Nat1966

Hi,

Let me start by saying I'm not sure if it's ok for me to post here but I need help understanding someone. Thanks in advance for any help

I started getting to know a guy about 5 months ago. He told me he was a recovering alcoholic. What I didn't know is that he really hadn't stopped drinking. He's had relapses in the last 4 yrs. Anyway we talked about it and he's been sober since the third week of May. He's going to multiple meetings a week and stays in touch with his sponsor.

Things have been good between us, although I've noticed he gets overwhelmed more easily. He took his teenage kids away on vacation on Thursday and we were staying in touch like we normally would - we usually touch base every day. Today there was no communication with the exception of kind of "talk to the hand" email. It was brief. I felt blown off.

Is this normal? To pull away emotionally 7 weeks into sobriety? Any insight would be really appreciated. It's clear he doesn't want me to contact him.

Thanks.

Nat

marie1960

Run the opposite direction.

He is not emotionally available to be in any kind of relationship at this time.

not sure why you think things were going "good' between you, he's been lying to you.

dandylion

Nat---someone in early recovery is not relationship material....Heck...they can't deal with themselves---much less cope with the complexities of a relationship. This is precisely why it is suggested that they not undertake any new relationships in early recovery.

From your post--it could be that he has started drinking on this vacation.

You have only known him for 5months.....early dating if for getting to know a person better........and, he is revealing himself to you.....

If you value your future happiness and peace of mind........just fade silently into the night.....

dandylion


If you know this about him and stay...you are no longer a victim---you are a volunteer

Brindie

Nat - of course it's good to post here, anything you need to.

You asked for some help understanding this man. You must have read heaps of stories of others on this forum whose lives have been wrecked by wanting to understand and support an alcoholic. Some of us have stuck at that same task for years! Do you read any success stories on here? As in 'we worked at it and our lives have turned around'? Dandylion and Marie have got this nailed - you haven't known him long, his behaviour is deceitful and unreliable ..... RUN!

honeypig

Hi, Nat. Of course it's OK that you're here. Glad you found us, as SR is a deep well of experience and wisdom.

It's usually advised that a newly sober A not make any big changes in their relationship status for the first year of recovery. That first year is generally very rough, as all the emotions and "stuff" that has been buried under the alcohol for who knows how long are going to have to be dealt with. The A has no tools for doing this, and he has to learn how to live, basically--how to deal with everyday frustrations and situations that normal folks handle w/o a second thought. This takes a huge amount of energy and dedication, as you can imagine, and the A isn't really available much for anyone but himself. And really, since sobriety/recovery is life and death for them, that's the way it has to be.

Even if your friend is on the up-and-up and is staying sober, there is simply no way he could be viewed as relationship material now. And as others have said, his track record is not great, so there's a fair chance that he's relapsing again, and that is, or certainly should be, a deal-breaker.

If you truly feel there's something special there, give it a year. Stand back and watch. See what he shows the world. If he truly seems to be in recovery, you can revisit things then, altho there are never any guarantees w/an A. Just be careful.

53500

Nat, if it's clear he does not want you to contact him - DON'T contact him! I agree with the others. He is a poor choice for a relationship.

That is a huge red flag. Run, until he is sober for a year at the very least.