DragonInTheSky

I have been an alcoholic since my early 20's. Drinking has messed up my life in the past big time, yet I don't want to stop. It is such a huge crutch for me that I just can't imagine my life without it.

I'm a musician and performer and use it as a way to feel more comfortable in front of an audience and for general social anxiety, as I have always been a shy person. The problem is I have no shut off switch. I start, and I just can't stop. I don't drink every day, and have never suffered from the shakes or any serious withdrawal symptoms. The thing is, I just can't imagine my life without it. It's like this love hate relationship that I just cannot let go of. It has hurt my marriage and my family. It has cost me my freedom in the past (two DUI's) and it has stripped me of my soul - yet I keep going back.

I have also been off and on addicted to opiates. I was in two very bad car accidents in a matter of two years (neither were alcohol related), which caused me severe back problems. Of course I became addicted through receiving prescriptions from my doctor. This was from 2005-2007. Then my insurance ran out and I had to get off of the crap. I did, but only because I had to. After that I qualified for state health insurance and was prescribed Tramadol by another doctor, which I became addicted to as well. I wound up going through extreme withdrawals from that and ended up in the psych ward at the hospital for a week. After that experience I was scared $hitless and began attending NA meetings. I did well for a while and even found a sponsor. However, I was unable to maintain my sobriety for more than thirty days.

One night I got incredibly drunk and walked home. On my walk home I tripped and ended up breaking my foot. I went to the hospital and was prescribed narcotics for the pain. I just happened to mention that I had run out of the drugs to my closest friend in NA, and he told me he could hook me up with strong narcotics he was prescribed for his back issues. It ended up that he was a serious dealer. Long story short, I became addicted to extremely strong pain meds and spent almost $2000 dollars of money I'd received as a wedding gift from my parents on drugs. Last May my friend from NA died from a drug overdose. I went through two weeks of terrible withdrawals, but nonetheless got off of the drugs because I no longer had excess to them.

Honestly, I don't know why I am writing all of this. I'm just scared and confused as to what I want to do with my life, or what I want to do period. I have chronic and debilitating back pain from the car accidents I was in, and a lot of the time I drink to escape the pain I am always in, even though I know it only makes it worse in the end. I guess I'm reaching out because I feel so lost. Once again, I don't drink everyday and have never suffered from the shakes or any other sort of withdrawal from alcohol. I know that doesn't change the fact that I'm an alcoholic. I have also never used any hard drugs (like cocaine, crack, meth, heroine etc..) because I made a deal with myself when I was young that I would stay away from all of that because I knew it would lead to my demise.

I know alcohol is destroying my life, but it's tough because the only kind of treatment available to me is NA/AA, as I cannot afford rehab...(believe me I've checked), and sometimes I really despise meetings. I feel like I just do not relate to the methodology and philosophy of it all. I'm just at a loss here. I don't know what in the hell I want for myself anymore. What I do know is that I feel like my wheels are spinning and yet I am going absolutely nowhere in my life. I don't want to wake up one day only to look in the mirror and realize I have made nothing of myself or my life because alcohol and drugs have taken precedent. I feel hollow and lonely inside, and I don't know how to fix it. I cannot seem to make anything happen in my life. I'm lost. I know that I'm a talented and creative person...I have so much to offer the world, but I just don't know how to anymore.

There is so much more to my story, but I will stop for now. Thank you for taking the time to read this....I am open to anything anyone has to say.

Dee74

Hi DITS

I'm a musician and performer too (or at least I was ). I know how alcohol can be part and parcel of that lifestyle. I also know how your drinking can come to define you.

The trouble is when you drink like I did, you damage your reputation.
Band members, promoters and agents are not particularly tolerant of drunken performances...neither are audiences.

I lost my career. I resorted to drinking all day every day. I had no idea who I was outside of this shambling mess of a man.

Then I nearly died.

I figured I had no choice but to find out.

It starts with a day one - for everyone. See your Dr if you feel you need to, or you think withdrawal maybe a problem.
When you build up a few days then you can start looking at your lifestyle and thinking about the things you can changes to support your recovery.

You can think about support too - some find support here, others find counsellors, or outpatient rehab.

