meggem

A townhouse has become available. I was approved. With the cheer-leading of everyone to "Get out" I decided to move forward.

I still struggled with my moral code and just "walking away" from the house and I thought it is the right thing for me to do to pay half until the house sells.

But my Supposed RA never completes anything, is worthless and lazy and can't think for himself or act like a responsible adult and will use the house and it's "unselling" to his FULL advantage.

My parents will help me, but not forever and ever and ever until he decides to do something productive. Besides, my big girls stars Kindergarten on August 25th. It's better for her to be settles somewhere before that.

The lawyer said she would write up whatever I wanted but it didn't mean he had to sign, and if he didn't sign we would have to litigate.

He doesn't have 2 nickels to rub together and has been blaming me screaming "what is HE supposed to do????"

I know his parents will help him but they are sitting back waiting for him to take responsibility for himself. They will no longer "enable" they said.

I gambled on the fact that if he is able to borrow or be gifted 5-10K from his parents they would not give it to him for an attorney. The house needs to go up for sale, get sold, either make a dollar or lose a dollar or come out even.

With this gamble in mind, I told him (I know I didn't even have to tell him) - Since I have decided to move out, I will have the papers re-written to where I will pay half the mortgage, taxes and insurance for 90 Days.

And here it comes.....

You miserable B

You piece of trash

F you

I'm suing for sole custody

I'm suing for alimony

(Pointing at me) I will DESTROY you if you ruin my credit

GET OUT

When you get home later (going to a picnic) you'll find all of your stuff on the porch (why doesn't he take that time to pack his own stuff or paint the trim?)

My 2 year old wants to get up on the chair - Mommy is too lazy to help you.

I'm stopping my direct deposit. (then how do I pay the bills? I thought he didn't want his credit ruined)

You are squandering money

Then he had to leave to be somewhere.

thoughts please?

Brindie

You go girl! Well done, don't look back - and btw I wouldn't be paying any of the bills! That is your call, of course. Good luck. Enjoy this next stage and the peace and quiet it will bring when you close your own front door. Hugs.

schnappi99

You're the only one trying to do the right thing, you sure you need to be doing it?

Might be worth it to walk away and let the mortgage company have him and the house.

Speaking only for myself if I was in a position where my daughter's stability and peace of mind is being traded off against my own moral code then my daughter would win every time.

But this is all easy for me to say, and I'm really sorry you have to be living it. OTOH for all his bluster and threats I wonder if he's capable of following through with anything.

Brindie

Oh, and his response ........ well, this is not a rational brain you're dealing with. It is well pickled. He'll survive!

biminiblue

Good job. He's a piece of work.

Right. But you already know that.

((hug))

dandylion

Quacking....

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Every time you take a step forward it jolts him out of his state of denial, so he gets angry. I really hope he doesn't block you with every move, but hopefully he's too lazy.

How does keeping up the house costs for 90 days help you? I hope you can claim it from the sale proceeds seeing he's not contributing.

meggem

With the help of you guys and my squad, I am starting to see that I cannot feel and be responsible for him. I am still struggling with that. But I'm using the saying "fake it until you make it"

53500

meggem, I don't know your whole story but just reading this I'd have to say that you and your children getting out is absolutely the right thing to do.

It sounds like you can afford the townhouse on your own? Is that right?

If that is right then move into it and do not pay half of anything. Why should you? It seems like he has the money to pay, right? If he has a direct deposit he has some source of income, right? Then let him handle it. Or not.

I guess your name is on the mortgage too? If so your credit will be hurt. Maybe you can sign the house over to him, communicate with the lender, I don't know. Maybe your lawyer can help in this regard. I hate the idea of ruining your credit but in this situation credit seems less important than you and your kids living in a safe and peaceful place without his abuse.

Best of luck to you, dear. Sorry you are going through this. You should NOT be spoken to like that. You do not deserve it.

meggem

the 90 day thing doesn't help me at all. I guess it helps my conscience a little. The first thing that comes from the sale is the marital debt. I don't even care at this point if I get a dime.

I really think he is too lazy and stupid to fight me. Besides why on earth would they gift him thousands of dollars to fight instead of just cutting his losses and starting his life over?

schnappi99

If you'll pardon me for asking but in what way is your conscience involved- fairness to him given his attitude and the language he's using towards you? Not saying to try and screw him out of anything but the opportunities for change are past, these are now consequences.. how is paying his half of the bills for 3 months going to help. I'm inclined to think you could use that money to help get you and your daughter out of there and comfy someplace else.

meggem

thanks 53...My parents will help me until the bleeding stops and I can regroup. It will be very tight but I will do what I have to do. I don't know, it feels really COLD and evil to just walk away completely. It's just not the right thing to do, but I don't know what place that comes from - a damaged place or my character. My name is on the mortgage and I am making phone calls to them to see if there is anything I can do. My credit is excellent right now and I don't want to damage it, but I may have to take a few hits I guess. I suppose some balls are going to drop, I don't know.

He doesn't make a ton of money but he is gainfully employed and honestly, is worth more money but he would never try to get a better job. He's an electrician and has been with this company for 7 years and also does sidework.

We BARELY made it on our own. I will BARELY make it on my own and I suppose the same for him. But I have to do what I have to do. I guess i will figure it out as I go along. thanks everyone.

meggem

you are right schnapp. But we bought this house together (I knew it was too much house, but I trusted him at the time, even though in the back of my mind I was like - how can this work? I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can do basic addition and subtraction) but looking back, the purchase of this house was just another thwarted way in his thinking. I tried for years to tell him we can't afford it and he took it as a shot to him - I'm a gold digger, all i care about is money and on and on.

