can not get my own way I manipulate and threaten.

Thanks for looking at this. Not looking for thoughts on how he will respond - this letter is more about me fulfilling my need to be honest and straightforward about my intentions and actions. His response is inconsequential to this.

SeriousKarma

fbw, I'm a little confused. maybe you can clarify: You're concerned that one of your character defects is using shame and guilt, but you don't want thoughts on how he will respond. That seems a bit contradictory to me.

Are you simply asking whether or not your letter accurately states what you need it to state, or do you want opinions?

Thanks. I know this has got to be tough.

fbw

I want opinions on if my letter has shame or guilt in it. Does it look like a clever vail to shame or guilt him for something I am indeed feeling resentment for?

Or have I managed to accurately state the situation with love and understanding?

Taking5

I am against writing letters to men - even sober, healthy men. We do not respond to the written word as well women do. Women consume close to 70% of books, periodicals and newspapers, despite being basically half of the population. It might be tougher on you but you should just tell him face to face whatever you have to say.

In terms of expectations, I think you should zero expectations. If you have zero expectations you may also find that you really don't have all that much to say to him. JMHO.

Good luck.

fbw

Taking5 - Where are you getting that stat from? I am not a fan of eliminating contact with out letting the person know why. Face to face is not something I am comfortable with any more. To easy for me to slide backwards and do or say things I will regret.

NWGRITS

When dealing with an active alcoholic, reasonable gestures like this typically end up tanking very quickly.

I didn't even read the letter because I couldn't get past you writing that he said he would get sober on Tuesday. Why Tuesday? Why not stop drinking and start right that very second? I smell a quack.

heartbrokenK

For me personally letters NEVER get any point across to my husband. If I had to I would state the facts of my boundary and try to leave as much emotion out as possible. Easier said than done !

BunnyNest

I think you communicated your boundary already when he started drinking again, correct? I think it is shaming because it will just be piling onto what has already been made clear. If and when he actually becomes sober and wants contact with his child, you can cross that bridge. I say this because I was very guilty of this future tripping to keep me tied to them.

I don't think I would put anything regarding restricting contact with his child in writing without the ok of a lawyer.

I'm so sorry for the pain of this for you and your son.

fbw

Thank you
I think you are all right. I am contacting a lawyer.

Santa

I have in a folder on my computer many, many copies of emails sent from me to my XAH, describing his wrongdoings. How he hurt our kids. How he hurt me. What he did this time that was beyond the pale. Et cetera. None of it made a damn bit of difference.

dandylion

fbw----yeah, way too wordy...that many words causes a man's brain to freeze up! Men like the bottom line, as a rule of thumb.

It surely had great value for you to organize and write y our thoughts and feelings. Personally, I would leave it at that......
In the end, he will do what he is going to do. A letter won't make the difference one way or another, in my opinion.

A note of general caution: Never write or confess your "shortcomings" to an active alcoholic.....that is like stockpiling bullets for their guns--for later use. They get enough mileage out of blame shifting, as it is! It will all be used against you, down the line. trust me...LOL.

Concerning custody issues...the best paper to have is court papers. That will define the boundaries.

Any notes of letters that I ever wrote (and I wrote some beautiful ones...LOL!!) evaporated like the dew in the morning sun.....sigh!

fbw.....you understand, that these are my opinions and thoughts on the subject, only....


dandylion

schnappi99

I like one of alanon's sayings, is it Thoughtful, Helpful, Insightful, Necessary, Kind

Unless all are yes then perhaps it might be worth reconsidering the action. I wonder what the win is if you send it. Motivate him into recovery, at best? Or are you trying to address concerns you think he may have, but he has not asked you?

I like the supportive language- its much nicer than stiff arm but commitment to recovery must come from inside him. Personally I would avoid commenting about custody and contact without discussing w/ a lawyer. Maybe he'll step up and start a strong recovery- if he does then contact could resume and become more involved as he shows himself trustworthy.

Interestingly, my wife and I are going thru something analogous. She is the RAW, I'm the codie. We and our daughter had a nice long vacation a couple weeks ago- we were "debriefing" the other night finally having some time alone together- she kept expecting a "codie relapse" from me and said as much, continuing that she doesn't trust my recovery yet. Interestingly, that didn't bother me at all in fact I think its quite fair- compared to how I would have reacted even 6 mos ago- it'd be all "WTF aren't we married why don't you trust me" blah blah blah.

So if you'll pardon my forwardness, in your shoes, I would hold him to a standard of put up or shut up and you needn't trust or involve yourself or discuss your reasoning with him. This recovery or lack of will tell you all you need to know & I think it would be fine if he earned your trust back via demonstrating continuing recovery over a many months period.

eddieI

i think it is very therapeutic to put your feelings into writing but I dont know that it would be helpful for either of you to actually give him the letter. maybe hold onto it for a week, who knows Tuesday may not be the big day after all. I think it will be a while before you will be able to get through to him on any level. If he dont know that he is a poor excuse for a husband and father you telling him that will not help. Let him figure that out on his own. I have started a journal, and i can be as mean and manipulative as i need to be without expecting a reaction from my soon to be ex.