There are a lot of recovery groups around too - not all of them are 12 step based.
Here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

I know it's tough to think about changing your life DITS - but the more you're prepared the change the greater your chance of success I think

Give it some thought

D

DragonInTheSky

Thank you D74. Like I said before, withdrawal isn't an issue. I actually haven't had a drink going on two (almost three) days now. It's the cravings when they come that I can't seem to get past. I would go to inpatient rehab, but I don't have the money. Outpatient rehab is also very expensive.

I am looking for advice about how to maintain sobriety when the cravings become seemingly intolerable. Besides going to meetings, what are things that others do to make it through them?

Dee74

There are some good cravings tips here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

I also really recommend joining a monthly group thread here, or otherwise starting a thread for yourself if you feel vulnerable.

I cannot over emphasise the importance of support

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2014-a-20.html

Heartfan82

Hi there, Dragon... welcome to the SR website!

I'm reading a book called "Rational Recovery" by Jack Trimpey, and it's an alternative to AA and such if that's not your style. It exposes the nature of the "beast" that is our "addictive voice", and ways to identify it and deal with it. It's actually a freeing idea that separates our true self from the addiction. You can look into buying that book online, or possibly from a bookstore near you....

I was like you, in that I never got the shakes, and could go days without drinking if I had to. No one ever complained about my drinking -- well, some joked about it, and that was embarrassing, and my sons would say, "do you remember such and such? Last night when you were drinking?" So I did have a memory problem, due to how much and how long I drank.

It got to a point where it just wasn't working anymore. It wasn't fun, I had to drink a lot to try to get the always elusive "buzz" I was craving. It was gaining too much control over me, and I didn't like that. Relationships kind of fizzled out, because I just wasn't present enough to mange them, AND I didn't care about that either. I began a relationship with booze, and made darn sure I always had enough, and was always planning the next time I could drink to my heart's content. The hangovers were getting pretty brutal, too....

I decided to see what life could be like without the booze having control. It has not been all easy, the cravings were enormous the first few months. I've gone through hell with some personal family issues, but feel stronger for going through them without alcohol to fall back on.

This SR site has been a lifeline to my sobriety, such a wealth of info and encouragement, and real talk from real people going through the same things we are! I've gone almost 16 months sober now, and honestly it does get easier.....I hope you will stick around and read a lot of these threads, and post about your sober journey, it can change your life!

Peace and best wishes,
~Heartfan

Sasha4

Hi You

I think sometimes we end up behaving like the stereotype of a person that does our career/job/interest because we believe that makes us a good fit for that role.

You never seem to get long haired rockers chatting about herbal tea's or discussing the best way to cover Celine Dion's music.

Top chef's in world famous restaurants never seem to ease the pressure of a busy night with a slice of cake and a cup of tea. Its always a few bottles of beer.

Rich bankers never seem to be passionate about cars that are best for the environment!

But its a shame that to be seen as good at your job, you have to act out the stereotype.

I think it must be hard for musicians to be surrounded by drinkers and addicts and want to maintain sobriety but it might get to the point where your life depends on it.

I'm glad you wrote all you did, even though you say you don't know why you did it. To me it sounds like you wanted to get some things that have bothered you for a long time off your chest.

Do you see addiction as a disease?
And that the things you did in the past, the wedding gift money going on drugs, the family hurt, the DUI's as consequences of that illness, that disease? Does that make it any easier to live with?

I can only speak for me, but the first few months were hard.
I had got into the habit of plonking myself on the sofa at 7.30pm, favourite wine glass in hand, TV on, baby in bed. bottle of win and more booze.

That probably sounds miles away from your world!!

But breaking that habit was hard.

I had to do what I could to stop myself being on that sofa at 7.30pm and not buying wine on the way home etc etc.
I came here and read a lot. I went to AA meetings. Sometimes I met with friends in places that did not sell booze just for a chat. Sometimes I went for a drive with loud music.

I'm not a regular at AA but it helped me at the start. I can honestly say the AA people I met where some of the coolest, most switched on people I had ever met and I will be always be grateful to them because they wanted to save me from the rock bottoms they went through.

Here I am 2 years later, drink free.
Now it comes naturally.
It would seem strange to sit all evening drinking. Drinking during the day on a weekend would not seem right either. I never thought 5 or 6 years ago I would ever get to that point. I thought I was doomed.

Will you stick around here for a bit and read and post?
If you truly want it you can do it.