I guess I just feel like I have to offer something as a parting gift I guess. I guess it sounds ridiculous. But in 4 weeks I have filed for divorce and have found a place and I still can't believe I am here. I knew one day I wouldn't be here but I didn't know how it was going play out and how it did has just been brutal.

schnappi99

Please be kind to yourself meggem- nothing you've posted is ridiculous and for my own part I want to be as far out of the judging game as I can get. House-poor is a very awkward place to be and it doesn't sound as if theres much of anything constructive to be done as far as keeping it. The trim painting and all might make a difference in the sale perhaps- if it were to happen.. .but if he drags his feet it will be a long time coming.. perhaps reposession and auction and a big loss in equity and lots of pain all around.

But I think you're doing the right thing to get with the mortgage company in advance, maybe you'll get lucky and some kind of less damaging arrangement can be made- I should think they don't want to be stuck with a huge default and all the drama either.

biminiblue

Megg, being honest with the mortgage holder is smart.

If there is little equity, I would consider a quit claim to him - it gives him the house and the financial obligation. Obviously if there is a chance that there is a significant amount of retrievable equity, then you'll have to take another tack.

I wouldn't offer to pay any of the expense. That will force a quicker conclusion. You don't owe him, he blew up your marriage with abuse of you and alcohol.

dandylion

meggem---I must say (gently and softly) that I believe that your unfounded "guilt" DOES come from a damaged place...as you suggest that it might..... LOL. Don't feel pregnant....most all of us who have walked on the co-dependent side feel guilty for taking in oxygen and giving off carbon dioxide....

Actually, guilt is co=dependency's ugly cousin.

meggem...I beg you to take a little time and consider your imminent financial plans in a detached, purely objective way (with your brain, only). What would you advise your daughter in this kind of situation? "Leave him an overly generous parting gift?" (Hell, you gave him your heart and soul, already..and he trashed it!). "Screw your credit irregardless of the consequences? "

Darlin'...I can GUARENTE that he is going to paint you as the "bad guy" if you gave him an ARM AND A LEG TO BOOT! His addled filter will not allow him to see nor appreciate your generosity.

You will get not stars on your crown in heaven for this. You will get stars as a prudent mother by saving your money and preserving your credit to provide security for your children. As a single mother, after divorce. (at one time) I can back up what I am saying to you. I was way to generous...and I could have kicked my self many times over for my being so STUPID. But, I had no one to advise me but my lawyer (he begged me to ask for more!!). Dandylion was stupid because dandylion was under the influence of that ugly cousin.

Like most of us, I suspect that your overly sensitive guilt button is from some unresolved baggage in your formative years.....but, you can sort that out later.
For right now.....take the best care of yourself and your children. You have nurtured him long enough...

Dandylion is now leaving the building........

53500

meggam, don't worry about a "parting gift" to him. I understand the desire on your part. You are rational and compassionate. Your husband is neither, not in his current state.

It's excellent you are reaching out to the lender. Do what you can as long as you also move into the townhouse while you have the chance.

Let me tell you, credit can be repaired. Honestly I feel the same way you do about keeping excellent credit and don't say this lightly. I'm a CPA so I know the intimate financial details of a lot of people. I've seen many go through hard financial times with foreclosures, with personal and business bankruptcies. It is absolutely possible to recover from this. It takes time but it happens.

My bf (who is also a CPA) got divorced over 20 years ago. It was financially devastating. He was close to bankruptcy. He stopped paying his mortgage for a time - and he is the most careful, responsible person on earth when it comes to managing money - but he did it because the lender refused to let him refi at a lower rate and he could not afford the rate he had. His tactic worked but his credit was damaged for a long time.

He recovered and his credit recovered, 100%.

It really is excellent you are being transparent with the lender. Keep on with your smart and responsible methods and you'll get through it and be fine.

meggem

I would tell my daughter she's not giving him one single penny. That is what would tell my daughter. And if she did I guess I would have to bite my tongue in half. I would think she was very foolishly noble.

I'm confused again. All my lawyer is telling me is that she can write up whatever I want her too but it doesn't mean he has to sign it.

biminiblue

If you have considerable equity that's one thing.

If not, you could Quit Claim it to him and walk away. But the mortgage has to be paid by whomever is on the mortgage. You do need to make some financial decision about it before payments are stopped.

Once payments stop, it takes quite some time for foreclosure. I think it would sell first if he would agree to sell.

That's the thing - he has to agree to sell/buy you out/ or accept a Quit Claim to him. The mortgage holder needs to be in the loop no matter what your decision, and you aren't necessarily off the hook for the mortgage. There are no easy answers and it's going to be a lot of arguing regardless what you do.

If it were me, I'd look for the quickest, cheapest out. Talk to the lender!

meggem

Ok I am going to talk to the lender. I spoke with them briefly yesterday and was told there could be a modified payment structure based on income of the person that was going to stay. But they did not offer any "hardship/divorce/loss of job/catastrophic" type of clause- but that the Loan Counseling Department could conduct a 10 minute financial interview that could result in a lower payment. But I was only talking to the guy that I made my July payment too. I guess I will revisit that topic on Monday by talking to the actual loan counseling people and get some hard facts. thanks you guys