I wish you the best xx

HeadLump

Brilliant post, Sasha!

jdooner

Dragon (sounds much better than DITS) - I believe you are writing this because deep down there is a kid inside of you that is scared an wants help. That is how it was with me too. Sometimes we suffocate that voice with the drugs and alcohol and let the disease run the show vs our true personalities.

I used to say I was an alcoholic and it made it easy for introducing myself at AA meetings. However, it took nine plus months of serious recovery and sobriety during this time to actually mean and understand what it means to be alcoholic. Mainly that I cannot ever drink again if I want the life I have now created.

I have chronicled my journey here and the neat thing about SR is you can go back and read your journey anytime you want. I love the concept of a sponsor it saved my ass big time in the early days. But AA is tough for those that still feel like they have control or said differently have a relatively high bottom. That said, it is working for me but I needed to exhaust other alternatives to get to where I am at now. There are many alternatives and if they work, I think that is great. None of my experiences have diminished any part of my journey. Some may have seemed like detours but in hindsight they were all needed to get me where I am at today.

Dragon, you are going to fit in well. Congrats on day 3. None of this is possible if you are still active though. So the first step is making the conscious choice not to drink and use. Then the work can begin.

IOAA2

Hi.

“I have been an alcoholic since my early 20's. Drinking has messed up my life in the past big time, yet I don't want to stop. It is such a huge crutch for me that I just can't imagine my life without it.”

“I know alcohol is destroying my life, but it's tough because the only kind of treatment available to me is NA/AA.”

Over the years it’s a recognized fact that the only person that can get us sober is our self. I didn’t want to die and the pain I felt was like I was dying so with AA peoples help sobriety took ahold.
Reading the posts on this and other forums gives a good honest look at what this disease is about even if we deny it and unfortunately too many do and end up in not appreciated places in a short period of time.

KEEP COMING AND BE WELL

Boudicca

Very touched to read your post, Dragon. Don't have much to add to the good advice here, but a strong support system or plan IRL may be crucial to your success. SR is a wonderful resource but given the added complication of your chronic pain you may need additional treatment.
I know there are treatment facilities that specialize in the treatment of patients with chronic pain issues.

Perhaps other forum members who also suffer from chronic debilitating pain will offer more concrete suggestions. For now, you are not alone!!
Keep coming back here and please let us know how you are doing.

Best Wishes

trachemys

Hi Dragon.

Start with your medical doctor. Be totally honest with them about your chronic pain and your self-medication. You sound like you have the will to go sober. If your back pain is a trigger to drink and drug, ask about non-pharma ways to ease that. My mother has chronic back pain and has gone through acupuncture, acupressure, physical therapy, massage, TENS units. All bring some relief and she rotates through them. Good luck to you.

biminiblue

Hi, Dragon! Welcome to the site.

Dee was the best one to catch that first reply, as he's been there with the musical career, and he's definitely been through the hard drinking days and has now successfully recovered.

We are very happy you are here. It can be done. I had to take the early days one day at a time. I put a little red heart on my calendar every day that I didn't drink for the first 120 days. When I would get an overwhelming urge, I would check to make sure I wasn't Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired (HALT) and if I was, I would address that. Those four things are commonly what push us over the edge. I was usually hungry or tired. Ice cream, cookies, peanut butter sandwiches and naps became my daily friends. I watched a lot of movies. I would take a walk if I was angry and I would call someone if I was lonely.

I had a rough first week, but it keeps getting easier. You can do this too.

DragonInTheSky

First of all, I want to say thank you all so much for your replies and your support, I truly appreciate it very much.

As I was reading these posts, I thought about something else. It's something that I never like to think about because it's so painful. The fact is, that my creativity has suffered a lot over the years and I can pretty clearly pin point that back to my addictions. Alcohol has been the most important thing to me above everything else. Above my creativity, above my family, above my husband, above myself. I used to be a songwriter. I would write songs on piano and guitar...they used to just poor out of me like the wind....not anymore. I haven't written a song on my own in years. I used to blame it on the fact that my guitar got stolen, or that I was depressed, or whatever...but that's not true - it's because of alcohol. Drinking to me is so important above everything else that I have been willing to step all over my life's passion in order to get drunk. This honestly makes me sick to my stomach to think about. On top of that, what frustrates me to no end is the fact that I have known this deep down all along, but never wanted to face it. I even recorded a full length CD of all original music that I finished but never released, because I have such a huge problem with following through in my life. I start, but never finish. I cannot stand this about myself!

When I got out of the hospital after going through withdrawal from Tramadol, I had this creative energy running through my veins. I felt so passionate and free. I started going to meetings and was ready for recovery. Of course over time that passion started to wobble and shift until if toppled over like a dead tree. One of the most difficult things for me about not drinking was having to avoid certain places that I used to go. I play a lot of open stages and blues jams which of course are all in bars. Avoiding these places was difficult, and I started to feel like I was missing out. I also had to stop going to gatherings at my sister-in-law's and other friend's houses because I knew there would be alcohol. But the worst thing was how people responded around me about it. Asking questions like, "Is it okay if I have a glass of wine around you?" I absolutely hated the way that kind of thing made me feel! I understood that people were just trying to be considerate, but seriously when $hit like that happened it made me want to say *** it all and chug a bottle of wine right there. It was things like that along with me telling myself I didn't have a serious problem, that led me down the path of drinking an occasional glass of wine, or having a beer now and then. Of course we all know that didn't last, and soon enough I became a full blown drinker once again.

I know what I need to do here, but I am such a hedonist for those first moments of catching a buzz, that it gets me every time. I love feeling anything but sober. Once again, I know in my heart and soul what I need to do, but I just have to want it enough - I have to start realizing that I deserve sobriety, that I deserve a better life, and that alcohol does not contribute to a path of happiness and fulfillment.

Once again, deep down I believe I am someone that needs rehab, but I simply cannot afford it. I also think about going back to NA (I prefer NA over AA), but I do have some trust issues there because my dealer was a friend I met in NA.

As for my chronic pain, that is a whole other issue. Financially I just do not have the resources to get physical therapy, acupuncture, or anything like that. I once again need to get back into things I know help that don't cost a lot of money. Like yoga, and just regular old exercise. I actually found this forum from searching online about weight loss from quitting drinking...(now that is a serious motivator! lol). I believe I would be much more inclined to care for my body and everything else in my life, if alcohol didn't come first; I just need to find the strength within myself to do it, and keep doing it.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Dragon!!

Alcohol became my sole purpose in life too at the expense of everything else, it really can be a very consuming thing.

For me I had to really dig deep and find a way through, I got to the point I had nothing to loose by trying something new out, that strength I believe is inside all of us, it has to be or I wouldn't have been able to get Sober.

You can do this, great to have you onboard!!

FeenixxRising

I was like you Dragon, I didn't drink everyday, but when I did, it was on. I also had urges every 7 to 10 days that would seem almost overwhelming. The thinking skill known as AVRT helped me to overcome those urges.

You can google Rational Recovery to learn more about it. There is also a thread here on SR http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html that discuses the method. However, I recommend reading through the AVRT crash course on the Rational Recover site before reading through the thread, as you may find the discussion a little confusing without a primer on the technique.

I like AVRT because it's secular, there are no meetings, no Steps and it's free (and IMO very effective if used correctly)

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, and feel free to post questions regarding AVRT on the "Secular Connections" Sub-Forum.

DragonInTheSky

Thank you Feenixx. I have never heard of AVRT. I am checking it out now. Did you use this method?

least

Welcome to the family. I hope the awesome support here can help you get clean and sober for good.

FeenixxRising

Yes, by using it I finally stopped relapsing.

But it's not a recovery method per se, rather it's a thinking technique I used along with the decision to never drink again and to never change my mind, no ifs, ands or buts. Any thought or emotions that suggest I should go back on my decision to never drink again is my addictive voice (AV). I've found that once the AV is recognized, it dissipates within a short amount of time and the urges go away.

There is a little bit more to it than what I've described, but I found that once I learned and used this skill, it was very effective.

DragonInTheSky

I just don't feel like I can stop this cycle. How in the bloody hell do I stop it???!!! I want someone else to solve this problem, when I know I am the only one that can. Dammit, this is so hard. What do I fill myself with if I don't have alcohol anymore? I feel so empty without it...
Craving..craving...craving.......

Dee74

I think most of us had to deal with The Void.

Once I stopped trying to fill the void and started to work on healing it, things got a lot better.

for me healing that void involved me finding meaning & purpose in my life, outside of drinking or getting high.

But that takes time, and it takes a little faith that all the discomfort pain and fear of early recovery is worth it.

I look at my life now, and compare it to my life then...I believe it absolutely is worth it

D